I just feel so broken..Am I?

[Mo]

I'm so sorry your school administration hasn't been as helpful as they could be, and that you're being told you're making things up. It's their job to make sure you feel safe and protected at school and it sounds like they're just not doing that right now.
When it comes to eating, can you get your hands on some really easy to eat items that can get some calories in you without too much work? I don't know if you're struggling to find anything appetizing at all but when I have a hard time getting myself something to eat it can help to keep stuff like single-serving peanut butter packets, drinkable yogurt/smoothies, energy bars, etc. on hand so that even if I can only have a few bites or swallows of something, I'm getting as much as possible from it.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah.. typically thats what I try to do it’s just hard knowing how many calories I’m taking in, although as an athlete I need quite a lot to maintain, it’s hard to do that with all that has been happening, so I have dropped in weight a bit.. when I notice I feel okay to eat, I do eat something with lots of calories however, or I wouldn’t put it as binge but allow myself to eat whatever I’m feeling, even if it’s chocolate or something. And then put myself in a space where being able to “get rid of it” is impossible for the rest of the time. My favourite is lately my parents have been getting toaster strudels and those don’t last long in my house, it’s a race to the freezer between my brother and I sometimes. So what I’ll probably do is make myself a smoothie and add some peanut butter or something with lots of calories to make it worthwhile.

[Mo]

Peanut butter in a smoothie sounds really good! I'm glad you're finding ways to take care of yourself even when it's tough.

[0PT1M15T1C]

So like major step for me,

I masturbated. And quite honestly, it was fun, I gave myself some time in which I could do so, and told myself it was okay if I didn't reach orgasm, which I didn't. It was more taking the time to notice what sensations happened, and definitely learned lube is definitely a friend when it comes to that. It honestly felt really great and I just feel so impressed with myself at the moment, and also, so grateful no one decided they wanted to pay a surprise visit to my room. I was planning on holding off for a while longer to figure to give myself more of break but to be honest, I was in the mood and was willing to set aside the time to do it, I went into it a little nervous but definitely excited and treated it more as exploring than something I had to do as like an obligation. Took some time to work on foreplay I guess and just took things slow. Decided it was time to stop when I was getting closer and noticed I was starting to feel quite nervous and tense in a not great way and knew that if I chose to continue it wouldn't be enjoyable.

But yeah, I'm proud of myself for that.

[al]

Optimistic,

I'm so so glad to hear that you were able to take some time for yourself and connect with your body! I love what you said about it being an exploration rather than an obligation, because we're a lot less likely to enjoy ourselves if we feel like we have to accomplish something specific, and instead focus on what feels good or right in the moment.

[0PT1M15T1C]

So, completely forgot for my school, as part of our International Baccalaureate Middle Years Program (IB MYP) every student is required to complete what's called a personal project, something we are passionate about. For me, this was forensics (I want to go into that field when I'm older, and have been pretty dead set on becoming the next Fox Mulder since I was like 9.) What I forgot about is that everyone is doing one, and I completely forgot about my friends project which is absolutely amazing but has me terrified at the same time. Here's why;

My school, although I love it's programs, needs to be better at protecting students, in my case, I've detailed it pretty well here.
For her, the school ignored a guy who tried making countless sexual advances, constantly harassed her for explicit photos, constantly made unwanted comments about her body and what he wanted to do to her, threatened to kill her boyfriend, tried to beat him up at one point. I believe he also tried to threaten her into sending photos? But not 100% sure, we haven't talked about this in a while. I do know, he did this to a few other girls too. This friend also has PTSD already, (actually from a stalker. So she's been a really good ear and able to actually understand what I am facing) and this became an extremely difficult situation for her to handle, and yet, the school ignored it until she went all the way up to the principal demanding something (even being able to switch classes) would happen to help her.
Her project is one based on attempting to show how the school continues to ignore abuse and how they fail to protect students, she has a few different people speaking on it and chose to write a book as her product. I'm really glad she picked this project because it's something both she and I think is extremely important, we came up with the idea when we were bored at a field trip laying on a bench and talking about how messed up my situation was getting, as well as how they put a band aid fix on hers, as well as how they create excuses for these students to continue their behaviour. I already had my project picked out, but she didn't and so we both thought it would be perfect for her, in so many ways. I'm not sure if she's planning on reaching out further to continue her project or not, and I really hope she does, because recently, I don't have a voice in my situation.

