Mixed messages and depression

[Stuck11]

Hey Heather and Jacob, thanks. I don't know that I'm necessarily doing a better job with boundaries All I did was say he needed to move out and then that I needed space, which he honored. If anything, right now, it feels almost like I'm impinging on his boundaries. After the 3 weeks was up, I followed up like I had planned via email, with no response. I then checked in via text a couple of times, asking for clarity with increasing intensity and vulnerability.

He responded with an email saying he wanted space and then insisted on retrieving his stuff from my house, even though it felt overwhelming and too soon.

I think he wanted to feel free and whole, in case I were to cut contact again. Then he didn't give me the photos back in a timely way and I asked about it. I'm doing a lot of the initiating but am wondering if it would have been more correct just to let him be (even if it meant anxiety and uncertainty for me).

I don't know. I can see some of how he is trying to control things, but can also see how he might just be overwhelmed and unable to process the relationship yet.

I did get the sense, when we met in person, that he still cared about me and hoped for us to both be healthy, and have some type of connection in the future. He said so. But then was also hinting things about "we'll just play it (friendship) by ear" and "we can't put rules around it" (in regards to a plan for the future and courteous, timely communication).

I know it's best that we have space. But it does feel strange that he's cutting me off. He's using very formal, professional language and just avoiding all of the topics he made it sound like we'd address post-break. I get that he may not be ready yet--or otherwise depressed/overwhelmed--but yea. My mind is drawing all these conclusions about him from afar.... when really I have no way of knowing.

I don't like the feeling that my instincts were right all along. It's easier to blame my anxiety on myself than to accept this, almost.

I find myself wondering if he really lost interest in me, or whether it was XYZ other factors... like whether I saw him too fully or had expectations he wasn't prepared to meet. I can't even tell if it's a real "rejection" or him just needing a stopgap/mental health breather and not knowing how to go about it. Round and round we go, I guess.

Killing off the hope and adding up all the numbers still doesn't feel quite right. I can't explain it.

[Heather]

I hear you, with all of this. I also understand how confusing it all feels, and how impossible to really put your finger on so much of what's going on.

Honestly, you probably won't be able to in any real, solid ways until you really are not only all the way out of this, but until you've had some real time and space -- years, not weeks or months -- so you can see and consider it all more from a distance. It's so hard to get a sense of these kinds of things when we're still so tangled up in our feelings about something and not very far away from how it was (and how we were in it). I also think it's really hard to see something clearly when we have any kind of dependence on/with it.

How able are you feeling these days to try and just let go of any attachment to this relationship and this person? In other words, to do all you can do to move on with your own life separate from both, and to get yourself in the mindset where you just figure this is probably something in the past, rather than thinking that a separation might be temporary?

[Stuck11]

I guess I'm feeling unable to let go still That's in part because my partner always painted this separation/growth period as part of some necessary evolution in our relationship. He knew he couldn't handle this all right now, and said we both needed to grow. But he was "optimistic" that things would work out because we were so connected spiritually and otherwise.

He was the one who pushed the idea of friendship in the interim. He always framed it as a break, part of some longer range plan.

So I guess I felt like I was on board with that. That's part of why all the residue is so tough to move past. He made me swear that we would be friends for the rest of our lives. He left all this room for hope of rebuilding... He's just doesn't compute endings or finality I guess.

Now it feels like I'm needing to renege on all that in order to move forward.

My mind won't accept that it's in the past, because I really don't know if that's the case. Plus I also do want to be friends, whether way down the line or sooner. I do believe he's a good person and I just can't give up on him in a total sense. I feel like I can lessen the connection and reflexivity of it. But not let it fully go. You know?

[Heather]

I think that we can let go of people and relationships without necessarily closing the door on them forever.

In other words, I don't think if you let go of the attachment to this and him ( or at least start to try), that's the same as you closing the door. Mind, once you are able to do that more, you may find you feel differently and may want to consider closing that door, but that's still something else entirely, you know?

