Sex and all the complications

[Alexa]

Hey Shadowsong,

I really get how difficult and painful it can be to figure out what you want or need when you feel like you've been following the advice or desires of others for a long time. It can take practice, but it's really helpful to learn to check in with yourself and try to tune out others -- especially people who have refused to understand you in the past.

Do you journal at all? That can be a really helpful exercise for separating out how you're feeling into internally motivated things (like things that you want) and externally motivated things (like things that a therapist has repeated to you that may or may not have been helpful). It can also be a chance to check in with yourself a few times a day, and just ask yourself, "How am I feeling? Why? What do I need?" If journaling isn't your thing, taking some meditative time each day -- it can just be a couple minutes -- to ask yourself these questions might help, too.

Regarding the NGO that Sam shared with you: is that your impression from the website, or have you used that service before? I'm only asking because it can be easy to be distrustful of organizations when you've had a number of bad experiences, and I would hate to miss out on an opportunity for you to feel heard in the way you deserve. I completely acknowledge that you likely know things that I don't about the way those services work in your context, so if you've had trouble with them in the past, we can work on finding other ways to connect with care.

[ShadowSong21]

i like to think that I'm pretty well in touch with myself. I do ask myself often, how I feel and think why is that and try to come up with even small things to fix the situation at least a little bit.
Meditation isn't really my thing, and I thought couple of times about journaling, but I've never done it.

I've never contacted that particular NGO "Feminoteka", but even in their description on the site says they "help women", no one else is mentioned. Also "femi" in the name is because of servicing women. On their own website they clarify that they help all women "even transsexual". On their facebook they post a lot about women liberations and vaginas and such, I have my reasons to be distrustful of them. As for the part whether they think women can be perpetrators, it's just my assumption based on my previous experiences with people. The only way stated in which you can contact the is through voice call (whether phone or app). I tried to message them on Facebook but it's not possible. After deeper search I also found an e-mail for asking for help. Through shaking and almost crying I gave it a shot and wrote them an e-mail couple of minutes ago, but it took a lot of me, but now I can't say I haven't tried... I guess.

[ShadowSong21]

(I couldn't find post edit button)
The answered in couple e-mails they clarified the can chedule a psychologist in 25th June, and they only help women and it's either through visiting their office or on the phone. They're in another city, I can't really do phone calls and I'm not the target group that they help, so...

[Alice M]

Hi there, just want to leave a note letting you know that we see you. Someone else will be along to respond at some point soon.

[Mo]

I'm sorry that group wound up not being a great fit for you either in the scope of who they serve or in how they're able to offer help. It sounds like it took a lot out of you to even reach out and send them that email, so I imagine a discouraging response from them might have felt extra discouraging in this case. You deserve to be able to access help and care as much as anyone and while I wish I had an alternative organization in your area to point you towards I want to acknowledge how frustrating it is that this organization isn't accessible to you.

I do want to echo what Alexa said a few posts back about journaling as a helpful tool; it's not something I'm great at keeping up with, to be honest, but when I have gotten into the habit I do find that it can be a helpful way of organizing my thoughts and trying to separate out what I want vs. what other people might expect of me or what I might think I "should" want.

[ShadowSong21]

I'm not sure if I would even trust them, if they wanted to offer me help, because of how they present themselves and how they post etc. Yeah it is very discouraging, and I don't really believe anyone is able or willing to help me at this point, guess I'm doomed like other specialists implied.

I made a journal and started journaling, but I don't really believe it will help me clear out anything. I doesn't seem like I'm lost in my thoughts...

Also I contacted my old psychologist a while ago ( 12 days ago) but she didn't respond ... seems like everyone is just done with me. I don't wanna keep going like that :/

[Sam W]

I think contacting your previous psychologist was a sound move, even if you haven't heard back from her yet (I suspect most mental health resources are at or over capacity right now, which can lead to delayed responses). Do you think you could follow up with here in the next few days?

Obviously, you were the one who worked with those specialists and not us, but I suspect they were not trying to imply you're "doomed." From what you've mentioned, it sounds more like they were trying to say they were at the limits of what they could help you with, which is something mental healthcare providers do in order to help channel clients to services that do fit their needs.

