slightly confused

[sky]

Okay, I have a burning question for like 2 months now. I know you all have a lot to do so I won’t tie y’all up but like it’s bugging the crap out of me and I can’t continue to wonder anymore so I’m back again. Awhile ago I was talking to this girl and we were talking about having sex, you all helped me realize boundaries are okay and so I told her I am not okay with penetration. I hate that word but that’s the only word that I could think of at the time for like anything being inserted, including fingers.

I realize that’s like too much information and I’m sorry but I can’t talk to anyone else about this kinda stuff because they get mad at it being to personal. Anyways, she told me that there’s like no way to have good sex without and that there’s not much to do without it. I was and honestly still am so confused on how she said that? I realize that she had A LOT of experience in sex in general but especially in like lesbian sex.

I had stated I wasn’t wanting of that and she proceeded to say that she would start with one finger and see if I liked it even tho I said no. Something else happened to make us stop talking but I wasn’t going to have sex with her anyways because she didn’t respect me.

After all that, the question is, Should I allow that in order to have sex? To have like good sex? I don’t really even know what good sex is lol. I will be open to it one day in the way future but not with someone I’m not fully comfortable with. You get me? I have kinda felt bad sense then because I apparently won’t be any good without accepting it.

[al]

Hi sky,

I understand why it might feel like there's pressure to have insertive sex (using this instead of the p-word because you and many others don't like it) - the dominant narrative in heterocentric, phallus-centric culture focuses on insertive sex as the end-all-be-all of sexuality. But there are plenty of people in the world who can't have or don't want to be on the receiving end of insertive sex who can still have incredibly fulfilling and enjoyable partnered sex. And there are a million and one ways to have "good" sex that aren't about putting anything inside of you (this article has some suggestions if you're stumped!).

In terms of this girl, I'm glad that you were able to keep your distance, because it seemed like she wasn't taking your answer of "no" seriously. But regardless, no matter how much sexual experience she has (lesbian or otherwise), she doesn't get to define for you in terms of what kinds of sex are fulfilling, pleasurable, or key to a positive sexual experience. You're the person that gets to decide that, because you're only going to be able to speak to what your own body likes and doesn't like, what it does and doesn't want depending on how you're feeling. Does that make sense?

Do you feel like you've ever had "good sex" before, and if so, what made it good? What did you like about it? Was it the actual activities, or the way that your partner(s) communicated, or the environment you were in, or a combination of all three? Thinking about past experiences always helps me think about what I might want in the future - that may or may not be helpful to you.

[sky]

Okay Insertive is way better for me to say thank you. It makes me feel less dirty lol. I’ve never had sex in any form before. I just know that’s not something I’m comfortable with as of now, I have good solo sex like everyday and I don’t insert anything but I mean, that’s because I’m patient and know my own body and mind. I’ve tried before and it just like hurts and I don’t find it pleasurable. What you said makes sense and it makes me feel a lot better.

[al]

Hi sky,

I'm glad to hear it helped!
Even if you haven't had sex with someone else before, you still have a whole lot more information than someone who hasn't ever had solo sex before. You said it yourself - your body responds well to what you're doing because you're patient, and know your body and mind. That's something that can be replicated if/when a partner comes along; someone who is respectful, caring, and patient will listen to what you have to say. Anyone worth your time won't want to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, or even just unenthusiastic! And you've got the headstart in knowing already what some of those things are.
And down the line, if you feel like you want to try again with insertion, you can! But there's no reason to try to force yourself to try it or enjoy it - healthy sex has no obligations.