I don't have body dysphoria

[CaptainWildRose]

Hello! I'm transgender (MtF) and I've been thinking about my body a lot recently and I've noticed that i have very little if any body dysphoria like other trans people have had and i was wondering if this means I'm not actually trans?

I've felt okay in my body for the most part but never felt like i needed to change it drastically.

I have however felt uncomfortable using male bathrooms but that might just be a preference i guess.

Any advice?

[Sam W]

Hi CaptainWildRose,

So, how much body dysphoria a trans person experiences can be really varied. Some trans people experience it as a near-constant, others have it come and go, and others experience very little or none. There's no minimum amount of dysphoria that someone has to have in order to "count" as trans (although it used to be that a certain amount of dysphoria was considered necessary for accessing certain resources, but many care providers now realize that kind of gatekeeping ends up hurting people). I really like how this article addresses this question: Trans Summer School: Am I Trans Enough?. Mo also gives some really thoughtful advice to a similar question here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... the_identi.

Does any of that help?

[CaptainWildRose]

Those were nice to read, thank you

I'm still curious as to what other people think on this though.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I can definitely answer a bit partially based off personal experience, I’m transgender ftm and have been out and transitioned for about 5 years now.

There’s a few different pieces I picked up on from this, part of that is I’ve been learning more that there isn’t a “right” way to be trans, kind of like Sam brought up. I think honestly, if you feel like that label fits you, there’s a reason, be it personal preference, experience, dysphoria, etc. If you think it’s a term that fits for you, that’s fine, if not, that’s fine too.

For me I’m a person who definitely experiences dysphoria, usually quite consistently. There’s definitely times though where it’s mellow and doesn’t bother me at all though. There’s times where honestly, I don’t really mind my body, but I don’t think that makes me any less trans, just because sometimes I can make peace with it you know?

One thing I would do is ask yourself why you think you identify as trans (I did this when I was first questioning, particularly because everyone around me just thought I would end up gay), for me the first thought that comes up is because I can never picture myself ever being a girl, I’ve always wished I could wake up like the other guys, and knowing how intense the discomfort can be for me. If you feel like you’re trans, that’s cool.

The first thing I thought reading the bathroom piece was honestly that bathrooms are just weird all together, but please whatever you do, keep safety in mind. If you feel more comfortable using the women’s restrooms (and I always advise that you pass, just for safety but that’s a choice you make), then use the women’s restroom. I cannot stand being in the women’s restroom or locker room partially just because of the way people act when they see me (e.g. pulling their kid in right, acting scared, telling me I’m in the wrong bathroom), and thankfully, my mom allows me to use the men’s restroom now - but there’s still an EXTREMELY IMPORTANT sense of awareness and safety there.

Whatever you feel you need to do to your body or don’t need to do to feel comfortable is up to you. I mean, it’s your body, so therefor your choice.

I hope this helped at least a little?

[CaptainWildRose]

Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts, any little bit help honestly.

I'm very closeted, I've only told two people in my family, mainly due to the fact that my family is conservative Christian and won't accept me if they knew.

However, as for why i think I'm trans is, i never felt like i was trans until around 13, i started finding girls more attractive and eventually wanted to be a girl with a girlfriend, i like womens clothing, their looks, hair, ect, not trying to sound weird but I just love the idea of expressing myself like that if i ever can.

Like i said, i have very little body dysphoria but i always dream of waking up as a women and having a girlfriend.

So I'm quite conflicted about if these feelings are just a phase really or if their real ya know?

Also i will be safe because i can't come out or transition at the moment so I'll be fine, for the most part.

[transfemandgay]

Hi there, CaptainWildRose!

As like the others said, you don't need any amount of dysphoria to be trans. The only person that can say if you're trans is yourself. From personal experience being trans mtf, I can tell you that not only does the amount and severity of dysphoria vary by person, but can also vary with time. When I was 8 or 9, my bottom dysphoria used to be really bad and I would go into (confusing) depressive episodes about why I couldn't have been born with a vagina. Then, when I went into ninth and tenth grade and actually identified as trans, I started accepting my penis as a symbol of my femininity and sexuality and my bottom dysphoria gradually lessened, except for the occasional episode. I'm still just as trans as when I was 8 as I am now, though! And there's nothing wrong with being a woman comfortable with the body you were born in. As for using the bathroom, maybe you don't feel body dysphoria, but being uncomfortable with using the male bathroom could be related to social dysphoria. Have you ever experienced any kind of social dysphoria before?