Right now that includes some fear, I did share my story with her, but asked her to keep anything she believed may be identifiable in any way out of it, or to change it for my safety. It's really sad actually, because I am told by the school, by the police, and right now by my parents I have to be quiet about what's happened, while they just continue. I'm also terrified of speaking at all, I mean, death threats do that to you, telling me things such as "No one would want to rape your ugly tranny ass-" "-learn your place and shut the fuck up before you don't have a fucking tongue to talk with and I'm forcing you to chew it" as well as so much more. You would think the school would care a little after finding out about those, but no. In a way, her project is absolutely amazing, and really acts as a call out, depending on how she chooses to proceed, but it can also mean danger for me. I promised her I would help her in any way I could with her project but I'm so scared that if one wrong person hears about the project, it's going to be a trip to the ICU for me. I really want to help her, and telling her she can't use my story this late in would create a lot of problems for her, but at the same time, I'm so scared. This may be a good time to mention, I never used to be scared to voice my beliefs and opinions or stand up for what I believe is right, I've done some pretty ridiculous things to step in when I see bullying or to make my opinion heard. In class I love when topics regarding health come up, we had a discussion about abortion and that went on for 40 minutes, there were 30 kids present in the class, 2 of us and the teacher participated but everyone afterwards brought up how interesting it was (We had facts on hand about it, and we're relating it to other topics such as women's rights and LGBT rights and we're discussing how worldview played a key role on the beliefs in different areas) but now, I'm terrified.

Honestly just kind of needed to be able to vent, or I don't even fully know. It just makes me really realize how little power I really have over my own situation, and how the choices adults make still affect me. If an adult chooses not to believe me, then I'm screwed. If they do believe me, they may or may not know how to help, about 50% will know how to, of that percent, 50% will help is what I find. I'm hoping that makes sense. I didn't realise just how silenced I had become until I pressed the send button finishing up the answers she needed. And what's so stupid, the school forced me to do a mediation in November with this person, they brought it up in September and told me they wouldn't be able to help unless I did it (this is knowing what I disclosed to them about my past with this person, and after I explained it would be possibly traumatising) so things got worse and finally I gave in. They admitted to having me threatened, to following me, and for what reason because they wanted to hurt me, but it was time to "move on and not dwell on the past." We both agreed that there would be no talking about the other person in any way or there would be repercussions, I followed through, (apart from here lately but I need something to be able to vent) they clearly didn't or I wouldn't have received death threats, but the school doesn't care. The person has been getting closer and closer to me, finding more ways to be around me to intimidate and ensure I don't feel safe, but the school tells me it's in my head, that because "I've had a rough past so it's possible you're jumping to conclusions", "I think you're misunderstanding, you just have to learn to coexist in this environment."

It really sucks, I don't know how to put it, all my life, I've been someone to stand up for what I believe in, my mom and I used to postpone my birthday celebrations so we could do a protest that landed on my birthday, I participate in walk outs and try to help organize things like that with people at my school. But this, I feel like I have no power and don't even know what to do. They get to continue, while I just stay silent? That's not okay, but again, I don't know what to do, because I mean, standing up, I could do, but to what extent is it worth it, you know?

It also doesn't make sense to me when people question why survivors don't come forward and then the school does this, like, no wonder, people in fear of not being believed, it's real thing, that happens way too often.

I don't know if anyone has any ideas for things I can do, because my parents are going to take quite a bit of time to follow through, they originally seemed quite upset about it, and now it's just something that's there, I don't fully know if they are going to get involved or not anymore. Which breaks my heart a little, I'm pretty young, and yet I have fought so much harder than any adult has for me in this situation. I've always been on my own in these things, and very rarely when I've told adults do they take action. It's not fair that adults get to make decisions about my life and what I need, or even how I feel, or am supposed to feel. There's a whole lot that I have to do to change on my side when this other person hasn't had to do anything. I had to become rather mature, (something people are often surprised about when they talk to me) pretty young. I had to start defending myself when cyber bullying started and my parents told me that I chose to have social media, and that that was a consequence, so I was faced with constant torment, thankfully, my principal at the time believed and supported me, he did his best to help me. I want to stand up, but I don't know if it's even possible in my situation anymore. I think I am going to step it up and talk to my principal and stop bothering with my assistant principal, because my principal is someone who really cares about the students at his school, he's amazing, and always, always, has seriously awesome shoes.

[Gone.Sorry.]

Wow, 0PT1M15T1C, that's big! It's no wonder you've got so much on your mind right now.

I just want to say that it's okay if you can't handle putting your story in your friends book right now. Even with your name and details changed, you'll know whose story that is. That's a big thing to do, and there's a lot going on for you. Even though your friend is doing something really brave and really great doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your mental health for it. She has other stories to tell. (And if you are involved with anything legally with this case, it would be a good idea regardless to check with your lawyer about if it's okay to share your story in this way right now.)

On the other hand, please just recognize that doing this is a scary thing and it makes sense to be afraid. Speaking up isn't easy, as you know. No matter how many times you've had to do it, speaking up is still big and difficult and scary. Have you talked with your school counselor or therapist about this at all?

