When love doesn't happen in a straight line

[Heather]

Have you noticed that so often -- in life, in movies or TV, in mainstream media love advice -- romantic relationships are represented as always happening in a very similar and linear progression?

Something like this: boy meets girl (because heterocentrism also always looms large). Boy asks girl out or otherwise gets to know girl in a way he is the main initiator. Boy and girl immediately start dating or otherwise stay involved regularly with each other right away. If sex is part of the picture, it's the usual kissing-groping-nakedness-intercourse line. If commitment is part of the picture, it's often insta-monogamy, then engagement, then marriage then kids, et cetera.

There is sometimes some variation in that, and for sure, sometimes that is how people's romantic relationships go. But just as often, if not more often, things aren't such a linear progression. People may connect in some way then not see each other for days, weeks, months or even years. People may have sex and not get into a romance, but a friendship, and then months or years later go back to sex and then start something romantic (or not). People may never get engaged, married or be monogamous, or people may do one or more of those things but at some point, pull back from those things, and sometimes splitting up entirely, but other times not, and instead just going about the relationship differently. Some part of life may massively interrupt a romantic relationship, cutting it off in the middle for a long time before people come back to it (when they do). There may be sex and even kids before romance or commitment.

Do y'all feel like you see or have seen good representations of these kinds of non-linear romantic relationship development out and about? What do you think about the lack of visibility for these other ways it all can go? And how true do you feel like that more common script is in your lives and the lives of people you know? Why do you think that linear framework is what gets idealized so much: why do you think other ways of experiencing or doing romantic relationships are not as often held up as ideals?

[Sam W]

I can't come up with many examples of alternative romance timelines (which is now the name of my David Bowie coverband) that I've seen in the media. I the narrative you (Heather) mentioned is very popular because it feels very tidy from a storytelling perspective. There's a start, a middle point where we see the relationship develop and likely face some challenges, and then the happy conclusion. There is the "before sunrise/sunset/after midnight" trio of movies, which play with the standard narrative a little. They start with a meet cute, then follow our heroes through a few hours in a city. Then our heroes don't see each other for another 10 years. Next movie is 10 years later, they meet again, and start to wonder if they should be together. The ending of that film is ambiguous. Third film takes place 10 years after the second, and they're now married and not terribly happy. An example of a not "neat" love story, I think.

The weird thing about the standard romance timeline is that it does pretty tidily match my own personal experience. I met my partner in highschool, we dated, then dated more seriously, continued to date through college and a LDR, then got engaged. But we are definitely not the norm within our friend group, or in the wider world.

[ratperson]

Some soap operas have different progressions, where the woman initiates the relationship or they take breaks to explore other options, but again there's a lot of heterocentrism and once they're together it's a relatively linear progression.

One example I've seen that wasn't linear was The Fault in our Stars, but that's also exceptional because of all the elements of death and the fact that the writer deliberately created it to be more like a typical first teen love story, with stops and starts and going in circles and everything. One thing I liked was that in the movie, the girl initiated the first 'real' kiss they had as a 'couple', and in both the book and the movie, physicality wasn't as important as being together and having an emotional bond. The fact that they didn't see each other a lot and communicated through texts and emails and phone calls, then would spend a while together before going back to distance-contact was also more realistic than a lot of things I've seen.

My relationship has progressed a bit differently - my boyfriend had a few girlfriends before me but never went past kissing with any of them; I hadn't even held hands with someone before. We started 'dating' before we had even been talking for more than a month (I was a junior and he was a senior in high school) and met each other's families right away, which I've heard is pretty rare. It was within a month of starting dating. We've been together ever since (I'm now a junior in college, so four years!), which a lot of people thought wouldn't happen. One friend even commented that we're the only ones from high school still together. Much of our relationship has been texts, IMs, and seeing each other only on weekends since I'm in college and he works nights, which is why I liked the portrayal in TFIOS. (I could go on, but that would be rambling and not relevant to the conversation here, so I'll save it for another thread if any are created where it would fit!)

[Mo]

I have two partners in my life who I dated for a period of time, remained friends with once the relationship ended, and then started a relationship again after some time (2 years for one, 5 for the other) had passed. Each step of that process has looked very different for these two people, and neither relationship feels, to me, very similar to any breakup/get back together narrative I've seen in media. I really wish I had examples of media portrayals of more non-standard relationship models. The only examples I can think of are some stories in a queer webzine some friends of mine edit; nothing more mainstream comes to mind.

I recently came across the "relationship escalator" as a name for the typical progression of meeting -> dating -> commitment/cohabitation -> marriage -> children that is so common, and I think that's a good way to think about it. There's an idea that each of these things build on each other, and that people naturally want to go to the "next level" with a partner without any sort of de-escalation or just hanging out halfway up because that's what feels best to them. And I think a lot of people do like that model! But it's generally presented as the Only Way relationships can even work.

[Atonement]

This post made me think of the movie One Day, which I really did enjoy.

While there were some flaws (the guy in the story was allowed a LOT more "messiness" than I think a girl would have been), I think it was a pretty good example of a nonlinear relationship that changed a lot over several years. It uses a pretty cool format, exploring the character's lives on one day only each year. Sometimes they're romantic, sometimes they're not, and sometimes they're not even in contact.

[Jacob]

Have you guys watched adventure time? One of the things I like most is how Finn has a crush on princess bubblegum then she gets magically younger and they become compatible, but then when she grows again knowing that it is likely the end of their relationship but will save the candy kingdom, he has to move on. Then she makes it super clear that she no longer sees him that way.

I really like how non-linear that trajectory is. He seems to have matured so much by the process of having had to accept that change...but at the same time when they were an item, there was also no future expectations. It is just really well written!

Oh Finn.

[Mo]

Jacob, I've only seen the first season of Adventure Time but that sounds really great, and is another reason why I need to go ahead and watch the rest of it!

[suburban_witch]

Oh, man, I really need to watch Adventure Time, just in general. So many amazing GIFs on Tumblr challenging linear relationship scripts.

I'd like to speak more to how the lack of these scripts have the potential to create anxiety. I wonder if all this coverage about social media and kind of having to always live with past relationships being constantly being in the foreground, or using dating websites, but having to be super-selective about things because people tend to be jerks when real human bodies aren't immediately involved, is helping to shift how the fictional, linear narrative is transposed onto real life. If anything, I feel like that coverage is kind of showing that life (at least in your twenties) is way messier than these movies would have us think, even if a lot of these articles are written in a panicked sort of way ("Twentysomethings Destined to be Forever Alone, Tinder To Blame"). I think a lot of creative nonfiction, to that end, is great at shattering those expectations. (Particularly, I'm thinking of Rachel Shukert's book, Everything Is Going to Be Great, and Cheryl Strayed's Wild (and even Tiny Beautiful Things, even though it's an advice column. I'm also thinking of a recent column Ann Friedman wrote, where she and her best friend get their hearts broken by the same guy, and they reaffirm their friendship by getting matching tattoos and sharing stories about how horrible he was.

Of course, I don't need to tell you all this, but when the Linear Love Script is presented uncritically, it can make you feel like, "Well, this hasn't happened yet, so, what's wrong with me?" I'm writing a zine about it, but I also think it's one of the reasons I want to write here; so I can keep challenging that narrative.