social anxiety + sex

[imbabey]

hey, you can call me C! im kinda new here and posting because i need advice haha.
for backstory, im a freshman in college, and i have pretty severe social anxiety. even if something is completely normal and average, i get totally freaked out and feel like im a loner, im weird, etc and will have breakdowns/panic attacks usually at least once every other week or so. reasoning with myself doesn’t work; i 100% know that most of the feelings of anxiety i experience are unreasonable. i am also a virgin.
about a three days ago i got into a relationship with a really sweet guy that ive been friends with for about 2 months. he understands my anxiety, though i havent quite shown him all of it yet (i dont wanna freak him out haha). i already had my first kiss with him, and it was great! but now i know the next step is making out, then sex. im super nervous for this, which i know is normal, but i feel like my anxiety elevates it to an unreasonable level. i know i dont have to rush into it, and i fully plan to wait, but the thing is i want to have sex? not right now, but in a few months i can definitely see myself wanting to have sex with him. but every time i actually think about having sex, it makes me nervous to the point of tears!! does anyone have experience with a similar issue or advice for things i can do to make it not seem so scary?

[Heather]

Welcome, C!

One thing that jumped out at me in this post was when you said this:

i already had my first kiss with him, and it was great! but now i know the next step is making out, then sex.

The thing is, there is no pre-written script or order to how -- or if! -- we become sexual with someone. Not based on what we have already done, like kissing, not based on our sexual identity, not based on what kind of relationship we're in or how long we have been in it. It's certainly understandable for *anyone* to feel anxious in the face of that kind of idea, let alone someone dealing with social anxiety!

There doesn't have to be any "next step" after kissing if you don't want, and what -- if anything -- you want to do sexually with this person or any other is up to you, and also gets to be only on a timetable that works for you. It's also understandable to be freaking out at the prospect of having sex with someone you only got involved with three days ago: that'd be very soon to go there for a lot of people, and super-soon for anyone who hasn't had sexual relationships or interactions with other people before.

So, I think one thing you can do for yourself is take all of that in, then take a deep breath and let out any feelings you might have to move faster than you want to or feel ready for: you don't and won't. You also won't have to do anything you don't want to and don't feel ready for. In the event anyone you were with wouldn't accept that, and pushed you to do anything you didn't want at any time, that'd be a big red flag that person isn't a good person to be dating (for anyone, not just you). Hopefully that will help calm you down some.

There's no getting someone ready before they're ready, so I think the best thing to do with how scary it feels for you right now is to not even go there. You don't want it right now and it scares you, so why not wait to start thinking about it only when and if you ARE feeling like it might be something you want and feel more ready for?