I might be bi but I don't know how to experiment

[helloeveryone]

My dilemma is pretty much in the title. I'm a 19 year old girl and I'm currently dating a wonderful boy for over a year and have only ever had male partners. We've talked about this before and he encourages me to explore my sexuality. The problem is that I don't know where to start. I've thought about creating a tinder or something but I feel like nobody is interested in meeting up with someone who is a) in a relationship and b)really confused about their sexuality and isn't just gay. I'm not looking for another relationship, I just feel like there's a part of me that I don't understand and can't understand until I've had romantic experiences with a girl. My boyfriend is also the only person I've confided in with this information. I'm just really lost...wanting to experiment but also not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel like they're just a tool I can use to figure myself out. I don't want to be selfish and but I feel like anything I do with a girl would be.

[Sam W]

Hi helloeveryone,

You're certainly not the first bi person to worry that they need to have some experience, any experience, with a person of a certain gender in order to understand their orientation. I think a helpful starting point may be to ask yourself why you feel that way? What things do you feel having a sex with a girl would help you understand?

I think you're instinct that looking for a partner solely for the purpose of figuring yourself out could make that person feel pretty crummy is a sound one. There's definitely the potential for that to make the other person feel like they a box that's being checked, rather than a whole person.

[helloeveryone]

To your second point, yes exactly and no one deserves to feel that way and I don't want to make them feel like that. It's not having sex with a girl right now that's what I'm looking for. It's more of like dating and just being romantic like cuddling and things. I feel like almost certain that I also am romantically attracted to girls but I don't know what that really feels like in person besides just imagining myself with one.

[Sam W]

Ah, okay, thank you for that clarification!

Am I understanding right that part of what's making you feel like you need to experiment is that it feels like the way to confirm your sense of your sexual orientation? Or is it more that you're curious about what dating or being romantically involved with a girl would be like (or something else entirely)?

[helloeveryone]

i think it's both reasons you named. I just don't know how people experiment without hurting others.

[Sam W]

So, those are both super common reasons for these kinds of feelings. One thing that might help you is to reframe how you're thinking about things. For instance, you don't actually need to have romantic experience with a person (or people) of a certain gender to confirm your sexual orientation is what you feel it is. Sexual orientation is made up of many different components, not just your actions. Coming to understand your orientation via things like fantasies or crushes is just as valid as coming to understand it through dating. I can actually speak to this from personal experience; I've been monogamous with my partner, a man, for over a decade, and am unlikely to date in the future. My previous partners were all men. But, I figured out I was queer a few years ago, and I definitely have had moments of worrying that I could never be 100% sure of that label because I'd never dated (and probably never will date) anyone other than a man. What helped me in those moments was remembering that my attraction to other genders made itself very clear in other ways, like who I got crushes on.

With that curiosity about what dating a woman would be like, something to keep in mind is that an individuals personality is going to be a way bigger factor than their gender in a relationship. That's not to say that gender doesn't play a role in our relationships. But if you were to date a woman, what you'd be getting the clearest sense of is what it's like to date that particular woman, not women as a whole (because women, or any gender, is such a diverse group). Does that make sense?

[Gone.Sorry.]

Hi, helloeveryone. All of us who've questioned our identity understands exact what you're going through, because we've been there, too! Perhaps it would help you if you could meet up with other LGBTQ+ folk and talk with them? Hear about their journeys, how they questioned, connect with others who are questioning now?

Are you at school? Is there a GSA or similar club that has meetings you could go to?
How about a local PFLAG chapter in your area? My local PFLAG holds meetings every two weeks that anyone is open to go to.
Or can you find any other local queer orgs in your area that have meetings or seminars or anything along those lines?
How about meetup.com groups - any that catch your eye?

Our identity isn't so much about our experiences. It's about our feelings and desires. It's about what makes us comfortable. It's about what makes us feel like we can be ourselves. You don't have to pass some dating test to prove you're questioning or bisexual or biromantic or anything else. You're valid because you're feeling what you're feeling. So maybe just getting to share more about how you feel and hear the same from others could help you feel more at ease with the thoughts you're having? (I know you're sharing here, but sometimes the barrier of the screen can make things have less connection and seem less real than if you were having this conversation face to face, in real time.)

[Heather]

Great advice as usual, horriblegoose!

And on that note, there's also a cool mini-series here on the site that can get you started with some personal stories about questioning your orientation and trying to figure it all out: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexu ... rs_for_now

[helloeveryone]

Thank you all for being so helpful and understanding! I think I have a better idea what my sexuality means to me. I am in school so I'll definitely look into some student groups and events. I will admit that I'm a bit nervous to talk with other LGBTQ+ people since I've read and heard about people who are bi being kind of ostracized from both LGBTQ+ communities and everyday society. But I think it's worth a shot to get involved! Also I'll check out that mini series... thanks again for the advice!

[Amanda F]

Hi helloeveryone,

While there are some people out there who contribute to bisexual erasure, I'm sure there are many more good people in LGBTQ+ communities who would welcome you with open arms.

Next year you might be interested in observing or participating in Bi Visibility Week. This is a week every September to remind everyone that bisexuality is real and just as valid as every other sexual orientation.

There's also an article here that addresses many of the myths about bisexuality, which might set you at ease. Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz