:(

[sky]

i really hate that i’m back again. i’m gonna try my best to make this a last time thing. i've just had a rough day in general and don’t know what happened but i started to remember this experience i had where i was sexually harassed/assaulted, then i remembered another experience and then another experience that happened and my body just went into panic mode. i was literally just watching tv and i was in complete fight or flight mode and i was just thinking them over and that’s it’s all my fault.

i haven’t really told people about these experiences and i haven’t told my therapist because i didn’t think they bothered me that much, and then tonight hit me hard. even typing this now i feel like it’s hard to breathe. i started to write it all down so that i had a clear head to discuss it with my therapist. i couldn’t finish it, maybe i’ll try again tomorrow. i just feel like all 3 situations were my fault. i did something to get touched and i never said stop or no but i was squirming or pulling away and they didn’t stop.

will this always happen? me get triggered about it. i’m not talking about the sexual harassment at work, that’s still continuing by the way! but i brought that up to my coworker whose like my mom and she was in disbelief that the guy did that and then she told me that he’s not a bad guy and that he does it because i laugh. i laugh because i’m panicked, i don’t know what else to do. i try and walk away and he doesn’t get that. she told me he does it because he thinks i like it and that it’s not his fault he’s doing it. i got mad about it but maybe she’s right. i just don’t know what to do when stuff happens. i’m not reporting it, he does it to most women and especially me because i apparently “have the best ass in the store”. i’ve tried binding, ive worn cologne, i’ve just not even talked. stuff still happens and it makes me feel awful. i think i want and am ready to talk about it all in therapy but i don’t know yet.

[Heather]

You know, there's nothing wrong with using this resource. We make it and maintain it precisely *so* people can use it. It's okay for you to use it. This doesn't have to be a last time if it's something that works for you.

I'm still going to maintain my strong feelings that it would be best if you take the steps to report your sexual harassment at work. Someone telling you why it is your fault is not someone who can give you sound advice about this because that person clearly doesn't understand how sexual harassment works and also clearly isn't someone who is going to advocate for you or others in your workplace being harassed.

Sexual harassment is not happening to you because you laugh to try and survive, manage and cope with harassment: you might even be doing it in part to try and protect yourself. Often in workplaces, a lot of sexual harassment is men doing it to women or femmes, and it can be made to seem like you can minimize it by kind of going along, trying to be one of the boys. Women do this to try and cope in these settings a LOT. It's also very normal for people to laugh when they are anxious, nervous or scared. No matter what, how YOU cope isn't why this happens.

Sexual harassment happens when people -- more often men, because patriarchy, but not always -- want to gain power over someone else -- more often women and femmes, see previous -- and do it via sexual means. It is common at workplaces under patriarchy because it's been part of male power at work for forever, particularly since men had to start letting women into more of "their" workplaces. Patriarchy isn't your fault. Men at work being awful isn't your fault. And you know what, pardon my french, but f*ck that coworker: men who do this ARE being bad guys. Abusing people is bad guy stuff.

Again, I maintain that you report it, and it sounds like the best way would be for you and others suffering from it to band together in this. I'd be happy to direct you to resources for this, including local legal resources if you want them. But I also respect that this is your choice, and if you don't want to report it, I respect that.

In that event, I'd say it sounds like it's time to find a new job, and were this me and I wasn't reporting, I'd be putting all my time and energy into that (been there, more than once, especially having worked in the era before we had sexual harassment policies and laws like we do now).

But none of this is your fault. I do hope you talk to your therapist about it. And by all means, this stuff can be deeply traumatizing and damaging and can stir up PTSD from other things or create it all by itself. Your coworker sounds tremendously ignorant about sexual harassment at work, how prevalent it is, and how it works: this isn't minor or harmless. It has impacts. I'm sorry you're experiencing some of them so painfully.

[sky]

thank you heather, you’re a wonder human i did make an appointment and i’m going to talk to her about this. the day i opened up to my coworker was the day he showed me a video of a girl moving her dress and showing her boobs. i realize it’s just boobs, i like boobs, but like, to be shown in the middle of the produce department without any warning, he just came up to me and said look what my friend sent me and he showed me.

i don’t want to report him, 100%. i reported someone else at this same job and they believed me (i’m really grateful for that) he didn’t deny anything and he was suspended and then later fired. i feel horribly about it, still. he went around and told everyone at work and some people were assholes about it to me but it all blew over but i was blamed for him losing his job.

i just don’t understand why this stuff has happened. i don’t understand why i’ve been felt up on every part of my body at a bar, being forced on him and him getting a boner and pressing it against me. i didn’t ask. i didn’t want it. i’m not even that pretty, i wear jeans and a v neck like every day and have my hair in a messy bun. i don’t understand the reason why people are attracted to me. i’ve been told by the same coworker that it’s because i’m insecure and they can see it and they don’t want to like get what they want with me is what she said in a nut shell.

