I just feel so broken..Am I?

[0PT1M15T1C]

Thank you so much for all the support, to everyone.

[Gone.Sorry.]

I missed a bit, didn't I!

It looks like all your questions are pretty well covered, so I just wanted to say that I'm so glad my suggestion could help you and that you felt grounded and in control of your body! That's amazing! I'm so sorry you kept getting interrupted, though, lol. I'm also glad you felt up to opening up to your therapist and that she was able to help!

I understand you on having trouble categorizing your experiences with terminology. I'm still conflicted about doing that myself. I often use terms when talking about it online that do make me feel like a faker just because it's easier to communicate with others if I do use the terms, but I also know that my confliction stems from years of gaslighting and rape culture in general which tries to deny survivor experiences and force us to prove a certain, undefined degree of "badness" in order for our experiences to actually be valid. It's a real struggle. Don't worry if this takes you time. I think there are honestly more important aspects of processing and coping and recovering than being able to apply specific terms to our circumstances. What we've gone through is so much bigger than the single word we use to boil it down to. If we're doing the work of processing and progressing, even if we still can't name it, well, we're still making progress and moving forward. <3

[0PT1M15T1C]

I definitely agree with the fact that there is a lot of gaslighting and that it involves that undefined degree of how you put it "badness". It's definitely not an easy thing for me to be doing but I realised it's something even my best friend struggles to define for herself even though to me, it might seem simple to define it. There's so much concern of "well it could have been worse" or even the parts of not remembering, the fact that every situation really is different makes it hard to use one word just to describe all of that complicated mess. I also really get almost having to use those words just to be heard, if not I notice when I talk about what happened, there's so many questions raised about me and my experience than if I just use those words to describe it.
Working on healing and being kind to myself will definitely be my first priority for all of this though. (As well as keeping safe but honestly, that's nothing new)
I am going to stop posting here until I feel there is a really good place for an update
<3

[Mo]

We'll be here whenever you want to give an update or say hello! I wish you the best in healing and taking care of yourself. We're cheering you on over here!

[0PT1M15T1C]

So right now might not be a terrible time for an update even if it doesn't necessarily pertain to sex/sexuality..

Things lately have taken a pretty drastic turn for the worse mental health wise with everything going on, after a while of having a break from my stalker, they came back to school and so very suddenly it began again, and it caught me really quite off guard. My nightmares have been bad and my sleep has been even worse so I decided I was going to get coffee and of course, they decided to tag along, and waited watching us (my friends and I) from a bit of a distance. She had previously gotten on the train in which my friend was on and was continuing to look at my friend so my friend took a photo real quick and this person happened to notice so they ran and acted as if they were super scared and pulled out their phone and took one of my friend. I was talking to the constable about my project and playing around with the therapy dog and the constable's daughter happened to be there and noticed this person walk by and told me that "pinkilicious" as we now call her walked by glaring, focused on me.

That all just hit me really hard and I was so ready for there to be more threats but none came in which had me thinking that the person sending them was going to find me..

I was already at a pretty low point but I guess my mental health just took a turn to where I started feeling suicidal and I made the decision to tell my mom, who told my dad (well he also got home and sat down for the last bit of the conversation). So after she lectured me and said some really quite hurtful things about me, we were able to come up with a course of action, she's calling the school, I'm calling my therapist, and my dad is taking me to a walk-in mental health clinic that I've been to once before (don't get suspended twice in one week, not fun and trust me, parents don't really like you much afterwards). So far, I'm planning to be 100% honest with the person I see and that could possibly result in hospitalisation which I'm honestly okay with at this point, if that's what I need, then that's what I need.

Still, being honest with them is a lot, especially if I'm truthful about self harm which is another subject I've been dealing with for a long time but my parents don't know about. The last time they found out was about 2 years ago and they reacted by forcing me to roll up my sleeves and did "wrist checks", searched my phone, my room, and I lost all trust I had with them, they'd hardly talk to me.. I still want to try my best to be open with them, and again, be honest, they can't help me if I'm not. Especially since these thoughts are proven treatable, and manageable.

Honestly haven't even thought about trying to do some of the things I wanted to do that I talked about earlier in the thread until coming here today.

