Boyfriend and abandonment issues

[larajeancovey23]

I'm telling you I've done all the things you've suggested before...I literally just live my life like normal..just I guess with a few more scars if he leaves. And if someone else comes and the same thing happens, screw it, cause I swear I'm tired of trying to suppress everything in order to keep someone or be loved. And yeah being pretty isn't everything, but it sure kills your self esteem when you end up alone or left...all the time. Or being used..I don't know if you've ever been used for your body but it's not nice..at all. I just know I can't take another one..like no, I did not need another person to know me like that and leave with all that I have all over again..that's not a lesson or a transition..it just is another scar to me..

[Gone.Sorry.]

(The thing about doing things is that you can't just try them once. You have to keep working on them or yeah, they will not be effective, as you've discovered. For example, you mentioned that you don't do therapy unless you're in a crisis, and a couple of the staff shared with you their own experiences with therapy being more effective if you keep continuing it after you've managed the crisis because then you'll have better tools to manage your feelings and patterns in the future and not spiral so often and spiral less intensely when it does happen.)

But, okay!

Yeah..I want reassurance because I'm in so much pain.

Okay, great, you just want some reassurance from this thread. So, what exactly do you want to hear? What would be reassuring to hear? Can you tell me in your own words what it is you need to hear from us? I'm asking specifically what it is you need to hear because from my perspective, several folk have given reassurance and we still seem to be in the same place we started. So, pretend like you are one of us and speak to yourself. Say it like you mean it. Knowing what it is you need, what reassurance would you give yourself?

[larajeancovey23]

..I mean if I just go then there's nothing to talk about unless I feel like this. Plus I want to put my money towards other things so I can't go continuously. So yeah, I only go when I have a problem..because if I don't, wtf am I going to talk about? I just sit there..talking about random things that don't really matter that much, which I'm not going to pay just to sit there and talk about..nothing? I've pretty much come to a conclusion to just not care as much..or put my 100 percent in anything cause obviously others do not do the same..or try better to actually hide my anxiety and feelings from my partner..that seems best. I just shouldn't even tell them how I feel in the future, I'll just keep it to myself and do the same thing. Stop talking to them.

[Sam W]

So, I totally get the desire to feel like you're getting your moneys worth out of therapy. But, something to remember is that therapy, and the changes you hope to produce by going to it, takes time. Therapy isn't solely about triage; it's about building tools and frameworks that will help you in both your daily life and any future crisis. If your therapists in the past have supported you during a crisis but then been unable to find things to help you with and work on beyond that crisis, they maybe haven't been the best therapists. Part of working with a client is identifying areas where they could use help addressing the underlying causes of issues, or places where they need to do things to push back against unhelpful thought patterns. If you're still in contact with a previous therapist, you may want to make an appointment so you can talk both about how you're feeling around everything happening in your relationship, as well as ask them if they have ideas on what you could focus on during sessions besides immediate crisis management.

For instance, in your last answer and your conversation here, you tend to show a lot of "all or nothing" thinking. That instinct of "if I can't share every anxiety with a partner, then I won't share any of them" is an example of that. That feeling may come from a very real place, but it's also a common cognitive distortion (a way of thinking that's unhelpful). Part of why we've continued to suggest checking in with your therapist is that there are multiple thought patterns or ways of framing the world that you've shared with us that seem to be unhelpful (or actively hurting you). That's not a dig at you, or saying you're bad or wrong for having those thoughts or feelings. It's an observation based on what we're seeing and what we know has generally helped people in the past.

[larajeancovey23]

I mean..the only tools I have are..to suck it up and just live normal. Like you could give me tools but they just feel like forcing to me..I just need to feel. If I feel like I wanna die..then I feel like I wanna die. I'm not gonna try to convince myself that I don't. That's how I feel. I went to my therapist today..we talked about the relationship and I found out about stonewalling..

[Gone.Sorry.]

Therapy and the other suggestions we've been making are not about numbing or deadening yourself or not feeling your feelings. Utilizing these methods - even taking medication - you will still feel your feelings. You will just have better methods and techniques for processing these feelings. They are about recognizing unhealthy patterns so that you can develop healthy coping skills in order to feel more stable and grounded when reacting to things. They are about being able to better cope and deal with negative feelings so you don't end up in a two week spiral about not wanting to get over someone who's treating you poorly.

Did learning about stonewalling help you in any way?

And I'm going to repeat this question because I didn't see a direct answer to it last time: So would it be possible for you to take some time and evaluate what sort of resources exactly you're helping for here and communicate that clearly to us?
If this is confusing, here's some examples of what you could be specifically looking for (based on some things people have asked in other topics): knowledge about how to utilize therapy effectively, how to shop for a therapist that fits well with you, book recommendations on communication methods and how to achieve healthy communication on your end, etc.

