Sexual harassment from a professor

[thewrit3r]

I’m graduating from university this semester and I recently found out last year that one of the professors in my department has been sexually harassing female students. From what I’ve heard (I’ve never had class with him), a student complained about him a few years ago to the department chair, they did an investigation, and they sent him to “sensitivity training” but he’s still teaching and preying on female students.

Some of my friends have class with him this semester. They said he’s making comments about how sexy students are and a whole bunch of other inappropriate comments. I really wanted my friends to talk to someone about him but they’re hesitating to when I bought it up. This professor has been investigated before and nothing came out of it, and he also has tenure so I think they don’t think anything will be done about it.

It’s so frustrating to me. I want to scream and just yell about this guy but I can’t bring it to anyone because I don’t have proof. And it’s not fair to keep asking my friends to do that. I’m frustrated but I’ve never experienced him and I know this is a sensitive topic so it would be wrong and disrespectful for me to keep pushing for something to be done when they’re clearly not comfortable with that. I need to respect that.

I’m still mad, though. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could do something about this! I want to bring it to the news but I know I can’t if I don’t have evidence myself (which I don’t). And I don’t want to keep bothering other people about it - I actually feel really bad about that and I’m realizing now how that so wasn’t cool of me to do

This is long but I really want to know what I can do for ME. I know I’m the only one who can help myself but I don’t know how to. Thankfully I’m not in this man’s presence so I don’t think about it everyday, but sometimes I hear my friends talk about him and I just can’t deal with it anymore.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I think it’s so nice you are supporting and wanting to protect these students. It’s really disgusting to hear this man, especially being in an authority position has been harassing students. At my school what we’ve done to get attention shown to one of the students (so a little different than a professor) is make a big deal out of it, post it, tell everyone, tell people outside of school and tell adults in your life (even though you are one, it doesn’t make sense to go tell a kid is what I mean). Draw attention to his actions though. Even if you don’t have proof. Support your friends with what they may be dealing with, and tell them no matter what happens you support them and that you will be there if they choose to make a report/tell someone. With time I’ve found and people finding out that he’s doing it to more people, always brings a sense of urgency so maybe try talking to others and see their POV on these things, being people together.
This is just what we were able to do in my situation but I hope it helps at least a little, it is extremely frustrating I feel that.

[Heather]

Hey there, thewrit3r.

I want to talk about what you can do for yourself, since you asked.

For one, you can set some limits and boundaries you need. It sounds like you are not feeling able to keep being the repository for this information, especially when you're also being asked not to do anything with it. I think that's very fair, and I want to make sure you know you do not have to be. We aren't always the right person for something like this, and even when we are, we can't always keep being the right person. We're only human, after all. So, one thing you might want to do for yourself that I think may also scratch your itch to be proactive is to research and make a list of who people CAN report this to: local counselors and crisis care spaces, for instance, legal aid, and resources in the university itself.

You also can simply let people know who start talking to you about it that you believe them, and you support them, but that you've been finding it very difficult to hold all of this information from people without being able to do anything about it, so you need to ask them to please not talk with you about it. There's nothing wrong with having and setting that kind of limit.

I do think you also have the right to report what you have heard to your administration while not disclosing your sources.

You also have the right to talk about how this is making you feel. We can talk with you about it more here if you'd like, but you can also seek out other places to do that, too. It can be really stressful and painful to hold a lot of injustice like this: you don't have to directly experience it to have a hard time with that. <3

[thewrit3r]

Hi, 0pt1m15t1c and Heather,

I’ve thought about that. My major is actually writing and I’ve written op-eds for school before. I’ve never dealt with this before and am still processing it so I’m not quite comfortable writing about it just yet. I think I need more time to digest it and talk confidentially with some people I trust to get to that place. It is definitely something I see myself doing, though. There’s a lot of power in the written word.

I remember talking about boundaries on the last thread I started but I didn’t think of applying it to this situation. I feel like an ass for telling people who have actually experienced harassment to not talk about it - people need to vent and release their anxieties and they shouldn’t have to keep it from themselves - but you are right that it is stressing me out. I don’t think I can be a good person to hear this information at the time. I can’t help them because I feel so overwhelmed by it myself, which I don’t quite get since I haven’t directly experienced it - it probably has to do with the fact that I am very close to many of the people being affected and I know how often sexual harassment happens to women (and as a woman of color I know the rates are even higher and generally feel like I could be a vulnerable target).

