I just feel so broken..Am I?

[Sam W]

It's completely up to you what you want to focus on during therapy, since you're the expert in which aspects of your life feel the most urgent to address. Too, on a practical level there may be more concrete things to work on in therapy around your gender stuff than around the other issues (aside from things like safety planning or other measures to make sure you're as protected as you can be). If you've been having a dysphoria flare-up lately (I know you've mentioned dysphoria as being pretty constant, but it sounds like it's especially strong right now), then that's definitely something to ask your therapist for help with. That might also be a space where you can brainstorm if there are any things that are easily accessible to you that could help with those fears around not passing.

I'm glad you're still talking to your mom about transitioning more (and fingers crossed that the healthcare provider can help you out with that). I know those can't be fun conversations to be having, but hopefully they might get her to see just how urgent this all is to you.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I’ll be sure to bring it up with her and hopefully the constable is here today. I have no idea where she’s been lately but I saw my counsellor this morning, let her know things are going alright, haven’t had any issues today and I don’t think she’s here so I’m so much more relaxed. Thank for everything you’ve done to help.

I’m still holding off on meeting up with any guys for anything because like I don’t want to bring them into this, and also I don’t think I’d be making the best decision for me with that. It kind of feels like I’d be doing it to prove something to myself and I want it to be something I really want to do and be in the right state of mind for. When it’s this bad still with the stalking I know for a fact if I do anything I’ll end up having a flashback, I’m like doing okay ish holding myself stable when I do it but adding another person would make it so much harder.

[Sam W]

You're so very welcome, and I'm glad you've felt safe enough here to talk about these situations.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Okay, so today so far has literally been a massive emotional roller coaster and it’s not even noon.

So I jammed out with my mom on the way to school because I got a ride due to having project stuff with me. Then went and got Tim’s, got a coffee and some timbits which I couldn’t eat but that’s fine. Got to therapy fine and we talked about so many different things to be honest, we made two lists basically things I want to focus on and where I want to be, and everything causing problems. The list was a little long but I absolutely love my therapist. The guy threatening me, honestly I said to her “he called me ugly but like wtf, I look way better than he does” and my therapist said she was waiting for me to say that - really complimented my style and loved that. So we put on the board “I look hot” for going well, and then I brought up that I just wasn’t concerned as much as I was about we rated that an 8/10 because I feel fine about it and content. So that was listed as “I am hot ” which I couldn’t get over. She also wrote pink dildo on the board instead of the name of the person so the board looked real interesting.

We talked about gender a lot and had two sections on that because she noticed I jumped a step and skipped “this is me in all my glory” right to “am I man enough” and so I can’t explain that at all because it took her like 15 minutes to explain it to me and I’m going to be honest I’m still not sure I understand - which she said is good because we’re making progress. I was honestly with her about my experiences and all of that and she said I really should go to the doctor and we discussed that a bit. Basically it’s me doing it for me and telling the world to fuck off is how she put it.

She can’t diagnose me, a doctor has to do that but she treats therapy the same with everyone regardless of diagnosis which is - what are the problems going on, how can we work through this? Sort of. I think.

Then suicide came up and I was honest around that and she put me at very high risk, it was call my mom or call 911. So uhm... not great. We called my mom, she really negotiated with what I need, she did a really great job advocating for me which is nice - so we’re going to the doctor after school to discuss gender and then medication. The therapist also expressed that I’m really great at masking this, so it’s understandable my mom hasn’t fully seen the extent of this all. I was describing everything going on trying to joke about it and within the first 5 minutes my therapist asked me why I was smiling while talking about it and I told her it’s easier than being sad about it. We talked about it for a little while and it led into another topic.

So basically the therapist said she wasn’t supposed to let me go if I was anywhere above a 6 which is where my mom put me and I changed my answer to. Would prefer not to say where I put it the first time. My therapist put it as I was hanging on by threads and fighting really hard, that I’m holding onto the things I can look forward to but if those aren’t there for a period of time she’s really really worried. And really described the extent of what I’m dealing with and that she really doesn’t know how else to help me, that we really need this, explained that I do have a lot of tools and I’ve been using them, but tools do no good when you drop someone who can’t swim in the middle of the ocean in a storm. And that my brain right now is at a very crucial point in development, that as a therapist she can’t tell if this is how my brain works now after all the trauma or if it’s because of the situation and when I’m out of it I’ll be good - you can’t distinguish this but right now my brain needs a break, that this is really harmful for me. She described it as there’s like pieces of a pie, that there are all these different pieces and she started listing them, and put it at about 12, that that’s not okay and that I need the extra help. Then she got me (oh yeah this was all done on speaker and I stayed quiet and just gave my therapist what info she needed and corrected her if she messed up on a piece.) on the phone to say what I needed and that was stressful. I said that I wanted to go to school to do my project presentation which I worked so hard on and I feel did such an amazing job despite the challenges I’ve faced and that I had an appointment with my counsellor and really wanted to see her. Also told me to say “I want to go to the doctor after school to discuss the gender and then anxiety meds.” And she said okay.