To put this in a different context, let's say that I really, really, really want to do a certain kind of work: that a given job is my dream. But I keep finding that no matter what I do, I can't seem to find a way to make it happen, and in the meantime, it's becoming painful for me and it's also keeping me from exploring other dreams that might be within reach. So, I work on letting go of my attachment to that dream as something I must have, that's essential for my happiness and as what I am putting so much time and energy and life into. Over time, it turns out that once I stop being so attached to that ideal, I can actually let it go. I find other things that are both within reach and just as fulfilling as I imagine that other thing would be. Now, it could still happen that I wind up with an opportunity to do that thing someday: if it turned out I still wanted to do that most of all, I could likely switch gears and take that opportunity. My letting go of my attachment to it wouldn't have shut the door on it, it just would have given me the ability to find other dreams and have other experiences and not be so focused on this. Get what I mean?

[Stuck11]

That makes sense. I feel kind of stupid for being so attached, I guess. I'm trying to let go of the threads slowly (especially since there's no real reason to reach out anymore given his inaccessibility).

The hard thing is just that I wasn't expecting this to be like a death. I feel like he duped me into thinking we'd still be in each other's lives. Then it all stopped making sense and he could never just tell me what had changed. I realize that behavior is more important than words, but God.

He even stayed in the same city as me when he had a job offer elsewhere with family. It's just been so confusing, and I'm having to reverse engineer everything. And it's starting to look like this person is not who I thought at all. That has shaken me and my sense of reality.

I don't really trust myself, because his opinions and judgments of me have been so defining.

All my ruminating is really a buffer against the shock I think. I know I should block him on social media, pull back entirely, etc. It seems extreme since he literally doesn't talk to me anymore. But I guess that's the next step.

[Heather]

Oh, Stuck, you're not stupid and neither is your attachment to this person and this relationship. Both have been very important to you and you have invested an awful lot on them. Of COURSE you have attachment, and of COURSE it's not easy to let go of.

Also? Of course you feel duped and confused and disoriented. It also makes a lot of sense to me that your faith in your own judgment is shaken right now. I get it, I really do.

I don't think there is any way to do this but with baby steps, and it is still pretty early in this process. I wasn't suggesting you should somehow be able to let go of all attachment right now, just that you do what you can to start and keep taking steps to work on that, that's all.

[Stuck11]

I know, I wasn't taking it as a do-it-all-right-now suggestion. I just wanted to express the blindsidedness somehow, because I've never had the experience of a relationship ending in a total sense AFTER the break/up. Or like not knowing those were the terms. So while it was actually 6 weeks ago that he moved out, I think the reality of his intentions (or at least the reality of his actions and what they mean) just hit me in the last 3 weeks. I honestly thought we would reconnect in a real way, and that we were on the same page about that at least.

Serious heartbreak town over here But I do feel the baby steps happening, day by day. Things are a little less intense emotionally at least. I guess the intellectual adding up has just started though.

I really appreciate you all being so conversational and wonderful during this. It's amazing to feel when other people really care, and so meaningful when they assert your rights and validate some of your feelings when you can't. Seriously. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel.

And I know that other people have their own stuff too. I.e. their own breakups and health issues and all the other things that come along in life. It's amazing that you can be steadfast and make space for others to become healthier in the midst of that.

I've been talking to my mom a lot about this too, and I'm realizing that her advice encourages some not great patterns (even though she means well). That's been hard to reckon with, and it's also made me realize how my own family deals with a lot of the same dynamics of avoidance, disinterest, emotional hiding, etc. Just A LOT registering at once.

But I think all the tears and the openness are clearing me out somehow too. In a good way. I'm slowly starting to feel more of a range of emotions, and name them. And I don't feel like I'm lying to myself on some level or carrying as much weight.

I hope you are working through your breakup in baby steps too, and maybe that my writing is helpful in some odd way with processing it.

