how to support a loved one in a toxic relationship?

[kapena]

My 1st cousin is like a sister to me. For two years, we have been battling against her ex boyfriend who is the father of their 2 children. He has no job, has made racist comments towards her, complains and doesn't make an effort to come and pick up his children on his own, has called her a bad mother countless times. All of this, and it hurts to see her go back to him. Last night, we talked and she was seriously considering moving in with him and with the kids. I don't know what she sees in this crappy guy! Could it be that this is her very first romantic relationship and that it's tough to let go? I don't know. I do know that shaming her isn't going to do sh*t, and I will not abandon her. How can i support her in this tough ordeal? Articles, advice much appreciated.

[Sam W]

Hi Kapena,

This is such a tough situation to be in, although I'm glad to hear that your cousin has someone like you in her life who is supporting her and doing what you can to help her stay safe and away from her ex.

You're right that shaming her for her urge to go back, or even going "NO don't do that, don't go back there" like you're talking to someone about to go into a dark basement in a horror movie, is not going to help the situation. That being said, given that the two of you are close, I think you're in a position to ask her, gently, where that desire to move in with him is coming from. When you two talked about it, did she give you any sense of what her reasoning was? If so, how did you respond?

You might also get some use from this advice column from friend of Scarleteen, Captain Awkward. The situation isn't exactly the same, but she touches a lot on how to caution someone you love away from an abusive or toxic person in a way that doesn't reinforce the messages the toxic person gave them: https://captainawkward.com/2014/04/28/5 ... orrifying/