I'm so sorry that so many people have let you down. You're right that it's not easy for survivors, especially not children and teens. It's really smart of you to recognize who has been there for you, like for example your principal more than your assistant principal, and to rely on those people. That's a good move for you, definitely. <3

[0PT1M15T1C]

Thank you,

I just feel like the deadline is so soon it would completely wreck her project and that would be a pretty big deal... I’m planning to ask her to send me a copy before the deadline so I can be sure I’m at least somewhat okay. I hear you saying it’s okay if I can’t handle that, but with a book, idk, I think it would just wreck so much for her.. I don’t want her to have to worry about who she’s presenting to or hide what she’s doing because of me though.
Police told me I won’t need a lawyer for this, which confuses me because I want someone advocating for a high punishment for the threats, the other parts, such as the stalking and other piece, the police can’t do anything about I’m just told not to talk about it. Which isn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to be ashamed of what happened to me, Right..? I mean I didn’t ask for any of it.
I’ll probably check in with the whole lawyer thing when I get a court date.

It feels really conflicting... Because I really want to be part of what she's doing, I don't want my voice to be completely taken from me, you know? I want to be part of that "really brave and really great" thing, because partly it was also my idea, I want to follow this through. I remember how absolutely excited I was that she had picked that for her project, I want that back so much. I miss the me who was endlessly fighting for myself, I haven't even bothered going to the school lately because it's so exhausting. I want to know I still have that in me I guess? Even if it's from a distance, I want to know that I haven't given up quite yet at least.

With this happening for so long, I'm really worn down, and I mean that's not to say I haven't made progress, but it still kind of feels like one step forward and two steps back with this all continuing. I'm going to be honest, masturbation is one thing that I'm finally getting back into, and that is fun, but can also be emotionally exhausting. I've been able to do it 3 times now, which is a lot for me and I'm trying to be proud of myself for working on that. Talking about it here feels so different than anywhere else and maybe that's just because I can share everything rather than just the pieces certain people want to hear about. There's also not a time restraint.

I think the thing that kind of hurts the most is I never used to be scared to speak up. And yes, this is scary and it does make some sense as to why I’m scared to speak up, it just kind of hurts knowing I’m scared to and also told not to by those I trust. I'm a kid, I shouldn't have to push for adults to protect me, or to do something.

I haven’t seen my counsellor or therapist in some time and haven’t really discussed it with them and don’t know if there’s really time for that, there’s other things going on that need to come first. My counsellor when I brought up the questions my parents were asking recommended something quite similar to what was mentioned here and it just so happened my parents stopped asking.

I know for a fact if the person finds this I'm done for, but I know I needed somewhere to be able to let it out and so I think I'm okay with those repercussions. Either that or I'd be way worse than where I currently am, that's for sure.

Thank you for all you’re time supporting me though, it really does make a difference to me. <3

[Sam W]

Hi 0PT1M15T1C,

I'm glad being able to talk and vent here is helping you, and that you feel able to share the things you need to.

It's totally understandable that you're feeling worn down by this, even if you know you've made progress. Fear alone can be draining, but when combined with feeling like you're not supported where you need to be (and being told you have to keep silent about genuinely frightening things you're going through), it's an exhausting space to be in.

I think asking your friend for a copy to read before the deadline sounds like a really good plan. If nothing else, you'll know what she ended up including about you, which can take away the "oh god what if" that can feed your anxiety. With that hurt around not feeling safe speaking up anymore, it might help to think about activists who've received a lot of threats on social media. A lot of them left certain platforms, locked down their security, and went quiet for a time in order to do what they needed to to keep themselves safe. But after that risk management, some came back and continued speaking out about things like abuse and assault. So it may help to remember that, while you might have to keep quieter than you want for a time in order to prioritize your safety, that doesn't mean you can't regain your voice in the future.

You're right that you shouldn't be the one left feeling ashamed by what happened, and that the adults in your life should not be downplaying what you're going through or failing to respond to the threats against you in a sensible way. Something that may be worth looking into, if you haven't already, is a victims advocate of some kind. I know some domestic violence or rape crisis resources often offer them, and there may be other, more general options as well (since you're dealing with multiple things). An advocate could take some of the stress of having to fight with the adults in your life to do what they need to in order to keep you safe off your shoulders. That may be something your counselor and therapist could help you connect to if you're interested.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Thanks Sam,

I got an update from the police on my case this morning, they may not need a production order to press charges because the person has been involved in other criminal activities. Found out though, because of the way the law works, I may not ever be able to find out who this person is possibly until court or ever. Which is crazy. This is under pretty unusual circumstances, normally people know the person threatening them, I don’t and they can’t tell me who it is, so I’m left to my assumptions. On the bright side, the constable knows who it is, or is damn near positive about it, and she knows what the person looks like so I can rely on that at school. I’m also planning to go up to my Principal to talk about this situation and hopefully I can do that soon, because it’s worth a shot.

