Covid anxiety

[sky]

Okay hello again.

You all know I’m working through this. I work at a grocery store with a bunch of departments, today two people (they are bf and gf and live together) called out because they have symptoms of coronavirus. I freaked out because like we’re always so close to each other back there we have to be to get stuff done in the small spaces we have.

My mental health is shit right now, I have no time for personal things and it’s making things worse I feel like. (I’m not suicidal so don’t worry about that). I’ve been having horrible panic attacks and anxiety attacks. The past 4 days I’ve had major ones everyday. One day I literally couldn’t even move my legs.

I was hospitalized when I was 20 and my brain felt like it did when I was admitted and I realized that and I realized asking for help is okay and I also realized that I can’t do this alone and that’s 100%. So I contacted a therapist as I don’t have one right now and she was in the same office as my old one and I didn’t realize until she was like oh I can get notes on you from her and I was like awesome and we scheduled an appointment for today.

I got a call 2 days ago and it was her saying that “in person” therapy was very important to my old one and she’s following her plan and that she couldn’t see me because it’s via zoom and not irl. She said I could do intensive outpatient therapy instead and it’s via zoom, 3 days a week. I said no, because I can’t afford it because I don’t have insurance.

Like I don’t even know how to think clearly. Should I seek another therapist outside that office with prices I can afford? I just need some insight on everything because I’m a mess. I’ve been working at 2am so I work and then come home and clean up and do laundry and get to chill for a little bit and then I make dinner and go to sleep at like 6pm. It’s an exhausting cycle.

[Heather]

I'm sorry to hear about how you have been feeling, and sorry to hear about the dangers at work. Have you reconsidered continuing to go, given those dangers and since your grandmother said they could support you if you didn't go?

In terms of your therapy options, instead of assuming what has been offered to you isn't something you can afford, did you tell them you don't currently have insurance and ask about what options they offer for uninsured patients? Have you asked if that therapist might temporarily offer you weekly Zoom therapy since your old therapist had those conditions before we were all supposed to be sheltering in place, particularly if they don't have options for you with this per funding?

As well, for now and moving forward, have you considered filing for disability, Medicaid/Medicare or both?

[sky]

I just realized there’s a typo in the title I’m pissed lol.

Anyways, I actually can afford it, they have a payment plan and I can swing that. But I have to commit to 8 weeks and I don’t know the times and such and I don’t think I can work around it with work. And yes I’m making excuses because I don’t know what that’s like and new things make me anxious and I feel bad spending that money on me.

I don’t want to take time off because being alone with myself all day would be terrible for me. Way worse then being in the circumstances I’m already in with working. No, I haven’t done those but I will look into applying to those.

[Heather]

How about you first talk to them about your concerns about both being able to schedule this with work AND you feeling like you literally have to endanger yourself and others in one way (going to work during the pandemic when you don't need to financially) in order to stay safe another way? How about you also talk to them about being avoidant when it comes to committing to your own self-care and therapy?

(Got your typos. )

[sky]

Thank you for fixing it

I don’t know who to talk to. The person who called me today is just the finance person, not a therapist. I feel like this is mean but I don’t mean this in a rude way. I don’t think I need this. Its 3 times a week. Yes, I need help but I don’t need it that often. I feel Ike I’m not that bad.

Today I tracked my moods and then stopped because they change in about 30 minutes. It makes me feel crazy. One minute I’m so low and then like 30 minutes later I’m having the time of my life. I don’t even know what this iop is but I doubt it’ll help with that. I’m frustrated and lonely. I almost want to go just so I can have someone you know?

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

Therapists will often have an intake session (the first one or, in a system with lots of therapists, there's often a screening process to figure out a client's needs and pair them up with a therapist accordingly). I also wouldn't treat the three times a week as a dealbreaker, especially when it comes to just learning more about how therapy would work. Often there is room to adjust to a client's needs and constraints when planning out sessions.