My therapist also made it clear to say that if he didn’t understand that we needed to say “send me to someone who will help”. So yeah, we also discussed that the gender clinic has a wait time of two years and part of that is to make sure you aren’t going to change yourself mind and she said she doesn’t see a way that’s going to happen and that if it did, it would’ve happened by now.

Soooo yeah. My mom just really didn’t know what to do and it’s really clear that she doesn’t understand and my therapist really vouched for this but I really have the feeling that I’m going to see her after school and be lectured and nothings going to happen.

We also talked briefly about what happened to me and there was questions about that relating to dysphoria. She said “I think it’s fair to say you were raped” and I tensed up and she noticed that and asked if that’s not what I felt happened and I just said I didn’t know, and she asked if assaulted was a better word and I just said I still wasn’t sure what to call it - I know we’ve been over this in this thread but it’s hard to say in person I guess. She referred to it as sexual and emotional abuse. The main reason I’m not sure is because the police said they couldn’t label it because it doesn’t fit within the criminal code. So I told her that piece and she acknowledged it and I’m honestly confused on what happened after this because I’m pretty sure we tied it into some dysphoria. But now she knows a little more about what happened and I’m proud of myself for telling her.

My mom texted me and asked if I was alright, she’ll pick me up and we’ll talk more after school - told me to rock my presentation. I still love the board we had though. I’m still fighting for myself, and I want to continue to do so. Even though it’s hard I want this to get better.

It’s project time!!!

[Mo]

Thanks for the update. It sounds like you had an intense morning in therapy, but I hope overall it was helpful, and that communicating more of what you felt to your mom will result in her understanding (or at least trying to understand, if she isn't there yet) your situation a little better.
I think it's great that you ended your post here with a note about wanting to keep fighting and for things to get better. I hope you can hold on to that feeling!
Also I hope your presentation went well today.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, so I did amazing on my project my counsellor came to see me present and was absolutely amazed and everyone left really positive notes and they were really engaged. It was absolutely amazing and I loved reading the notes left on me about my project especially from my counsellor because she said “I knew he was dedicated but this is next level.” Afterwards we had our appointment which we did walking because sitting just wasn’t hitting for either of us. And on that walk, my media teacher stopped us and asked if he could use my animation as an example to the rest of the grade 9’s because my animation was by far one of the best apparently and he was really happy with me. I hate my voice in it but he was really happy about it so I said yeah.

My mom and I are currently at home where Im going to grab my therapists card (lost the one she gave me today I swear, magic) and apparently my brother is coming...
ALSO. Didn’t see the person all day today! My anxiety has been bad but like it makes such a difference not seeing her.
Things might actually be turning around a bit for me. Which I think I really need considering literally everything seemed to be against me. Just hearing the way my therapist negotiated with my mom and just advocated for me and what I need was great. At one point in the call I started getting frustrated visibly and my therapist just said “I got this don’t worry” and gave me the like “be patient thing” with her hand idk how else to describe it. And she went and really vouched for me. I mean, it’s getting me to the doctors sooo. However she did just say “I’m still not approving this medication thing until someone convinced me, I think it’s BS” so idk how to feel about that.. hopefully that works out because a 9/10 anxiety level is not okay. And it’s not a bad thing to need medication which I wish she would understand. I don’t get how she thinks living with the anxiety is healthier than medication because like damn. This is hard. Either way, we’re about to go. My parents are downstairs talking about me.. and it seems like a joke to them... and are blaming me for being stressed and my mom is upset about having to go to the doctors.. my health is important and idk, it doesn’t feel like that matters. “What kind of disease can I catch this afternoon” and she’s visibly not happy with me...


EDIT: I just realized he might view me as a mature minor!! I might be able to get help with this!!! Idk how that works but I’m trying not to cry right now with my mom so. She’s so mad right now.

