how to ask someone out

[DArwin]

Hello
I was wondering how you ask someone out because I think I have been doing it wrong. I have just been direct and said I was interested in and would think it would be fun to go on a date, but I think this wrong because it seems like people get uncomfortable when I ask. I was also told by my ex-girlfriend that she got complaints that I have been hitting on people so I really don't know what I'm doing wrong anymore. I have barely talked to people or ask people out

[Mo]

I do think that being direct when asking someone out is great; that way they know specifically what you're asking and don't have to guess what you mean. I know that even a question like "would you like to get coffee sometime?" which is a common way of asking someone on a date can be confusing; I've known people who've shown up expecting to get coffee with a friend but realized that the other person had wanted it to be a date, and that can be awkward for everyone.
So, I would recommend being straightforward. Saying something like "I've really enjoyed talking with you, would you like to go on a date sometime?" or "Would you like to be my date to [a specific event] this week?" is a good way to ask someone.

Even though I think a direct question is the best way to ask someone out, it is important to think about other factors too. How much of a rapport are you building with people before you ask them on dates? Also, what sort of situations are you approaching people in? Have you gotten any specific complaints about what's made people uncomfortable when you've asked them on dates?

[DArwin]

I haven't built rapport with most people I have asked out and don't really know how to do(except one, one person I talk with her and work with her for a few weeks before I asked. I had another person who was has been my friend for about 4 years that I asked out but I don't think I did anything wrong and trusted her responses ). I approach people after class in a public area. I haven't gotten any specific complaints my ex was the one to tell me there were complaints

[Mo]

It sounds like maybe taking some time to have a couple conversations where you get to know each other a bit better would be a helpful first step. Some of this is because it's easier to know if you want to date someone if you know them at least a little bit, but also it might feel odd to some people to be asked out when they know you don't know them very well.

[DArwin]

Yes but I really don't know how to talk to people as im, not an outgoing person and mostly just keep to myself. Cant, you use a date as chance to get to know someone?

[DArwin]

Most people I have asked out I have known them for more than a year( at least the people I asked dso far. haven't been that close to them probably don't consider them as friends ) and we talked at some point for a bit

[Sam W]

Hi DArwin,

You're right that a date is a chance to get to know someone better, but most people are going to feel a little less awkward being approached for a date by someone they already know.

It sounds like some of this may be tied to feeling like you don't really know how to talk to people in general. Can you give me a sense of if there are things you've tried in order to find a way of socializing that feels comfortable for you?

[DArwin]

Can you explain your question a bit more I don't really understand it, can I have some examples?

[Mo]

I think what Sam's asking is how comfortable you feel socializing in general, and if there are particular social spaces you've felt more comfortable in when it comes to talking with other people.

When you mentioned not knowing what to say to someone, I think asking someone a question about themselves (particularly something like an interest or skill they have), or asking them to recommend or talk about a favorite book, movie, band, etc. is a good way to start a conversation. A lot of people are happy to talk about things that make them excited, and that can be an easier way to get into the rhythm of a conversation than asking how someone's doing or what they did that weekend. If you know you have an interest in common, that's also a good place to start.

[DArwin]

I don't feel comfortable socializing at all. I don't really feel most comfortable anywhere. I really am only comfortable socializing with the friends I already have and with my friends' friends

[Heather]

Hey there, Darwin. I've got a couple thoughts and questions:

1) Can I check in with you about if anyone who is NOT your ex has expressed feeling uncomfortable? Do you and your ex have a good relationship? I'm just wondering if the source of this information is actually reliable, you know?

2) If it is, and people are complaining you're "hitting on them," can you tell me a little about how you're asking them out? I agree, a date is exactly supposed to be to get to know someone better. Are you asking like that? Like, "Hey, I'd really like to get to know you a little better. Do you want to hang out sometime?" Or are you doing this a different way? I ask for a few reasons, one of which is to figure out if what you're doing could even be taken as getting hit on. I certainly wouldn't call it that if that's how someone was asking me.

[DArwin]

I and my ex are kinds of friends but I don't really enjoy being around her and it just makes me anxious( I think we have an unhealthy friendship but thats a different issue). I think that she was honest. I dont know why she would lie. I don't really have a script for asking someone out but I can say speficlly what I said for some of the cases. For this girl I knew and talk to her very little I said approached her after class outside with some people around and said " Hey (persons name), I was wondering if you like to go on a date with me because you seem like a very interesting person and I would like to get to know you a bit better" she said no and that she works too much right now to have a relationship and didn't want to hurt my feeling. Another person I ask I had known an acquaintance for years and had her in one on my classes, we work together a lot and I really like talking about science and math with her so one day after class I asked "He (person name, I really enjoy talking to you about science and stuff like that so I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with me?" she said that she had a relationship already. The people I ask didn't seem to be uncomfortable when I asked or around me now. Im really bad at reading all social signs so I might be missing a sign

[DArwin]

I asked my friend ive known for 4 years I texted and asked if I could ask her a question and she said yes then I asked "would you like to go on a date with me?". I feel like thats a little cocky at least the way I worded it but I have known for a long time and we are good friends so I feel like I already know her pretty well

[DArwin]

But I think she was comfortable with me asking because she said a lot of interesting things

[DArwin]

But I think she was comfortable with me asking because she said a lot of interesting things

[Heather]

I'm having a very hard time seeing how what you said and the way that you said it would make anyone uncomfortable. Truly, the way you're asking is very mellow and totally fine.