With mood trackers, it might help to find one that only asks you to record your overall mood for the day or only record significant shifts in it. After all, our moods tend to go up and down on any given day, especially if were' stressed, so tracking them from moment to moment is just going to be extra-stressful.

[sky]

I’ve decided I’m not going.

[Mo]

Okay. To follow up on something Heather suggested, have you called back to ask them to reconsider having remote/Zoom appointments, if you aren't interested in pursuing the other option, so that you aren't going entirely without care right now? If you haven't, is that something you could make a plan to do soon?

One thing I've heard people say is helpful, when using mood trackers, is to set one or two alarms per day and record their mood right then instead of trying to take note of every shift or record moods at random times during the day. A friend used to have an alarm for 11am and 4pm since they often noticed fluctuations around then, and having a regular time made long-term patterns pretty apparent even if initially it felt like their results jumped around a lot.

[sky]

Hey everyone,

I found out the times aren’t gonna work for me so I’m not gonna be able to go. I don’t want to do therapy of any sort. I am not letting anyone else in. I do think disability is something that I’m going to have to get on. I went to the hospital last night (I know it’s risky I wore a mask and changed as soon as I got home and cleaned up with antibacterial soap)

I am out of work for 5 days now. In December I was out for a week for the same reason, in like October I was out for 2 for the same reason. I’m gonna be in awful medical debt but I didn’t really see another option. I can’t even file for fmla without insurance so I just have to keep being tough and work until I can’t anymore which is just causing me more damage because it swells my back and then pushes on the 3 disks I have bulging and makes me not able to stand and stuff plus the arthritis just makes it that much worse. I wish I didn’t have to work because I’m seriously miserable.

[Alexa]

Hey Sky,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in pain. I'm glad that you're taking some time at home to let your body recover.

Recalling something Heather mentioned earlier, and something I know you've talked about with us before -- can we talk through why you feel you need to continue working at the grocery store, even with your grandmother's offer of support? It might help us identify ways to alleviate your workload and help your body out, even if that doesn't mean quitting your job, necessarily.

I'm sorry that scheduling therapy hasn't worked out so far. It sounds like you go back and forth on how you feel about therapy in general. Why do you think that is?

[sky]

That’s just short term. This is never going to go away. Covid is never gonna stop. So why would I quit a job that’s decent just to have to find a job again like 2 weeks because I don’t have money. I did tell my manager that I can’t handle working the department I was scheduled because everything happening with my body.

I don’t know how I feel about therapy. I don’t need the help. I don’t need to let anyone in. I don’t want to tell someone something again. I hate ripping myself apart for an hour and then going home and doing life “fine” I’m never gonna heal from my trauma and I’m never gonna be able to get medications so why bother.

I have an old coworker from a past job and her son is a insurance person and I talked to him today and he talked to his supervisor and there’s nothing for me. So I have to wait until November and hope that I don’t lose my job due to my own restrictions. I think I have a way to get a note and coverage and minimum help but it’s gonna be a few hundred but my family is willing to help me after seeing how bad I’m struggling physically right now.

It’s this. It’s the fact my best friends aunt died from covid last week. It’s the fact that my cousin is being tested because he was exposed. It’s all too much. It’s the fact that I’m nervous I might be straight because I’ve never done anything with a girl and I’m scared I’m gonna lose all my queer friends they are all I have and if I lose them I have no one. I’m never gonna be able to just hold hands with one because of this stupid freaking virus is ruining everything for everyone. I can’t even hug my best friend and I’m just losing my mind. I hurt, I’m anxious, I’m just tired.

[Siân]

sky,

I can hear that you're hurting. The virus is causing all kinds of strain right now and it sounds like it's putting pressure on you in a lot of ways. I'm sorry.

These feelings that you're having - the anxiety, the hurt, the not feeling like your own care is worth prioritising - are exactly why therapy could be really great for you right now. Those feelings are big and scary and real but they are not telling you the truth. You DO get to spend time and effort on your own wellbeing, you CAN heal from the trauma with time and help and you AREN'T going to find your sexuality changes overnight just because you can't be physical with people right now.