How would I go about bringing an investigation to these accusations if I haven’t experienced them myself? I feel like telling someone I heard it from someone else wouldn’t hold enough weight for an investigation to happen. Even when people do have evidence though I’ve seen it overlooked so many times and hearing from social media it sounds like most places do an awful job of actually helping people who have experienced sexual harassment and letting the abuser get away with it. I’m afraid no one will believe me and nothing will be done and I think that upsets me the most - that people like my professor are often allowed to get away with their behavior.

I feel like, like with the other student who reported him in the past and nothing happened, if nothing comes out of this I will be extremely frustrated and disillusioned and I’m not sure how to move on from that.

There is an office on campus that deals with interpersonal violence but I think that includes any sexual misconduct (though that may be the Title XI resource; I’ll have to look into it). I felt strange going since I’m not directly affected I felt like I didn’t need to use the resource. But, as you pointed out, it is bothering me so clearly it is affecting me. The people I’ve met who work at that office are pretty awesome so that’s something I’ll do for myself this week

[Gone.Sorry.]

Hey, thewrit3r, that's really tough and frustrating to be going through!

Unfortunately, that's not a totally uncommon experience in academia. If you feel up to it, I think the idea of setting a boundary with these people and letting them know, "I'm so sorry, what you're experiencing isn't right or okay, but I'm not available to talk about this or help process it. However, here is a list of people you can officially report this inappropriate behavior to. I can't imagine how hard it is to go report it, but the more people report it, the more seriously the school will have to take these accusations and the better chance we'll have at ending this behavior." (Also while the reports people submit now may not result in the direct action that's needed, they will set a precedent that could really, really help any future cases that are brought forward against him. And yes, the Title IX office is a good place to start for reporting sexual misconduct.) If you're really, really up to it, you could also offer to go with them when they go to make a report for moral support.

However, it's also absolutely okay if you're not able to offer these things either. It's a really hard lesson to learn that setting boundaries doesn't make you an asshole when you've been told all your life that you have to be available all the time for anything, but setting boundaries doesn't make you an ass because setting boundaries isn't about punishing or hurting other people. It may help to remember that setting boundaries is about protecting and managing your own safety and/or mental health. It's not worth running yourself into the ground and towards a breakdown so that someone else can vent. If it helps, remember that setting a boundary for yourself does not cut these people off from all of their resources. "I can't help you process this" =/= "You can never talk about this ever, shut up". They have multiple other options (other friends/family/affected folks who have the spoons/capacity to currently handle it, counseling, journaling, reporting it, etc.) to talk about/process/cope with the harassment they're experiencing. Boundaries are about you. They are actually really good and healthy to have and to uphold!

[Heather]

I want to add on to what horriblegoose has said here about how us all having limits doesn't make us assholes (I'm very much abbreviating what they said, obviously!).

We just can't be there for everyone who might want us to be, and we just can't take in everyone's trauma. I also think it's fair to say that the expectation people will do that is weighted very much on women -- that women as well as nonbinary people will do that -- and even more so on BIPOC women. I think it's all too easy to internalize that, too, and really believe that we're being bad people if we can't or won't be there to hold trauma and emotional space for everyone who comes to us with it.

But I think it's vital to remember that not only can we usually NOT do that -- we just lack the capacity -- and that it isn't healthy for us to try, but we also aren't doing the people who want us to hold their stuff any favors by doing so when we know we lack the capacity or know it isn't good for us.

What we ca* do -- and this is some of what I was suggesting with that resource list -- is be there for people to the degree that we really can be while still taking care of ourselves, but also only to the degree we want to be. I really don't think anyone benefits b y unloading unto someone who doesn't want to be unloaded on, IMHO. But if we still want to help, and we feel able to do this, we can refer people to those who they CAN look to for this and who we know for sure (or are pretty sure, at least) DO have the capacity, like therapists, counselors and advocacy organizations. Referring someone to people more capable and qualified than we can be isn't us being bad people, it's actually often ideal, including because those people will often have resources and training you don't. They also will likely know answers to a lot of the questions you're asking.

