So to preface,
when the quarantine went into place, I met this guy on a dating app. I'll call him R. We've been talking a bunch, and I know that he likes me physically and mentally, and I feel the same way about him which is very nice.
We've been talking over Snapchat, and sending photos and stuff, and we're both of legal consenting age so it's all good there. On occasion we've video chatted and mutually masturbated together during this time.
The problem is that while he is able to get all the way to completion just from me, I struggle to stay aroused, and just usually end the video after he finishes then watch porn to reach the finish line myself. R says it's okay, but I feel bad for not being able to reciprocate his feelings towards me.
I don't understand why I can't maintain arousal during these chats, but when we send pictures I'm more than ready to go. This has in turn made me question if I'm addicted to pornography, and that I might be reading too much into our relationship that might actually just be a long term hook up, but my lack of experience with dating or relationships in general hasn't made me able to identify this.
Am I overthinking this?
-
Sam W
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 10004
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
- Age: 33
- Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Coast
Re: Am I overthinking this?
Hi Cudbear,
One thing that might be helpful is to, as much as you can, let go of feeling like this is a sign you don't or can't reciprocate R's feelings (or that you're "addicted" to porn, as problematic porn usage involves more compulsion than it sounds like you have). Arousal can be finicky, as can orgasm, so this is likely less about whether you feel attracted to R or enjoy being sexual with him and more about the methods. That being said, if you're worried about what this relationship is, whether it's casual or something else, that could introduce stress into the mix, which can be a big arousal killer.
Do the video chats feel different to you than getting the pictures? If so, how? Are there things about the video sessions that feel like they take you out of the "moment?"
One thing that might be helpful is to, as much as you can, let go of feeling like this is a sign you don't or can't reciprocate R's feelings (or that you're "addicted" to porn, as problematic porn usage involves more compulsion than it sounds like you have). Arousal can be finicky, as can orgasm, so this is likely less about whether you feel attracted to R or enjoy being sexual with him and more about the methods. That being said, if you're worried about what this relationship is, whether it's casual or something else, that could introduce stress into the mix, which can be a big arousal killer.
Do the video chats feel different to you than getting the pictures? If so, how? Are there things about the video sessions that feel like they take you out of the "moment?"
-
Cudbear
- newbie
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Fri Apr 17, 2020 2:22 am
- Age: 22
- Awesomeness Quotient: My openness to the world and new experiences
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: He/him
- Sexual identity: Gay
- Location: USA
Re: Am I overthinking this?
I think the main difference is that in the photos I can see most of his body and face, but the sessions are just close ups of his dick. Another thing that takes me out of the moment I guess sometimes is when he fingers himself during the sessions, which he enjoys. It just kind of reminds me that I'm still a virgin and don't have as much experience as he does, and that I usually take on the role of topping him when we message each other which is kind of draining emotionally for some reason.
-
Sam W
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 10004
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
- Age: 33
- Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Coast
Re: Am I overthinking this?
Those sound like some pretty significant differences, and like they may be sources of why the photos are more enjoyable for you. If you want to keep exploring the video sessions, do you feel like you could talk to him about maybe switching up what's shown?
With topping, sometimes taking on what's often thought of as a more "dominant" or "active" role in sex can be really draining, especially if you feel like you're supposed to be the one kind of guiding the interaction. Is it something you still enjoy? Or are you thinking you'd like to have a break from taking that role when you message each other?
With topping, sometimes taking on what's often thought of as a more "dominant" or "active" role in sex can be really draining, especially if you feel like you're supposed to be the one kind of guiding the interaction. Is it something you still enjoy? Or are you thinking you'd like to have a break from taking that role when you message each other?