So there's a lot going on at the moment, but I'm doing my best. Hopefully I'll get the help I need to deal with all of this a little better. With all of this being said, I want to say that I am not unsafe when I decided to make this post, in any way, I waited to do so until I was doing a little better, which I have been. I still think it's important to see someone so I will. I still have hope this will get better, even though it did get quite difficult.

[Sam W]

Hi 0PT1M15T1C,

It's really sound and brave of you to have opened up and asked for the help you needed around those feelings of self-harm. You absolutely right that working with trained professionals is a way to manage these feelings and keep yourself safe, and hopefully the people at the clinic are a good match for your needs.

I am, however, so sorry that your mom chose to say hurtful things to you when you opened up to her about those. When someone we love is telling us they're in a vulnerable spot, that is really, really not the time to lecture them or say cruel things (I'd argue there isn't really any time that's the time to say cruel things). You've mentioned this behavior from her before; is her default way of communicating with you very critical and mean? Or does it mostly seem to arise when you've done something that "upsets" her or that she disagrees with? And is your dad the same way in terms of how he interacts with you?

It's totally understandable, by the way, that the stalker turning back up in your life would bring up scary and tough feelings for you. It sounds like you're still working with law enforcement to keep yourself safe, so hopefully that gives you some means of keeping that person away (you could also talk to them about what your friends should do if they notice her continuing to switch to following them). With the nightmares, I would definitely mention those to your therapist if you haven't already done so. There's no guaranteed way to make them stop, but there are techniques you can try to combat them, or to make things less jarring when you wake up.

[0PT1M15T1C]

My mom is actually typically really nice, I think it’s just really hard for her to see me like this. It’s not something she understands and so I guess in these situations it comes off in anger. She only really does this with these kinds of situations. So yeah, only really in situations that upset her or that she doesn’t understand or maybe disagrees with. Part of it is because quite honestly I am quite privileged, my I come from a fairly wealthy family and so it just doesn’t make sense to her when so many other aspects of my life are good, such as that I’m playing on a very good soccer team, I go to an IB arts school, we have a beautiful house, pets, I have a lot.
My dad idk where to put him, because he’s trying really hard to be there and seemed okay to take me but now seems annoyed and so I just feel like I’m letting all of them down.. He just kind of seems like “we’re here again, and it doesn’t seem to end with you” if that makes sense? Idk how else to put it other than that he doesn’t seem too happy about this at all.. but he never said anything rude whatsoever. Honestly my dad is really my rock, he means the world to me and honestly the reason I told my parents is because I know how much it would hurt him, I look at him and I remember how scared he was when I attempted, and how he just stayed with me, all the good times we have together. Even writing that I honestly started tearing up.

That being said it doesn’t make it any easier to have parents that really don’t understand. I’m waiting to get on the train to go meet my dad and quite honestly I’m shaking.. I met with my guidance counsellor who really just suggested I should be open about everything, even the self harm and she’ll be there if my parents react poorly. But it’s still so scary knowing that I’m about to go and admit how much of a problem I have, I think that really hit me today.
My friends and I have safety plans and know how to act, just sucks.
And then with the nightmares, my therapist is aware.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Currently at the clinic, waiting to be seen but actually my dad has been so supportive, took me to McDonald’s before and joked with me in the car. He’s been really nice. We haven’t really talked about it but he took me right in, and so that’s good. Still doesn’t seem crazy impressed with me right now but it seems more the fact that he’ll be waiting here a while. So yeah, that’s actually really good.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Okay so last kind of update with this, just got home from the clinic, honestly didn't exactly go how I had imagined and I don't really know how to feel about that fully.

So we talked about suicide a bit and they told me they wanted to keep my dad in the room, so it was a little awkward but I'm really glad we did.. We talked about the thoughts I've been having, how bad they are, how I've not done it yet, and I was honest and said that the biggest reason is my dad, that I remember how he really just stood by me and didn't yell and all of the good times. We also talked a little about my self harm and what I do to self harm, which was a shock to him just because he had thought I stopped two years ago.
He also learned more about the situation I've been dealing with and my dad is about to get involved as well, and I'm very grateful for that, he really has my back.
They explained that yeah if I was really about to attempt that they could take me to the hospital but honestly, I'd sit at the hospital for hours just for them to release me, it's really crazy how many cuts the government is making to these things and honestly my city is really under resourced. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be admitted honestly.