Per reporting, I don't think that you can pursue charges or make an investigation happen. But who knows, maybe you can. At the very least, though, you can provide information that can potentially be used to back up the next direct victim who *does* report, and that can be really, really helpful. That can help make an investigation happen.

There's a whole other conversation to be had about the fact that we absolutely still very much live in a culture where people -- and most typically white cishet men -- do very much often get away with all kinds of abuse, and that living with constant knowledge of that injustice is really, really difficult and painful. I'm happy to have it with you and others, if you like. I certainly understand how you're feeling. <3

[thewrit3r]

You’re right. Honestly if the situation was reversed and my friend was worried about being an “asshole” for not being able to handle hearing about this, I’d tell them that they’re not an asshole and that it’s healthy to put up boundaries to protect your mental health. I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself. I’m trying to do better but it’s still a work in progress. But the whole “would you say that to a friend?” thought helps put things into perspective. Sometimes if I think of myself as a friend or another person it helps gain some distance on my feelings and realize that what I’m feeling is absolutely valid and I don’t need to be so hard on myself.

If any of my classmates bring up this professor again I’ll definitely bring up the resources I know on campus. I think our interpersonal violence office has drop in hours (and a 24/7 hotline) so I’m going to stop by at some point this week (or next week if I can’t make it). I really was hoping I’d never have to go there but unfortunately with the rate of harassment/assault on college campuses I guess I should’ve figured I’d deal with it one way or another

How do you deal with people getting away with awful things? I know the law exists but privileged people get away with so much. It’s so frustrating. I know a lot of things in life isn’t fair but that’s not just unfair, it’s plain wrong. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that because of someone’s gender and skin tone (among other factors) they are treated with more leniency than other people. We can’t help how we’re born. So it’s almost like some people are born “lucky” and I just don’t understand that :/

[Heather]

I'm really glad to hear some of the things you're saying in that first paragraph.

As far as the last one goes...well, sometimes I don't. I mean, sometimes I can't really deal with it: all I can do is feel how I feel about all of this injustice and inequity and let those feelings exist. I don't often expect them to exactly go away because of how constant and pervasive it all is and how I feel about that. Often I just sit with those feelings and let myself really feel them and go all the way through feeling them, if you know what I mean.

You're right, it can feel like some people are born to live charmed lives while the rest of us seem destined to suffer. (I'm Buddhist, so I also have some thoughts about that that are about my spiritual belief system, but I try and mostly stay secular here.)

But by and large I just try and do what I can to both shine light on injustices and then do what I can to try and both level them out and change things. I'm someone who feels better about things that are wrong when I am taking what action I can to right them. That doesn't take away my upset, but it does give me a positive way to use that energy that might help create change, you know?

[Gone.Sorry.]

How do you deal with people getting away with awful things?

Honestly? I give myself a day or so to vent in spaces where it's okay to do so, then usually just have to compartmentalize, distract, and keep moving. If I dwell, it's definitely easy to spiral. I can acknowledge. I can know. I can educate myself. I can work for better. But I can't be passive about it or just dwell on it. Sometimes you just gotta look up stories of when we do see justice and remember that good things can happen and progress can be made.

That and I work on putting some good out in the world to balance things and to keep myself positive.

[thewrit3r]

I do remember learning that in therapy about mindfulness practices and letting your thoughts sit with you without judgement. I do find ranting helps. I used to journal in the morning to get my thoughts out, but I suppose it could help to just have a journal with me whenever I need to vent.

I didn’t want to acknowledge this about myself because it would be so much easier to just not do anything, but I am the type of person where I have to do something or I’ll just get restless. I feel like that makes me annoying to some people but again I wouldn’t say that to a friend so why am I saying it to myself? I actually like that about myself and it’s not going to change so I may as well embrace it and channel that energy in a positive way

I really appreciate everything you all have said. I’ve probably said this a thousand times but I really do love everything you all do here at Scarleteen. It’s so nice to have a community that’s so inclusive and understands what I’m going through<3

[Heather]

I'm so glad you feel that way about it here. That's always what we hope to offer. <3