I also don't think it's weird to enjoy the idea of expressing yourself in a way that you enjoy. I actually had the same experience when figuring out I'm trans in ninth grade. The thought of just being a full girl (especially with a girlfriend) was so much more comforting and felt more right to me, which I'm pretty sure is a kind of gender euphoria.

But, before then I had "phases" where I used the label genderfluid and even non-binary, both of which lasted a few months in the same year before settling on trans mtf. It is not my place to tell you whether or not it's just a phase, only time and your experience will tell. However, I can tell you that it is perfectly fine if this is just a phase. Going through a phase is just coming closer to figuring out who you are, and if it only lasts a few months or a few years, then that's okay. There is almost no permanent state of self, and living in constant change is what brings us closer to our true selves.

Anyway, sorry if this response feels disconnected between the first and second half, you posted in the time between me writing the first half and the second half.

[CaptainWildRose]

Hi there, CaptainWildRose!

As like the others said, you don't need any amount of dysphoria to be trans. The only person that can say if you're trans is yourself. From personal experience being trans mtf, I can tell you that not only does the amount and severity of dysphoria vary by person, but can also vary with time. When I was 8 or 9, my bottom dysphoria used to be really bad and I would go into (confusing) depressive episodes about why I couldn't have been born with a vagina. Then, when I went into ninth and tenth grade and actually identified as trans, I started accepting my penis as a symbol of my femininity and sexuality and my bottom dysphoria gradually lessened, except for the occasional episode. I'm still just as trans as when I was 8 as I am now, though! And there's nothing wrong with being a woman comfortable with the body you were born in. As for using the bathroom, maybe you don't feel body dysphoria, but being uncomfortable with using the male bathroom could be related to social dysphoria. Have you ever experienced any kind of social dysphoria before?

I also don't think it's weird to enjoy the idea of expressing yourself in a way that you enjoy. I actually had the same experience when figuring out I'm trans in ninth grade. The thought of just being a full girl (especially with a girlfriend) was so much more comforting and felt more right to me, which I'm pretty sure is a kind of gender euphoria.

But, before then I had "phases" where I used the label genderfluid and even non-binary, both of which lasted a few months in the same year before settling on trans mtf. It is not my place to tell you whether or not it's just a phase, only time and your experience will tell. However, I can tell you that it is perfectly fine if this is just a phase. Going through a phase is just coming closer to figuring out who you are, and if it only lasts a few months or a few years, then that's okay. There is almost no permanent state of self, and living in constant change is what brings us closer to our true selves.

Anyway, sorry if this response feels disconnected between the first and second half, you posted in the time between me writing the first half and the second half.

Thank you for sharing

I've heard of social dysphoria before but I'm not to sure what it means, can you give me a few examples?

And on a different note, if i am trans, i don't know how to be a girl, at all, or how one should feel i guess?

It's weird talking about it, but I've recently started looking at my emotions, how i think and how i react and i notice my traits, kindness, empathy, caring, as more associated with girls than boys.

And other than that, i didn't have a father around to teach me how to be a "man" so i almost have always felt a disconnect from that anyways.

Sorry if these don't seem to coherent, I'm typing whatever comes to mind lol

[transfemandgay]

So from my understanding social dysphoria is less about who you are and more how you present. So for example, I experience body dysphoria because my flat chest doesn't match the chest that matches my gender (A-B cups). However, I experience social dysphoria because, due to my circumstances, I have to dress in ways that don't match my gender (T-shirts and hoodies instead of dresses and skirts). Some other examples of social dysphoria I can think of are:

• Being referred to by the wrong name and pronouns
• Using facilities that do not match your gender
• Dressing in ways that do not match your gender
• Discomfort with assumptions being made about your gender based on how you appear
• Discomfort about not "passing"
• Discomfort with assumptions being made about your role as a person based on how you appear

This is definitely not a full list, but if any of those sound familiar then you may have social dysphoria.

Also, there is no right way to be a girl. You don't have to dress or talk a certain way, like certain things, have certain hobbies, or have a certain personality to be a girl. And, it's perfectly okay if being feminine in ways society expects is what makes you feel like a girl, too. I don't have much experience in being in the "mindset" of a girl, at least, I haven't really noticed extensively, but it's great you've noticed you act and feel more like a girl!

[CaptainWildRose]

Thank you again for helping.

I can definitely relate with most of that list.

Whenever I'm out and about i see cute girls and wish i was them and had what they had, however due to this fascination really i always felt disgusted to myself and almost perverted, which is a mindset I'm struggling with.

