Can't get aroused to anything else but the weird fetish I have

[QwerTyQ]

As it says in the title, I can't seem to get mentally into anything but the weird fetish I have and it's a bit nervewracking for me. I've had the fetish ever since I was a child and since I began to masturbate I've only ever orgasmed to it since. It's not that other typical things aren't sexually appealing to me (I'm pansexual), it just doesn't appeal to me strongly enough or in the way that I am aroused and can masturbate to it. I do find the idea of having sex with someone else appealing, but I've kind of been learning that it's better to think of myself as my first lover/ sexual partner first and foremost rather than anyone else, so I'm trying to do that here but its not working. I also do find the concept of having sex with myself appealing, it's just that I can't get the one basic thing down (arousal) to anything else other than my fetish to enjoy myself. Is it possible that since I've masturbated for years to this one thing I've created a connection in my mind where I can only get aroused at this one thing and not anything else? Is it possible to change anything or have I just cemented this habit so much that nothing else works? I want to be able to masturbate to something else other than this fetish because I feel bad for liking it, and I feel like if I masturbate to something else I can prove to myself that I actually am attracted to things other than this fetish and will be able to be aroused during sex with another person. Cause if I'm attracted to other things in real life such as different people, different body parts, ect, why wouldn't I be able to get off to them?

[al]

Hi there QwertyQ, and welcome to Scarleteen!

First of all, without knowing what exactly it is that your fetish is, I can tell you that you don't deserve to feel ashamed or guilty about something that you're fantasizing about. That's one of the best things about fantasy - it's a safe way to explore situations and interactions without having to navigate consent, boundaries, pregnancy or STI risk, etc. Maybe the way that you first thought about this situation or were exposed to the idea is playing a part too - Undoing Sexual Shame talks a little bit more about how the environment where you grow up or first learn about sexuality can affect how you feel about your own sexuality.

But I hear you saying that you'd like to be able to experience arousal and masturbate to other situations and subjects. To answer your question, I do think it's possible that you fell into the habit of masturbating to this one situation regularly, and then after a while it started to feel like that was the only option. Did you say that you've tried thinking about other situations, or reading content/looking at pictures that you find sexy?

I can't speak for everyone, but from what I've seen, our sexual preferences and the things we find arousing rarely change through us trying to forcibly will them away. But by experimenting with different fantasies, people, and situations (and with ourselves!) we usually learn about other things that we find attractive or sexually interesting, and then our horizons expand a bit. Sexual interests are kind of dependent on where our heads and bodies are at in a given moment, as well as what we're exposed to, so it's totally possible that it could change over time naturally.
I'd also add that what people fantasize about when they masturbate can be very different from what they actually experience in sexual encounters and relationships with others. It's precisely because they're on their own and in their own mind that they're thinking about the things they are, whereas partnered sex involves a whole other individual's wants, needs, and boundaries. Has this been something that has come up for you in sexual experiences with others, if you've had them?

[QwerTyQ]

Speaking about sexual shame, yeah I'm growing up in an environment where sexual desire and my queer sexuality is shamed by my family. My family is very conservative religious wise, and sometimes say shitty things about queer people so I have to keep that part of myself a secret. I know I have no reason to feel ashamed about being queer and being a sexual being, and as far as I know consciously I have little to no shame about it at all, but I might have unconcious shame. About that translating to my fetish, I guess so, but I think it's more because the fetish is a little out there (it has to do with bodily fluids/ substances) that I feel abnormal and ashamed about it. At first I felt really ashamed about it but I think the shame has lessened over the years and/ or I've become kind of desensitized to it.

I have tried masturbating a little to porn like men having sex, women having sex, (not binary and non binary trans ppl having sex bc there's too much porn out there that fetishizes them and I dislike that), pictures, audio, even porny art and I do enjoy them, but things kind of depend on the different format. On some sort of level I like watching videos of people having sex, but when I try to touch myself I feel uncomfortable so I just end up watching it and maybe kind of appreaciating it in a detached way. Watching people have sex is an intimate thing to me, so by watching it and futhermore masturbating to it I feel like I'm intruding or something like that. Also, idk if I'm even mentally into it that much. Audio makes me feel that same way too. In both audio and visual porn I just remember hearing people moan and just feeling awkward about it. Also, there's too many heterosexual D/S dynamic audio porn out there that I'm not really into cause i dont enjoy the heteronormativity, and am not really that into strict power dynamics during sex (all of the time, such as the man's the dom, the woman's the sub, or viceversa). I liked looking at porny at the other day, especially bc there were some other black people and poc in it in a non racially fetishistic way (porn is very white washed lol), but pictures don't really engage me because they only target my visual senses. In the porn that I usually watch sounds get me off a lot, so maybe I should try exploring that in other types of porn?