Honestly I hate to say it but I don't really feel better, it's still just going to take time and that's exhausting. But like at least my parents are getting involved some more. It's still not a fun situation whatsoever.. I just feel like I'm throwing band-aids at a wound that never heals at this point... I can't even begin to say how emotionally exhausting this is and the things that are going to be uncovered about me scare me, times I was at my worst, screenshots of the few dumb things I did, I don't know how this is all going to play out.
Also, they want me to start taking melatonin so idk how that's going to play out, my mom might be against it.
But on the plus side, my dad is aware of the things going on, both the thoughts of suicide and self harm, and has remained supportive of me, and so at least there's that. He asked me "Would you be okay if you never saw this person again, that includes you having to give up everything you have in terms of possibly antagonising people (I don't know how else to put it) and giving up your control and letting us lead" is basically what he said. I know he has my back.

[Mo]

It sounds like overall it was a good idea to go in to the clinic, even if it wasn't as helpful as you might have wanted. I'm sorry you're not really feeling any better right now, but it does sound like looping your dad in a bit more was a positive step. I hope he's able to give you more support and maybe intervene if your mom is saying rude things to you about your mental health in the future.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I keep coming to some questions about everything that happened and that's just like, why did it hurt so much when things happened..? That's a pretty distinct thing that I remember because although for a minute, it did actually feel almost good.. most of it was quite painful.. I'm just curious to know why that is..When I say it hurt it was when they put their fingers in me that it really started to hurt..
And then also, what could have been the reason for finding blood? I've been reading it's not very common for people with vaginas to experience bleeding the first time (I don't know what else to phrase that as because that was the first time anything went like inside me..) and that it more than likely would not have been the hymen/corona for either question as far as pain. I'm just really confused and figured I'd ask here because what happened to me is kind of in the same thread rather than having to re-explain everything or parts of it..
It's still just been really hard like coming to terms with what happened..
Also the school is now aware of everything that's going on and I can go to the constable or school counsellor to talk if I need, and the constable said she'll take me to the hospital if that's what I feel I need at any point, she was just really nice about everything.
And my mom just seems worried about me at this point, like I think it just sucks for her to see me like this, but it's helping her realize that that my situation has really been weighing on me, she came and checked in when she got home today and told me to write everything down if I hadn't been (I have).

[Gone.Sorry.]

I'm so sorry to hear that things went downhill, 0PT1M15T1C! </3 That sucks.

I'm really glad you did talk with your parents and your counselor, though, even if it sounds like your parents are not the best prepared to be able to support you in the way you need.

Nonconsensual activities can often be painful because...
- You don't want it/you're not excited so your body is tense. If you're tense, things are already more painful because tensing is uncomfortable and tiring. Tensing also means that it's going to be harder to insert anything in your body because of the smaller, less flexible entrance
- If you haven't spent time getting turned on and excited, your body isn't likely to produce any of its own lubricant, so you're also going to experience a lot of friction, which is not a pleasant feeling
- If someone is performing nonconsensual activities on you/forcing you into nonconsensual activities, they already don't care about your comfort or boundaries, so it's unlikely they're using anything like lube that would help decrease friction or going slow enough to slowly work your body and turn you on which means, they're just forcing their way past your tenseness, which is not how you get the body to relax - but can make you tense up more

When we talk about how bleeding isn't common, we're talking about consensual experiences where sex is done with the right tools and communication and all partners are voluntarily participating. If someone is just forcing themselves on you, well, that's an act of violence - not an act of sex. Friction, especially on a tense body, can certainly cause chafing and scraping and other injuries, which can lead to bleeding.

It sounds like your school is taking the situation pretty seriously, which is good. Do you feel any safer with the constable and counselor on your side?

[0PT1M15T1C]

I'm so confused with all of it right now...
Like I'm so damn grateful for my counsellor truly believing me, and the constable for doing what she can.

My parents are getting involved and I've had to explain the full story and face so many questions explaining myself and reminding me of how I put myself in those situations by going back... That's hard...Like the amount I have to talk about what happened and all the questions trying to help other people understand... Just to be told "well it's not illegal" or something like that.. Being told nothing can happen... I don't know how exactly it'll work with my parents pursuing it. The videos I have don't show much and at this point it feels hopeless..

