Mixed messages and depression

[Stuck11]

I think I just don't want him to feel bad, or as though I hate him or something. I guess it just feels like I'm leaving him high and dry on some level. But I know detachment is supposed to be the goal, ultimately (even though I feel very conflicted about it).

I have been trying to express that urge to be nice and express caring toward other people today... will call my mom in a bit to check in.

The only thing that's making this even remotely easier is that he was the one to declare the boundary

[Mo]

I think part of the no contact agreement that you've come to is that you really can't hold yourself responsible for how he feels, or what he thinks about what you think about him. As you say, this is part of a process of detachment, and an important part of that is letting yourself go from the feelings of obligation you have around managing his emotional state. That isn't something a person can or should do for someone else in the first place, to have a healthy relationship, but I think the no contact boundary is a helpful tool to remind yourself of that. I know it isn't as easy as just telling yourself "don't worry about this anymore!" but I do encourage you to keep that in mind.

Redirecting that desire to be kind and caring towards other people is a great impulse, I think!

[Stuck11]

I ended up adhering to the boundary, and it was one of the roughest experiences I've gone through so far in this process, aside from when he really lashed out at me a few weeks ago. I'm proud of myself on the one hand, because I think it does send the signal that I can respect boundaries set by others, and that if someone wants me gone, I'll actually go. I realized in talking with a friend of mine that anything i did on my ex's birthday would've caused a negative response. No message would have made him sad, and a message would give him an excuse to harangue me down the road when he's angry. I'm so very used to being in that double bind--in many different areas--with him. My feelings on his birthday were all stemming from residual panic, as well as some sadness that a simple well wish could not just be received and let pass.

I went through spirals of guilt last night until after midnight, and woke up today feeling like I had severed a tie by my actions. I'm trying not to scare myself with thinking much about the future but it's hard.

Today was guilt ridden too, and I ended up in a weird self abuse cycle after talking with a hair stylist who told me she and her partner had creative hobbies and decorated their house together around those hobbies. My ex had always talked about that, but made me feel like I wasn't pursuing my own creative passions enough, in comparison to his own dedication to his art. He made it seem as though I had no real sustaining interests, which isn't objectively true. He made me feel embarrassed for not always knowing what to do with my spare time, or for being tired or taken up with chores as opposed to creative stuff. But the message got through somehow and I question myself as a creative being now. Strange how someone's view of me could be so defining. Also strange is this echoing shame over not being exactly what my ex wanted.

I have been trying to more actively stop myself when I go into these spirals.. to not feed the beast I guess. But it's very hard to take my ex off of his pedestal as some creative model. It feels like he's discovered some truth about me, something about my lack of inertia or something about my depression. All of these negative opinions he has of me are so hard to shake, and differentiate from my own. It's like he's killing me from far away. The self blame stuff is really out of control...

I went to yoga and tried to keep those thoughts from busting through but they're like an echo in my head.

[Mo]

Good job sticking to that boundary. I know it's tough but I think that's the right call. I know you're having a hard time from spiraling into guilt and self-blame but I'm glad you have some things to try, like yoga, to distract yourself. Even if it doesn't always work, it's good to build up an arsenal of things to try and deflect those thoughts with.
I'm really hoping that over time the negative things that your ex liked to say about you will feel less strong and less true. I don't think this is someone who knew some great truth about you, but that he knew how to hit you in vulnerable places and make you feel bad about yourself.

I think, too, that being exactly what someone wants is probably a bad thing. People are all so different (and their wants can change over time), and the only way to be an exact match for someone's apparent or stated needs or desires is to spend time molding yourself into what feels like the right kind of person. And I don't think that can ever be good or healthy. Someone who's frustrated that you aren't exactly the way they want you to be is someone who isn't prepared for the realities of being in a relationship.

[Stuck11]

Hey all, I'm having kind of a rough day along with some difficult realizations about my own self.

I think I'm carrying around a lot of shame for who I am--things about myself that I find impossible to accept. That's part of why moving forward has been so hard to do, at least in part.

I'm realizing that I can't accept certain flaws that I have, and that I sometimes will morally grade others for having human uncertainties or wobbles. It's like I'm living in a fantasy about how people should act. i worry that I've been too cruel about the vulnerability of others.

I think I'm relatively amoral compared to a lot of people... that I don't have the best compass. I'm creepy about getting to know people and I don't trust anybody. I'm naturally chaotic and don't fixate on goals, and don't hone my sense of morality. I feel immature in my thinking always.

I don't know where these feelings are coming from, but I just know that shame is weighing me down so much I can barely move. I think my ex did make some good points, sure, but that my inbuilt shame is keeping me reactive and in pain. Besides therapy, what do you do to reduce shame? all I do right now is breathe, exercise, try to distract from it.

[Mo]

Sometimes I can feel better about shameful feelings by thinking about how I'd feel about a close friend who was dealing with the same thing. Often I am much harsher on myself for the feelings I have than I would be to anyone else having those same feelings, and trying to extend myself the same compassion I want to extend others can be helpful. It's tough, for sure, but it's something I'm trying to practice.

I wonder if it would be useful to talk to your therapist about wanting to focus on your feelings of shame for a bit. It can be tough to overcome and it sounds like you're having an extra hard time with it lately so some additional focus might help. I wish there was an easier way to get past these feelings that I could suggest for you. You're continuing to move forward and doing your best to keep yourself distracted; sometimes that's the best you can do. I think you'll get there.