update on my post-abortion

[Justyne]

Decided on starting a new topic now that my abortion is over with. I still check in with Planned Parenthood on the 27th but otherwise I am done with it.

And if anybody wants to see the topic on my pre-abortion just search "Abortion Appointment On Saturday" in the Ask Us section.

It's been 5 days now. Not doing all that good but I am managing. I see pregnant women all over the place right now, it's like they never existed and yet now it's HERE WE ARE!
Did go to the movies yesterday with a couple of guy friends, and by accident I had one of them on my left and one of them on my right. I am comfortable with them but I kept on wondering if maybe they could tell that something was up with me. Both of them are single. I think if I didn't have an abortion I would have gone out with one of them (or maybe both). But right now I am not 100% myself just yet, I am maybe 80%, and I want to work on myself first.

No college right now, and that is a good thing. I also have a nice break from working with the kids at the day-care until the 30th. The day-car job is volunteer, I could just walk away, but I know a few of the kids would be asking why I left and would be heartbroken.

I could be talking with my Auntie on Saturday about all of this. I would like to tell a family member and get some weight off my shoulders and have somebody watch over me for Christmas in the off chance that I have some problems. I will be seeing around 10 kids on Christmas day and I know I will see a 6-month old baby, and maybe my Auntie could keep an eye on me?

But anyway, I know I made the right decision, but it's kind of taking a toll on me right now. I should be 10 weeks pregnant today, and I have been looking at myself in the mirror wondering what I would have looked like at 10 weeks.

Any advice on how I should talk with my Auntie? She is 40 years old, married, 3 children ages 10, 13, and either 15 or 16.

Thanks again for the help! I am proud of myself for doing this, but it will take some time before I am myself again.

[Heather]

It's good to see you and hear from you, Justyne. <3

In case you want to know, at 10 weeks, you would have looked just like you do now. People generally don't look any different until at least the second trimester. 10 weeks is still very early in a pregnancy. If you want to talk about why you feel like how you would have looked is something that's relevant or loaded for you, we can certainly talk about that.

You should be in the clear physical health-wise by now: if you were to have had complications, they probably would have happened already. But if you want some emotional support, is your Auntie someone you feel you can get that from with this? By all means, too, don't forget that more people who already have children have had abortions than those who have never had children, statistically. So, for all you know, your aunt is also someone who has had an abortion.

[Justyne]

I know January 9th will be a hard day for me because that would be the 13 week pregnancy mark. I'm happy that I'm no longer pregnant but at the same time I wish I still was.
My auntie is very pro-choice, I know this just because of little group conversations that I've had with her over the years. My mom would always give her sister a dreaded look anytime my auntie talked about women and choice. And I know my auntie would never tell my mother anything about any of this. My auntie already knows a couple things about me that my mom has no clue about, unless my mom knows about it and I don't know about it.
And I can't picture my auntie having an abortion at all. But how would I know? I had an abortion 5 days ago and my mom and dad still look at me as a perfect angel.

[Heather]

I understand holding two seemingly opposed feelings about this at the same time, for sure.

Your aunt sounds like a right person for you to ask for support with this. You were asking how to bring it up with her. How did you bring up other confidences you've shared?

[Gone.Sorry.]

Hi, Justyne!

I'm so glad you were able to access the healthcare you needed and that you're doing relatively well. Something like this can feel like a pretty big secret - I can understand why you really want to tell someone supportive in your life.

For talking with your Aunt, I suggest you do so in whatever way makes things most comfortable/easy for you! For example, when I've had news that I'm really nervous of people's reactions when I share, I like to 1) have something to do with my hands, 2) have something on hand to help me not ramble, and 3) be around something comforting. I love chips and salsa, it makes me happy to eat, it gives me something to do with my hands, and it gives my mouth something to keep it busy if I feel like I'm just getting repetitive and such. So, when I came out to my mom, I pulled out the chips and salsa, told her I needed to talk, then said my piece. Being able to focus on my snack also gave me a way to help ground myself while I waited for her to react. If there's something you can take with you (like a small stuffed animal or a worry stone or a favorite necklace of whatever else) or a comfort food you might be able to have on hand that would help you focus any nervousness you have and work past it, I suggest doing that!

I hope all goes well with your Aunt and that you start feeling more like yourself. <3

[Justyne]

Today is January 9, I would have been 13 weeks pregnant today. Mixed emotions still, not sure if I made a good decision or bad decision but I know it was the right decision for me.

I did talk with my Auntie. Had a real personal one on one conversation with her. My demeanor told her I wasn't good and the first thing she asked me if I was pregnant, I didn't say anything and right after that she asked if I had an abortion. We talked for about 2 hours, and we covered everything that I wanted to talk about. She told me that she had 2 abortions, one after her first child and one after her third. I was surprised about it but I also wasn't surprised. Her husband knows about them and a few friends know, and now I know. We also both agreed that my mom should never know about what I did, my mom also knows nothing about what my Auntie did.