Hopefully the school helps but at this point I just don't even know if I'm being believed with the questions..I just feel really stuck.. This is so hard..
I know my parents are really stepping in still, even after our talk, I think each parent has a different view and I'm just lost..
And it's really strange because like there's so many different views on what happened, so many different ideas or questions.. And it all comes back to me..
It kind of feels like I just keep getting my hopes up to be let down, like people say action and then change their minds.. So I keep thinking I'll get help and then..nope.. It's exhausting really, and totally depleting.
Found out I might be wearing a body cam..That every single adult in the school will be watching out for this.. That nothing will be done, that a lot will be done. It's really confusing and scary, and I just don't even know how I'm feeling anymore, and I know this is a sexual health forum so I don't know if it's time to draw the line or not as far as what I can talk about, it just really sucks..

Thank you for answering those horriblegoose that definitely helps at least make some sense of that piece, so much of this just really leaves me so confused as far as my body, my mind, who I am, everything.. It's not easy in any way..

Also my mom has been really clear to the school on how this has been affecting me, that I never had problems before this situation and now the talk of meds is involved, and other serious consequences for me that I'm facing because of this situation and still nothing's been done. She also found out about the self harm and didn't yell at me and instead made a joke about it (to lighten the mood but not to dismiss, it was still serious). Granted my dad told her to take it easy on me because he already had me re-explain everything to him and that I was probably still feeling pretty raw (I overheard them talking).

[Alexa]

Hey, 0PT1M15T1C.

Since I'm new in this conversation, I want to start by telling you how glad I am that you're here. I'm sorry that going through this, and sharing it with the people around you, has been so hard. I can empathize. Also -- this is totally okay to share with us at Scarleteen. Your emotional health and experiences are both relevant and important for you to be able to share.

I want to nip something in the bud -- you did not "put yourself in the situation" of being abused. None of that is your fault! I agree, though -- it is painful to revisit those situations repeatedly when sharing your story and trying to create a safer space for yourself with your parents, counselors, and law enforcement. I promise you that a day will come when you don't have to talk about it all the time and you can put more distance between yourself and what happened.

I know that you've had a mixed experience with your parents' support in the past -- how is it going right now? You said in your post that they have "different views" on what happened. What are those views, and how do they affect you? That is something we're happy to support you through as well, if you need it.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Thank you, Alexa.. Definitely needed to hear that as far as that it wasn't my fault, that's been hard to believe for myself lately..
It's just been hard, I haven't cried this much in some time to be completely honest, and just feel kind of numb.. My parents have been really nice, as much as they can be anyways, trying to understand but also just being there, really checking up on me, ensuring I'm okay.. But pursuing this like just even typing this out isn't easy, which might sound strange..I mean it's just typing..
As far as the mixed/different views on what's happened, A big part of this is like the fact that this started at nine, and to a lot of people, that sounds pretty ridiculous that things that happened so long ago still have an affect on what happens in the present. Part of what I keep hearing is that I have to learn to coexist and work past this, work on moving on, so from some views, it just feels like no one believes me at times, or fully does understand not only the situation but also its gravity on me. My mom is writing a letter to the school and basically really fighting hard, my dad is also doing things but idk exactly how he feels, I think he thinks it's ridiculous.. Basically how someone views it plays on how they act on it, and I don't have any control..
That part sucks is in all of this, I just have to hope that it'll get better and that people will be doing things to benefit me, it feels like I'm in the middle of a fight and just observing and can't even defend myself..
I don't even really know how to put what I'm feeling into words at this moment. So much has happened so fast and before I can even acknowledge what happened, the next thing comes in. I had two conversations with my parents within about an hour both saying very different things, my dad told my mom to take it easy on me because I was most likely feeling pretty raw from the talk we had.. It's just been non-stop.. I just want a break..I want it to be done.. I want to be okay.. And as far as revisiting, I haven't even been able to tell my therapist that I've been seeing since October all of what's happened and suddenly I'm expected to share everything over, and over, and over again.. To make sure people have all the details..
I know you said that a day will come, but damn, I wish that day would be relatively soon.
It's just like hey, here's all this unprocessed trauma, talk about it and make it make sense to everyone because otherwise it didn't happen is what it feels it like..
I also like get so scared that posting any of this was a mistake.. Right now, this sits at 652 views.. that's a lot..And one of those viewers, what if they know me, what if it is that person..? Like I'm grateful for the support but this is terrifying and I don't know if I should keep posting or not..