[Heather]

I'm so glad to hear those last bits, about some of the positive changes and impacts you've begun to experience. I really am rooting hard for you over (or up, I suppose) here, even when I'm not doing it directly.

There's a common theory around breakups and how people do them that posits that typically (suffice it to say, what's typical often isn't ideal or great), in relationships made of two people, one person decides they're going to break up or move on or change things, and does a lot of their processing about that before they even tell the other person. So, when it goes like that, one person is generally ahead when it comes to all this, and the other behind. It's probably obvious that it is a LOT harder to be the person who only finds out, or figures things out, down the road and is behind. I think that's where you are, and with my last breakup, it's where I clearly was, too, even though I sure didn't think that was the case, and only realized it was in hindsight. And I think it's particularly painful and jarring and maddening when you've been doing more of the heavy lifting in the relationship.

I'm doing okay, and it's lovely you asked. If this is TMI, holler at me and I'll step back, but assuming it might be a comfort to not be the only one exposing so much, I'll share a little right now. I'm not sure if I mentioned to you that my relationship that ended was in a state of being open when it was, and I have the profound benefit in all of my yuck of being in another relationship that's actually very lovely, loving and supportive. It has it's challenges too, as everything does, but it's certainly made how awful my split (of a relationship that I was in for almost ten years this last time, but also had been in for a few years much earlier in my life, so it's been pretty major) was less so.

But truly, if it makes you feel any better, intimate relationships are literally my job, and have been for two decades. I have won awards for this shit and i *still* didn't really see a good deal of what was coming in my own relationship nor did I see some of the dynamics I was in clearly. It really is very, very hard, even when you're really freaking good at it, old and have a lot of experience. Also, some people are just truly selfish af and good at cloaking that, and that's probably all I have to say about that for either of us to know exactly what I mean and give each other a very tired high-five.

And by all means, I think people talking to each other the way the two of us and others have so candidly and supportively is always mutually helpful and helps all of us grow and process and grow some more. I promise what you've gotten from this isn't one-sided.

[Stuck11]

There are so many ups and downs to this experience. I was doing okay the other day, thinking about how I was making small steps forward, and trying to stay as social as I could manage. But today has been another story. I woke up exhausted and then ground through my entire workday pissed off. I exercised after I got home and talked with my neighbor for a while, but the whole time it felt like I was swallowing a scream in my throat. The anxiety and frustration makes the skin on my face feel like it's tingling.

I haven't reached out to my ex or anything, and I'm trying to just settle on the fact that there is nothing more I can do to remedy the situation. But I find myself imagining his breakup recovery as being carefree and productive--even though it might not actually be--and then getting super pissed off. It's like my mind is eating itself: producing negative thoughts and then responding to those negative thoughts. Just a really bad cycle.

I feel really angry at myself for letting him say mean things to me, and for being so understanding when he was basically saying things like "I'm not attracted to you," "There isn't a strong enough emotional connection," "We're just too different," "We make each other miserable," etc. I tried to believe that depression was part of this reaction, because he kept ACTING in ways that suggested mixed feelings. Now I wish I had just told him to go away--and somehow made it a more solid boundary. At least then maybe I wouldn't have had to deal with his guilty rage, and feel less like I have holes in my spirit from all those comments. I don't understand why he wouldn't just leave if he was so miserable.

I see my therapist on Wednesday. I've been doing less of the stuff that's patently destructive, like checking my ex's social media or wondering as much about this or that in his daily life. I've given up hope as much as I can. I'm trying to put the focus back on me, but I feel like a sucking wound... just a bundle of negative stuff. I can't really seem to feel my anger fully, even though that seems to be the key in getting to a better place. It's like the pot needs to boil over, but instead it just keeps simmering until all the water is evaporated and the metal itself is burning.

