How can I process these feelings?

[Heather]

I've gotten caught up, and I'm so, so sorry to hear about how this has gone. I know it's already said, but I do just want to say again that I hope you know that none of this is your fault, and you do not deserve any of this treatment.

You know, I once had an ex who was cyberstalking me, then threatened to do it in person at my apartment. Because I personally have trauma when it comes to police, I didn't want to go that route if I didn't have to, so what I started by doing was organizing a couple different circles of friends who agreed they could be at the ready if and when I needed them around this. (One group was a whole bunch of drag queens, another was a group of women firefighters, so I also got to feel awfully entertained envisioning either of these groups acting as my personal army.)

You may or may not have drag queens and lady firefighters at your disposal, but might you have at least one or two friends you can fill in on all this and who might be willing to spend more time around you, period, or show up when you call them if and when things like this happen? That might make you just feel generally safer, and it might also make your ex feel more reluctant to keep at this and more likely to back the eff off.

[humanbeing]

Hi Heather,

I have many friends, but I think all of them are too timid to tell my ex off if he comes here again. Also, they are all fairly independent and I don't feel I could count on them to come when called over, as we've known each other for less than a semester.

At this point, I went to my RA to see if they could ban him from my building since he doesn't live here, but she said we couldn't unless I went through with a title IX investigation/hearing. The university can put me up in a kind of "safe house" type place across campus though. Which I think is kind of lame, considering it's my building, not his. But whatever.

She also had to report what she heard to her supervisor, and they are going to assign me some kind of title IX case manager, who hopefully won't take things further than I want to (the RA said they probably won't, as they wouldn't consider him an "active threat" on campus).

I am honestly not sure why my ex was in my building. He knows I live here, but he has no capacity for self-reflection and thought he was a great boyfriend and I was always too scared to speak my mind, even after we broke up. I'd like to think he was just here with friends because one of them lives here and they were hanging out, but I can't really think the best of him after one of my friends saw him carrying/fiddling with a pocket knife at new student orientation. He did not come to my door, thankfully. Though he knows my room number. Not too sure what will happen from here, but I think the university response is kind of lame. Hopefully, he just doesn't show up again.

[Heather]

I certainly feel that their response was not ideal. Am I understanding correctly that he doesn't go to your college?

In terms of your friends, I respect whether or not you want to ask them, but honestly, I've rarely seen a group of friends band together and get confident as quick as when one of those friends needs some protection from a shitty ex. It can feel pretty darn good as a friend to be that person -- I've been on both sides of this -- and there's also something about the feeling of safety in numbers. So, if you don't want to ask, I understand, but otherwise, there certainly isn't harm in asking them about this. If they say no, they say no. At the very least, I do think it's a good idea for us to tell our friends when we're in this kind of situation just so they know to be on the lookout and also know what we're going through so they can offer support if they want to and are able. I think you could benefit from being more supported no matter what. It really sucks feeling like you're going something like this alone.

Per where the RA and school take this, by all means, you should have the right to set boundaries and have limits you put out there -- like how far you want this to be taken -- respected.

[humanbeing]

He does go to my college. He got in because I revised/edited most of his essays and did a lot of his application. My college was his last choice but he had crappy grades and it was the only place he got in to (just barely too). It was my top choice because it is a state school and pretty good, but his family was rich and he wanted to go to a more elite school.

I will ask, and they are aware of the situation. But, I just don't think they would be available on short notice.

In terms of the title IX thing, they can disrespect my wishes and start an investigation without my consent if they deem it necessary for campus safety.

[Mo]

That's really unfortunate that your school's willing to disrespect your wishes in terms of how they approach an investigation. It may be worth talking with your RA again to be clear about what you're comfortable with and see if there's a way they can work with you to help you while respecting your wishes; it isn't fair that it has to be on you to push back against what your RA already said and try to get help in a way that feels good to you, but if you're up for it, it might be worth giving it a try. In the same vein I think it's worth talking to your friends as well, so you can have whatever support they're willing to give even if they aren't always available. I definitely agree with Heather that wanting to protect a friend can be a big motivator, and people might be willing to do more than you'd expected.

I really hope you don't have to deal with your ex in your dorm again, though; it does sound really upsetting. I'm sorry you're in this situation where you are having to see him at all.