Also, i hope your circumstances get better and that you can be and live as yourself

[transfemandgay]

There's nothing perverted or disgusting at all about experiencing dysphoria. It's okay to be envious of cis presenting girls for being able to live the life you wish you had. I hope one day your circumstances change too and that you're able to be who you really are without having to hide it.

[CaptainWildRose]

Thank you so much for helping and giving advice. I hope you stay safe out there.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I think there's definitely been a lot of information but there's a few pieces I definitely want to go back and touch on real quick.

I'm really sorry to hear about your family situation, I know how hard that can be and I hope that gets better. I also want to let you know that part of being closeted, for me at least involved a lot of confusion (granted, I have to factor age at the time into this). There were times where I did wonder if I was just a masculine girl and I personally believe this was primarily due to outside pressure because I knew it would be "easier". So I definitely get that sense of being unsure, and that's okay, again, however you feel is okay. Also, not knowing if you're feeling like a girl, I had those questions for a little bit and then I'd remember those hopes of being a guy, for me that was kind of pushing the whole tomboy thing, because tomboys don't want to BE boys. I guess just letting yourself explore those feelings may be helpful?

I wonder if you've really talked to any of your friends about this, I know a person (mtf) who was in a pretty similar situation for some time, although I believe now is on hormones. For quite a while she couldn't come out and then afterwards, there was issues at home surrounding that because they didn't support her at first. Having her friends played a major role (although I'm realizing typing this out, it's probably not an option at this moment with the pandemic), what they kind of did was she would do her makeup at school, usually change into something more feminine at school, etc. Honestly, I think she's gorgeous and she's made so much progress, but it took time!

I do agree a lot with what transfemandgay said about there's not right way to be a girl really, but there's also the factor that it's new, it'll take time once you're able to explore that more. For me I wouldn't say I had to learn to be a guy per say, but I've found over time I've definitely I guess become more of a masc fitting person if that makes any sense, I've learned and some of this was me trying and other parts of it was just it happening but my voice definitely doesn't sound feminine, I definitely picked up mannerisms that are typically seen as masculine, as well as some other things. What I'm trying to get at, is over time and finding what and how you enjoy expressing yourself changes and typically just because natural, it's kind of weird to explain, so I hope that makes sense in some way.

Also, yeah I find I often catch myself comparing to cis guys and I definitely feel jealous or envious of them, there's nothing really wrong with that. For me, it came from the idea that they do have it quite a bit easier compared to me, they weren't beaten up for being different, they usually always know who they are and don't really have to question it. I remember I asked my teacher if she ever felt anything similar to what I was, and the answer was "honestly, no. I've always known I was a girl and have had a strong sense of that my whole life" - that's something that shocked me, because it was just THAT unfamiliar. From what I'm getting is that you aren't looking at these girls to sexualize them, it's still that kind of envy to some extent because I'm hearing that's what you want by wishing you were them or had what they have, that makes complete sense to me and isn't weird.

I really do wonder though, what really helped me when I was still in the closet was slowly doing more masculine things I guess, what that kind of looked like was getting some boxers, slowly dressing more androgynous then more masculinely, cutting out feminine things. -I wonder if maybe starting to do some more feminine things would be a good way to I guess test the waters or explore? That all made a really big difference and also helped ease my parents in. Everything I've kind of mentioned will be the opposite for you, obviously. Hiding really really sucks, so I really think if you can find someone you trust, having one or a few people affirm your gender makes such a difference.

[CaptainWildRose]

I think there's definitely been a lot of information but there's a few pieces I definitely want to go back and touch on real quick.

I'm really sorry to hear about your family situation, I know how hard that can be and I hope that gets better. I also want to let you know that part of being closeted, for me at least involved a lot of confusion (granted, I have to factor age at the time into this). There were times where I did wonder if I was just a masculine girl and I personally believe this was primarily due to outside pressure because I knew it would be "easier". So I definitely get that sense of being unsure, and that's okay, again, however you feel is okay. Also, not knowing if you're feeling like a girl, I had those questions for a little bit and then I'd remember those hopes of being a guy, for me that was kind of pushing the whole tomboy thing, because tomboys don't want to BE boys. I guess just letting yourself explore those feelings may be helpful?

I wonder if you've really talked to any of your friends about this, I know a person (mtf) who was in a pretty similar situation for some time, although I believe now is on hormones. For quite a while she couldn't come out and then afterwards, there was issues at home surrounding that because they didn't support her at first. Having her friends played a major role (although I'm realizing typing this out, it's probably not an option at this moment with the pandemic), what they kind of did was she would do her makeup at school, usually change into something more feminine at school, etc. Honestly, I think she's gorgeous and she's made so much progress, but it took time!