I had sex a few days ago with the guy who got me pregnant. First time I had sex since the procedure, it was an awkward moment for me and he could see a difference in me. Him giving me oral was scary as I thought that maybe he could see something different, even though I knew he couldn't, but I had my mind on it. After we were done he asked me what the problem was and I told him some story that was true but wasn't the real issue. I don't think I will ever tell him the truth, I don't want him ever looking at me differently even if he does agree with what I did.

College is okay. It's nice having my mind on other stuff. And volunteering with the kids is okay, but I sometimes have a problem with looking at them and wondering what if. Of course sometimes I am happy I am not having a kid either.

I have a question for either Heather or Alice. It is something that has been on my mind but I am afraid of looking for information online. I was told years ago that during an abortion a machine is turned on and you can hear sounds of a vacuum, and I think I heard this story when I was maybe 12 years old at a pro-life rally or something but didn't know what the event really was (my mom took me to this btw). During my procedure I never did hear a machine turn on or hear a vacuum turn on, but at one point the doctor told me I would hear a suction sound and seconds later I did hear it. What was that sound? The only picture I have in my mind is that she was checking a hose connection and making sure that suction was occurring? Maybe the machine is in another part of the building? My confusion is that I knew when the abortion was happening because I could sometimes feel pulling, but during those times I never could hear any sounds. How did they do it? How do they know when everything is removed?

My other question is what do they do with the contents? I just have to know. I have heard on the news that they have graves for unborn fetuses but is that true or is it just something certain groups want to do? Does the government allow such a thing?

A couple weeks after the procedure I did get a mirror and look around and check things out. Everything looks normal. It's like nothing happened and yet I know something happened but nobody would know it happened unless I told them it happened. I was pregnant for 9 weeks, but no sign of anything exists. It's wonderful knowing that I can go on with life knowing that nobody can ever judge me for this, nothing about my body shows anybody that I did anything. The fun part about this is that I now look at women wondering who keeps a secret like me, lol!

Thanks again for helping me out on this. It has been tough, but I feel better and stronger for it.

[Heather]

Hey, Justyne, it's good to hear from you. Just FYI, I'm pretty AWOL from the boards right now (having to focus on other work, but also have been in a week-long family emergency(, so asking for me like you just did here is the way to go if you want to talk to me specifically for a bit.

I'm glad you talked to your aunt, and am not surprised that, like a majority of women, she's had experience with abortion. I'm so glad you two could connect that way, it's so powerful and so helpful. I do think you get to tell or not tell whoever you want about it, very much including your sexual partner. I would, personally, maybe have a think about if the best sexual partner for you is someone you can't be honest with -- IMHO, if you don't feel you can be, I'd suggest reconsidering, or at least considering seeking out sexual partners you feel able to be very honest with about anything and everything related to your sexual life in the future -- but you get to choose not to share anything about this with him. Just wanted to validate you there.

In terms of where the products of conception wind up, they usually go out as/with medical waste, waste from any kind of medical procedure that is carefully collected and then typically incinerated, all in the interest of everyone's health. If you want to think about it as cremation, that's sound, because it happens the same way.

Per the vacuum, it's not a giant machine or anything, and so you can't usually hear it past a hum and also can't always hear the sound of the suction. The suction/vacuum is what is used to empty the contents of the uterus -- that is that pulling feeling you felt -- and they usually know that that has been completed by using an ultrasound to check and be sure. Follow-up visits further verify this. It's not a loud sound, though, and it does sound like what you were expecting was based on a fiction or misunderstanding. Does that clear that up for you? <3

[Justyne]

Hey, Heather, welcome back to the boards, even if it is just temporary.
My Aunt and I have become closer through all of this. She checks up on me every day now. Soon I will be sick of her.
My sexual partner is just a good friend. We have both had other relationships, but never have we cheated on anybody. He is a long-haul truck driver and I only see him a few times a year now. I could tell him what happened but I don't want to destroy him in any way.
And I did have a check-up at Planned Parenthood on the 27th and I was given an all clear.
And as for the vacuum what is it that they use? How do they create suction? I just have to understand how this did it for some reason. Maybe I should have asked if I could look.

[Sam W]

Hi Justyne,

Heather and Alice may not be in for a bit, but I wanted to let you know that this had been seen and that I'll leave a note for them about it (of course, if you're okay with other people answering we can do that too, but I wanted to be respectful of the rapport you three have developed).

[Heather]

I'm glad it all went well and health-wise, you're now completely on the other side of it.

The machine is called a vacuum aspirator, and it usually looks something like this https://bit.ly/2FIC8wd: or this: https://bit.ly/2NjpCr0 If you're curious, "MVA" is a term for manual vacuum aspiration, a way of doing surgical abortion before or without those machines, with a handheld aspirator that usually looks like this: https://bit.ly/2TfbhzD

They both work -- handheld or electrical -- like any other kind of suction device does.

This page has more details if you want them, and the second video on that page does a good job of showing (with models, not actual bodies) how this kind of abortion works, showing a manual aspirator: https://apps.carleton.edu/student/orgs/ ... surgabort/ It's basically the same with an electrical aspirator, the clinician just doesn't have to make the suction happen manually.