Since you also haven't had anyone seem uncomfortable or tell you they are, *and* you say you don't feel like the relationship with your ex is friendly, I'm afraid I just can't help but think that your ex isn't being honest and is telling you this to undermine you or otherwise... well, be crummy to you. Honestly, even if these people did say something to her -- which really seems unlikely given how unoffensive what you asked and how you asked it was -- I can't think of why she would come and say something to you.

I think that it may be that instead of the conversation we're having about how to ask people out, which it seems like you might not actually need since nothing is the matter with how you're asking, we might want to talk about the dynamic with your ex. You say you don't even feel good around her, so if you're up to it, want to talk about why you're still hanging out with her? Or about how to set boundaries with her when it comes to the kinds of things she's been telling you?

[DArwin]

I just am not a charming guy and most people don't like me romantically at least. I mean I was nervous when I was asking them out. Sure we can talk about my ex. I just feel really nervous around her and she does things I feel are weird when we hug sometimes she seems really sad and feels my back, I still get erections around her so a couple of days ago she looked at it and made a commit and laughed a little, I really wouldn't mind her looking if she like wanted it or was attracted to me sexually but I asked her why she look at it and she said it was just to make me awkward so I ask her not to do that. When she told me those things about when the girls said they were uncomfortable she said don't worry I'm not jealous, she seemed disappointed because I told her I asked out 4 people since she broke up with me and its hasn't even been 3 months yet. I also feel horrible about how I treated her in our relationship because she said it was emotionally abusive and I know I was, she also mention a lot stuff I did that are just normal aspect of my personality that weren't good, like how when I talked about science it made her feel stupid, that she never told me bothered her. There was just a lot of unhealthy things in about ou past relationship that I wish I notice or she talked with me about. Im not even sure im over her, but when I asked those people out i felt like I was and could give them a fair chance or at least a good date .

[Heather]

Darwin, I just wanted to let you know that I've seen this, but I have to head out for the day. Unless someone gets to this before me, I'll pick it up in the morning. Sorry to leave you hanging tonight.

[DArwin]

its ok don't sweat it, I appreciate your help and everyone else help as well

[Sam W]

Hi DArwin,

I wanted to address a few things from your last post (Heather may have other thoughts as well). You mention your ex (and maybe yourself) thought you were emotionally abusive when you were together. Do you have a sense of what behaviors, specifically, were a part of that?

It does sound like this friendship may not be that great for either of you, and I can see why being around her is making you feel uncomfortable. What if you ended the friendship, at least for the time being? Does that feel like something you can do?

[DArwin]

I was very possessive and got jealously and threatened to break up with her a lot. I was a horrible boyfriend, I think I just put her down a lot. She did say our relationship was overall good. I don't really know how to end the friendship and I don't really want to. she is really the only friend I have at my school and work. I actually asked one of the people I asked out today if when I asked her ou if I did anything that made her uncomfortable and she said no, so I'm happy about that.

[phantomdog]

hi,

it's a great step forward to be able to own up to and confess ways in which you may have hurt someone, especially a significant other. i think a good way to keep on this right track is to identify and confront what the source of these harmful behaviors may be before you get into your next relationship / romantic venture. what do you think

[DArwin]

I have been trying in therapy and I think it's going well. I also think the last couple of months of my last relationship this started to be less of a problem. I don't know why I treated her like that, I felt like I was gonna lose her if she talks to any other boys and if we didn't spend enough time together

[al]

Hey DArwin,

Just wanted to jump in here real quick and ask - have you browsed through our articles that we have about healthy relationships? I was thinking that you might find a few of them helpful, especially Jealousy: Making Friends With The Green-Eyed Monster and Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board, and Navigate A Healthy Relationship.
Also, I'm really glad to hear that you're in therapy! What types of things do you talk about, and do you find it helpful?

[DArwin]

I have read those articles and I think I'm ok with that kind of stuff now but I don't know how to really check, Thank you for them though . We usually talk about what stresses me out and makes me anxious and how to cope. When I was having all these relationship problems I talked about them, I do find it helpfully but I'm so anxious and stressed to the point where I feel like I'm gonna pass out all day and its hard to relax enough to go to the bathroom( I talk to a doctor about the passing out thing last week and she said it was probbly because I was so anxious all the time). I feel like I would be doing a lot worse without therapy.