I do agree a lot with what transfemandgay said about there's not right way to be a girl really, but there's also the factor that it's new, it'll take time once you're able to explore that more. For me I wouldn't say I had to learn to be a guy per say, but I've found over time I've definitely I guess become more of a masc fitting person if that makes any sense, I've learned and some of this was me trying and other parts of it was just it happening but my voice definitely doesn't sound feminine, I definitely picked up mannerisms that are typically seen as masculine, as well as some other things. What I'm trying to get at, is over time and finding what and how you enjoy expressing yourself changes and typically just because natural, it's kind of weird to explain, so I hope that makes sense in some way.

Also, yeah I find I often catch myself comparing to cis guys and I definitely feel jealous or envious of them, there's nothing really wrong with that. For me, it came from the idea that they do have it quite a bit easier compared to me, they weren't beaten up for being different, they usually always know who they are and don't really have to question it. I remember I asked my teacher if she ever felt anything similar to what I was, and the answer was "honestly, no. I've always known I was a girl and have had a strong sense of that my whole life" - that's something that shocked me, because it was just THAT unfamiliar. From what I'm getting is that you aren't looking at these girls to sexualize them, it's still that kind of envy to some extent because I'm hearing that's what you want by wishing you were them or had what they have, that makes complete sense to me and isn't weird.

I really do wonder though, what really helped me when I was still in the closet was slowly doing more masculine things I guess, what that kind of looked like was getting some boxers, slowly dressing more androgynous then more masculinely, cutting out feminine things. -I wonder if maybe starting to do some more feminine things would be a good way to I guess test the waters or explore? That all made a really big difference and also helped ease my parents in. Everything I've kind of mentioned will be the opposite for you, obviously. Hiding really really sucks, so I really think if you can find someone you trust, having one or a few people affirm your gender makes such a difference.

Wow, thank you for that, i feel bad if i don't reply with a big thread honestly lol


I have a extremely small pool of people that know I'm trans, and most of them don't actually know me in real life.

I'm hiding in the closet because I'm scared of my mother finding out, it would literally kill her. And my family would disown me.

So i don't really tell anyone because I'm trying to protect myself really.

And I'm not to sure what kind of feminine things i could really do without being noticed.

And i agree, it all takes time, I've had these feelings develop since i was 14.

It really really sucks not knowing who you are and not having an idea of where to go.

[0PT1M15T1C]

It's fine not to reply with a long thread, it doesn't like offend me or anything, you make your points short and quick and I understand where you're going with them so it's fine.
I'm so so sorry you're having to deal with this!! That really sucks more than words can really describe.

It makes sense that you want to stay in the closet, safety is a top priority, always. I am glad, though, that you do have a few people that you can talk to (including here) that know and I'm hoping accept you.

I don't want to say any of these are feminine, because boys can do them and that absolutely fine, but things like painting your nails and taking that off, exploring with makeup, tucking is one thing (and I can explain that a bit, if you'd like/provide some information to it), I know for some trans women wearing bras even if they don't do anything (sports bras, if we're talking about going unnoticed), and honestly, just be you. That's the biggest thing, I never had to TRY to be a boy, you don't have to try to be a girl, if you want to experiment, that's cool, if not, that's cool too, however you feel is fine. I'm not sure you'd have the option to experiment with those, either but it doesn't hurt to mention, they're just things I noticed my friend did. Here's a few things I found on this as well https://www.transgenderhub.com/10-tips- ... ransition/ - most of it I mentioned, but it might be helpful anyways.

It's definitely scary trying to go unnoticed, and I really hope that you'll be able to be yourself and find yourself.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I also found this, which might be helpful if you're still curious as to what other people experienced being trans, I've been reading through it for a little while now and thought you might enjoy reading it too. On the side there's quite a few other trans people's stories so yeah, that's cool: https://www.scarleteen.com/questioning_orientation_mo

[CaptainWildRose]

Thank you so much, those were nice to read and i can relate with a few.

I've tried tucking and it was weird probably because i was doing it wrong lol

Also, i find it hard to call myself a girl, or to feel like one, i know we've talked about there's no right way to be a girl but it's hard for me to grasp being one really if that makes sense.

How did you know when you were a guy? How did you make that transition in your head? If you don't mind me asking.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I'm glad to hear that =)
With tucking, I can't imagine it being easy but from what I've heard it primarily just takes time and practice, as well as trying a few different methods, it would be pretty awesome to get it right in one go, but sadly that's just not the case. I pack (creating a bulge rather than minimizing it) and believe me when I say that took time to get good at, knowing how exactly to position it, and notice when it was going to appear strange or maybe choose to slide a bit.

