Tonne of questions about periods and what affects them

[Berry124]

I don't want my mum questioning me on why I haven't got my period as she'll suspect things, things that I haven't done and will ask if I am pregnant which will increase this anxiety. Are there even people willing to discuss and help with anxiety about things that don't cause pregnancy, wouldn't they think I am stupid or immature?

Are there any signs in discharge that indicate your period is near? Mine has started to go slightly yellow (doesn't itch, burn or is excessive)

[Redskies]

Berry, there isn't anything we can say about your pregnancy concerns with your body that we haven't said already. If you need to, you can review the conversations we've had with you. Too, we need you to respect and hold our limits about not discussing those pregnancy fears any more, for our sakes too, but mostly for yours. It seems very likely that these fears are part of anxiety, and we know that keep discussing anxious fears as if they were real is likely only harmful in the long-term and will make the anxiety worse. For an explanation: http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=15 . Obviously, the last thing we want to do is anything that may harm any user, and it'd also be the complete opposite of us doing our job.

So: we won't discuss pregnancy fears with you, and please don't ask us to. We Are very willing to talk with you about seeking help for your anxiety, from people who are properly equipped to help you. It's completely up to you whether that's something you want: you don't have to want it. It's simply that at this point, the only thing we're equipped to do that we can ethically do around your pregnancy fears is support you in seeking help for anxiety. If you want that, then yep, that's a thing we can do, we're on board. If you don't want it, then you absolutely get to turn down that offer, that's also fine with us. Would that we could fix every single thing wrong in the world, but alas, we just can't; so, we have to stay within what we actually can do and what's likely to be of benefit to you.

To answer your other questions: a huge yes, there are people who are willing to help with anxiety including unreal pregnancy fears. Therapists and counsellors who work with anxiety know that anxiety can happen around literally every possible thing you can think of in the world, and they don't judge their clients as stupid or immature for having anxiety. Having anxiety doesn't make someone stupid or immature, and they know that. Most people with anxiety say a string of harsh things to ourselves in our heads about having anxiety, and we can get really, really sure that that's how everyone else will think too. People who are educated about anxiety will not think those harsh things. They will know that it's not a character failing or something that could be overcome if we just tried; they will know that it's simply that some of our thoughts, and maybe sometimes some of our brain chemistry, is harming us rather than helping us, and they'll give us tools to manage it and try to have our brain help us instead.

I understand that long days and long travel present some practical issues. I am very confident, though, that there are a whole bunch of solutions, if you want them. The bottom line thing that you Would need to manage is to set some scheduled time aside, perhaps each week, for an appointment, and be prepared to be as real with yourself and honest with yourself as you can in those appointments. Are those things that you feel able to do and want to do?

[Berry124]

I understand, thank you for the extreme patience, everything is just adding to my mind I can't think straight a lot of the time now. With managing my time, I struggle as it is. My life is so difficult to handle a lot of the time now and so I will need to figure that out but I am slowly adjusting. I have always had bad anxiety ever since I was a child, and have a condition linked stemmed by anxiety as it is, I would get episodes of it if in class the teacher just simply said "find a pair", I would get anxious and worried about simple things like that. I used to also think up of horrible things happening, like the death of a family member and what I would do, or if I was kidnapped etc, all when I was younger and it's clear it's still there today.

Thank you for your support.

[Redskies]

You're welcome.

I'm sorry that anxiety has been a part of so much of your life. I'm unsure if you simply wanted to tell us about your history with anxiety or if you were wanting to ask for assistance in finding support for it, so I won't jump in with both feet unless you clarify

Have you yet seen the piece we have, written by someone with anxiety? I think it speaks well to some of the things you're describing.
Anxiety Lies

[Berry124]

Sorry I was saying that I think I do have some sort of anxiety. I am just not sure if I want to have therapy or counselling for it at the moment, I am just not sure yet. The link was very helpful though thank you and it does include some things I worry about. I am going to stop doing things that worry me, even though I wasn't worried about them until my period was late(not discussing pregnancy fears there which you have said you will not discuss with me, just explaining myself).