[Mo]

I'm glad you're at least getting to a doctor, even though it sounds like your mom isn't taking things as seriously as she should. One thing I want to mention is that you have the right to see the doctor privately, without a parent in the room, and it sounds like this is something you may want to do so you can talk honestly about how you're feeling and maybe also mention your struggles to get your parents to take your situation seriously. If they don't automatically offer to see you privately (which I hope they will, but you never know), that's something you could ask the doctor directly or mention to the office staff when you make the appointment or check yourself in.

[0PT1M15T1C]

My mom said it’s on me to talk to the doctor and tell them why I’m here anyways so I’ll just say I want to go alone. I was planning on seeing the doctor alone anyways, but if I’m not there was transparency with the call and I had to talk about it with another therapist with my dad in the room so either way I’m going to stand up for myself on this one. I’ll try to post an update when this is done, we’re currently in the doctors office - health care is great here. I might just need some time after everything theres so many possibilities and some I don’t know how to prepare myself for because I have no idea what to expect. More than likely though, this being about mental health he’ll see me alone. I’m not seeing the doctor I thought I would today but that’s fine, I just really hope I like them.

[Mo]

I hope it goes well!

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah... so didn’t go great, basically I get to go to the ER either tonight or tomorrow morning, because they don’t do children’s psychiatry or handle anything around this and if he referred me it would be 6-12 months before I even saw one, apparently my therapist should refer me to the one where I go to therapy but even that’ll be a few months. So in the ER I’ll see a child’s psychiatrist and idk what’ll happen they probably won’t admit me, or even do anything, and I’ll have end up just having a follow up. This feels pointless. Oh yeah my mom is pissed and exhausted. Mentioned I was trans and don’t think he heard me so was misgendered the whole time, so like yay for me I guess.
I’m just really annoyed.. my moms annoyed and idk if this was even worth it.

[Mo]

That sounds really discouraging, I'm sorry.

[0PT1M15T1C]

What do I even do..? Like my parents are pissed, I’m not going to get help.. I don’t know what to do. I’m probably going home to be lectured or if we go to the ER my mom is going to be even more mad than she is now. Idk if it’s even worth it. Like I just feel so freaking stuck again. I don’t think anyone understands that I’m in pain. All the hopes I had are just shattered again and I hate it.

EDIT: Off to the hospital... she’s so freaking mad. Great... and so yeah, sure she’s so glad she had kids. My dad is taking my brother for an X Ray and I’m going to the hospital.

I think she thinks I want this or something. Like I’m so tired, I don’t want to be like this either. I don’t think she gets that. I hate this so freaking much. I don’t want to ruin her evening, I don’t want to be the reason she’s mad but is it so wrong for me to ask for a little freaking help with all of this? Like what happened and is still happening is traumatic and I need some extra support around this. Because these are “serious drugs” they’d prescribe me it kind of feels like they’re telling me I’m not bad enough - and I guess I’m seeing how the whole trans discussion I’m in would feel now - I don’t need help. Like damn, I wonder how many people lose their lives because of a broken system. Sending me all around the city is just keeping me busy and pissing my mom off. Like I get a half hour drive to the children’s hospital even though I can see a hospital from where I live. Oh yeah, they also wouldn’t talk about a diagnosis whatsoever and so I’m literally right where I started minus 3 hours of my life.

First thing I’m telling the next doctor I see is that I’m trans and to use he/him. And who knows, maybe I’ll be taken seriously?

Sorry maybe I’m just ranting but I’m so mad and hurt right now.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Okay, so I’m staying the night at the hospital, they want to keep me but gave me the choice as a mature minor to go home. My mom has to stay too so that’s a thing. She’s also allowed to leave and I’m not sooo. Currently 1:30 in the morning and am finally done everything, I’ll be assessed by a psychiatrist in the morning and most likely referred to another program (I believe they said urgent care sort of?) with a psychiatrist. They also have to do bloods to rule out any medical factors as to why this is happening - check if my thyroid is functioning properly and that I have good electrolytes or something.

My mom has kind of mellowed out about all of this and they have me hospital pjs and I look like a banana. Also, neon pink boxers was not the right choice because you can see the boxers because of the colour through the clothes so yeah. That’s a little weird. All the nurses are using the right pronouns and stuff and have been respectful around and we talked a little on gender. And so yeah, that’s kind of what’s going on right now.

I cried a little while we were waiting to be seen and my mom kind of talked to me about that. I’m glad the hospital isn’t blowing it off though.

[Siân]

Hey 0PT1M15T1C,

You've clearly had a really rough ride over the last day or two. I'm so glad your therapist has been advocating for you, and that you've been advocating for yourself too, even if your parents and doctors have been making that hard.