[Heather]

That coworker engaged in a sexual abuse. This is exactly the kind of abuse that Clarence Thomas was engaging in with Anita Hill (who we have to thank for having sexual harassment protections in the U.S. today). There's no "just." It's a serious abuse at work.

And yes, when abusive people lose their jobs or otherwise have to deal with the consequences of their behavior they often respond like abusive people do. It's not wrong for someone who is making a workplace unsafe to be asked to leave it: nothing could be more right. You and all your coworkers deserve and are entitled to a safe workplace, and anyone who works there needs to be able to manage their own behaviour in the basic ways that keep it safe for everyone. You didn't do anything wrong by reporting, and he SHOULD have been fired.

This isn't about you. The things you have described here happen to people -- most often women, femmes and nonbinary people -- all around the world every minute of every day. This isn't about what's the matter with any and all of us -- the millions and millions of us -- this happens to or has happened to. It's about systems of power and how people enact and exploit them. It's not about being pretty or not, or about people being attracted to us, even. It's not about anyone being confused and thinking we wanted something (they know we don't, that's the whole point). It's about power and patriarchy; about oppression and abuse.

It sounds to me like you might not be familiar with a lot of this theory, and I think it might be really good for you to get more so. It's much easier to self-blame when we aren't well educated about all of this in the bigger picture, IMHO. If you'd like, I'd be happy to suggest some places to start. I'm usually inclined to suggest books, magazines or films to people, based on the ways they find most accessible to them to learn, so hit me up if you want some suggestions. <3

[sky]

literally just now a coworker sent me a picture of his friends ass? what? i wanna leave this job but all this just is going to follow me. this is why i’ve left every job i’ve had. because harassment.

[sky]

probably should have noted that she was in shorts, super short ones but her ass was out. i still don’t appreciate that!

[Heather]

Sexual harassment is certainly pervasive, particularly for women/femmes/NB folks, with a majority reporting they have experienced it. But it's also more common in certain industries. Do you mind sharing what kind of workplaces you're usually in?

[sky]

retail! walgreens, i came out when i worked there and i was being literally like thrown shit at me and turning people against me, by someone my same age. panera i quit because i was being groped and i threatened to be taken advantage of by a female manager and it was reported by someone who witnessed and nothing happened. and now kroger

[Heather]

Ugh, yeah, low-wage retail is one of the worst when it comes to sexual harassment. That's true statistically, but boy, do I also remember that for myself.

What kind of help are you looking for an open to with this?

[sky]

yeah, that’s what i get for dropping out my 5th year of high school ha ha ha ha i’m very intelligent. and i don’t know really, i guess just talk about it and get insight. sometimes i feel like i’m being dramatic but my ptsd is just so bad sometimes. like today after the picture incident, i was at the doctors office and the fire alarm went off and i have seen my home burn down before and so it just made my whole body shut down. i’m just tired of shutting down constantly because i’m weak

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

I think it's less something you "get" for dropping out and more the sheer lack of respect or entitlement people feel towards retail and service workers.

It can definitely be frustrating to feel like PTSD is flaring up and impeding your ability to move through your day. But I don't think it's weakness to be affected by things that are traumatic or stressful, even if it's aggravating and scary when it happens. But that frustration and exhaustion is definitely something to raise in conversations with mental healthcare providers, and a space to look into resources for moving through the world while dealing with PTSD.

[sky]

so today i was at work and the guy who always harasses me has a bunch of women who shop there that he sleeps with and hangs out with (i don’t get how he has dates and sex all the time, how do people not see right through him?!) anyways, one of the girls he sees all the time came in with her daughter and she’s about 13-15 and he was like “hey alyssa are you being good” and as he said it she crossed her arms and was like covering her body with them and she seemed so scared?

i felt so icky!!!! i can’t help but feel like he’s like super creepy to others not just me? is there something i can do? he even acts weird towards his daughter i’ve seen once. i feel like shit?

[al]

I'm so sorry to hear that, sky. It's pretty awful to watch things like that happen, especially when you yourself have been the victim of that harassment or abuse both at the hands of that person and at others.

