I can't finish without a vibrator lmao i'm so scared

[asofty]

okay so like, my boyfriend and I recently started fooling around, we've been together for a year (using protection, of course i'm not dumb), and we discussed it and we felt that were ready to fully send it, yk? Well, I usually masturbate with a vibrator, I have since I was a kid, I am ashamed of this but i had an electric toothbrush, and whenever i wanted to masturbate, I would change the head and go to town... I would do it really often and it felt amazing. I confided in my cousin about my new feelings, and when I was 14 she got be a real vibrator. I can't finish without the vibrator at all. I don't feel any of the wowiewowow feeling in my clit with oral sex, or with hands. I can't feel any of the feeling relating to orgasms with vaginal sex either, and i'm really scared. The sex is very enjoyable, but i'm just scared that i've been doing this for too long that i've destroyed my nerves down there... I just don't know what to do, man.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, asofty.

So, let me just relieve you of one thing right away: frequent vibrator use doesn't damage nerves. There's no real basis for that belief, but it sure is prevalent.

I think it is so common because another belief that is very common is that more people can get off without vibrators -- or the help of vibrators -- than is actually the case. Based on everything I know and pick up on, a lot more people use them than those who don't to get off, or, again, as part of getting off. And for sure, for some people that's a need, either for always or for sometimes.

There's nothing wrong with this, nor is this anything to be ashamed of. Truly. It's very common for couples (or more) to bring vibrators into sex as a regular part of a sexual life and for people to use them, for instance, either before, during or after (or all three!) penis-in-vagina intercourse. It's also common for a vibrator to be *the* thing that makes people feel a lot of genital sensation. Also nothing wrong with that.

Lastly, know that most people with vaginas who reach orgasm during vaginal intercourse don't usually do so only through vaginal intercourse alone: that's very rare. Here's some info for you from our archives on that: The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum.

In other words, I hear you worried there is or is going to be a problem, but I'm not hearing anything that sounds like a problem to me. <3 Are you worried your boyfriend lacks the maturity (or has some other issue) to be cool with you bringing a vibrator into the picture? Or do you feel like you can't or shouldn't for some reason?

(I do want to make sure you're aware that if you two don't live together, until we're on the other side of this pandemic, unfortunately, you shouldn't continue to be in physical contact with each other to do what's safest for everyone.)

[Heather]

I just saw that you posted this differently in another area of the boards, so I want to copy that post here for reference, especially since in this version, you're sharing some different information:

okay so idc if i get kidnapped or not so i'm just gonna come right out and say that i'm 16 for reference.
Ever since I first discovered masturbation was a thing, I could always remember thinking if there was something more I could do other than my hands, yk? My next step was the water pressure from the shower head, then I discovered my electric toothbrush was pretty cool. I liked that option best, so whenever I was in the mood, I would switch the toothbrush head (I wasn't that gross lol), and go to town. I've been doing that ever since I could remember, and from the time from about ages 12-14 I would go absolute HAM on my clit, like, if the sensation was too much, I would use a cloth over the brush head, or hold the head with my hand tighter. I told my cousin about my adventures, because i started feeling like this wasn't normal for someone my age to be finishing like, 7-10 times in a row before stopping. My cousin was like, that's normal, but try to dial it down a bit, you don't want to hurt yourself kiddo. I'm like okay, cool, just once or twice i'll finish then gucci. She got me a real vibrator when I was like about to turn 15. I used that SO MUCH like bruh.... I realised it was a problem so I threw it away, and tried just my hands. I couldn't finish unless I was REALLY turned on, which was rare, so I started worrying that I damaged my nerves. Fast forward to like 6 months ago, my boyfriend and I decided we were ready to fully send it, more than just fooling around. I didn't feel any of that sensation that I did with a vibrator. I felt his tongue, and his hands, but not that feeling, yk? During vaginal sex, it was the same thing, I felt it, but there wasn't that feeling of pleasure that leads to an orgasm. I talked to him about it and he said he'd try harder but I feel so bad because I feel like it's all my fault. We also think that the side effects of the meds that i'm on is a part of this, because I've had every single side effect Zoloft has but it "takes the edge off" so I'm staying on it. This is a whole buttload of words but please if anyone has a similar experience, or general advice, please help i'm so scared that I've ruined myself for good...

