Painful/impossible intercourse?

[MaddieC]

Hello, I never posted here and never really shared this story online. I think a part of me is hoping to get some answers.

I’m 29 and I haven’t had sex since my first and only boyfriend with whom I lost my virginity to.

Backstory: me and my ex started dating when I was 18 and after about 6 months we started having sex. I was completely at ease with him and I fully trusted him. Our first time was well, painful, as it should be right? Our next attempts were a little bit easier but left me sore and still hurt. It only got more comfortable when I started taking the pill and we didn’t use condoms any more. The thing is I really needed to be fully aroused and stimulated to be able to handle penetration and reach climax. We pretty much did it all the time and it got easier and easier with time, and got less uncomfortable. Even though I sometimes felt a bit tight and sore afterwards, it didn’t hurt and I was always looking forward to have sex with him!

Then at the age of 23 we broke up. And several years passed without me having a sexual partner.

Recently I started online dating and even though I was sexually attracted by this one guy, we weren’t able to have sex.

Truth be told, even though I kinda liked the guy at that time we didn’t know each other very well (we met for the first time about 1 week before trying to have sex). I didn’t feel completely at ease with him, even though he was a gentleman. There was a lack of emotional connection and trust very unlike what I had with my ex. And then there was also the anticipated fear of pain, not be successful and making a complete fool of myself ..

When we got to that moment, which I did look forward to, I could feel myself getting tense and nervous and all I could think about was that penetration would be impossible. And it was. It was like the penis was hitting a wall. I felt ashamed even though the guy didn’t make a fuss about it. He said he wouldn’t try again unless I felt comfortable and ended up pleasing me in other ways.

I feel so frustrated and ashamed. Is this what I’ve read so many time that’s called vaginismus? Will I ever be able to have sexual intercourse again...? Any helpful tips to overcome this?

EDIT: Recently, I tried the same thing with another guy. Penetration was impossible and prior to the act itself I felt even more tense than with the last guy. Worst part was, this one guy didn’t even try to reassure me or please me. He was super attractive but let’s just say he had the emotional capacity of a walnut

[phantomdog]

hi,

i had this same issue for the longest time with my boyfriend up until a few months ago. as far as vaginismus goes, that's something you'll have to see a doctor for - they can test for sure and help you out from there. but in my experience, a lot of it was the underlying emotional battles we were both dealing with, both independently and ones that overlapped with each others'. we weren't able to have sex until we broke up! we spent some months apart before getting back together and were finally able to have sex. so sometimes checking in with yourself and your emotional health can be of great aid.. another thing we changed was the brand of lube we used. the first one caused burning and made already painful intercourse flat out impossible. now we like to use organic lube (it also smells really good). third, you might want to try sticking with people you trust to be vulnerable and intimate with. starting with a lot of slow, pleasure centered foreplay is a great way to kick things off. you might want to experiment with fingering before the penetration by the penis begins. if none of these work, i'd say pay the doctor a visit. hope this helps!

[Sam W]

Hi MaddieC,

Phantomdog hit a lot of key points here, and I just wanted to toss this resource your way in case you haven't seen it yet: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

I also want to add that it might help to take vaginal intercourse off the table for a little while. It sounds like the worry that it may be painful again is making you (understandably) nervous, which is in turn making you tense up and kind of creating a loop that your brain and body get stuck in. Deciding to only do other kinds of sex with partners for the time being can go a long way towards removing that tension.

[MaddieC]

Such helpful information!! Thank you both I’ll be sure to take things more slowly next time....

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful!