Bi-FWB problem

[Crystal_River]

I am happy this place is up and running. I need to talk and I need to know if I am okay.
I became friends with this girl, we became better friends, and curious friends, and BI friends. All of it fun and playful.
New years eve and we became very sexual friends. It wasn't planned out, it just happened. I was okay with it, but it was something I did not think would happen. But I noticed something new about her, for me I was nervous, for her she was happy and confident.
Next morning and she texted me, said she had a great time and hope I did as well. I texted back and stupidly asked if she had done that before, I was wanting a no answer, but she told me that she had been with two other girls. After that she said that I hope I was okay with that, and that I don't have to it again if I don't but she still wants to be friends.
My problem is that I thought this was new for the both of us. I thought we were both nervous and curious about doing something new. I thought it was a little fun secret between us friends, and that it was only us. We talked about everything, and we talked about boys and sex, but never about girls. I don't know if I should be hurting from this or not, I feel like she held back this secret, but I never thought that we would do this. But maybe she always looked at me as a FWB girl?
I still like her, but I don't know what I am doing right now. Sorta hoping that some other girls on here can tell me what you would think or do about this. I know this wasn't cheating, but I thought we were both doing something that neither of us had done.

[Amanda F]

Hi Crystal_River,

Welcome to the boards, and happy new year!

It sounds like you have some mixed feelings about what went on with your friend. First, I want to check in with you about how you felt about the sexual experience itself. You said you were "okay with it" - how are you feeling about the experience now?

Learning something unexpected about a partner/FWB can certainly make things confusing. It sounds like maybe you were hoping that she hadn't been with another girl before because that would make the experience the two of you shared more important or special. People have all kinds of experiences before we meet them, but that doesn't make our own experiences with them less special or important (or their experience with you!). Every person is different, and every experience between a pair of people together is going to be unique compared to either of those people with anyone else.

This advice column talks about first experiences, and I think it would be helpful. It's written through a lens of addressing insecurity/vulnerability, neither of which necessarily applies to you - but the content of the article might be useful. https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... insecurity

This one references male/female sex and virginity, but it's really about feelings and first experiences, so I think it applies to your situation. https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... meone_else

I wonder if talking to your friend and asking her how the experience was for her would feel. It might help you to ask for some reassurance that she enjoyed the experience as well and that it was meaningful to her, even though she had been with other girls before. Do you think that is something you might feel comfortable doing?

[Gone.Sorry.]

EDIT: Amanda F. beat me here and said basically everything I was going to, but I'll go ahead and add my post, too, since I think we talk about the same thing in slightly different ways. ^^;; But if you feel like you've got enough response on your plate responding to Amanda F., please feel free to disregard my post! <3

.

Hi, Crystal_River! I love your awesomeness quotient in your profile, btw. What a fantastic thing to know about yourself and be confident in!

Basic rule of thumb: you're allowed to feel your feelings. You don't need permission to feel upset or confused or however else you're feeling.

It sounds like you need some more time to process your feelings before you respond to this girl again. You don't have to decide right away if you want to keep being her friend or her friend with benefits. It's okay to take the time and space you need to think about what happened and what you want to do next.

The way you talk about having sex with her does send up some flags for me.
You mention several times that it wasn't planned and you didn't expect it. You say it's okay that it happened, but none of the language you use to describe it (see below for more examples of this) is very positive or happy. Did you not really want to have sex with her? Did you feel coerced or pressured into doing it? Did you feel like it was too soon? Did you want to talk about it more before it happened? Do you regret having sex with her now?
You mention that you were nervous and she was happy and confident. Were you not also happy? Curious? Excited? Before, during, or after? You never have to have sex if you aren't enthusiastic and willing to have it! I'm so sorry if you did feel pressured or like you weren't totally able to say no to this experience. </3
You talk about how you thought this was new and a secret and this is important to you. Why is this an important part of the hookup to you? (I also just want to offer another possible perspective here: it was new for her because she'd never had sex with you. And just because she's done it before doesn't mean that what happened between you two can't be/isn't a secret.)