Oh yeah, and with the police, they also had to put my case on hold because of the new incident with this person, which sucks. Not sure how that all works though.
Im not really even sure where to start with that conversation though, I’m scared that my last kind of option won’t believe me too.

I’ll see if I can talk to my counsellor about possibly having an advocate because that would be nice for sure.

I haven’t seen my stalker yet today and there’s a lot of relief there, I really didn’t need to come back to that (Didnt have school Monday or Tuesday, and was sick Thursday and Friday, so I haven’t been here much).


It’s definitely nice to hear about the piece you mentioned on the activists, I mean I’m still young, I’ve got time I guess.

It’s getting awful close to year since the stalking started, and that’s incredibly sad, that this has been happening for so so long and still, nothing has been done. So I’m going to continue trying for that.

[Sam W]

That sounds like a solid plan with your counselor. Even if the advocate doesn't turn out be a viable option, you counselor might be able to help you navigate some of this process, or at least connect you with resources that are designed to help survivors navigate complex situations like dealing with police. And I'm so sorry they're not able to share the identity of the person with you. It sounds like there are extenuating circumstances, but not giving you information that would help you stay safe is mind-boggling to me.

Since it's coming up on a year since the stalking began, have you given any thought to ways you could set aside extra time for yourself, either as self-care or as time to just process any emotions that anniversary brings up? Many survivors I've worked with in the past set up extra supports around their "traumaversary," and it often helped them cope more effectively with any feelings or memories that the date brought up for them.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I don’t really know what I’ll do, I don’t remember a set date it started more just the general timeframe. I’ll probably just let my friends know and make sure I have an appointment with my counsellor and therapist, but honestly, because it’s continuing, I think it’ll just be like any other day. I don’t really know how I’ll feel, so it’s kind of hard to plan for. I think the hardest part of it will be knowing I’ve lost another year because of this person. Every day it’s still something I have to face, it just sucks it’s been THIS long.

And yeah, the constable does want to be able to tell me and she’s checking with legal advisors so she can share as much as she can with me. I’m really grateful for her. I’ll post it here if I find out? I won’t post the identity but just some of the information she gives me, and hopefully I get some. She knows how scary it is for me that I don’t know who the person is, or who I’m looking for at all, that I could be going out and they could be there, and I would have no idea. It does put me in danger, but the law is funny that way. Sometimes the identity just can’t be shared because of the YCJA.

[Sam W]

Those all sound like really great ideas for taking care of yourself! If there are things we can do in this space to help you as it hits the one year mark, please let us know.

I'm glad the constable is doing what she can to help you out. It's nice to have someone who seems pretty solidly on your side in that situation, even if they're limited in what they can do (and just so you know, it's totally up to you what parts of this whole process you share with us here).

[0PT1M15T1C]

I ended up emailing my principal and I’m going to try to meet with him, hopefully he can help me out a little bit with the stalker situation. And then I see my counsellor tomorrow and she has her therapy dog in today which is great. It’s nice having her believe me, even if she can’t do much, having people constantly say that somethings in your head or that you’re misinterpreting something serious really sucks...
The way my parents are acting I honestly don’t even know if they’re going to follow through and I’m trying not to get too down on that aspect, but man, I’m so tired of getting my hopes up just for them to be shattered. I’ll ask my counsellor about the advocate thing but I really don’t know what I’ll do if this all fails.

I had a question though... In a way... as much as I really really want this to stop, don’t get me to wrong, I’m also scared for it to stop, because I don’t know what it’s like anymore to not have to live in fear the way I do, I don’t really remember what it’s like to feel safe... Am I crazy for that?

Also, will my sex drive come back ever..? Like lately I’ve been able to try a little and explore, but being in the mood is increasingly rare, will that come back? I mean, it hasn’t been all that long since I started trying but there’s just no difference. I just idk, I thought it would go up, but it hasn’t, like at all. Idk, I feel so weird because of my age, and people talk about sex a lot, but it’s just hardly ever a thing for me. I mean, it’s great if I am, that can be fun, but it’s rare. Like in the last month, there’s been 3 times where I was even all that turned on..
My body just still seems so weird to me. I just really thought I’d get myself back by now. I know part of it takes time but like it’s scaring me that my actual sex drive is like next to nothing is the main piece. Even with this going on, I at least used to have a sex drive.


Also with my friends project, shes promised my story won’t be recognizable in any way and I trust her, and if there’s questions she’ll say she didn’t use anyone from my school. As well as I’ll be able to view it.

[Gone.Sorry.]