[Heather]

By all means, you take the time you need to make that choice. But I do think we need to again draw a line here and make clear that when it comes to conversations about anxiety and treatment, we've really exhausted what we have to offer.

One thing we can do, however,that is within our scope, is help you figure out how to set the limits you need around things that trigger you if it turns out that's something you are having a hard time doing, or feel like you don't know how to do that with a partner.

[Berry124]

Thank you, I understand what you are saying.

With what you said -"One thing we can do, however,that is within our scope, is help you figure out how to set the limits you need around things that trigger you if it turns out that's something you are having a hard time doing, or feel like you don't know how to do that with a partner. "
-I would like to take what's triggering me off the table but I do find it hard to do and know that's not good for me. I also don't know how to do that with my partner, could I have some help on that?

[Heather]

Absolutely!

Can you fill me in on how trying to do that has gone for you, and what you feel like has been hard about that for you? For instance, are you having trouble finding the assertiveness to say anything at all, or is it that when you do set a limit, your partner doesn't respect it or tries to talk you out of it, or....?

[Berry124]

My partner doesn't try to talk me out of it, he doesn't even mention things like that but I decide 'no I won't do that today or this time' and then when I am with him I do?

[Berry124]

I don't decide to do things all the time, like sometimes I won't do it but then for some reason I do do it and then i'm fine. Then when PMS starts I panic? It's like I don't respect my own limits or decisions? But when I do decide to do it, my partner doesn't say anything like ask me if I want to, not sure if he knows to or? Didn't mean to make him sound like a bad person then, he's new to these sorts of things too.

[Heather]

That's helpful, thanks!

So, for one, sounds like perhaps you and your partner both - unless you are always asking him if he wants to do things, too - could stand some education about consenting.

How about you share this with him or read it yourself and pass the information on: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... ng_consent

Too, since most people who are not small children do know they are not supposed to touch people's bodies without permission, assume your partner does know he is supposed to be doing that with you, just like you should be with him. So, if he is not, it is not likely because he does not know he should. That given, these talks should be pretty serious, and make clear consenting just has to happen, always. And if he has any issues with that, then it is probably a good idea for us to have a chat about how safe and sound a partner this is, okay?

Too, since you can't really predict when you will and will not be triggered, but know you have a pattern of being triggered, how about if for now you just set a limit with anything that has triggered you until you can start getting some help learning to manage your anxiety, including triggers?

The extra bonus of doing that if you are still learnjng to assert yourself is that a one-time (for now) talk that is just, "Until I say otherwise, know that I just need to take this, this and this off the table completely and they are not up for negotiation," is both a very clear and very simple thing to express. And while your partner is learning to do consenting, which should really happen before being sexual with anyone else, anyway (so until he starts doing that, he truly should not be being sexual with anyone), that kind of clear no-under-any-condition is also very simple to understand.

[Berry124]

Thanks for the link He never touches me sexually in anyway without my consent I always give my concent and if I don't want to do something, he doesn't try to initiate it or pester me and same goes for me, I do not do anything without his concent I do understand what you mean about the consent and never choose to date those who don't respect others or behave in this way either

With setting limits with triggers, I am going to do that for sure this time about time I stopped this panic. I will mention things that I am deciding to not take part in or do that trigger me to my partner, I have explained that I worry about things and so do not want to do them and we avoided those things, until I said I wanted to again and gave my concent.

I have had serious conversations with him about limits and my views of relationships such as being consensual before, so can easily talk about it again with him I am sure.

[Berry124]

Oh I have a question about periods that relates to this post: why does cramping start before bleeding? Bit randome me popping that question in but I have cramping and am confused because it hasn't stopped. That and it hurts lol. Thx.

[Heather]

With periods, you have flow because your uterus is contracting to push that flow out. Thus, the cramps. That's a long-story-short, but that does pretty much sum it up.

