A girl let me touch her, but she didn’t want to touch me

[spidertrans]

Last night one of my best friends asked if I wanted to cuddle with her. I said yes because I’ve secretly had a bit of a crush on her for a while. After a bit she asked me to touch her and I ended up giving her a handjob. I was pretty turned on so I told her she could touch me if she wanted to, but she seemed unsure so I told her she didn’t have to. I didn’t want to ask why she didn’t want to touch me because I was worried it would make her feel pressured into doing something she was uncomfortable with, but I’m kind of worried and upset now. Should I ask her about it today in a non-intimate scenario so she won’t feel pressured? I really don’t know what to make of it, please help.

[Gone.Sorry.]

I don't think it would have been pressuring her to, in the moment, stop and ask what she wanted from the moment with you touching her and her not touching you. It's okay to have a conversation "in the moment". Having a conversation can help clarify boundaries and desires for the both of you.

That said, it's understandable that you were worried the moment would end if you had stopped to have a conversation about it. I definitely think having a conversation with this girl is a good idea so you can find out where her head is at and share where your head is at.

I would think about what you want to get out of the conversation first so you have some ideas of what to go over. For example, what did she consider that night as? Does she see it as a one time thing? Is it something she wants to explore more? Does she only want to explore it sexually or also romantically? Does she want to explore you touching her more but not touching you? What boundaries does she have around touching? Is it something you want to explore more - in what sense? If you continued to explore more, would you be open to an exploration where it was mainly you doing the touching? Do you want to admit to her that you've been crushing on her?

As well, you might consider what it will mean to you to hear something that you may not want to hear and how you'll react to that. For example, if she says that it was a one time thing and wants to preserve your friendship while you were hoping it would lead to dating her, how would you react? If you were too upset, could you walk away and take time to process either by yourself or with other friends?

It's really great that you're aware of respecting her boundaries and don't want to pressure her. But the way you do that is by having an open conversation with her where you hear and listen to what she says as you two talk. The way you do that is to share how you feel with no expectations that she has to feel the same way. Not pressuring her doesn't mean that you ignore your own feelings or never speak up. It's completely reasonable to want to clarify the confusion you have over what happened with this girl.

And to be clear: it's okay if you decide that whatever this is that it isn't what you want if she only wants to be touched and you want touching you to also be a part of a relationship. Saying "this isn't what I want, so I can't continue this" isn't pressuring her; it's just your boundary, which you are also allowed to have! You can respect how she feels while deciding that it's not for you.

Good luck! I do think a conversation is a good idea. <3

[Amanda F]

Hi spidertrans,

horriblegoose made some great points, and I want to add my voice to celebrate you for listening to this person and respecting their wishes! It sounds like you did a really great job of respecting where she was at, and you should feel proud of yourself for listening to her and not pressuring her into anything.

Like horriblegoose said, having an open conversation could help to clarify things. When do you think you might chat with her? Is there anything we can to do help you prepare for that?