I need to get rid of my interest in something that turns me on

[AnotherRat]

Yeah no im real sickened by this, I hate the way my body reacts to it with a passion and i want to get RID OF IT

I dont know that its safe to say what it is, so I'll refrain from explicitly naming what it is Im 'interested' in, but I will mention its illegal to act upon but not illegal to view-- I would never dream of acting upon it, but I still despise that my body reacts the way it does to it. I can imagine where it stems from, because I remember that I found out about masturbation really early on in life and the first content I came across was this, and now its seeping into my mind and I hate it so much. Sometimes normal pornography doesn't do anything for me so i turn to this content, and some people post some wicked shit too, and that's now engrained in my mind. Im just so disgusted by it. I dont think I would ever tell anybody irl about it, but I need anonymous advice because its just not right.

I dont think it would affect my sex life if i didnt get rid of it, thats not my concern, but I dont want to be interested in this thing at all, end of story. if anyone has advice I would greatly appreciate it...

[Mo]

Hi AnotherRat, and welcome to Scarleteen.

I'm sorry this particular sexual interest is causing you a lot of distress. If it's any help to know this, it's not unusual for people to have things they like to sexually fantasize about but wouldn't want to act on in person, or for people to be aroused by things that feel distressing or uncomfortable, and that they'd rather not feel aroused by. You certainly aren't alone in feeling like this.

The tricky part is that while sexual behaviors are something you can have control over, sexual feelings or fantasies are much harder to change or get rid of. You may have luck doing things like deciding that certain sexual media related to this interest are acceptable but others aren't, and making an agreement with yourself not to access the ones you really don't feel good about looking at, and trying to redirect your sexual thoughts to something else when you're masturbating or seeing if there's a related but less uncomfortable-feeling interest you can channel your thoughts into. I honestly don't know a way to entirely "turn off" a sexual interest, though, and trying really hard to squash those thoughts out of your mind might mean you wind up fixating in them even more.

I don't believe that enjoying sexual fantasies about something you'd find upsetting to do in reality means there's necessarily anything wrong with you or with those thoughts. It sounds like you're pretty unhappy having them, though; I wonder if talking to a therapist or counselor who is well-versed in sexual issues would be helpful, to get some outside perspective on your situation and maybe some strategies of ways to manage the discomfort you're having around it or ways to refocus on other sexual topics you're more comfortable with.

[AnotherRat]

The thing is, none of this media is acceptable, ethically, morally, legally. It's not that I want it to be okay, either.. its kind of hard to explain without outright saying it, somehow I feel that saying it will come back and bite me in the ass even though this is a totally anon account. Getting a shrink is an expense I cant afford right now either, which is why I turned to online forums hoping to find people who may have experiences like this or who might have some advice.

I do appreciate your input, I really do-- I just dont know how I can redirect it in a healthy way. It isnt a fine line to bridge, not something you could (or should) roleplay either. I'll probably be avoiding the interest altogether, but.. ionno, like you said, its not so easy to squash out the thoughts. I fear someone somehow finds out, too, because this would make me a social outcast for good (and for good reason).

[Sam W]

Hi AnotherRat,

One possible way to redirect this interest into something that you do feel comfortable with is to think about what elements of the scenario appeal to you. To give you an example of what I'm talking about, if someone is into spanking during sex, the reasons for that can vary: maybe they like the particular power dynamic that creates, maybe the pain element is important, maybe they like the way their partner talks to them during it, and so on. In your case, it may be there are elements that are drawing you to those scenarios that you can pluck out and look for in other sexual media or explore it in your own fantasies. Does that make sense?

I will say that if it's causing you shame or disgust to engage with this content/scenario, then steering clear of that content altogether is likely a good call. Does that feel doable to you?

So you know, if counseling is something that feels out of reach but that you are actually interested in pursuing, we can help you look for mental health services that would be affordable.