Today was a wild day

[Everglow]

today was the day of many firsts for me! Slowly but surely I am becoming better friends with a boy from school. And today we snuck around for a moment and we kissed a little and I let him put his hand up my shirt and I for the first time touched a penis but outside the clothing. And I'm overly happy excited and trying to calm down. And yes I told one of my best friends all about it. Whoops!
Jitters and butterflies and more Jitters. Where do we go from here? What do we do tomorrow? What Compass do I look at that will direct me down the right path? I feel like I should be speaking a sermon.

[Mo]

I think "where do we go from here?" is a great question to be asking right now; what I'd suggest is that before the two of you do anything else together, you take some time to talk about what you both do and don't want right now, and what you're comfortable with. Do you have a sense of what your desires and boundaries are when it comes to physical intimacy with this person? It sounds like you might be a little uncertain about what you should or want to do here; would you like to talk more about how you're feeling?

[Everglow]

I am not going to jump on and have sex if that's what you're asking :~)
I have always worried what my reaction would be when I ALLOWED a boy to do something with me. I have had a billion guys think that my butt and breasts should be okay for touching, and my worry was that I would be unwilling to do something with a boy when I had the choice.
Today was a good day for me, it happened and it was great! It wasn't expected but it was a nice unexpected. Everything was above the clothing but it was a first for me.
I don't know about my desires and boundaries. I would be okay with touching under the clothing with him, but I don't want to look easy either. I am sure if I told him he could finger me he would do it, but that is something far down the line.
But yes I am feeling good, but what comes next is what I am asking myself.

[Sam W]

Hi Everglow,

I'm glad you're getting to experience how fun and giddy consensual touching is compared to all the harassment you've dealt with before. When it comes to figuring out your desires and boundaries, tools like this article can be really helpful: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist.

Too, being comfortable with touching under clothing sooner rather than later doesn't mean you're "easy"; it just means that you're figured out what some of your desires are and feel comfortable exploring them with your partner. The idea of being easy is one of those things that's always a moving target of behaviors to follow, designed to keep women from taking control of their desires.

[Everglow]

lol, well my desire is on having more fun, but I still don't want easy painted on my forehead. I would want him to work for it instead of me giving it.

We got a movie date tomorrow. Plus I told my mom about SOME of him, and my mom is okay on letting me stay out with just him. Gotta be a little honest but not fully.

$20 says no guys around me will try and touch me :~)

[Gone.Sorry.]

Everglow - that's great that you're feeling so good and having fun! I hope you enjoy going to the movies with this boy! =) What movie are you going to see?

Some of the way you talk about sex sounds rather de-powering to you, though. For example, this idea that he has to work for "it" instead of you giving "it". This makes it sound like if he does x, y, and z steps, then he's earned and deserves "it" from you. Are you not involved in every step of the process? Do you not have to give consent for whatever activities you two partake in together? Do you not have a say in what you are comfortable with as much as he has a say in what he's comfortable with? Sex, foreplay, intimacy - none of these are one-sided tasks. They are - or should be - an ongoing conversation of boundaries, comfort, and respect between the two of you.
As well, you keep talking about not wanting to be "easy". I know you don't mean it - and likely don't even realize it - but "easy" regarding sex tends to have misogynistic connotations that shame women for their sexual independence and having sexual desires in general. What if a woman does have sex without knowing someone for long? Does that somehow make her lesser? Deserving of shame? Yes, our culture often treats the answers to these questions as "yes" - but that doesn't make this true or right to do so! Women deserve to have agency over their own bodies, and that includes being able to have sex with willing partners when they want to. Think about it - when you talk about being "easy", you're probably not really applying that to boys or men, like your boyfriend, right?

Certainly nobody here is trying to convince you to have sex! It's absolutely fine to not have sex! It's fine to not want to have sex! It's fine to want to have sex but want to wait to have sex! As long as you are getting to make decisions about your own body (and respecting other people's boundaries about their bodies), then that's great.

But I think we do also want you to know that it's also okay if you do want to have sex and if you do have sex. It doesn't make you lesser or "dirty" or "impure" or "easy". It just makes you a person who wanted to have sex and so had sex. Does that make sense?

If you're up for it, Impurity Culture: Surviving Virginity might be a good place to start with breaking down some of the potentially unhealthy things that you've subconsciously been learning about sex and your own self as a sexual being. =)

And if you're reading this after you went to the movies - how did your date go? Did you have fun (having fun is such a great goal! I really like that you said that!)?

[Everglow]

Thanks goose for everything that you just said. Sorry but i'm not going to call you horrible

And I can already see that this topic is turning into yet another strange thing! My mom would be coming after all of you if she knew who you were

Impurity culture could be a small bio for me. No sex before marriage. It is the pressure of trying not to be sexual. The pressure of keeping my virginity. I try and dress normal and not get any unwanted attention but I still get unwanted attention anyway, most of the time I hate it, sometimes I don't.
Friday for me was nice and I enjoyed the attention, but it is the worry of making him think that I am easy and willing or make him think that I have done something like this before and that I am "dirty" or "impure" or "easy."
I do wish we did something more on Friday. Not that much more but more. I stopped it because "easy" would be written all over me, that and some fear.

I read what you said a few times. I'll just see what happens and try and keep the "easy" part out of me head, maybe i'll make curiosity my big word instead. Maybe try something under the clothing? LOL!

And we are going to go see Knives Out. He has already seen it but I haven't. BTW it is 5am as I am typing this out because I can't sleep.

[Gone.Sorry.]

Haha, if it helps, my name comes from a game. I don't think of myself as horrible. The horrible is more of a tongue-in-cheek, funny kind of horrible. I appreciate your kindness, though! =)

It sounds like you don't really have a safe place other than here to talk about sexual health and your sexual desires. That's tough. It really makes it seem like sex is something shameful, doesn't it? I'm glad you've found ScarleTeen and been able to ask some questions and talk about your feelings. <3

I think curiosity is a great way to think about things! You can both explore your curiosity and enjoy making this boy curious about you. Curious sounds like a pretty healthy and exciting way to think about exploring you feelings.

Knives Out is an interesting choice! Not one I would have guessed. Did you enjoy it? I hope you get some sleep tonight!

[Amanda F]

I'll just see what happens and try and keep the "easy" part out of me head, maybe i'll make curiosity my big word instead. Maybe try something under the clothing? LOL!

Yes! Only you get to decide what you want to do, when to do it, and what speed is right (with your partner's consent, of course).

Slut-shaming (i.e. shaming people for wanting sex, in any amount) is a pervasive part of our culture, but you don't have to participate in that - you can be bold and proud of your sexuality, and of seeking out things you want to experience!