You're afraid for the trauma and fear and crisis to stop for the same reason that those of us with mental illnesses get afraid to seek help or take medication or learn healthy and adaptive coping mechanisms. Change is hard and scary because it represents an unknown, and humans are generally not super good with facing the unknown. It's scary to get better. It's scary to imagine a better future. It's scary to imagine a different way of living your life, even if that different way would be easier and happier and more comfortable. It's not the life you know, so you have no idea what it could or will bring, and that's hard to deal with. What you're going through now is awful - but it's also familiar. You know what it's like to be in constant crisis and having to be hypervigilant. You don't know how you'll get out of crisis or how to live when not in crisis. It makes a lot of sense that it's scary to think of when you're beyond all this because you don't really have anything to compare to in order to be able to know what that will actually be like, and that means changing and adapting to a new situation, which sounds exhausting. Even if it's for the better.

And about your sex drive - libido varies so much over a lifetime anyway due to natural fluctuations in hormones, state of mind, age, mood, stress level, even things like diet and more. I would be absolutely shocked if your sex drive right this instant, as a 15 year old going through immense trauma and crisis, stayed the exact same forever. None of us can predict what exactly it'll be like at any given point, but considering the stress your mind is under (and therefore the stress your body is under!) and your age, I have no doubt that this is not a forever thing.
Especially with everything else going on, I would really try not to let this add to your pile of stress. There isn't actually anything wrong with having no sex drive whatsoever or having no sex drive sometimes or having no sex drive just right now or sex in general not being a big, important thing in your life (ever or right now). It's tough when it seems like it's a huge thing for all your peers, but I can promise you're not the only one who feels like they're being left out or left behind, not about sex and not in general. In fact, I think it's one of the defining components of people your age and maybe even people in general. YOLO and FOMO became popular terms for a reason, lol!

I'm asexual with no libido, so I understand how you feel in regards to it being odd that sex seems so important to everyone else right now when it's just not to you. I still have those moments where my friends talk about things like this and I just... zone out because it does. not. matter. to me. But there's nothing wrong with feeling this way, whether it's a permanent or temporary feeling.

Your situation right now is akin to a canoe with a hole in it. Right now, you're still in the middle of everything going on and seeking justice, which is liking having the canoe out in the middle of the lake. In order to stay afloat, you're having to bail water out of the canoe as you simultaneously attempt to paddle to shore. So, you're padding a bit, then doing some bailing, then paddling a bit, then doing some bailing, etc. It won't be until you reach the shore and can get out of the lake - when this person is no longer an active threat to you - that you can stop to patch the hole to fix the problem, ie when you can seriously pursue recovery for yourself.

I know it sucks, but keep bailing out water and paddling forward because you will hit the shore at some point. <3

[0PT1M15T1C]

I promise I’m trying really hard... it’s just not easy...but I AM still trying...so thank you. <3
I still want to be the next Fox Mulder, lol... so I’m going to keep trying so I can at least do that. Obviously the show is not real life it’s just fun and a running joke for me in my family. I have feeling I can be a good detective one day. I just need to solve this problem first I guess.

[Mo]

It really comes through, in what you've said here, that you are trying hard, in a situation where you have a lot of frustrating factors to contend with, to recover and keep going and work towards larger goals you have. I think it's important to acknowledge that!

[0PT1M15T1C]

Just as a little update, so the stalking like picked up... that’s fun..
For starters - I stopped taking the train with my friends a while ago because this person would be there sometimes and it would offset my morning by having me panicked first thing. So my brother and I started taking the bus so this person wouldn’t have any reason to be there and that worked for a while... until this morning. Yesterday she followed my friends and I a bit more than usual and it was just sucky but this time, we go to switch busses and walk through the mall (you go through the mall when you switch the mall has two bus stops on either side) and so we walk and I’m not paying attention because I’m with my brother and uhm, she shouldn’t be there so I thought I was fine. Until I looked up and she was walking, normally you can wait inside but we decided to walk past and wait outside to create space. My brother looked back and let me know that we were being stared at and offered to just say “screw it, let’s walk the kilometre and a bit to school.” So we left and this person caught a bus and booked it to catch us, closed distance and kept a close eye. I want to say - the bus gets off at an alley that goes straight to school that when you take that bus, that’s how you go. It’s the easiest way. She didn’t do that, and instead ran the extra half block and so when my brother and I turned a corner, she ran and closed a lot of distance...
We went to my locker to quickly find my friends and this person walked us there... walked towards my locker, stopped stared at us for a minute and like looked us up and down and walked away.

She’s been just getting closer and closer lately, and it’s terrifying... she walks by laughing staring at me because I can’t help but tense up.. I’m told not to but if I can’t breathe it’s hard to not be even tense... I’m supposed to act like nothings wrong but I’m so scared...
I told my counsellor this morning and my friends and I started calling her “pink dildo” (appropriate? No. But she’s following me so I’ll call her whatever I want as long as it’s just in a sense of talking to my immediate friend group) and my counsellor hates us for that, she wants us to back to “pinkilicious” - we have names so that way it makes the topic a little lighter and might get me to crack a smile when this is happening. But she just said it was good my brother and I didn’t react and that we were safe. She just doesn’t know how to help at this point..which really really sucks.. I see her on Friday too, but I check in every morning, and get my hug. (It’s like a thing at this point)

I have therapy on Friday and don’t know if I’ll bring this up or another issue..