[asofty]

i didn't take into note that someone had to approve the post before it posts.. so I rewrote it, and I was more comfortable while rewriting it, so I shared more of my thoughts.. I would prefer that if anyone had a response, it would be to that post, to anyone seeing this now lol. Thank you, and sorry lol

[al]

Hi asofty,

Just popping in to say that, based on your latest comment here, you wanted folks to respond to this post rather than the first one. Let me know if I interpreted that wrong!

[asofty]

yeah i'm not too good at just being patient so I just wrote that thinking I did something wrong looooool

[Siân]

Hi there asofty,

So I've read both versions of your post and I think that Heather sum's up the most important points in their first answer - that it's okay and not particularly unusual if you mostly can't orgasm without a vibrator. I don't think that that's about your boyfriend "trying harder", it's just that a person provides a different set of sensations to a machine.

Three questions then;
1. Have you and your boyfriend tried/thought about using a vibrator when you're having sex together? How do you both feel about that?
2. How do you feel in general when you're having sex with your boyfriend? Like, do you generally feel relaxed and turned on, even if you're not orgasming?
3. You mentioned meds. Have you had orgasms alone (e.g. using your vibrator) since starting your medication?

[asofty]

okay, so, answer to the first question, I'm usually extremely shy about asking to use extra things with sex, and we've only recently just started talking about what we can/would do differently, like new things and such, and things that we feel would add spice lol.. I couldn't get another one even if we discussed it, my parents are the pure definition of helicopter parents, they control everything I do, and always know everything, I can't even get condoms I have my friend buy them and I pay her back, or sometimes my boyfriend gets them if he is allowed to use the car. I would like to try, but i'm not sure how it would work, and the only way to find out is to try, but it's new so i'm kind of standoffish.
Okay, question two.. It feels so good to me, omllll, I feel relaxed, yes, and i've been trying to focus on what i'm feeling more often, to find out what works more and what doesn't. I feel the penetration, and his tongue/hands, but I don't feel the sensation that leads to orgasms, yk? I put and ice cube down there one time, and I felt the cold, so idk if it's a nerves thing or not.
Third question, this problem started happening when I started them, which is why I think it plays a part, but i'm not sure, because i'm shy with talking to my doctor or my mom about it, so i've been scouring the internet for suggestions and possible answers (that's how i got here), but I just don't know. I threw away the vibrator a little before my 16th birthday, maybe after, i don't remember, and I had orgasms with it, and I used it a lot. I would masturbate when I was anxious, and that was a lot. I'm not addicted to sex, i swear i'm not lol, but sometimes I would just keep on going because it would be the only good feeling that I would have all day. I think something may have happened where the nerves got exhausted?? or maybe it's psychological??

[Mo]

I can certainly understand why you'd want to keep masturbating if that was the best you'd feel all day. As Heather said above, vibrators (or masturbation in general) can't cause nerve damage but it's common to feel oversensitive at some point; if that happens you'd want to give it a rest for probably a few hours at least for that uncomfortable oversensitivity to go away.
You mention that some of these issues started when you started taking Zoloft, and while there's no guarantee it's causing this for you, it's fairly common for people to experience sexual side effects from that medication. That term can encompass a few things like lower arousal, more difficulty in feeling arousal, or more difficulty achieving orgasm or feeling a lot of pleasure from orgasm. I can understand being shy about talking to a doctor about these side effects, but any doctor who prescribes antidepressants will be familiar with these side effects and should be able to talk to you about them. It may be possible to try out another medication, or to take some time to get used to how things have changed in terms of your sexual response, but I do think this is something worth discussing with your doctor even thought it might be intimidating to think about it.

On the topic of talking to your boyfriend about using a vibrator: since, as Heather said above, ideally you wouldn't be interacting with other people in person if you aren't living with them already, this time when you can't meet up in person might be an opportunity to talk more about what you might like to try out sexually in the future; maybe talking about using a vibrator could be part of those conversations.