Initiation and contact in sex

[ShadowSong21]

Hello again.

I have somewhat of an issue. When we're intimate my boyfriend is afraid of touching me. I can give him a handjob and blowjob, and during that or after he doesn't do much more than stroke my body thighs, shoulders etc. He also very rarely initiates the while encounter or given activities.
I already talked to him about it some, but not much came out of it.

[Sam W]

Hi Shadowsong,

Can you tell me a little more about how the conversation went? For instance, did he agree to try to be more hands on (for lack of a better term)? And did you get some sense of where his fear of touching you is coming from?

[ShadowSong21]

He acknowledged that he does it and he's scared about hurting me or making me uncomfortable. He said he will kinda try to change it or explore. I think it has to do with my dysphoria, but I'm not sure. He said it's more about him how he feels, than me.

[Sam W]

That detail helps a lot, thank you. If some of his worry is coming from touching you in a way that makes you uncomfortable or sets off your dysphoria, have you two had a larger conversation about what places and ways you want to be touched and which places and ways he needs to steer clear of (and talked about the same for his body)?

[ShadowSong21]

Yes we had a lot of conversations about it and I assured him that if it changes, I'll let him know, and if I don't want something I'll tell him on the spot. He told me what I shouldn't do as well but then, when got more comfortable with me slowly partially removed it. Yet it's still how it is.

[Jacob]

Hi ShadowSong... I'm sorry it hasn't changed much!

I wonder if this is just a communication/confidence issue, would it help if you guys could have a similar conversation again but with more physical demonstration of what you're talking about? If you skip the oral or manual sex stuff, but just put his hands exactly where you'd want them or swap roles perhaps?

[ShadowSong21]

It's not that he doesn't know what to do, it's that he's afraid to do it and doesn't do it. Also I wouldn't even know exactly what more to show him. I've shown him already some things. I'm dysphoric often about multitude of things and what I want, or don't want, and what makes me feel bad changes

[Sam W]

Can I ask if there's been a instance where you two have been in the middle of being sexual and he's touched somewhere that was a "no" for that day? If there was, how did that go?

[ShadowSong21]

Well there was a situation when he was touching me, I showed him a different way to touch me but he tried it for a bit and went back to the default way cause he thought it would give me more pleasure, and he was also asking me uncomfortable questions and comparing his body to mine. I ended up enduring it as much as I could be got up got dressed and walked to have a smoke and started crying. I explained to him what was wrong after calming down.
Other times I didn't tell him during, that I was somewhat dysphoric about it, but told him afterwards that it made mr feel iffy, but I also told him it was my decision to continue it, and didn't blame him whatsoever. So that one time is only time I can recall.

Also the other day it happened that he finished really quick. He was tired and somewhat tipsy. He ended up shutting himself down, feeling really bad, and blaming himself. I was telling him it sometimes happens and there are different days, and that it's fine, but he didn't listen and continued to feel bad for the rest of that and the next day. I really didn't know how to cheer him up or what to do.

[Jacob]

It sounds like your attempts at sex at the moment are making you both unhappy. Is that so?

In that case I would say that stopping sexual contact for a while until you work out what's been going wrong can be a really effective way to reset and start feeling better which can make these sorts of conversation easier.

[ShadowSong21]

No I don't think our sex life is necessarily making me or him unhappy. It's more that there are things that need fixing and working on, and there's a lot of uncertainty and fear and anxiety around it I guess, and emotions. I don't think that stopping being intimate will solve anything. I think it can only bring in more distance and strengthen the emotions and uncertainties and anxieties that are already in place.

[Sam W]

Have you two sat down and talked about how sex/physical intimacy that makes both of you happy, and that doesn't cause either of you stress, might look? If so, how did that conversation go?

[ShadowSong21]

Yeah so we talked yesterday about those times I described and he's not sure what happened. First time he was scared to go further and second zoned out, was to tired to respond etc. When it comes to not touching me he gave up on doing it cause I told him couple times in a row not to go there.
We also talked about initiating, about more frequent blow jobs so he's not so pent up, and about doing more stuff when we don't have in mind it ending up in full intercourse.
But I don't know if sex that makes me fully happy is possible with my dysphoria and how my body works.

[Sam W]

Glad to hear the two of you are able to talk about it and try to figure out some approaches that might work for you. Being willing and able to communicate about those issues is a big, helpful step.

I know, from our past conversations with you here, that dysphoria has made sex pretty fraught for you overall. Are you at a point where you feel like pushing back (for lack of a better word) at that dysphoria in small ways to try and explore and enjoy your sexuality is something you want to try? Or are you feeling like the best call for you is to, as much as you can, steer clear of things that set that dysphoria? Too, are you still seeing a therapist regularly?

[ShadowSong21]

Yeah we do try to communicate as much as possible.