Normally in this situation, I would try to re-set by doing something extreme by moving to another part of the country. To feel clean and back in control, like things are new and less cumbersome. I've done that before and just had faith that I would figure everything out. But I don't really have the option of doing that right now. I am already set to switch apartments in town--but it doesn't feel like enough. I am tempted to quit my job, move, and cut off all this uncertainty and bull crap about whether we'll ever speak to each other again. One part of my mind says that's a rash, and will make the depression worse. Yet another part of me says I need to get out while I'm in crisis if I'm going to get out at all--ever.

Do you have any suggestions for emotional abuse support groups or anything? This reality is just really scary. It's like there's no me left.

All the mundane things I do to try and reconnect to the old me don't seem to be working. I cooked an Indian dish last week. I go swimming. I hang out with people. I can't really stand to listen to any kind of music... and it just doesn't occur to me anymore. I just don't seem to care about anything. Even reading. It's all just blah and life feels like one really long slog.

[Sam W]

Hi Stuck,

It sounds like you actually have been taking some big steps in terms of giving him less space in your head (and your heart). And it sucks that, even in the midst of doing a bunch of things right to take care of yourself and move forward, there can still be so much sorrow and frustration built up inside you. I've been in a similar spot to you in terms of feeling like reconnecting with the old me was not happening, and it really can be so frustrating to feel like access to all those parts of yourself have been cut off.

You mentioned having that urge to scream. Honestly, while you can't do it in public or conversation, there's something to be said for screaming into a pillow when you feel all that frustration and anger building up. It can actually help your brain complete a cycle of "I am angry, now I am expressing the anger, okay now I can focus a little better on being calm/reading my book/etc."

That feeling of wanting to make a big, sudden change in the wake of a really painful break-up (especially one where you realize the relationship itself was not good for you in a lot of ways) makes a lot of sense. Heck, it's where the cliche of people doing things like cutting their hair or getting a tattoo after a break-up comes from. I'd caution against something as drastic as packing up and moving somewhere totally new, if for no other reason than the stress of a move and new place can be a bad mix if you're in the middle of a depressive episode. As we've talked about before, moving apartments may help with that urge to shake things up (especially if it offers the opportunity to decorate and design spaces based on your tastes and your tastes alone). Too, since you're seeing your therapist soon, if you haven't already you two could brainstorm other ways to channel that "time for a drastic change" energy.

Heather may have some other recommendations, but one starting point for a support group may be a local domestic violence resource. They often have support groups around different issues, and even if they don't have one around emotional abuse, they may be able to refer you to somewhere that does. Too, if you're comfortable sharing your zipcode, we can also help you look (it's okay if you're not, we can help in other ways as well).

[Stuck11]

Thanks. I'll search by zipcode and see what I find. Just wasn't sure if there was a good national org with local offshoots that I should focus on. I think screaming into a pillow is a good idea... I did it once before and it helped somewhat even though I felt super self conscious.

I'm still in this swirling space where it feels like my ex has made me out to be some toxic enemy. I'm sure he would call me abusive, and use that as reason never to speak to me again. I guess it just feels like there's a grudge in the air that's making me ill. I don't want him to hate me or see me in skewed ways, especially when I've tried to be accountable in as many ways as possible.

I wish I could get rid of the persistent, heavy negative feelings around the relationship and just see the end as something that was nobody's fault. But it feels like a trainwreck and a waste of what was once a good friendship. I want to have faith that maybe, in time, he won't hate me or see me as a threat-- something anxiety-producing.

I don't know why his opinion of me matters so much to me. But the whole thing is super bothersome, especially when he asked for space. I'm honoring the request but it has made me feel like I'm a bad person.

[Jacob]

Oh Stuck, this is so relatable. I really struggle knowing that there are people out there that think bad things about me... it's a natural part of coming into contact with lots of different people, but takes a while to heal from.

I think the good thing about having been given a clear boundary by your ex is that you can use it as evidence to yourself that you do respect it and have done all you can. There may be more things like that are worth remembering and using to ground yourself.