Yeah, it's definitely a hard thing to juggle with not fully knowing if you are in your case feeling like a girl - it can just be really quite difficult to put into words, you know? It's absolutely okay for you to ask about my experience with this, I'm pretty open about it all. For me, what really kind of clicked was that when I pictured myself and who I wanted to be when I was older, I would always think that I was a guy in the future, I could never really picture myself growing into being a woman. Too, what kind of was going through my head was that envy for boys, just wishing I was one, so when I was questioning, what I kind of ask myself if when I was older I wanted a beard, a flat chest and the ability to take my shirt off, if I wanted to be seen as a man when I was older, and a deep voice or if I wanted to develop a female chest (breasts, but I hate saying that), wider hips, if I wanted to wear dresses and present femininely and be seen as a woman. When I thought about that, I really didn't want to look anything like a woman, at all. I didn't want a chest, I didn't want a period, I didn't want hips to help carry a baby or whatever because to me, that's not what I felt like I was meant to do, I wanted to be the one with the ability to get someone pregnant. More than anything, I wanted to stand up going to the bathroom, this may sound silly, but I would walk by the boys restroom when I was really little and all I wanted was to be able to have the functions to use it, if that makes sense? I think that's really one of the earliest things I can remember with this was wanting to be like a boy in that sense and that started probably at about six or seven years old. When I realized "hey, uhm, all the other girls are excited about becoming women, chest development and getting their periods" and I was thinking "get this away from me", something was a little wrong there. I wonder, when you think about the changes of male puberty (deep voice, hair, muscle growth, in general looking like a "man") what do you feel? And then think, if you had the ability to look like your female peers (chest, feminine features, ability to carry a child, long hair maybe, soft voice and skin, less hair) what do you feel? For me when I think about it, my answer is that I really want to look and be like the boys around me, not the girls. What about you?

Also, for me, the thing that helped a lot was I had people call me he at school and this really sort of I guess solidified my beliefs for me. I would have this burst of energy everytime I was called he, I felt so happy, hearing the word she used on me did the opposite. I was quite young and so I watched a lot of documentaries on trans kids and teens, that may be helpful for you too, usually when I was watching them what went through my head was that one day I'd be able to do that, the thought of being able to one day be boy made me so happy and hopeful, while thinking about the next time I'd have to wear a dress made me feel so completely alone and unseen.

With making the transition in my head, that's a really hard one to explain so if you need clarification on any of this, I'm fine to try to explain it in another way to help it make sense, but do keep in mind, my experience is not everyone's. The way this kind of all happened mentally did have the aspect of time, it really did play along my social transition (clothes, pronouns, friend groups, hair). At the beginning of my transition I'd definitely say I was a lot more feminine entirely, even mentally (IMO). Part of it came from watching the other guys (this is something that humans do quite naturally anyways, but I forget what it's called), and picking up those traits. For example, the way guys walk, sit (I remember I actually used to like sitting with my legs crossed, but it honestly feels unnatural to me now), act and even feel quite honestly. Lately I've been an emotional wreck thanks to things going on in my life, but I really noticed that I don't process the things the same way girls do, honestly. It started out as I used to get sad right away and be emotional in the way people typically view girls (This sounds really bad, but I don't know how else to word it), but I noticed the guys would mask it with anger first and would hide their emotions a lot more, so I picked up that which was NOT a good thing. Too with it being mental, I could never really picture myself as a woman, which I know I've mentioned a few times, when I have dreams and stuff, I'm a guy, if I'm thinking about the future, I'm a guy. I'm really trying right now to picture even remotely what being a girl would be for me and honestly, I'm clueless. Really, it was a lot of watching others to answer it simply though.

Does this sort of make sense?

Also, if it's hard for you to grasp that sense of being a girl, I really challenge you to ask yourself why, find out if it's just because you find girls pretty or if it's out of fear (this was a big one for me actually, and I wish I had mentioned it more. I was really scared for a while to call myself a boy because that seemed like such a big deal and completely new, it felt like a major leap so at first it felt weird and unnatural because that was the pressure on me), or maybe it's just new, maybe you don't want to be a girl, any of it is fine. This is confusing, as I'm sure you're finding out, I kind of compare it to algebra (although it makes sense to me now, it didn't at first), suddenly someone said "hey, these numbers aren't all you have to worry about now, here's a whole bunch of letters that you have no idea how to use or what they mean, have fun." - suddenly I had a whole lot emotions and didn't know what they meant.