[Berry124]

Oh ok so in that case when you get cramping when you arent yet bleeding like what I had yesterday and today, your uterus is contracting ready to push flow out? My period still hasn't happened yet but I have the cramps which im guessing is my uterus contracting in preperationfor a period??

[Heather]

It's not atypical for both the prostaglandins -- which rise around the time of periods, and do kind of make a lot of things feel more uncomfortable in the body -- and uterine contractions to begin before people see any flow, by all means.

[Berry124]

Sorry so is it not normal for me to be getting these pains then because my period is five days late today? I don't understand what you mean by atypical is there something wrong with me? Or?

[Heather]

Atypical = unusual.

So, "It's not unusual for both the prostaglandins -- which rise around the time of periods, and do kind of make a lot of things feel more uncomfortable in the body -- and uterine contractions to begin before people see any flow, by all means."

It IS common and suggests nothing at all is the matter.

Sounds, though, like you might benefit from perhaps starting to do some charting with your cycles, making notes about all of these things? If you do that for a few months, you will probably then be able to look back and observe these patterns in the future so that you can feel more relaxed about them.

[Berry124]

Oh ok sorry I didn't understand what was said. I do chart a bit but in the interest of understanding my cycles but I've never had cramping for a whole day or more like this before. I have noticed that I tend to get breast tenderness a few days before a period and today is the third day of it and that I can range from 21-29 days but never been over 30 days like this before.

[Berry124]

I have noticed that I get a sharp twisting stabbing pain a bit like a period pain that lasts for a few seconds maybe ten or fifteen but one that makes me cringe the day before a period and had that yesterday on the way home. I have been making notes on a calendar and have seen some similarities. No idea what the pain is though but it hurts and I'm doubled over in pain lol.

[Berry124]

I went to the toilet about an hour ago and there was discharge with a pinkish tint to it. I then wiped again an there was discharge with a thin line of what looked like blood. An hour later nothing has happened?? Is this the start of my period or?? I am confused if this is normal as I have never had this happene before in the three years I have had my period.

[Heather]

We can't know the answers to things like this, as we are not in some kind of secret communication with your uterus you yourself are not.

That said, it seems like again. Your anxiety here is driving the car, and we need to hold the limits we have set with that. You need to just wait things out here and see over the next few days if this seems like your period to you.

[Berry124]

I am sorry I just don't understand why this is happening and I just want my period. Sorry what do you mean by waiting and seeing if this is my period? Is there something wrong with me if it seems like my period or not? I have all the symptoms but no period I haven't had any more bleeding after earlier today so I am not sure what's going on if you said there is no risk of pregnancy from what I described, I believe you but I don't understand what's going on with my period, it's five days late and six tomorrow

[Mo]

Like Heather said, we can't tell you what's going on in your body because that's just not something anyone can do - we aren't uterus-psychics. I think what she was saying is that since this sounds like the start of your period, all you can do is wait and see if that's what it is. But we can't give you any more insight into it, and I agree with her that this is circling around to having us manage your anxiety which we, again, cannot do. Sometimes periods are late just because bodies are bodies, not machines, and our natural cycles don't run like clockwork.

[Berry124]

I know I am sorry, I was very stressed when I replied as I was stuck on a piece of work due in for the next day and it was getting late and I was tired sorry if I sounded like I expected you to know everything, but I did learn about the cramp thing. Also I was upset because my period was closer then I thought and I woke up today at six to find it had started in my sleep :/ but I am glad I have finally got it as I was in so much pain because the prostaglandins were making me ache everywhere and I had horrible PMS

I have decide though that because of all the panic I had about my period not coming until nearly a week late, that I need to stop this anxiety. I am not going to do ANYTHING that triggers me as this is getting too much to handle with all the stress in my life and until I am happier and therefore less likely to easily get upset, I am not going to do anything and my boyfriend will understand I am positive as he suggests waiting things out when I panic and leave them for now.