hypersexual and obsessed with explicit content of a family friendly game whose developer legally prohibits it

[hypersuicidal]

i've copied and pasted this to several places only to have it either taken down or ignored. i know i'm a lost cause, but please, i need someone to listen.

for context, i was diagnosed with autism and adhd in 2004. i'm high functioning to where i was barely kept out of special education, but not much more than that. i struggled severely throughout public school, panicked and backed out of learning to drive, dropped out of university and went home to my parents after only a few months, and if i were to continue living, would probably never be independent.

i have never had any real world interests. for me, everything real is a chore i need to get out of the way. instead, for as long as i can remember, i have developed intense obsessions with fictional worlds and characters, the vast majority of them being from family friendly media. my only true interests, the only things i have ever truly wanted, were fictional. this would be enough of a reason to end my life as it is, but as soon as i entered puberty, extremely early at that, my obsessions got intensely sexual. for over a decade now, the only thing that even comes close to satisfying me has been explicit sexual content of whichever characters i'm fixated on at the moment. male, female, genderless, human, monster, alien, by now i've lusted after every sort of animated character. thankfully they have all been sentient adults, but it's a small comfort and not nearly enough. my hypersexuality has been a detriment since the beginning, but i always elected not to pursue treatment, or even mention it to anyone in real life, because i wasn't doing anything illegal. i only discussed sexual content online after i turned 18, and i took care to keep it all between consenting adults in adult only spaces.

that all changed around july of 2019. i fell deep into a new obsession, this time with a family friendly mobile game, and of course, i immediately became sexually infatuated with several of the characters. the problem is, the game's developer has an extensive terms of use policy, and any sexual fan content of this game is strictly prohibited. looking into the situation, i found that the company will not hesitate to take legal action against content creators, and has already done so in the past. i'm not usually a content creator myself, so i figured the company would never know if i sought out and consumed what adult content of their game they evidently hadn't been made aware of.

last week, though, the game introduced a new character. i am more attracted to him than i have been to any character in quite a while. in the heat of the moment yesterday, i made an explicit edit of his stock art and posted it on a R34 site. the game has about 300 images there and i don't know if the company is aware of it. i also shared it on a discord server i had made for fans of the game, in a new NSFW channel only adults could access. by this morning, i had been kicked out of other servers for the game, and my server had been removed from a list of servers for that game because of policy violations. i have no doubt that i am being reported to the company and that legal action will be taken against me. i regret my actions immensely. my fictional obsessions come one at a time and they are always all i have. i know my real life is a dead end, and i won't be able to bear losing access to my current obsession like this.

i have considered looking into treatment for my hypersexuality but i know nothing can be done. i could never bring up any of this to my parents, and i don't have anyone else in real life i can trust. over the years i have tried therapy for depression time and time again, only to find every time that it does absolutely nothing for me. even if i could eliminate it, what next? i would still be a very noticeably mentally disabled person who lives entirely in fantasy. i would still have nothing in the real world, nothing from which to build a functional human life. i can't take it anymore. i feel like nothing but a sick freak the world would be better off without.

[Sam W]

Hi Hypersuicidal,

This all sounds like it's causing you a lot of guilt and shame, and I'm so sorry that you're feeling as though your supports around this are limited. We can talk about some of the other issues you've mentioned here, but if you are actively thinking about hurting yourself, your next step needs to be crisis care of some kind, including checking into an emergency room if you feel you might be unable to avoid harming yourself. Do you know how to access those kind of crisis resources? If not, we can refer you to some so you can get the care you need.

[Heather]

I think it's important that the focus Sam put on just getting you through what sound like suicidal feelings -- something I'm afraid we just don't have the resources/setup to help with -- get the most focus right now. You obviously need to get through this moment before you can look into much else.

But I do also want to add that the idea that nothing can be done about any of this isn't accurate. That's just not true, just like the idea you're hopeless isn't true.

I'm not sure about your hypersexuality diagnosis and the story with that (that's not a term everyone uses the same way, including clinically, if at all), but the behavior I'm seeing that seems to be what's getting you in the most hot water and causing you some of the most suffering looks like compulsive behavior to me, for which there are numerous approaches that have been found effective for many people. Seeking out treatment/help for compulsivity might also be something you feel more able to ask your parents for help with if you need help to get that kind of healthcare. <3