confused about this

[sky]

i’ve never even done hard drugs, i just like the idea of escape.

i don’t know. but i’m okay. i dont think i want to talk anymore

[Heather]

You don't ever have to. Hang in there, and you know where to find us if and when you do again. Take good care of you.

[sky]

heather. i really don’t understand this. i don’t understand life. why is everything happening. everything in my personal life is falling apart and then in the world it’s a mess. i’m not gonna do anything dangerous, don’t think that please. the one person who makes me feel better isn’t talking to me. i don’t know who or what i am anymore. like i don’t know what to do anymore with anything. my heart and head hurt so bad and i’m drowning. i feel numb and i want to scream.

[sky]

oh. the one person who makes me feel like i can breathe has me blocked. lol. i’m done. i’m losing it. i’m seriously losing everything.

[Karyn]

Hi sky. I'm sorry you're hurting so much, and I'm sorry your friend blocked you, that's never an easy thing to deal with. What do you think about Heather's suggestion a few posts up about seeking out some additional resources you can turn to, in addition to us here? Sometimes it can be helpful to have more than one source of support when things are feeling particularly rough.

[sky]

okay i started writing something earlier today and then i got side tracked and i don’t think i finished? idk i’ve been up since like 4am going from one thing to another. so hopefully i didn’t say anything because i’m gonna write it again. i have used those resources and i don’t feel better after. so i just, won’t use them anymore. i’m gonna focus on myself. i’m gonna stay away from the people who make me feel like shit.

the girl i’ve talked about before that’s older then me and i’m in love with, we’ll call her alison. well, alison is very mean to me and she’s been since i first met her. we have good days sometimes but she’s usually awful to me. it’s the relationship with her that fully brought the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. i feel like i might actually be able to handle life without her. i didn’t think i could live without her but here i am right now living. i do work with her but i’m trying my best to avoid her.

[Sam W]

Hi sky,

I think staying away from people who make you feel bad about yourself, or who sap your energy, is a good call right now and a good way of taking care of yourself. That includes the person from work. As you've pointed out, you're learning to be without her, so now may be the ideal time to block or otherwise make it harder for her to contact you or you to contact her (it may also be worth, if her behavior happens while at work, looking into ways to have HR or similar address them).

Can you tell me which other sources of support you've reached out too? That way we won't accidentally double-recommend one.

[sky]

i did block her. i see her on sunday but by then things should be blown over. i’ve talked to the people at trevor and the 741741 people whatever they are called. half the time i end up feeling worse

[sky]

I’ve had an extremely good day and it’s been without Alison! I really can’t live without her, I’m so happy knowing that I’m okay without her. Anyways the reason I came on here again is to let you guys know that a kroger like 30 minutes away from me has 2 confirmed cases! The store is still open all they did was bring in the night crew to close, so now everyone is infected. This state fucking sucks. Everywhere needs to be on lockdown. I don’t get it. I go back to work tomorrow and I’m freaking out but I can do this! Part of my job is loading groceries into peoples cars and I think i might wear gloves if I’m anxious tomorrow. They are gonna make fun of me but seriously my ocd is intense with this PLUS my anxiety on it. I’m shaking just thinking about it all

[sky]

Clean*** not close. I was frustrated fast typing haha oops

[Siân]

hi sky,

Having cases in your area certainly sounds scary for you. It's particularly hard when you're doing such an important job making sure people have the food that they need, and can't work from home like some people can. Wearing gloves to work in sounds like a good idea. What else are you doing to look after yourself right now?

[sky]

That’s pretty much all I’m doing! Washing my hands often, Using hand sanitizer after I wash my hands lol, and honestly I’ve just been giving my shifts away so I don’t have to be there lol

[sky]

So i can’t talk to anyone about this. But I was brought into the office because my store manager heard me make a comment about liking someone. Which led me into talking about Alison and I’m so upset and embarrassed and I had to sign a paper about sexual harassment and I can’t talk to alison anymore and I can’t tell anyone about the conversation. I’m having a panic attack!!!!! FUCK. Why do I do these things I’m gonna lose my mind

[Heather]

I'm sorry to hear that sky. It's particularly maddening in the culture of your workplace where you have endured and are enduring sexual harassment yourself that no action is being taken on. More on that in a sec, though.

Again, I'm sorry that happened to you. Since it's been a night, I'm assuming you've gotten yourself calmed back down by now. I hope you got some sleep.

I'm going to stand by my sense that this job has a culture that is clearly not a healthy one, and there have been a ton of issues you've posted about here that suggest to me that leaving this job would be a good choice for you. Especially when working there now also means taking very big health risks for yourself and your family and your grandmother has told you she can carry you financially.