With domestic violence orgs, ones with local roots can often be some of your best options, and sometimes are the only options just because it requires a lots of links with local services and communities to run an organisation like that.

This is pretty different from the pillow screaming (you can do both!) but I think it has helped me to have plants, or spots of nature around me and try and watch them change over time. It feels much more in pace with how healing goes for me.

[Stuck11]

Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing okay. I feel kind of weird reviving this thread after such a long time, but I wanted to bounce a few ideas off of you all. I've been trudging through this breakup as best I can--with a lot of ups and downs and in-betweens. Things were on the upswing until a couple of weeks ago; it felt like I was making some kind of progress and starting to focus my mind on other things. My ex and I had mostly been leaving one another alone, but sending goodwill texts and hellos every couple of weeks. Nothing dramatic or heavy. Then,after a couple of correspondences in which he said he said he hoped I was okay and was there if I needed talk, he messaged me some really nasty stuff around midnight one night. He dredged up some snooping I had done toward the end of the relationship, said he didn't see me the same way, had no more trust for me, asked (in a very paranoid way) if I was tracking him, said his image of me was getting worse and worse the longer we were apart, etc. I responded civilly because he seemed to be struggling. He apologized for the outburst the next day and said he was in the process of detoxing. Then he said we should only contact one another in case of emergency. I agreed to that and haven't reached out since.

Heather and I discussed some of that interaction offline, and we agreed that I needed to move forward and cut off means of contact.

I've been having a lot of nightmares since. I never really thought that he would try to hurt me like that. I feel like he's harboring ill will of some kind, and I can't shake that feeling. (Even if my conscious mind knows that he was probably being somewhat irrational and going through his own struggles unrelated to me). I don't think he hates me, but I feel poisoned now. I don't want to get back together with him but I had hoped that things between us would improve at least somewhat. Now that seems practically impossible.

It's been about 3 months since he moved out and I still think about him a lot, despite having a pretty busy life. I'm still hypervigilant and on the razor's edge, emotionally, most of the time. I'm going to therapy and whatnot. I think, overall, I'm still moving forward. But it feels so slow and incremental. The whole breakup experience still registers as shock.

I guess I'm wondering if you had any thoughts on how to measure "progress" post-breakup, and how to move on without any real sense of closure. I have had breakups before, but never had this much anxiety wondering if I would ever see the person again, get some greater perspective, be able to debrief together, etc. I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my life in limbo. I'm trying to be kind to myself but I feel a lot of pressure to take full advantage of life because it doesn't last very long.

Something just feels so wrong about the whole breakup scenario...It's like a fundamental piece of my understanding of him--and the situation--is just missing.

[Sam W]

Hi Stuck,

No need to apologize, we're always glad when users reach out to us for ongoing support, even if their last post was a little while ago!

It sucks that you're still left with those feelings of hypervigilance (and the nightmares), and that those are likely contributing to that feeling of slow progress. I want to emphasize that those feelings are not a failing on your part; they're a logical reaction to how your ex behaved during this most recent contact. It's hard to feel like you can move forward when he's deliberately setting off the "danger! He is potentially dangerous and we need to pay attention to him" button in your brain. How is the cutting off of contact going? Does it feel really difficult? Or is it feeling like a relief?

In terms of your main question, one thing to try is to focus on the steps you've taken to move forward, even when they feel fairly small. Highlighting those victories can help you realize just how far you've actually come. Too, it may also help to remember that you've done many tough, big things during this process; getting him to move out, for instance, or cutting off contact in the wake of him continuing to take his emotions out on you.

You can also measure progress in a very basic (but, I'd argue, accurate) way by thinking about what you're filling your life with as you move forward from the break-up. All the things you're doing, creating, maintaining, the lot of it. You're progressing, even on the days when it doesn't feel like it, by continuing to build and live your life.

When it comes to moving on without that sense of closure, one possible starting place is to ask yourself what closure would feel like.What would it look like? What would it give you? Since you know he's not going to help you (nor is he a safe person to seek that help from) get closure, are there parts of it that you can give yourself?