Being assessed as a mature minor sounds like a really positive thing. When I talked about "having capacity" way up thread, I was talking about the fact that in Canada your age is not what determines whether it's you or your parents who consent to your medical treatment - it's based on your own development and ability to understand the consequences. There's more info here, even if the language is super jargony. Why that's important is that if you can speak to the right doctors, they may be able to prescribe you the medication you need whether your mom says yes or not.

From everything you've said, I don't think a single one of us here doubts how bad your anxiety is, how awful the things you're dealing with are or that you are trans. I'm sorry that your parents don't recognise it too. I'm seriously impressed at how persistent you have been in seeking the care that you need, and how you've managed to absolutely rock your presentation, and recognise the things that are going well or that you're good at in the midst of this absolute shitstorm.

What's helping right now?

[0PT1M15T1C]

I can’t sleep right now, my moms asleep but I just can’t. But right now the things that are helping are listening to music, filming a little (Tik tok - it’s a good distraction) and then talking has been helpful. Doing breathing exercises is also helpful - I don’t like being in an unfamiliar environment. I guess this all has been a bit of a shitstorm. There’s just so much going on it’s hard to process it all. And I guess I’m still on edge about being here.

Outside if this it’s been mainly keeping myself busy and my sports. It’s not the healthiest but making it so I don’t have time to let my mind wander at all is helpful. Then also sticking by people I know and if somethings going on getting an adult around me to be aware and be able to stick around them.

As far as the mature minor part, I was aware it existed (when I got tested for STI’s after what happened they treated me as a mature minor.) The doctor said that at 15, they would treat me as a mature minor and explained that I could talk to anyone without my parent and that option would always be presented. So yeah, that’s cool. I’ve had my mom in the room for all the conversations just because it hasn’t been a big deal. I don’t know yet what may happen with meds but the nurse said she thinks it would most likely be a good idea.

Thank you again, I don’t know how many times I’ve said that in this thread but like it’s nice to have a place where no matter what I’m believed and seen as me.

[Siân]

Yeah, I don't think you can be expected to process it all in one go, and being on edge is a totally understandable reaction to being in an unfamiliar environment faced with a bunch of unknowns. It sounds like you have a lot of different things to help you cope a little better too, which is great.

I'm sure there will be more conversations with your healthcare providers in the morning about where to go from here, and I'm not surprised that sleep is hard to come by just now. It's probably worth giving it a shot though - I sometimes find a guided bodyscan helps when I have insomnia, and there are loads of apps out there. And when it doesn't work, I try to remember that my friend always tells me lying with your eyes close is still rest, and the next best thing.

You're so welcome, we're glad to have you here. It's morning where I am just now, so I'm going to pop out for groceries and log off for a bit. We'll be back later though, hang in there <3

[0PT1M15T1C]

I’ll definitely give it a go, a nurse will be poking me for blood soon so I have until then to get some rest. It’ll be a lot more hectic in the morning I’m sure and so maybe getting over the fact that people are going to walk by (we’re in our own room but like, windows. Even though the windows are tiny it feels weird to have it bright out there, with them all awake.) I’ll probably do a guided meditation thing or maybe a body scan and do that. Thank you! Definitely doing the best I can.

[0PT1M15T1C]

So, I’m on my way home now. We didn’t see the child psychiatrist there but I was referred to what’s called the urgent clinic which is the quickest way to see a child psychiatrist. The doctor came in at about 7 and talked to me about some of the things going on for me good and bad. Everyone was really nice to me, and although I didn’t really sleep I’m feeling a bit better. So it should be about 3 weeks and I’ll get a call for an appointment with her and that’ll be for gender and this other situation.
My mom noticed I was acting a little funny she hugged me and I just cried... I haven’t cried like that in a little while honestly. Like we talked about what’s going on and she said she’s really sorry she didn’t realize how bad it had gotten. She just let me cry for a little while, and we were able to leave.
The doctor told me just to hang on for a little while longer... that if I was able to do that I was going to get the help I really need and that I can do this... to stay strong with all of it..So I’m trying. Didn’t end up having my blood drawn but I don’t think that’s too big of a deal right now. This is really hard though... but idk, at the same time I still want to get through this.

[Sam W]

I'm so glad to hear that the support team where you went was so nice and so genuinely concerned with your wellbeing. It also sounds like maybe, just maybe, this has caused your mom to see just how urgent some of this stuff is, which could mean getting more of the care you need down the line. So, there may be yet another positive thing that results from what sounds like a really tough and intense few days.

