Scared of fingering myself?

[hydrangea03]

I’ve always wanted to try fingering. I often imagine it as something that will probably feel really good, but I’ve never actually done it because as soon as my fingertip enters my vagina, I get so scared and stop altogether.

Last night I tried to finger myself. It’s been a long time since I last attempted it, so I thought I’d overcome the fear...but I haven’t.

The initial fear when the tip of my finger goes in was easy to be faced and battled, but when almost half of my finger slides in, I started to panic. I found and stimulated the G-Spot - which felt disappointingly ordinary (this, I know is not strange but I still kind of expected more) - and tried to thrust in and out.

It didn’t feel good and I endured it for at least a minute before becoming afraid again and felt like crying. I think for the most part I’m scared of hurting myself, but it actually didn’t really hurt...

Is there a way to overcome this irrational fear and to make fingering feel better? D: I think my position was ‘wrong’ (lying down), but I don’t know,, It’s not that I’m dying to like it, but I want to do it ><

[Siân]

Hi hydrangea03,

So there is no "wrong" position for any kind of masturbation - the main thing is that you are physically and emotionally comfortable. From what you're saying, you feel okay physically but emotionally you have a lot of big feelings around this! That's okay!

Can you tell me a bit more about why you might be worried? You said you're concerned that it's going to hurt. Well, generally sex shouldn't be painful at all so long as you're relaxed, turned on and maybe using some lube. Any idea where that worry comes from?

From where I'm sitting, making yourself do something that's supposed to be about pleasure when you feel really bad about it doesn't sound like a great idea. Have you experimented with masturbation more broadly, or mostly just this? Because if not, it might be that you need to spend some time getting comfortable with your body in general, and trying out different kinds of touch that maybe seem less scary or invasive for now. What do you think?

And how are you holding up generally right now? This pandemic seems to have shaken a lot of people - how is Indonesia?

[hydrangea03]

Hi hydrangea03,

So there is no "wrong" position for any kind of masturbation - the main thing is that you are physically and emotionally comfortable. From what you're saying, you feel okay physically but emotionally you have a lot of big feelings around this! That's okay!

Can you tell me a bit more about why you might be worried? You said you're concerned that it's going to hurt. Well, generally sex shouldn't be painful at all so long as you're relaxed, turned on and maybe using some lube. Any idea where that worry comes from?

From where I'm sitting, making yourself do something that's supposed to be about pleasure when you feel really bad about it doesn't sound like a great idea. Have you experimented with masturbation more broadly, or mostly just this? Because if not, it might be that you need to spend some time getting comfortable with your body in general, and trying out different kinds of touch that maybe seem less scary or invasive for now. What do you think?

And how are you holding up generally right now? This pandemic seems to have shaken a lot of people - how is Indonesia?

,

Hi! Thank you for your reply <3 You are very kind!

About the worry, to be honest I think the fear of getting hurt is the prime contributor - even if I have never actually been hurt by masturbating before :/ it just feels a little too unusual, I guess. I'm also afraid of breaking something inside and bleeding... and I speculate another major worry is not being able to have sex with a partner ~forever~, so when I try fingering and realize I don't like it, the thought of not being able to satisfy a partner in bed plagues me and adds on to the emotional burden ;0;

In my life, the only 'way' of masturbating I actually enjoy is by stimulating the clitoris and sometimes stroking the outside of the vagina - this is how I've done it for years. I'd love to experiment more though!! There are actually things I'd like to try, unfortunately I don't have access to toys/lube/anything that isn't part of my own body lol ><

It's a bit bad here in Indonesia, but I'm doing very fine! I'm healthy, my friends and family are too, and I have everything I need at home ^^ I hope you are as well <3

[Sam W]

Hi hydrengea,

It may help to know that there's nothing inside your vaginal canal that can break from fingering. The vaginal corona (another name for the hymen) is flexible, so it doesn't break from insertion of fingers or other items. It is possible to cut or scratch yourself during fingering, especially if you have longer nails or are being rough. But if you want to keep experimenting with that kind of masturbation, going slowly and using some kind of lube (there are certain household items like Vaseline or coconut oil that can be used for masturbation) can help a lot.

If you're interested in exploring more ways of masturbating, these two articles are full of ideas on how to do that: D.I.Y. Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition, Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation.

I also want to address those fears about not being able to satisfy a future partner. While it's certainly a common fear, not enjoying (or just not being able to engage in) a certain sexual thing doesn't mean you're doomed to disappoint partners. It just means the right partner for you is someone who can work within and respect those boundaries. A happy, healthy sex life has way more to do with communicating and finding things both people enjoy than it does with any one type of sexual activity. Does that make sense?