[Stuck11]

I think closure, for me, would feel like forgiveness. Or like I'm not hated, and the person understands some of what drove me to act the way I did.

I am having a lot of trouble forgiving myself, and rightfully so. I snooped, and that was, for him, the ultimate transgression. He is a really guarded person and I think I went too far. I am rethinking that whole last contact and wondering if he was actually trying to do me a favor--and offer me closure in some way. Like "I don't think of you the same way. Leave me alone. Don't think about me. You're unknown to me on some level now and what you did hurt too much to forgive." Maybe that was his way of saying things would never be the same and I should let him go. I was confused that he later apologized, though. Especially if those were his honest thoughts. His said he would contact me again after he had fully detoxed and things felt right.

For me, closure would feel like peace. I've already made the commitment to be a better person but I still feel fundamentally awful. Snooping is wrong, regardless of what led up to it.

I don't know how to forgive myself. All I can really do to work toward a better self estimate is treat the people in my life well. I am starting to feel like I drove the whole relationship off the rails with insecurity. I have trouble not putting him on a pedestal... at least the old version of him.

I know self forgiveness is an important part of closure and I'm trying for it. Closure is also acceptance, a firmly closed door... whereas I still want friendship. So those don't add up.

In terms of the no contact, it doesn't feel good and it doesn't feel bad. It doesn't feel like a relief. It just feels like an aching sense of something being wrong, or a vacuum.

[Stuck11]

I'm tempted to write a letter of apology that would fully address his feelings, but perhaps now is not the time

[Sam W]

I think you're right that a letter of apology is not a good call, even if it's appealing on some emotional level. I also think you're being incredibly generous and compassionate (both incredibly good instincts to have in general) about his motives for that late-night outburst. Given his pattern of behavior, it's likely those texts were much more about him being upset and wanting to take it out on you (as he did during your relationship) rather than trying to communicate something helpful.

I'm probably going to sound like a broken record when I say this, but: while it may feel like your snooping was the thing that sent this relationship off the rails, he was far more responsible for the things that brought the ending about. He was just very good at framing you as responsible for everything in the relationship, including things he had direct control over (like how he expressed his feelings). The reason I'm re-emphasizing that is because it sounds like your brain has latched onto the snooping as this big, unforgivable thing. And while it isn't a great thing to do (and something we generally advise against), it was an understandable stress reaction.

With that need for forgiveness, there may be a way you can forgive yourself for what you see as an error. Imagine it was a close friend, rather than yourself, who needed forgiveness from you for an error. What would they need to do for you to feel you could forgive them? Are there parts of that you can do for yourself?

Too, I wonder if it would help to start telling yourself a different story than you have been about the relationship and the break-up. How we feel about events in our lives has a lot to do with how we tell the story of those events to ourselves, and sometimes changing the story can help a lot. Has your therapist ever talked about an exercise like that (they may have used the word "reframing" instead)?

[Stuck11]

If I wanted to forgive a friend for snooping, I would probably want them to realize how their actions made me feel, and to have an honest discussion about why they felt the need to do that. But though I could probably forgive someone for snooping, I don't think the friendship would be the same. I feel bad that I've given my ex the ammunition to distance himself forever and blame me further.

I certainly know that I've raked myself over the coals over this mistake. I guess I know that SHOULD be enough. I know that the snooping wasn't the main cause of the breakup. Indeed it happened after we were on a non-mutual break and he was just living in the house. But I know it's concrete and blame-worthy and I just feel so exposed. I guess I will just try to frame the breakup story as "I was pursuing someone who was purposefully hidden, and it couldn't have ended any other way."

My therapist has tried to frame things differently, but I can't seem to just accept it. He says a lot of what you are saying, honestly. I feel like I tried really hard to fix things but waited too long, that I had mostly given up on the relationship but stayed in it, that I was emotionally withdrawing, etc. That I was controlling, and I felt entitled to my partner's personhood at the expense of their privacy. I don't know how to tell a different story that's still honest about my flaws.