[Sam W]

Hi 0PT1M15T1C,

One of the hardest things about trauma is that healing from it is never predictable or linear, and unfortunately you're not the first survivor to run into the idea that you should some be "over" trauma just because it happened some years ago. If people used the power of thinking about things for two seconds, they'd remember that formative experiences can come at any time in our lives, and that just because something happened when we were a kid doesn't mean it can't still have an effect on us.

In case it helps to hear it from someone else: it is okay to not be able to just "move on" from something painful. Trauma takes time to heal from, and there may be pieces of it that you carry with you for a long time, even if your life overall gets happier. Sometimes, people want someone who is hurting to move on from that hurt because it makes them uncomfortable. So it may help to remember that, if you sense people feeling that way or people say things about you needing to move on, that has way more to do with them and nothing to do with you someone doing things wrong.

I completely get that exhaustion with having to share details of something awful over and over, especially when you're still trying to figure out how to describe it for yourself. There may be some of it that's unavoidable, but this might actually be something your counselor can help you with. If you share that frustration and exhaustion and its' source, the two of you might be able to come up with ways of approaching the situation that don't require you to repeat traumatic thing that you're still struggling to fully understand yourself.

As far as posting here, you're always free to do whatever makes you feel safest, okay? We're happy to keep supporting you however we can. I do think it's unlikely that the person will see this (with the caveat that that's something I can't guarantee), and part of why we suggest people have usernames is to make it less likely that someone from their lives recognizes them if they do happen to read the boards.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Okay.. I’ll try my best to remember that.. my mom had a really long talk with the constable and is still writing a letter to the principal, assistant principals, counsellors, everyone.. So at least they’re trying.

Knowing it’a not linear and definitely won’t be easy isn’t fun to think about but I want to be okay.. so I’m going to keep trying..

I’ll stop by and tell my counsellor but I don’t think there’s much I can do, my parents need all the info before they want to react.. and I get that.

It would help a lot though if people were able to understand that even though some of these things happened so long ago, it’s not easy for me now. I don’t know if it’s that it necessarily makes them uncomfortable, they just don’t understand it.

It’s so hard to prove any of this and the amount of disbelief is just really hard..

And yeah.. thank you.. I think for now at least I’m going to keep posting just because I really need an outlet and I honestly haven’t even been able to bring myself to talk much.. And so just being able to get it out really helps..

[Sam W]

You're right that the amount of disbelief or doubt around things like this is incredibly hard and frustrating, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with that on top of everything else.

I'm wondering if your counselor may have some suggestions such as having you write things down, so that if, for instance, your parents have a question or need to check a piece of your account of what happened in order to fill out a form or advocate on your behalf, they can refer to the document rather than asking you. You're right that some amount of you explaining things repeatedly is unavoidable, but there are best practices and recommendations out there about minimizing retraumatization for survivors (making someone repeat the details of an assault over and over can often lead to retraumatization). If your counselor has access to those, it might help decrease the stress of this situation for you.

I'm glad posting here is giving you a safe place to get everything out. Are there other things we can be doing to support you?

[0PT1M15T1C]

I honestly haven’t been speaking today, idk I just can’t bring myself to.. so I sent my counsellor an email explaining a little more and asking if she has any ideas or things she could share with me. I really like the document idea you mentioned but I feel pretty scared asking my parents about that because I think they want to hear me *say* it directly.. thankfully I don’t have to go into too much detail about what happened years ago, like I don’t have to explain every detail of that, it’s still just a lot to explain that I haven’t talked about. They need a pretty good idea of what happened but not really every detail at this point..

I don’t really think there’s anything else you all could be doing, I’m incredibly grateful for what you have done already, it’s made a massive difference.

[Sam W]

I'm so glad you emailed your counselor and asked for help around this. Hopefully the two of you can figure out some things to try. You're already having to manage multiple stressful, scary things at once, and you deserve to find ways to take some of that stress off of your shoulders.

If you like the document idea, would it help to talk about some ways to approach that conversation with your parents?

