Crying instead of Orgasming

[Softieicelou]

Hello Scarleteen,
I'm a 16 year old female and I’ve never had an orgasm. I understand that this is not an unusual occurrence but I was hoping I could not be one of the girls late to the pleasure game. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have been sexually active for nearly 8 months and fooling around for longer. I have never had an orgasm with or without my boyfriend. I have done a lot of research and haven’t found the answers I’m looking for. I even asked my doctor but she couldn’t help me. My boyfriend feels like a failure because he’s not able to provide the pleasure of an orgasm for me. I am on the pill and I’m always incredibly emotional within a week of my period. Could this be lack of hormonal outlet? I’ve read articles that say to practice everyday but this is not possible for me because I don’t have a place that I am fully comfortable and relaxed nor do I have the time. My clit has never been very sensitive but my g-spot gets me closer. The only way I have found that gets me anywhere close to an orgasm is using any unbending object to hit my g-spot as hard and as fast as I physically can, (it’s not uncommon for me to bleed). When I get to the point where I would expect to orgasm I just burst into tears. It happens ever time. It’s like the orgasm is going up instead of down like it’s supposed to. How do I redirect this energy so that I feel good? How can I have an orgasm?

[Jacob]

Hi Softieicelou!

I don't think you need to "practise everyday" like those articles have said, it's not a flute!

Can I ask you, when you cry, does it feel like you're sad and letting something out, maybe related to the frustration of the situation? Or more of an unexpected physical thing that just feels like a physiological misfire? In itself I wouldn't say crying is a bad thing; when it's something you need it can be really cathartic. So I wonder if there's anything in the fact that it's happening that could be helpful.

My main impression is that the overall picture sounds like it's stressful, the sad boyfriend who feels like a failure, the lack of a relaxed space for yourself, the desire itself to achieve an orgasm.

You've described lots of physical things you have tried but it sounds like the emotional, and mental setting could be major factors too. This article could be especially helpful for you to read: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

Asking your boyfriend to chill could be helpful too for your mind state as it sounds like it is a contributing factor to the pressure you're feelin, some of which you seem to have put on yourself! Pleasure doesn't work very well to a deadline, and often an orgasm sort of reveals itslef when we aren't laser focused on the end goal, but instead exploring what feels good now in the absense of an orgasm. Are there forms of touch that are enjoyable on their own?

It's worth saying that the clitoris isn't just the small hooded nubbin above your vagina but actually a far bigger organ all of which you might be stimilating when you talk about using a hard object to hit a g-spot. Also, instead of trying this as often as possible, I would instead maybe try doing it less often but bringing an air of self-care to it. If rougher movements feel good, enjoy them and lube can help avoid the kind of bleeding that can occur.

What would you think of taking this slower, and emersing yourself into the much broader goal of just exploring things that feel good?