Is this the type of thing that you might feel comfortable talking with a manager about? Even if you don't want to disclose your own personal experiences, it might be helpful to at least share that you're seeing someone enacting predatory or inappropriate behavior. If you've experienced it, and seen him do it to others, I be that you have other coworkers that have experienced it too.
That is one of the powers of reporting/speaking up that I like to talk about with others - even if you don't want to pursue any actions, or you don't think that what you've experienced merits taking action, it also lets someone who has power in the workplace (and ideally, someone who has a responsibility to prevent this kind of thing from happening) know what's going on. They could have noticed something themselves, or heard from others who have experienced the same thing, and with that whole picture they might have more of a case/reason to do something.
That being said, I know that reporting is a pretty personal choice, especially when it has to do with employment and access to money/resources. But sticking with what Heather said way up at the top - if reporting doesn't seem like an option that you want to go with, you might want to spend your energy on finding an environment that feels safer for you.

[sky]

i understand what you mean and are saying but i can’t report him. he makes these weird ass comments to me too sometimes that hint at rape culture. like oh you’ll like it once you do it! i don’t wanna do it! idk he just, is a different type of person. he’s funny and makes me laugh a lot and then makes me not wanna laugh because he talks about my smile all the time. he’s not always creepy and dirty and when he’s not that’s when he’s funny. i can’t report or talk to manager, especially with everything happening now, work is insane busy and pretty much empty because everyone keeps panic buying

[sky]

i don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about it. i love my job honestly. it’s just things are shitty sometimes there. there was awhile that i actually was thinking about going out with him. but i just know that if i did he would try something and i probably wouldn’t be ready and he would get mad. that’s what i always thought, idk why i even gave him the thought.

[al]

Hey sky,

I get what you're saying about him not always acting this way, and that he can genuinely be funny or make you laugh at times. But that doesn't erase the other stuff, that's really not okay.
But you definitely have some valid concerns about how difficult things are at work right now, and feeling like you don't want to leave your job. Ultimately, the choice to report/not report or stay/go is solely yours. I just want to make sure that you're honoring your discomfort and experience, because people who have gone through difficult and traumatic things (myself included) tend to minimize their own experiences because they don't want to "make waves", or because they're experiencing self-doubt and guilt that they've picked up from others.

How can we support you moving forward?

[sky]

i’m okay! i don’t need more support on this matter. thank you so much. i’m going to just try and move on from everything but then it makes me feel shitty because like if you buy someone mcdonald’s and then they have a heart attack right after you’ll feel responsible (terrible example but i couldn’t think of something else). i feel like if i don’t say something and he continues to harass or even do more, it’s all my fault. but it’s not i just have to move on and that’s pretty shitty of me?

[sky]

also, i’m gonna be honest. my moms been raped and molested and sexually harassed a lot in her life. i tell her about the things that happen at work and she’s like man that sucks and when i reported that last person she did everything in her power to get me not too. she begged me and told me i was making a mistake by doing so. before i reported him i would stand in my department waiting for him to come in while i would hyperventilate hoping and praying he didn’t come in and go into the cooler when i did because my counselor told me to not be away from cameras.

she thought that was okay that i had to cry at work everyday in fear that he would come back and say stuff to me and hold my hand and tell me he would throw loads and loads of cum on my face. etc. if i did something this time i would have to deal with her all over again and i just like can’t handle it again. she’s got the worst i’m a victim mindset and she puts it on me and it’s

[Mo]

When you're feeling shitty about the situation, I hope you can keep in mind that ultimately the fault for harassment is on the person who's taking that action. Whether you choose to report this or any other harassment or not, you aren't at fault if it continues; that's a choice the harasser is making and not something you have the responsibility or ability to stop. I know you know this already, but it's the sort of thing that can be helpful to remind yourself of from time to time.

[Heather]

You doing okay, sky?

[sky]

hey! sorry, i stepped away from a lot of stuff for a couple days. my depression was really bad and i told a friend (she’s the older one who i’m madly in love with) that i was feeling suicidal and she said if i want to do the poor poor me stuff that’s fine but to stop telling her. i’m doing better today then i have been the past few days. i’m scheduling an appointment for therapy again with a new therapist. i thought i could handle not having one but i definitely cannot do this alone. so, yes and no, i’m just a little lost and hopeless but, i’ll be okay, i have no thanks for checking

[Karyn]

Hey, sky. I'm so sorry to hear that your friend responded that way: it's never a good feeling to hear that kind of thing from someone we care about. I am really glad you're connecting with a new therapist though, and I hope they're someone who's a good fit for you. In the meantime, do you have anyone else you can reach out to in person for some support?

Edited to add that you can always come here for support, but sometimes it's nice to have a friend you can reach out to as well.

[sky]

yeah i have a few friends but i’d rather just keep it silent, i can do it on my own for now

[Karyn]

Understandable. We're always here too if you even just want to get stuff off your chest.

[sky]

thank you!! it just really hurts when you don’t have any friends and when you feel like it would be better if you disappeared. sometimes i try and not talk so that i’m not making any noise but i’m still taking up space. does that make sense?