Something I'd definitely encourage you to do is take time over the next few days to look after yourself and do some self-care. Not just in the "do things that help you relax or are pleasant, positive distractions" way, but also any things that the care team you worked with or your therapist has recommended to help you with mental health stuff.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, in the room she asked me if I wanted her to pull me out of the school I'm in, I said I didn't know because like I have really built a lot there, and I shouldn't have to leave another school because of the person, but we plan to have sort of a meeting with my dad later to see where we want to go with this. While we were there and in the midst of my early morning cry sesh, I kind of explained the way I feel about the stalking and why, because I know she's not going to be the one to physically hurt me, and my parents kind of saw it as irrational that she'd have someone else do it, but even being followed daily. I explained how terrifying just being constantly followed is and how much I've had to give up and she just held me and listened. So I think honestly, yeah, that's a positive because finally I let her in and let her see the pain I'm in.

Okay, for sure. I'll definitely be doing some of that, I think the next few days in general are going to be taken pretty lightly anyways. Breathing and body scans are great so I'll do that, honestly I think I'm going to stay home just to prevent stress, my brother has a band performance which I'm sure he and his band will do amazing, but I don't think I need the noise, the crowd, even just being in a public place right now. As well as working on some of the exercises I have (that I cannot explain in a good way) will be good. I've been in tears since I got home though, waiting is the really hard part and knowing that for those 2-4 weeks I'm without help for the most part. For now though, I ate breakfast with my mom, I'm going to take a shower and/or bath. Like I just really hope this doesn't get any worse, you know? Like the stalking and stuff it just needs to stop... Like we have what's called student services at my school and this person walked in to grab the key to the gender neutral bathrooms and they let me wait in a different room until she came back and dropped the key off but what my counsellor said was the person at student services has always noticed this person be really respectful and nice to her, but the person at student services saw the way this person looked at me when she walked in, and saw it was a huge personality switch noticeable to her. She said she saw the hatred and that come out. I wasn't supposed to find that part out but my counsellor is really transparent with me about everything and I believe she's vouching for me too, I have to add her to the email thread. So I think focusing on the fact that it's clear to outside people that something is going on and just trying to make it through by utilising the tools I do have available.

Also I'm just really hoping that I might actually be able to look into hormones and medication, like that part I'm really really happy for.

EDIT: Okay, so my mom ended up talking to one of her friends because she was curious, she knew she worked at a hospital but not which one and not what she did. So, my brought up what was going on and that gender dysphoria was an issue, and her friend thanked her for letting her know because she was really struggling with what pronouns to call me because she's known me for some time, back when my parents called me she and stuff. BUT she mentioned that there's a doctor who specializes in this area and mentioned she had knows someone who got into that clinic and would get the details on how to do that because my mom while we watched the video seemed like really okay, the main focus was this kid, my age starting testosterone and she seemed almost for it because they specialize in getting you on hormones and that's what my mom's looking into right now. Oh my gosh like what. She like really wants to get me into a gender clinic and I said, yeah the problem is the gender clinics in my province (there's 3 total with doctors who can do this) have a two year wait list and so she said "Well then, we need to get you on that wait list then."
I don't know for sure what will come from this but like that caught me so off guard and I'm really happy about it. Like she really didn't seem against hormones at all when we talked a little about it. Like woah. This is all just kind of weird because there's periods where absolutely nothing happens and then times like this where so much happens so fast and I don't even know where to begin. I just want to be cautious around getting my hopes up is the main thing. Like I don't want to hinge myself on any sort of treatment whatsoever because it can all change so fast and be taken away so fast.

[Sam W]

It sounds like you've already got some ideas on how to look after yourself over the next few days and weeks, which is awesome. Sometimes, if we know we've got a period coming up that's going to be tough on our emotional or mental health, even just having a plan for how we'll address those feelings or do self-care over that time can make a big dent in how stressed we feel by everything.

I totally get that feeling of not wanting to get your hopes up around hormones/blockers and how things have been going with your mom, especially if you notice there are periods where lots happens and then things sort of stall out. That being said, I'm glad it seems like things are finally progressing in the direction of you getting the care you need when it comes to your gender and transition.