It is very clear and explicit, even though it's not happening on a real person, so you'll decide if you're comfortable watching a surgical education video. Not everyone can (if I ever wanted to get my partner to clear a room without having to ask, all I'd need to do is turn on Grey's Anatomy).

I think you get to tell this partner or not, I just want to repeat that. But I also think that you choosing to terminate a pregnancy shouldn't destroy him, and also probably wouldn't. I'm not saying you should tell him: you're clear you don't want to and it also sounds clearly like you don't think he could handle it. Rather, I personally would vote for only picking to be sexual with people who wouldn't be that way, or who you didn't have to worry might be.

If it helps to have an anecdotal example about how to do that, for much of my life, when I have had sexual partners where pregnancy is possible, I've usually told them that they should know that if I were to get pregnant, I'd a) be needing to make my own choice with that, and would need to be considered entirely sovereign in that regard, and b) that they should know and be okay with the fact that I'd most likely terminate the pregnancy. Even just seeing how someone reacts to that before I heard what they had to say often told me all I needed to know: anyone who didn't like that, couldn't deal with that, or just seemed super-uncomfortable? Not the best people for me to be sexual with. Our sexual relationships and the things that happen in them just tend to go a lot better -- I say this from personal experience as well as from what I observe at this job -- when we're all on the same page about this stuff, or at least awfully close to it. Know what I mean?

[Justyne]

Sam W, I think I am done with my questions, but feel free on answering anything else that jumps on my brain.

Heather, thanks for the video. I did watch it in private, and it's tough to watch, but it's also fascinating how a little plastic device can do so much. I had no idea that abortion could be that simple.

Call me insane but now I am thinking of switching my job outlook and becoming a nurse instead. Maybe work at an abortion clinic?

BTW I am in the process of looking for a new partner and I will definitely go with your A and B outlook that you have listed, especially now that I have had one done.

[Heather]

It is amazing how uncomplicated a procedure it is (when it's early, and there aren't complicating factors: it's not the same procedure later on, and, of course, sometimes there are some other factors that make it more complicated), I agree!

Honestly, working in an abortion clinic was some of the most satisfying work I have ever done in my life. I say, all the time, that I will probably always jump at the chance to do it again should it come my way, but in the meantime, I'm still always doing what I can to work in it in the ways I can.

So, if you ask me? yes, that's work I suggest everyone seriously consider: both because of the need for people in it, and good people in it, but also because in my experience -- and that of many other abortion workers I've heard from or read in my life -- it really is an incredible field to work in. There are downsides, of course, serious risks to your privacy and safety very much two of them, but there are also a lot of upsides.

Glad to hear that about the partners moving forward. <3

[Justyne]

Hello Heather and friends and anybody else who is reading this down the road,
it's been 7 weeks 1 day since my termination. If I didn't have one I would be 16 weeks 3 days pregnant right now. And looking at pictures online of women who are 16 weeks pregnant I can tell you that I am very grateful I am not one of them. Originally thinking about having a termination was a tough decision, and yet I knew it was the right decision for me. Now that it has been 7 weeks I know deep down that it was the perfect decision and I am grateful that I made that choice.
I did get my first period yesterday since the termination. Right now I have some swollen breasts, very abnormal for me. I also had some stomach cramps that hit me pretty hard yesterday. From what I read online this is all normal as my body is still experiencing pregnancy hormones.
College is going great for me. Absolutely zero problems.
Volunteering with the children was very bizarre for the first few weeks but now I am okay with helping them out. I wasn't sure what my reaction would be with being around children but I have had no issues, and if anything I enjoy being around children more often.
The BIG news is that I started seeing a new partner two weeks ago. And last week (with Heather's advice) I slowly arrived on the topic of abortion with him, mostly asking what his belief was on the woman's right to choose. His answer was that a woman should be able to make any choice she wishes. And I did tell him that if I ended up pregnant that I would likely choose abortion and likely not ask for his advice, and he was okay that, but he did prefer that I at least be truthful with him if such a thing did happen. Good news for sure! And it wasn't an easy topic to talk about, but it's nice knowing that I don't have to worry or hold some ugly secret again.
As for the father of this pregnancy I still have not told him and now that it has been 7 weeks I don't intend on telling him at all.
And my mom still does not know, and I plan on keeping it that way.
But all in all everything is going great for me! Always will be grateful that I made the choice that I did. And I will have children of my own eventually, but only when I am ready.

[Gone.Sorry.]

I'm glad things are going well for you! =)

[Heather]

Justyne, it's so great to see you and to see how well you're doing. Thanks so much for getting us caught up with you.

I am especially SO glad you were able to have that conversation with your new partner. Did it feel liberating? I hope so. I also hope that putting your cards on the table like this and making clear what people just need to be on board with -- without you having to capitulate to them -- if they're going to be a right partner for you can become something you feel more and more capable of doing and more and more like it's simply your right. Because it is! <3