Basically, take some more time to let yourself process what happened and how you're feeling about it. You don't have to make any decisions right away. And don't beat yourself up for having feelings.

[Crystal_River]

Horriblegoose, my quotient comes from my mom, but I am sure she found it online.
Amanda, I know that people have all kinds of experiences but she never said anything about being with another girl. We both talked about boys and past boyfriends, we both talked about some of what we did, but she never said that she was with other girls. I looked and still look at her as a friend, but now that I know more about her I just have this ugly feeling in me that she was always looking at me as girl #3. I was happy with the wonderful friendship, I would have been truly happy with that alone, but things happened. And I don't have a problem with most of things we did, but I wish she told me about the other girls so that I could think about it first.
Horriblegoose, for every question you gave my answer is I don't know. What we were doing was all playful dumb innocent girly fun, somewhat sexual sometimes but it was fun, and she had fun as well. And I have been friends with her since September, but we only did this BI stuff maybe only 6 times, it's not like it was all the time, and no she never pressured or coerced me, but maybe she did move it along sometimes. And New Years Eve was okay for me, but it just went beyond what I thought we would do. But I thought that it was the first time she ever did that to a girl, but when it happened I just felt a difference in our way of thinking because she was very willing and I was on the fence.
Good example is my first boyfriend, he and I were new at everything and we both were always scared, but my second boyfriend was not a virgin and was always ready to get going. BTW this is why I dumped my second boyfriend. For her she was always like my first boyfriend, but when she went down on me I just knew that it wasn't her first time.
And I know I make her sound bad but after she was done I told her that I was done and she was okay with that, no pressure. But yes I did feel ugly after, it was unexpected for me, but for her it was nothing new. I'm hurt because I felt like this was new for her and me. It just changed the way I looked at her.
Sorry for this long reply. I never even touched my lunch. And thanks for the fast replies.

[Mo]

I certainly can't speak to why this girl didn't talk to you about her experiences with other girls before you asked, but I don't think (unless she said this specifically) that means she withheld that information purposefully or meant anything bad by it. Some people are a little less comfortable talking about their same-gender sexual experiences, even with people who are the same orientation they are, and might not be as open about them without being asked directly. There could be some other specific reason, or it could also be that there wasn't really a reason at all and it never came up as something she thought she needed to share.
It sounds like you're feeling that because she's been sexual with other women before, it makes your experience together less special to her, or that she's looking at you as more of a numbered conquest than a person, but is any of that something she's said to you, or something you're feeling because she acted a certain way?

It sounds like it might be helpful to talk to her more directly about some of these feelings you're having, maybe ask how she's feeling about what you did together and the other times you've been intimate together. If you aren't sure how she sees you and your friendship, asking directly can be scary but it's also the way to know those answers for sure. I also think it might be good to make sure you're communicating more clearly about sexual intimacy before it happens, if you continue that intimacy at all; any time sex feels like it "just happens" to someone, that's a bit of a red flag to me. We have an article that I think may be helpful to take a look at, that talks about this in more detail: When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead).

[Crystal_River]

Thanks Mo for saying what you did. You are right, if she told me about being with girls I would have stayed back. And I did talk with her about this today and I am sure I/we will be okay. It's the shock of doing something that I never thought about that hurt me, but I will say the second time will be easier. Plus she is a pro at this stuff, how could I go wrong :~)
FYI the "just happened" section on zero to sixty is what happened to me. But we did go back down to zero after a few minutes, but i'll be more prepared for the next round :~)

[Sam W]

Hi Crystal_River,

I'm glad you two were able to talk about this, and that it sounds like the talk went well. In that talk, did you two also cover what your expectations, wants, and boundaries are in this relationship (even in casual or FWB situations, having those conversations is important)?