Anxiety in relationship

[kiiiimibela]

Hi, I need some advice.

I’ve been feeling so anxious about this for awhile now. So let me give you a backstory. My boyfriend contacted his ex a while ago, around christmas to january they were talking and playing a multiplayer game behind my back. He would tell me he’s going to sleep but I caught him playing with her. One time I snooped on his phone and saw them talking to each other again he wished her a merry christmas and a happy new year too. This all happened behind my back. So after I snooped since I felt very heavy, I wanted to address it to him but at first he got very mad. He was mad that I snooped on his phone completely ignoring the reason why I did and what I found, but then he said he’s going to block her on everything and delete the game, and he did. After a short while I check on his phone and he did do what he said he will. I check every few weeks or so.

But I still can’t seem to feel relieved. I keep worrying about it, I dont want to talk about it to him again because he’ll probably just get upset that “I don’t trust him”. I keep feeling like he’s probably talking to her behind my back again. I keep feeling like “if he lied to me about it before maybe he’s lying to me again about it”. Its so unhealthy for me to think like this. I also keep on checking the game if he went on it and he havent, I’ve been checking his ex’s account too. I feel like i’m obsessive over her because i keep checking every social media she has. I hate feeling this way, at this point i dont know what to do anymore. I want to trust him on this so bad because it seems to me he’s not doing it again but theres always a voice behind my back that he’s probably doing it again and is just doing a good job on hiding it. Please, I need help. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[Sam W]

Hi kiiiimibela,

I'll address the worries in your question in a second, but first I want to check on some things about this relationship in general. I'm assuming this is the same boyfriend you've had for awhile now. If so, are those things you mentioned in previous posts--him yelling and scaring you, saying hurtful things to you--still happening?

With these worries about his ex, there are a few things you can do. The first is to ask yourself why you're finding it difficult to trust him about this. Is that fear coming from feelings about how you measure up to his ex? From ways he's acted in the past? Something else?

The next thing you can do is put blocks in place on social media to stop you from checking on her. That checking is only serving to make your anxiety worse, without giving you anything productive to do to address the underlying problems. Likewise, if you're still checking his phone, that needs to stop too. Both because it's not respectful of his privacy, but also because if you feel you truly can't trust him that much, that's a sign that there are things in this relationship that need addressing, and putting your energy towards those will be more helpful to you in the long run.

[kiiiimibela]

Hi Sam,

Yes it has stopped for awhile now. He promised to help himself control it and he’s been doing good with it. He’s keeping reflections about his emotions and other stuff whenever he gets upset.

I’m finding it difficult to trust him with this because of what he’s done. Since he’s lied to me about this in the past its just so hard to not worry about this for me.

Do you have any suggestions how I could stop myself from checking his phone and his ex’s profile etc.? How do I address this problem? I really don’t want it to cause any fights or anything, cause at times he gets very defensive. I really want to overcome this it just seems so hard.

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear he's been taking actual steps to improve and to help make the relationship safer for you.

With not checking his ex's profile, depending on the platform you can block or mute or unfollow her. And then, with both the social media and his phone, you just sort of have to make a deal with yourself not to check it. It sounds a little like you're checking it in hopes of soothing your anxiety, so what may work is to find another soothing or distracting thing to do when you feel that urge.

It makes sense that if this is something he's been dishonest about in the past, you'd have a harder time trusting him about it now. Are there things that would make it easier for you to trust him? For instance, what is communication between you two usually like? Do you feel like you each can discuss insecurities or worries honestly?

[kiiiimibela]

The communication is usually fine, when I mentioned though that I’ve been a bit anxious about him and his ex two days ago he got a bit defensive and asked me why it matters. He also got upset cause he felt like I don't trust him. But then after a short while, since I withdrew from him being upset, he mentioned it nicely that I’m the only person he loves and stuff like that and that there’s nothing to worry about. For some reason I still don’t feel confident, it felt so nice being reassured, however, I can’t get my mind off of the worries. I kind of want to fix this myself because I don’t really want to bother him about this again. And I don’t know how to approach him about this anymore if I do need to.

[Sam W]

Can I ask if you tend to be pretty anxious in general? Or is it only about this one aspect of your relationship?

It may also help to read through this article, since it addresses issues like trust: Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship. Do the things in that article feel present in your relationship? If not, do they feel doable?