Keeping in Touch

[Raffles]

I'm not entirely sure if this is the right section to ask this question because the others seem to be about romantic/sexual relationships, but this seemed like the closest category.

For some background- I'm an introvert, and I generally keep to myself. But when I find someone that I click with, I really want to stick with them. It's rare for me, so those people are very important to me. I graduated high school a few years ago and lost 90% of my entire support system. It was devastating, and I don't want to do it again. Honestly, it's prevented me from forming close relationships in college because I know I'm just going to have to do it all again soon.

That said, there are a few people I have been able to keep in touch with. I'd like to keep that going. But I am so worried it doesn't go both ways. I always feel like I'm being annoying because I am usually the first to text/set up lunch. I'm worried that they feel obligated to stay in touch with me and dread hearing from me/seeing me. On the other hand, I know that not initiating contact is a sure fire way to fall out of touch. I don't want anyone to feel like I'm being invasive/crossing boundaries, but I do want to maintain relationships to some extent. I'm trying to do better about not assuming that everyone hates me and just tolerates me, but it's really hard. Is it wrong to ask people if they're alright with staying in touch? I'd rather someone just tell me if they don't want to see me than be friend ghosted because that hurts a lot.

Side note, but kind of related- It makes me so sad that people continually value romantic and familial relationships above platonic ones. As a person who doesn't have a partner or close family, I feel like I'm always going to be the second choice. And I'm not jealous, and I am really happy that they have those relationships. I'm just sad that I won't/don't have that. I really believe that platonic relationships can be fulfilling and long-lasting, but I'm just not sure how to do it.

Anyone have advice or tips for staying in touch with long-distance friends?

[al]

Hi there Raffles,

I don't think that it's a bad instinct at all to ask folks how they feel about keeping in touch! Asking others about their wants/needs and communicating your own is the best way to see if you're on the same page about something. It's so great that you're in a place where you'd rather hear straight up if someone doesn't want to engage with you - a lot of folks don't have that skill, and end up spending a lot of time playing mind games or trying to guess at their friends' or partners' or family members' wants/needs.

I also tend to have the problem you described, where I assume that people aren't initiating contact because they don't like me, or only respond because they feel obligated to. It's super hard to feel confident reaching out when you have those negative voices inside your head all the time.You mentioned trying to work on that- what do you find helpful when you're struggling with those thoughts? Do you have concrete reminders of your worth (Inherent or in relationships) that you can point to that contradict those thoughts?

Have you used any of the social apps that people are using right now, like House Party, or Marco Polo, or any of those?

I also totally feel you on the romantic vs. platonic relationships thing. One positive thing that's come out of this pandemic (in my view anyway) is that my friends and peers are realizing how important their friendships and non-romantic relationships are to their mental health. When we were able to get together at work or on the weekends or whenever we wanted, we kind of took that for granted. Are you experiencing that at all?

[Raffles]

The thing that gets me over the hurdle of contacting people is just knowing that if I don't reach out, there is no way that we would get in touch. I'd rather try and not get a response than not try at all. It's also knowing that people don't have to respond or meet up.
As for the importance of platonic relationships in the pandemic, I haven't really experienced that as much. My group chats are active, but we're all busy trying to figure out online college so it's not all that much contact. Luckily I'm out in a few weeks, so maybe I'll be able to spend more time "with" friends. I hope restaurants open up again so I can meet up with some people over summer, but who knows.

[Jacob]

I know it's been a little overwhelming for me Raffles, to have lots of platonic chums who I could connect with remotely, but just because the world stops it doesn't mean our anxiety always does, so the excessive amount of opportunity there is can be a bit of a challenge!

It can be good to just take your time. You could perhaps deal with one friend at a time maybe?

If there is someone who could be "the next person I will contact to catch up, whenever that is" - perhaps that'd help things a little?

[Raffles]

I do like to meet people one-on-one, even though I’m a bit awkward. I always worry about running out of things to talk about, but I feel like one-on-one give much more room for deep discussion. I hope I can go out to lunch with some friends if/when things open again. I feel kinda stuck at the moment. There are a few people I don’t know super well but want to be better friends with. I’m not sure if a “hey how are things going” text would be welcome.

[al]

Hi Raffles,

It sounds like those few friends might be opportunities for a blossoming relationship! I think that a "hey how are things going" text could work two different levels right now, like a) A general how are you, and b) A how are you doing in the age of COVID-19.
Whenever I find myself overthinking reaching out, and feeling worried about it, I ask myself, What's the worst thing that can happen? So, what do you think would be the worst thing that could come of you reaching out like that?