I am still seeing my therapist regularly but she seems to try to avoid talking about sex and sexuality for some reason and if we do get to talk about it she shrugs, she doesn't know what to say or do about it.
I did/do try to push back dysphoria and try to tame things that makes me dysphoric, but for the most part it's no use.
Before I didn't want to do anything with my tail, but couple months back I even tried penetrating with it. It didn't go anywhere cause I'm unable and it did cause dysphoria on various occasions. It did behave like that even before, and now on HRT it's even more useless.
I tried using it cause I thought to myself that if I'm already doomed to live with it might as well try getting some pleasure out of it for myself and or others, but it didn't work out.
Now my bf uses it like a clit, but even that works sometimes. Often I don't feel anything with it, like no sensation.

[Sam W]

That's a deeply unhelpful way for your therapist to be responding, and I imagine it's a bit frustrating for you to be trying to get support around something major and having her not know how to handle it. We may have talked about this before, but do you have any options that you know of for finding a more non-binary competent therapist, or a therapist who deals more often in issues related to sex?

Since you have a strong sense of what parts of your body don't feel much pleasure (or set off dysphoria when you try to pleasure them), do you have an equally solid sense of parts of your body that you do like having touched? Not even in a sexual way, but just in general. That could be things like your hands, your hair, your back, really any part of you.

[ShadowSong21]

First of all, I really wanted to thank you for talking with me about this all. I know you have a lot on your heads and many people need your assistance. So I really appreciate your time.

A lot of media that I stumble upon, both irl and drawn, when I look for representation suggested that I should use my tail for penetration. It even feels like pressure often. But even if I tried or would try to get comfortable with it and fight through dysphoria, I'm still unable to do this. It feels frustrating at times.

Well the thing is, very few therapist know about transgender people here in Poland and even fewer are friendly towards them, and are suited for me, so I don't have much of a choice, unless I try using services like BetterHelp or anything like that ( and I don't know if they're professional enough and if I can even afford them)

I don't really know if any of my body parts are pleasurable to touch, in sexual or non-sexual way. I don't feel like there are specific parts like that to be honest.

[Mo]

Based on what you said here about not knowing if any parts of your body feel pleasurable to touch, I'm wondering: are you experiencing pleasure at all when you have sex with your partner?

[ShadowSong21]

@Mo
Yes I am, quite a lot to be honest, why are you asking that?

[Mo]

I think I may have misunderstood your last response to Sam, where you said you didn't know if any of your body parts were pleasurable to touch; I was taking that to mean you weren't aware of places that do feel pleasurable when they're being touched so I wanted clarification on that. Sorry if that was confusing!

[ShadowSong21]

@Mo
Now I'm even more confused, as to what you were thinking in the first place and what you are thinking now...

[Mo]

I'm so sorry I'm being confusing. My original worry was that you weren't experiencing much or any pleasure during sex, but choosing to have sex anyway. From your response, though, it sounds like I was wrong. That's it!

[ShadowSong21]

So I've been feeling much more dysphoric past few weeks and intimacy almost stopped in my relationship.
Yesterday I had visit at psychologist and we talked about my body, dysphoria etc. and she told me that I should drop the vision of ever being cis, say goodbye to it and grieve. I deep down kinda knew I'll never be cis but it hit me super hard and my world fell apart a bit.

Also what do you think about what I wrote about those expectations and me being torn between following them or not.
I'd love to hear from you but no hurry or pressure. I hope you're all doing well.

[Siân]

Hi ShadowSong,

That grief is real. I'm so sorry. There is a real sense of loss from looking at an alternate reality and knowing that it's not your reality. That said, I wonder what it is you feel that you've lost? What would being cis mean for you?

As for expectations, honestly I have never thought that the expectations of others were a good reason for doing anything sexual. What matters is what you feel good about doing. Yes, it's great that for some girls and nonbinary folks, entering their partner feels good and gender-affirming, but that doesn't mean that it has to be that way for you. No matter what your gender or your anatomy, there is no "right" way to have sex, full stop.

You spoke about how dysphoric you've been feeling recently and the reduction in intimacy in your relationship. What has helped you when you've felt dysphoric before? And when you talk about intimacy, do you mean sexual intimacy? If you still want that feeling of closeness and connection, maybe there are other ways that you can find it that aren't so much about the physical - is that something you'd like to talk about?

[ShadowSong21]

Hi Sian

I feel like I've lost possiblility of getting pregnant and having children, having menstruation and generally body more aligned.

It really doesn't feel like I'm the one who decides what I should do and what's good for me. There were multiple situations including very progressive people and rape where people did weird things to me because of my anatomy. And what I do or would do in sex isn't portrayed anywhere so I feel like an invalid freak. Feels like I'm broken,

Nothing really helps me when I get dysphoric. Almost everything I do just worsens it. Only playing games and detaching from reality can help. I meant both sexual intimacy and physical intimacy including hugs, touch and kisses.