I get Instagram notifications after sometimes and just panic that it’ll be the person that threatened me saying he’s at my school to hurt me.. and my case is kind of paused for right now..

I’ve kind of noticed when things aren’t happening my sex drive is like sometimes existent and then I’ll go a week without even the thought. It feels so weird to me but like it makes sense. I’m kind of taking a break because I did it and just absolutely broke down. So I don’t really want to try right now.

I really just want this to stop so I don’t want to keep going to the school to be ignored... being told it’s in your head when it’s this bad really sucks..like I’m changing so much to stay away from this person, and nothing gets done, I just keep losing pieces of myself. I mean, I should be able to leave the house alone, but I’m not..my sleep has been so off lately because there’s days I get home and I’m asleep within 10 minutes of walking in the door, or others where I go two days without sleeping... I wish I could be a normal teenager and like I’m still trying so hard to fight for myself but I really wish like I had an advocate or someone that would at least help me.

I did end up telling my Spanish and humanities teacher (I have her for Spanish and at my school English and Social are combined and I have her for that) and she believes me and is going to be aware of things. So that’s nice to have her know. She’s a really great teacher and she’s seen some of the threats because I’d get really pissed off when they came in and just show her my phone and ask if I could go to the constable. She understands what’s happening and is going to watch out for me which is nice.

So yeah, that’s my update I guess I really hope this gets better.

[Sam W]

Hi 0PT1M15T1C

I'm so sorry that the stalking has picked up again. I would definitely raise that issue with your counselor on Friday, if only because it's (understandably) having a big effect on your overall wellbeing, so even if it's not the main thing you discuss, it's something it'll be helpful for her to be aware of.

I'm glad there's at least one adult at your school taking the situation seriously, since it sounds like the administration is sort of brushing it off. Do you know if there's anyway that teacher would be willing to vouch for you or talk to other people at the school?

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah.. I guess I’ll bring it up with my therapist.. I like the morning check ins with my counsellor because that way she’s aware of what’s happening and we don’t have to talk about it much in our sessions. Sometimes it’s really hard to discuss because it’s like “yeah, this is still happening, admin still doesn’t care and I’m still getting worse”. Like that’s not a fun conversation

With my teacher she’ll keep an eye out and be aware. But I don’t think she can do anything without witnessing it, and even then, she won’t be able to prove that’s what’s happening.. I think it’s just nice having her know and be aware.. and I mean for her to care is at least nice. It’s way better than being told that it’s all in your head.

It just almost seems like a game for this person. Like they enjoy knowing that they’re hurting me..They laugh walking by because it’s amusing to them.. how do you do that to someone.. how do you enjoy hurting someone like that, how do you treat it like a joke.. The adults in my life act as if it’s my fault.. they say that I’m letting it get to me and by doing that I’m giving them power. But how do I not let it show..? How am I supposed to not even get tense..? I hear them laugh and I feel like I’m back where I was when they were abusing me.. and when they stare at me then start texting I get so scared they’re texting their boyfriend to come kill me or hurt me.. like what if he actually does it..? Why is it my job to ensure I look like everything’s fine and have to play it as nothing when it’s not..?
I just feel like I’ve changed so much and nothing changes... but I’m losing myself when I have to change... idk.. it just really hurts... like a lot of people don’t think being followed is a big deal.. but it’s changed so much for me... it really really affects me..it’s terrifying to be followed.

I need it to stop.. like I don’t know how much worse I can take this getting... they watch my friends and I at lunch, I had to stop taking the train with my friends after school, we can’t even go to the mall without being followed.. I just want to be a normal teenager.

[Mo]

I agree with Sam that it sounds like most people at your school aren't taking this stalking seriously, and that's just terrible. Are you able to talk to the counselor you do your morning checkins with to see if they'd be willing to lean on the administration to take this more seriously? I don't know how you're documenting what's happening, but if you aren't already, I'd start taking detailed notes of time, date, and what happens every time they do something hurtful or threatening. It's ridiculous for your teachers to say that they can't take action unless they see something with their own eyes, but it could be that having a stack of paper with several weeks' worth of harassment listed out in meticulous detail might be a useful tool here.
I wish I had a better suggestion of what to do right now; it sounds like this is a clear cut case of most of the adults with the authority to help you completely falling down on the job, and that's deeply unfair to you.

[0PT1M15T1C]

My counsellor already discusses it with them, and apparently my AP (Assistant Principal) believes me but can’t do anything apparently. Don’t know how much I believe that based on the things she’s said to me. But my counsellor has said she does actually believe me when she talks to her about this. It’s weird. If she believes me she should do something...