[larajeancovey23]

um..I mean it made me feel like it wasn't my fault so I guess it kinda did, but I still felt bad. I've been treated poorly plenty..my only coping method is to feel like..shitty for a while and then yeah go back to normal everyday life..feeling nothing. I thought I communicated pretty healthily...no, I just needed help with my problem with my boyfriend..and I'm lonely af. I'm really actually extremely lonely.

[Sam W]

If you've found that your only coping mechanism is to feel bad for awhile and then nothing, then that's another thing you and your therapist can talk about and work on. It's true that sometimes the only thing to do is ride out a crummy feeling, but there are also other things to try, especially if you've noticed riding it out doesn't land you somewhere less crummy eventually.

I think we've covered the issue with your boyfriend the best we can. And, unfortunately, at a certain point you may need to take his prolonged silence/non-response as a sign that the relationship is over. It's been about ten days of not hearing from him, unless my math is wrong and you last message from him was more recent, and that long without any response is likely a message in and of itself. Which may suck, big time, but is also an outcome to start steeling yourself for.

With feeling lonely, are there hobbies or activities you enjoy that bring you into contact with other people? That's not going to necessarily fill the same need as a close relationship, but sometimes just interacting with people in positive, casual way can make a dent in how lonely you feel. Too, if you have friends close by, even just one or two, is there a way to meet up in person to hang out?

[larajeancovey23]

We hang out almost every day. But I mean at the end of the day I'm not talking to them about my day or anything..you don't understand what it's like to be emotionally abused cheated on and left..and then left over and over and then lied to repeatedly..this is why I'm scared at all to even try to be with someone..and there's no getting over it..I loved him..

[Alice M]

Hi again.

Here's the thing: You do not know what we (anyone really, but I'm talking about us right now) have experienced in our lives. I know for a fact that many of us, if not most/all, have been through serious trauma, loss, adversity, illness, heartbreak and more. Some of us (like me) have even shared some our stories here and/or written personal articles or blogs about it on the main site.

We need to set a limit on your statements of how we cannot understand what you're going through. Please do not do this again. Many of us really do understand, and while breakups are unbelievably painful sometimes -- it's also extremely common. I can't think of just about anyone I know personally who hasn't experienced heartbreak in some fashion. As we've noted, it's the human experience. Additionally, you are missing a serious opportunity here to really connect on this shared experience with some of us who remain open to sharing here, which is nothing to scoff at: it can be quite vulnerable for us, especially as many of us are using our real, searchable names. Your statements are coming across as shutting that down, which is a bummer for you.

That said: as Sam stated above, it sounds like we've processed this specific relationship issue with you as much as we possibly can. As you're aware, we've been talking about this for awhile and you have multiple pages of sound advice and thoughtful responses to look back through. Much our suggestions you resisted or argued with, so if you still feel lost, I encourage you to take a look through those again.

Is there anything else regarding this topic that you need to ask or share before we wrap this up?

[larajeancovey23]

...sorry, I don't know anyone else..who understands me so it may be common..but I feel alone. No.

[Sam W]

In that case, I want to second Alice's suggestion of going back through the conversation here and looking at the recommendations we've given you around this with a fresh set of eyes. I'd pay extra attention to the places where we've made suggestions about how to address loneliness or sadness; often in our conversation, you tended to take the examples we gave as the only possible actions to take, rather than as examples of actions, and then dismiss them for various reasons. For instance, Heather's examples of things to direct your focus too, or my examples of things you could think about as avenues for connection. The examples and advice we give here is based both on things we know from professional experience and, as Alice said, things from our own experiences. What I'd ask is that you go back through the advice and pick a few things to try, instead of dismissing it as something that can't possible apply to or work for you.

[larajeancovey23]

well I don't have to try them because I do them..like hanging out with friends and doing distractions..don't keep you from being lonely you're just distracted..

[Sam W]

At this point, then, there isn't really much more we can do in this conversation. As we've already said, we've covered the situation with your boyfriend as much as we can, and given you a lot of advice on how to address the difficult things you're feeling right now. It's up to you whether whether you want to try that advice or not, but at a certain point it's not productive for you, or for us, to continue going in circles where we recommend things and you dismiss them.

With that in mind, I'm going to go ahead and close this thread. You're welcome to make a new post at another time if you'd like help implementing the things we've suggested, or if there's another issue or question you have that's within our capacity to deal with, but I'm going to ask that if you do post here in the future, it not be about this specific issue with your boyfriend.