Weirdly enough, I want to say I like watching people fall in love and have sex in movies rather than have sex in porn. People falling in love appeals to my emotional side, and then since I have an emotional connection to the characters watching them have sex is like oooOoOo )). But I still feel weird trying to masturbate to that lol. I've liked reading content (like CMBYN) but I feel uncomfortable trying to masturbate to that. I guess I see a pattern of discomfort showing up here for some reason lmao.

I haven't had any sexual experiences with others so no.

Thanks for responding so quickly and being so nice! I appreciate it .

[Sam W]

Hi QwerTyQ,

This is all very helpful detail, thank you! It sucks that you're in a space right now that isn't queer friendly, and I'm sorry that's something you're dealing with. Do you have ways of safely connecting with other queer people and nurturing that part of yourself, or are your options for that pretty limited?

You've identified discomfort as a pattern when you've explored different types of sexual media, so let's focus on those for a second. When you've had those feelings of discomfort pop up, what do they seem to focus on? For instance, are they to do with you or what you're doing (like feeling shame around sex) or are they more to do with the content of the media you're consuming (like some of the dynamics you don't enjoy in porn)?

[QwerTyQ]

I guess I might have some places where I can semi comfortably share my queer sexuality. Most of my friends are queer and/ or sexually open so I can talk with them about it, I'm just not super comfortable talking about sex with other people because I'm still working through having been taught that talking to someone about sex is only reserved for sexual partners/ if you want to have sex with someone. Also, I think that talking about sex casually and openly is kind of stigmatized in U.S. culture so it's something that's definitely affected me.

At first thought, when I think of sexual media such as videos that I've watched and tried to masturbate to, I think I feel discomfort about touching myself to it. I think it might kind of feel "wrong" in a way, like "this is awkward, I'm trying to get off to other people having sex, I'm not supposed to be doing this" or something like that. Maybe I'm in my head too much. I think too much sometimes that sometimes I have trouble staying in the moment and enjoying myself. Sometimes when trying to masturbate I remember being like "I feel so awkward, this is awkward. Sex in and of itself as an act is kind of weird. People are like rubbing their bits up into someone else's bits. That person's feet are dirty" or something like that . I've also barely even tried masturbating to porn either though, I've only done kind of half assed attempts before lol. Maybe I'm struggling to just let go and enjoy watching others have sex. If this is the case, how could I go about starting to unravel this shame about masturbating to this stuff?

[Heather]

No one HAS to use porn, just so we're clear. Not everyone does enjoy watching other people have sex (or other people they don't actually know, or other people in a porn context). Sometimes that's about shame, but sometimes it's just about a preference. Some people do enjoy watching others but don't want to masturbate while doing so.

So, I first want to check in with you that you WANT to be masturbating while watching porn, because it certainly isn't required!

[Sam W]

Glad to hear you have other queer folks you can talk to (about sexuality or about other stuff)! In terms of working through those more sex negative messages you were taught, would it help to have some more resources or tools to help you do that?

I wonder if something that might be helpful is to find ways to be more present when you try to masturbate. That might help your brain keep from going off on the "this is so awkward" tangent. That could involve focusing solely on the sensations you're feeling in your body, or it could be focusing on whatever fantasies you enjoy. If you haven't read it already, this article may give you some ideas on how to do that: Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation. Do those feel like strategies you can try?

Too, Heather mentioned this and I'll reiterate it: it may be that watching porn simply isn't your cup of tea, and that's completely okay! There are many, many people who don't use porn during masturbation, so it certainly isn't a requirement of the experience.

[QwerTyQ]

Yeah, it would help to receive some resources on how to work through sex negative messages I've been given. Thanks.

Are you sure the article you linked is revelant to this discussion? It seems like it was geared more towards relationships and I don't think that that's really relevant to what I'm contemplating here.

Yeah, maybe it just isn't my cup of tea. If it isn't, on some sort of level I wish it was bc like I said I can masturbate to porn that has to do with my fetish, just not anything else.

[Sam W]

Oh dang it, I posted the wrong link. I'm sorry! I've replaced it with the right one now.

Okay here are some other resources to get you started! Welcome to Impurity Culture: This is the first in a series we have on the site. It deals with unlearning the shame that comes with certain religious upbringings, and some of what's discussed may resonate with you. You may also want to peek at this section from our Sex Goddess Blues article: http://www.scarleteen.com/the_sex_godde ... xual_shame.

Can I ask what you think might be different about masturbating with porn of your fetish versus masturbating with a fantasy of it that's making one feel more pleasurable than the other?

[QwerTyQ]

It's fine lol. Thanks.

Well, I actually find masturbating to videos of my fetish specifically to be more pleasurable than watching videos of other types of sexual media. As a preface, it's kind of awkward to be completely honest here, but I want to do so so I'm going to try lol. I find watching videos of my fetish to be arousing than other types of porn because I find it to be disgusting and taboo. In general, I find things that are generally taboo to be sexually appealing (like pegging and other sexual activities that go against societal norms). But it's just something about that specifically when it comes to this certain fetish that arouses me (because it's pretty taboo and disgusting). The wires just crossed in my brain at this certain point to have disgust encite arousal for some reason lmao.