If you are going to stay there, though, we've talked before that there is not a culture of safety there when it comes to talking about who you're into, etc., and that anyone there talking about being into co-workers isn't really a good way to make a workplace safe. If that's something you took in and knew, and are wondering why you acted otherwise, I'd suspect it might be one or two things, or both.

For one, in a culture where you are listening to the men there talk about you or other women all day, I'm sure responding that way yourself feels normal and like it can happen, too. Of course, that's not usually going to be the case. You're not a man, for one, and a lot of this is about sexism. You're also not a straight person, so I'm sure homophobia is at play here, too. Point is, the playing field here is not at all level. (Mind, I don't know what you said, or how often you have been saying these things or to whom, so I also can't know the merit of harassment in full here.)

The other thing is that you know you struggle with impulsivity, and it's clear that's a big struggle for you in every area of your life for a while now. As a bipolar person (I think I am remembering right that's a diagnosis you have, yes? Apologies if not), impulsivity is one of the most common hallmarks of bipolar, so it's not surprising this is coming up for you. If you're not using a medication for your bipolar, impulsivity simply is likely to be a big problem, especially in manic phases.

[sky]

I got pretty drunk and slept well. I dreamt of the situation yesterday all night long. I’m still heartbroken. I don’t know why I fell in love with her but I did. I’m still struggling as to how I’m going to be okay without her. She was the person I leaned on to keep me strong. And yeah I did have a diagnosis of bipolar but they aren’t sure now and they said I have borderline personality disorder.

The conversation yesterday lasted about 30 minutes and they told me (it was my store manager and a witness to me signing the paper) that I have a lot to offer someone And all that bs people say. I realize this might be weird but it’s not a fetish/kink but I’m looking for a mom. I realize I’m 22 and I can do things on my own but I want a mom who cares and loves me. That’s what alison gave me. She would tell me I’m her friend and I’m like her daughter. I have my dating sites set to up to 42 and, like I don’t want to have sex or kiss them or anything but I want to have an older woman. Like I don’t know how to explain it any better. But I really really hurt. I sure do know how to ruin things. And, I think I’m going to be okay with working with the germs. I’m trying my hardest to just care for myself mentally regarding the germs/ocd.

[sky]

Yay so I was scheduled to work a mandatory 40 hours this week, weeks go from (sunday-saturday) at my job. I was freakkkiiinngggg out mentally because 5 days a week in this, 8 hour days just sends me in a spiral. I worked like 50 2 weeks ago and I wasn’t okay at all. I probably seem shitty because I can’t work full time but mentally I just can’t handle it, especially now. And also now I don’t have to see Alison for longer! Hopefully the heartbreak heals more so by then

[Heather]

I'm afraid that I don't have the capacity or the time today (I'm about to head out to other work I have to do, I'm sorry) to talk about the issue with you looking for a mother figure in any major way. But very briefly, I can say that there is nothing wrong with anyone, of any age, looking for parent figures. That is a common thing to want, certainly often all the more for people whose parents have mistreated or just not parented them in some to all ways, but even for people who have had good parents. The idea that people only have two parents, or two parental figures, is something invented by marketing/capitalism in the West in the 50s: it's constructed, not real, and it's also not something that has benefitted most people.

By and large, people do better with a wider net than that, and in much of the world, people have one. If you don't, there's nothing the matter with seeking it out.

I would, however, advise you try and NOT put dating AND that together. That's not a good recipe for anyone, IMO, and very unlikely to be anything that healthy. But again, I'm afraid I just can't dig deep into that today, and probably not soon (I'm about to have very limited hours here starting this week). I'm afraid I also can't get into your feelings about this woman at work today.

Per your job, I really don't know what to do but maintain my feelings and belief on this: if you don't need this job right now to survive in the most basic ways (for food and shelter), I would strongly advise you leave it and a) stay mostly at home and do social distancing until they tell us not to, and b) when it is time again, to look for a new job. The labor issues and culture at this job, just from what you've posted here about it in your time here, sound atrocious and unethical.

You also have the option to apply for disability, for the record, if and when you cannot work full-time (though in a safer situation *to* be working, I also suspect that you would feel more able in a workplace that was actually healthy). Temporary disability is also available, not just long-term. Hang in there, sky.

[Heather]

How you doing, sky?

[sky]

I’m okay. Work is draining me of everything I have but thankfully they set some safety things up which makes me feel a little better about my team and I’s health. Also they started giving us $2 more an hour last week which is pretty cool too. I have a lot of health issues and my body is just not handling these hours well. I come home and can hardly walk. It’ll be okay and it’ll be over soon. I just gotta do what I can and not stress about the things I can’t control. I can control me and that it so that’s what I’m doing.

[Heather]

I'm glad you're okay, but I'm sorry that you're struggling with your health. I'm also sorry you are still at work, and you're very much in my thoughts. Take the best care of you you can.

[sky]

I’m trying my best and Thank you! <3