I take photos/videos every time it happens and they are all time stamped, then I make note of it in my notes on my phone. But right now all they prove is that she was there... so however many videos I have, they all just say “she happened to be there”. I have video of what happened today..

I stayed an hour and a half after school, to talk to a teacher about some things. And I walk out and get to the bus stop and magically she comes walking out staring at me and walks and tries to stand beside me. (4:55). She normally leaves as soon as the school bell rings (3:10)... I looked up to see her walking right at me and so I moved and she stood where I was staring at me.. this all just happened and honestly I can hardly even breathe... She walked up the bus and I sat at the very back, and she just watched... There was no reason for her to be there... at all...

I’ll see my counsellor tomorrow and let her know... I’m so scared though..

My teacher was actually really nice about it, it’s just that I’m told repeatedly that unless I have proof, it’s not happening and idk if it’ll be the same.. but she’ll do her best. If she sees it, she’ll say something but I can’t believe that it’ll matter..

Right now I’m scared that the person she was texting and then called (I heard my name and “yeah, he’s here right now” but I might be wrong I guess) because I saw her and heard her make the call was her boyfriend and that he’ll find me... I’m taking a different route home but I’m so scared he’s watching me... I have 911 ready honestly... This is so hard... I can’t even stop shaking right now..

I wish she’d stop.. I don’t understand why... I’m not doing anything except trying to live... and apparently that’s too much..I didn’t ask for this... I don’t know what I could’ve done to deserve it honestly...

My mom is texting me after reading my frantic texts “Mom she’s here.” “Omg mom she’s staring at me I can’t breathe” “she shouldn’t be here” “I stayed after school by the way- an hour and a half I was talking to a teacher.” And she let me know we’ll talk about it when she gets home and I’m almost home right now...I’m taking a different bus than usual so that way if someone’s here to look for me, they don’t know my actual route.

EDIT: I don’t get why the adults can’t do something though... why would I make this up..? Do I have a rough past with this person? Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I’m jumping to conclusions and making assumptions... I’m not the problem... I’m so scared honestly it’s been almost an hour and I’m still shaking...

Also just in case anyone’s wondering this is what my friends are like- (I said I just want to be okay) “ We all do (My name). (Other friends name and I hate seeing you scared all he time, we hate seeing you slowly get more depressed cuz this shit ain’t stoping. We all want the best for you. But woah ho ho this pink lookin dildo had to fly her pink looking ass in here and mess your life up. LIKE holy fucking shit you fucked the poor boy up what more do you want.”
She also wanted to make sure she was doing everything she could and reminded me that I was almost home and that I was safe. idk, it’s nice having this. “I just want you to feel safe”

[0PT1M15T1C]

So, I talked to my principal today about everything that’s been happening.

I caught him right at lunch and we were able to go into his office to talk - and basically he said he’s really sorry it’s gotten to this point, and that I don’t feel safe because I should. We talked about some of the things that happened in the past and how I felt I was being ignored by my AP. We brought her in, and talked with her as well, and turns out, she knew about the threats but hadn’t seen them - which I assumed she had because we had a conversation with the constable about the threats, but turns out she doesn’t know what they said. So I showed the principal and he sees a clear link between the threats from this person and the person stalking me. I also learned, that the school has been working closely with the school board to figure our everything they can and that there’s been a massive investigation into this. It’s been a daily topic for them and they really apologized that it felt nothing was being done because of how long it’s been. I told the principal that yeah, they take a while and he said “not just a while, they take too long and that’s not okay”. They really wanted me to know that they did believe me and that they were sorry that it came off as that they didn’t believe or support me.

My principal actually said that it was perfect timing when I saw him because he had a meeting about ME and my situation later in the day scheduled. They all said there’s constant communication on it but I have to go back to ensuring I tell them every time something happens and don’t wait. If what happened yesterday happened again, they said just get off the bus and come back into the school or go to the Dairy Queen or Tim’s or something. I got my AP’s phone number and so she said if I ever felt scared to text her, and if like what happened yesterday happened she would help me navigate that, and that very often there is people in the school - sometimes even her -until like 8:30 a lot of the time. They said they’ve given students rides home if needed (bus schedules change a lot when it’s later) or helped that way. So idk, that helps.. I feel like I'm getting a lot of peoples numbers, like I have the constable, my AP, who's next.