(my fetish is just watching people poop and pee. Nothing else that people usually think of when it comes to this subject. Still, I feel so weird saying this cause I know it's really taboo and disgusting and tons of people think that people who are into this are freaks who do immoral things hahaha. I'm just very afraid of bad judgement from others and other people being creeped out by this. I know I have no reason to be ashamed bc all of the videos I watch are of people who are of legal age and consent to doing this type of activity but it's hard not to be ashamed when it's so taboo).

[Heather]

First up: I'm so glad you took the positive risk of sharing here. It's so much easier to feel weird or icky about something when we keep it all locked up and hidden away.

It's okay that you feel excited by what you are. I want to make sure you really hear that. It totally is. Yep, some body fluids and fecal matter are things a lot of people have issues with and find gross (though that doesn't actually make them universally gross: that's subjective!). It sounds like even you might feel that way, but it maybe just happens that what you find gross is also what you find sexy. All of that is okay, and none of it tells us anything about your morality or anything else about you.

It sounds to me like you're saying trying to watch porn only feels awkward -- or mostly does -- when you're watching things you aren't really into. That sounds pretty typical to me, and all I'd say about that is that there's no need to try and make yourself be into or get off on things you're not into and don't get off on. Why not just stick with what focuses on what you like?

[QwerTyQ]

Yeah, maybe I should just stick to what I like no matter how weird it is lol.

Is it possible for me to only like to masturbate to a fetish, but enjoy having partnered sex in real life? I'm used to thinking that to know whether I will enjoy having partnered sex in real life I have to be able to masturbate to people having sex in porn, but maybe that's not the case? I like the idea of having sex in real life, how it's very intimate, engages all of the senses and engages you emotionally, but I've never had it before so I don't know if I like it. I think I will like it on some type of level though.

[Heather]

Totally possible. And it's possible you might always be this way, but just as possible (probably more so, honestly, since what we like sexually is rarely cemented so early in life as this) any or all of that will shift, and probably more than once, in your lifetime.

Also, you can totally throw out the idea that you'll only like in IRL what you like in porn. No way. Porn tells you what you like in fantasy, most of all, and in porn, specifically. Sometimes it can give a person a sense of what they might or might not like in real life, alone or with others, but often enough what people like and want and do IRL is different than in porn.

(Also, it's okay to be weird or unusual or not like everybody else, in pretty much any way. I get it can feel scary sometimes and in some ways, but IMHO, life's a lot more interesting for those of us who are weird.)

[QwerTyQ]

"Life's a lot more interesting for those of us who are weird" I agree lol.

Thanks so much for speaking with me about this, I feel much better after working this out a bit.

[Heather]

Happy to do so, and I couldn't be more glad to hear that you're feeling better about it all. Yay!

[QwerTyQ]

So I guess this is basically an update lol. It's so interesting to look back on this thread almost a year later; I feel like things have changed a lot lol. For one, I feel a lot more secure in myself as a person, which means that I feel less shame over my fetish and deriving pleasure from it. I also have found that I actually can get aroused now by seuxal fantasies and even just seeing people out in public, which I haven't be able to before in the past lol. It's kind of been distracting and has made me a bit worried because this is a new change in my sexuality lol. I've also found that I've started to have sexual fantasies about my best friend which kind of makes me feel guilty because he's my best friend and doesn't like me like that. Do y'all have any advice for navigating the discomfort of getting sexually aroused by seeing people in public sometimes? It feels kind of embarrasing lol. I feel so much more horny than I did in the past. And also, do you have any advice for navigating feeling guilty about fantasizing about my best friend?

[Sam W]

Hi QwerTyQ,

Nice to see you again, and glad to hear you're in a way more confident spot!

With both of your questions, one of the most helpful things can be to remind yourself that having desire or arousal doesn't mean you have to act on those feelings. They can just be one of the many things you feel during your day(like anger at a red light, or a burst of hunger walking by a bakery). With the arousal in public, what we often suggest people do is acknowledge that that's what they're feeling, and then let the feeling go and focus on something else. Treating the arousal like any other emotion can help it feel less shameful or uncomfortable (as can reminding yourself that, in any given public space, there are other people going through the exact same thing). Does that make sense?

With fantasizing about your friend, it can help to remember that fantasy is basically fair game; it's a space where you get to explore what turns you on, or engage in things that you'd never actually do in real life or with people who you know are off limits in some way. I really like the way Mo tackles a question similar to yours in this article, including talking about what to do if you find those fantasies starting to influence your interactions with your friend: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... t_my_crush.

[QwerTyQ]

Yeah, that makes sense. And the article you linked was really good. Thanks for the advice!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm glad it helped!