[0PT1M15T1C]

So, bit of an update:

So, I had an orthodontist appointment and so I was late to school yesterday, everything was going really quite amazing... until I got to school. So, she was there and caught up and walked to my locker and waited while I went into a different area past my locker and tried not to pass out because it caught me so off guard. Went to class and couldn’t settle so I had to go to student services and tried my best to settle there, then later in the day it got bad again and I texted the constable just in a complete panic, really not in a good state and she told me to come to student services again, I said no and she called my teacher and after a minute I agreed to come down, and my teacher walked me there because of the call which I’m assuming said “keep an eye on him” - she’s the teacher that knows this is happening btw - I talked to the constable for quite a while, I gave her my pills (on my own, she didn’t ask, I was just able to let her know and give them to her), she searched the rest of my bag and we came up with a plan for how to address everything and keep myself safe. My grandparents are in town, and visiting today, so we’ll check in today, if I’m still feeling bad, we might go to the hospital, and she’ll wait with me. I’m doing my best right now with everything and holding on. Im really grateful for her, she’s been really supportive of all of this and is willing to do a lot to help me. She doesn’t think any less of me for this and it means a lot to have that. Yesterday it was just a full blown panic attack that I really couldn’t handle well, I was on edge for the rest of the day. I really want to just scream and say everything she’s done to me and how it’s affected me, I want to ask her if it makes her happy but I know that’s not a good idea and I can’t bring myself to speak at all when I see her. My breathing took so long to settle this morning and that was a problem, I just stayed at my locker for a few minutes sitting going through a breathing exercise and when I was decent enough, went to class. Neither of my friends were there (I have other friends but like, my immediate, best friends) and so I was on my own to deal with it all, today I made a really good target. It still just hurts to see that she finds it funny, because it’s not to me. It really hurts... today was the first time the constable has seen me cry. I checked in with the school this morning and my assistant principal really cares a lot.. I just feel really stuck right now I guess.

Thankfully last night went better with my grandparents, my family is Ukrainian and actually, the constables family is too so we joked a lot about perogies. I’m just trying the best I can, this really isn’t easy.

Really kind of leaning towards going back to the hospital. Also really still just wanting to scream at the stalker, they never should have done any of what they are doing. It’s not a bad thing to have to go to the hospital and the school is leaning towards that too... I really don’t get how you do this to someone. Like she’s literally destroyed who I was an still, that’s not good enough for her.

ALSO. The constable didn’t know about the gun for a profile picture which was insane to me. So yeah, now she knows about that.

[Sam W]

Ooof, that all sounds really scary and tough. I'm glad the constable has been someone you've felt safe involving in this, and that she does seem to be taking this seriously.

If checking back in at the hospital seems like the safest option for you, then that sounds like the path to pursue (even if, as you pointed out, it remains incredibly unfair that you're having to make choices like this while this person continues to find some level of amusement or power in stalking you). This would also be a time to bring in your counselor or other people in your mental healthcare support team, to see if they have recommendations about what might be the course of action that lets you take the most care of yourself.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I’ve been involving people, my AP is aware of all of this and I talked to her yesterday, my school counsellor knows and I have an appointment with her today, my teachers are taking it pretty easy it seems. I have a math test and my teacher is being pretty chill about all of this, if I’m not able to do the test we’ll sort it out and that’ll be fine. I’ll be talking to my counsellor a bit about high school and what my plans are for that, what courses I need and such. I’ll bring up what’s going on and see what I can do for sure, but she’s been in the loop of everything.

The person is here today and I’m a bit on edge just because that’s not easy for me. I’ve got my friends though, my mom is being really supportive of this all.

I think I’m doing everything I can to stay safe, and take action. Idk, maybe there’s something else I can be doing but Im thinking that’s not the case. Keeping myself distracted helps a lot, and so I’m doing my best to do that and focus on self care. All my teachers know me well enough to know that this isn’t who I am, and that me missing some class to focus on my mental health isn’t going to make me fall behind. So that’s nice, I still understand all the material. None of my teachers have been rude about it whatsoever.

COVID-19 might get me a break though. Like 20 cases in my province and so the school said if we feel sick at all they are really advising we stay home and that the school will help support our learning from home.

I didn’t end up going to the hospital yesterday after talking it through with my AP and my mom. It’s a lot of check ins with how things are feeling often.

[Sam W]

It sounds like you're getting more and more support at school, or at the very least the sense that if you need to take steps (like not attending classes or needing other accommodations) the adults in your life will support you around them. Hopefully that can help mitigate all the crummy parts of this situation.

Is there a way (within the bounds of things we as a service can offer) that we can best support you around this right now? It's okay, by the way, if the answer is "no" or "have this thread be a space to vent or process the stuff that keeps happening."