Even with that conversation today was still not easy, she was at the mall again this morning and my brother and I took a back route which extended our walk to about 1.5km - so that sucked (My brother and I are both athletes so the walk itself didn't bother us and kind of had some fun cracking ice, but we pay a lot for a bus pass to be walking to school). But on the bright side, we weren’t followed. Today honestly just was not good in a lot of ways, there was a lot of teasing and stuff going on at school which just sucks. So most of the day I was on the verge of tears and just really, really scared. Eventually last block I guess I just kind of broke. I had a test, and normally I’m an energetic happy kid - I don’t let this show in class, especially not in a subject like science that I actually really enjoy. I went to my teacher first thing and said I was having a really bad day and didn’t know what to do about the test because I couldn’t even think straight. She knows me really well and told me to take it, and I was just mad at the world, not at her and she said later that that’s what it came off as. I said “fine” and walked out of class (class hadn’t started) and came back and threw my phone on my desk and she asked if I was okay, looked at my log notes and saw I was already in student services earlier - which only happens when things are bad. And she kind of pressed me on it for a minute and I started crying and she just listened to me for a few minutes, took the test - think I did pretty good - and was able to just chill for a bit after. Like she knows me and I apologised for getting upset and she said she knew something was up and that it wasn’t directed towards her, that things just built up to that point and that she was glad I felt better.

Didn’t end up talking to the constable today, but I’ll most likely be able to do that tomorrow and I’m supposed to email everyone (Assistant Principal, Principal and the Constable - even though she already has them) all the photos to be sure everyone is on the same page. I brought up how serious this had gotten - that my anxiety about all of this is so high, and my principal was just really caring which I’m grateful for...Like he actually acknowledged that my fears were coming from something that happened and that he cared.

Still kind of feels like they’re focusing on just the threats but I really hope they also really crack down on the stalking which I sort of heard them say. Basically it came up that the threats clearly showed the other party had not followed through on our circle agreements and that they will be looking into this. I'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier in the threat but I had to do a mediation with the person in November? - I think it was November. So, we agreed there would be no communication to anyone (I'm allowed to talk to my immediate friend group who understand the serious repercussions if they were to cause issues about it) and clearly, the threats show that was broken.

I’m so scared that I’m just getting my hopes up again... like all I want is for this to get better. I don’t want them to drop it again or treat it like nothing - my mom started back into that I’m letting the person live rent free in my head and I cut her off and told her she couldn’t say that to me, that I was sick of hearing it. Idk what I’ll do if nothing can be done honestly. Like at that point I think there’s nothing I can do. Like that thought scares me a lot... I need it to stop... It’s not fair or okay at all..

But for right now.. people are working on it, and so there’s that at least. I really hope that works out. They really talked about how much communication there’s been about this and I wish someone would have told me that because leaving me in the dark felt so hopeless.

[Sam W]

It sounds like a ton has happened around this in just a day or so, so it makes a lot of sense that you're in a place where you're feeling super-overwhelmed in some ways.

I'm glad to hear the administration at your school has been taking this more seriously than it initially seemed, though I agree with you that it would have been helpful for them to give you a more accurate picture of what was being done. Goodness knows just knowing they believed you more than they let on could have helped with some of the stress you've been under.

Those feelings, both around not wanting to get your hopes up and wishing this would just all stop already are completely understandable, especially given how long some of this has been going on. I think, as you continue working with your counselor, one thing to talk about is how to cope with some of the feelings of powerlessness and exhaustion that come with this situation. That may help you feel a little less like you're stuck waiting for all this to resolve with nothing to do (which in and of itself can amplify the stress of a situation).

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, today has gone a lot better so far thankfully, she wasn’t at the bus stop and so my brother and I got to school where our friend was waiting at the door with cupcakes that her mom (a baker) made. So right now things are okay, I’ll let my therapist know but honestly I kind of want to just focus on my gender with her right now. Idk, I'm tired of explaining everything repeatedly and answering so many questions about everything. Like my situation is confusing and not an easy one so people are always pretty confused.

Is it bad if I just focus on the gender part at the moment? Like this isn’t going to stop anytime soon, so I don’t want to keep ignoring the other things going on - like my dysphoria has been absolute hell lately - I left my packer at home going out and I couldn’t focus whatsoever I was so scared I wasn’t going to pass. Even though no ones looking there... my chest just makes me want to rip it apart so I can’t just focus on the other thing with this person.

I’ve been pushing my mom with articles and stuff lately about transition - sent her a video from a YouTube who’s ftm that was advice for parents of trans kids. Idk, like we’ve talked about going to the doctor for at least birth control - and I’ll bring this all up with the doctor if/when that happens. I talked with one of the teachers who’s trans and he said to ask my mom what my happiness is worth. So I’m thinking a bit on that one because it’s a hard question. Like I guess that part of the threats really got to me more than I thought. Like calling me a pathetic excuse for a tr*nny, a disgrace to the whole trans community, saying I look like a 9 year old horse girl, that I don’t even pass and calling me a dyke soooo many times. . I know he just said it to try to hurt me but I’ve been so nervous that I don’t pass lately. Watching everyone else see the changes they want happen to their body hurts a bit. Doing a lot of the things that I was doing to reconnect with my body and even masturbation is a nope because I cannot touch my body. Showers, I see my body and just feel like breaking down. Dysphoria has happened like this in waves before but they get worse as I get older. So I at least want to try to bring it up.