[0PT1M15T1C]

I just don’t even know how that would work because I’d have to type everything up, make sure I don’t miss anything and I think they’d probably still have questions.. so it sounds like a good idea but I think there would still be a lot of questions and things surrounding it.

So thinking it over, I don’t know if it would work, but I’d be open to exploring it a little more maybe?

[Sam W]

Okay! As you're exploring it, I'd recommend talking about the idea with your counselor to see if she has thoughts on whether it could be a helpful thing or how you'd go about doing it. I'm also wondering: Do you happen to know if your parents have done much research or reading on their own time about supporting a young person who's a survivor?

How have you been doing overall these last few days? Have you been able to take some time to look after yourself or do things that feel like a break from all the stressful stuff?

[0PT1M15T1C]

My counsellor got back to me and actually said the ax act same thing you did, so I asked her about what that could look like and I’m sure she’ll give me a better idea

My mom went through some of this herself but just doesn’t get it.. I don’t think they know much about how to support me really, just going on instinct as parents I think? I know earlier there was an article that explained some of the ways but I’m really scared to bring that up because they’re already trying their best..

I went back to see my assistant principal who basically told me to get over it yesterday, that they have a right to the space as well and I’m just done seeing her because it just hurts me to..

Overall the last few days really haven’t been a lot better.. I just feel numb.. I haven’t been speaking and no ones really pushing me on it thankfully. Tonight I have plans for a hockey game with my dad and I’m really looking forward to that, so that’s fun.. as far as self care I should probably be doing more.. I’ve just been getting home and going to my room to lay down.. soccer helps, and so I guess there’s that? I’m doing surprisingly well in that piece, my team was so mad because of how many shots I was able to save, my coach was impressed and that made me feel really good about myself..

I hadn’t looked in the mirror in a while.. and I got undressed and saw myself and honestly just broke.. like I cried for a while and I don’t even know particularly why.. I guess I’m just trying to be a bit more gentle though. It’s been just a really new and difficult experience but it’s nice having my parents check in on me when I seem down..

[Sam W]

I'm glad the counselor is open to helping you with that! With your parents, it can be really tricky, especially if you sense they're doing their best and are coming from a place of care and concern, to ask for a different kind of support. Part of why I wrote that guide Amanda linked you to early on is that I wanted to acknowledge that this can be a hard situation for parents to navigate, and to give them tools to do so that didn't rely on the survivor to shepherd them through it. So, if you do ever want to share it with your parents, you might be able to frame it as something to help and support them. That might make them more open to it.

I'm sorry the assistant principle had that reaction. While she's not wrong that students have a right to be in school, the administration has a responsibility to ensure student safety around things like stalking, not brush it off as something to get over.

It sounds like sports, and soccer in particular, are a really positive aspect of your life. That's awesome (and my not terribly coordinated self am in awe of anyone who can make saves in soccer)! If you notice that physical activity tends to be something you enjoy, that's definitely an avenue of self care you can explore.

It can be tough sometimes to be gentle with our bodies and ourselves, especially when we're dealing with stressful stuff, but I think it's an excellent goal to work towards. Did that sadness around your body feel like it was tied to anything in particular?

[0PT1M15T1C]

Ill definitely think about the article, I’ll let you know if I decide to share it with them, I just don’t want to overwhelm my parents.

I get she’s not wrong but some of the things that are happening there’s no reason for, and they don’t take any of that into account and just tell me I’m making it up basically.

Sports have always been a major piece of my life and I plan to continue that.

As far as the sadness there was a few things going on.. I was thinking about what happened anyways but I also saw my scars and just feel like in a way I’ve destroyed my body more than what already happened. Quite honestly my scars cover a very large portion of my thighs.. and so I think it clicked just how bad it was when I saw it in context with the rest of my body like that.. and also part of what was going on as far as already thinking about what happened I just like in a way saw what had been done to me and recognized how much that changes how I view my body.. I saw myself and just thought I was disgusting, even though normally, I really like the way I look.. it didn’t help that I got my period and so like seeing that and not expecting it might’ve been another factor.. I thought I had another week and suddenly there was blood and I guess that just might’ve triggered it more..
With all of this I’ve also been really struggling with eating, just bringing myself to eat and so I was able to notice those affects. That’s been a problem for longer than this though..
Idk if that sounds stupid but I just felt so alone in that moment..