[Mo]

It sounds like it's hard for you to lift some of this blame from yourself, when you're thinking about the relationship or trying to tell the story of the relationship in a different way. Would it be helpful at all, do you think, to try something like "our ways of dealing with each other and with a relationship weren't compatible or healthy," that acknowledges that some people just aren't compatible, relationship-wise, without laying a lot of blame for specific behaviors?

[Stuck11]

I'm able to say that to an extent, but getting myself to believe it is harder. It's just hard for me to accept that people can actually be fundamentally incompatible... it's more like they make themselves incompatible? In some ways, losing the culpability makes me feel worse because it means there's nothing that can be done to fix this Probably even as a friendship. I do understand the suggestion though, and it would be wise for me to take it and make it stick

[Sam W]

It may help to consider that you're likely at the point where a big part of internalizing and believing that version of the story is mostly about time; specifically, as more and more time goes by with you two being broken up, the easier it might become to internalize that belief. That doesn't necessarily make the process less frustrating, but it does mean you get to be patient with yourself.

That feeling that relieving yourself of blame also means giving up some form of control (namely the control to fix things) is actually pretty common. But, in a strange sort of way, it can also be freeing once the initial grief and disappointment wears off. One thing to try may be to look for ways to get the positive aspects of the relationship with your ex somewhere else. That could mean looking for lots of different things: feeling wanted or needed, being supported, having certain kinds of conversations, etc. But starting to find those elements may help the part of your mind that's still invested in maybe, one day, fixing things with him realize that it doesn't need him in order to feel certain ways. Does that make sense?

[Stuck11]

Yea, that makes sense. I hope that I will find something on the same level one day, whether through other friendships or other romantic relationships. I'm having a rough day today. It is my ex's birthday and I want to say something because it seems mean not to. I have held back so far, because last time we spoke we agreed to no contact except in cases of emergency, at least for the time being. At that time, as a last message, I wished him a happy birthday in advance and general positive vibes.

I'm tempted to post something on Twitter that would be a flag only to him on his bday... But I haven't. I don't want to cross a boundary he's set, or open a can of worms (his and mine). Still, I know that I was relieved to receive a birthday wish from him on my bday last month, even though we were on a very low level of contact. I don't want him to feel sad if I don't say anything further. I hate this whole calculus and feel kind of cruel either way

[Sam W]

That's a really understandable urge, and I'm sorry it's making today extra rough. I think, when you're doing that calculus, not contacting him is still the way to go, even if it feels mean at first glance. If you send the text, not only do you cross a boundary you asked for and agreed on, you also give him an opening to be mean to you in the way that he was with that previous series of texts.

Too, because you're still in a headspace where it's really easy for you to blame yourself for things, texting him now and breaking the boundary gives future you another thing to feel guilty about. So resisting that urge is likely to be kinder to you (and to him) in the long run. Do you kind of see what I'm getting at there?

Would it maybe be helpful to find a way today to redirect that instinct to reach out to him somehow? We could brainstorm ways to do that with you, if you like.

[Stuck11]

Yes, I would definitely be open to brainstorming. In fact, it was him who suggested the 'no contact unless in an emergency' thing. He apologized for lashing out and came out with that suggestion. I am just sort of going along with that as agreed. Heather suggested blocking all contact after he lashed out anyway.

[Sam W]

Ah, okay, I'd gotten that crossed in my head. Got it now!

Okay, so there could be a few different ways you could take that redirection. It may help to start by mulling over what things are beneath that instinct to contact him: a desire to be nice, for connection, to feel needed in some way? Something else entirely? Once you've identified those underlying wants, you can start thinking about what other actions you could take to fulfill them. For instance, if it would help to do something nice, you can think about ways you could do a kind action towards a friend (or a stranger, for that matter).