Something I think you may want to include along with your journaling is looking into resources for how to challenge very all-or-nothing thinking. Something that's arisen more than once in our conversations here is sentiments like "I'm doomed" or "everyone is just done with me" as explanations for what's occurring in your life. Those feelings are, in themselves, very real. You're dealing with so much, and finding help that matches your needs has been challenging, and it makes sense you would find that discouraging. But over time, framing your life in those extremes reinforces the negative thoughts and gives them purchase, which in turn makes it harder to actually find or use the tools that could help you. Does that make sense?

[ShadowSong21]

My psychologist actually responded a little bit after I posted, and she said she missed my text and will reply towards end of the week.

I mean that would make sense if they couldn't help me anymore to recommend me to someone else, but it's just been abandoning me all together, saying that they are done, and there's nothing else they can do for me, and that all is good, and not referring me to anyone.

You know, it'd be easier not to think in such a way if I actually had hope, and if I actually had any possibilities left or to chase after or to work towards, but I feel like I've tried everything I'm aware of, and exhausted all the possibilities I have, and none of it worked. It's easy to have hope and to fight for yourself if you have possible solutions for your issues on the horizon, it's not, when I'm out of ideas and everyone I've been working with is as well, and they just end up shrugging me off.

[Mo]

I'm glad you heard from your psychologist at least, and that she hadn't intentionally ignored your message. I hope you can hear back from her soon and that she's able to offer some thoughts or point you in the direction of other resources if she's able to.

[ShadowSong21]

My psychologist just told me that I have to ask transgender people for recommendations. She told me she has noone to reccomend to me, and that she'll make a post on therapist group ton ask about it, but that's all she said.

[al]

Hi there ShadowSong,

I'm so sorry to hear that your therapist wasn't all that helpful. Really, it's pretty irresponsible for her to turn it back on you and say that she can't help you.
How have you been getting along in the past few days? Have you been able to journal at all, and if so, has it been helpful?

I did want to throw out another resource just in case someone hadn't recommended it - have you heard of the Trans-Fuzja Foundation? I found them when trying to look at resources for trans people in Poland, and it looks like they have contact info for people who want to reach out and seek support for themselves, or just get involved with the community. I know they're not an organization centered around survivors, but they might at least be able to provide some support in terms of connection with others, and potentially referrals to other resources.

[ShadowSong21]

It's fine, I expected as much from her.
Yes I've been journaling almost every day but it didn't do anything at all. I'm still very dysphoric, and feel hopeless a lot, and have some breakdowns and panic attacks here and there.

I did attend meetings for trans people for about 2-3 years that were organized by them. I had gone to over-weekend training with them. I worked with them. They are more focused on general situation in the country than individual help, and I know they offer only (one time) short time help, some consultation but nothing more.

I also find out more and more that the way people talk about transgender people, and sex in general trigger me and make me feel bad and worthless and shameful, even if someone recommends me some resources 95% of the time, they end up being more harmful to me than helpful. Itn just seems like my own bubble is the safest place where I can be more or less okay with myself.

[Amanda F]

Hi ShadowSong21,

That sounds really tough, that even the people offering resources end up feeling harmful. I imagine that must make you feel pretty isolated.

I'm curious about the times - the estimated 5% of times - that you talked to someone about this and it felt positive/helpful. Who were those people? What was it about those conversations/resources that felt good? Maybe we can find a way to recreate those experiences.

[ShadowSong21]

Hey Amanda,

It's hard because it mostly revolves around changed language. I can't stand to listen to actual/medical terms applied to me and to my body without getting heavily dysphoric. All comfortable conversations I've head, comments I read and stuff like that where the language was changed or impossible scenarios were discussed or some or most things were left out, untouched. So it's really hard to come by anything like that on purpose which would be compatible with how I view myself, my body and how it functions.

Also lately a disease developed that prevents me from getting sexual in any way and it's pretty frustrating to be unable to have sex with my partner or masturbate, and it seems like it won't be that easily solvable especially with the shitty healthcare we have and medical bills it would/could cause outside of national healthcare. :<

[Amanda F]

It's hard because it mostly revolves around changed language. I can't stand to listen to actual/medical terms applied to me and to my body without getting heavily dysphoric. All comfortable conversations I've head, comments I read and stuff like that where the language was changed or impossible scenarios were discussed or some or most things were left out, untouched. So it's really hard to come by anything like that on purpose which would be compatible with how I view myself, my body and how it functions.

Although it sounds complicated, I think this is a really good start! It's good to have identified something about those conversations that worked out. Are there particular words that you DO feel okay about? Perhaps you could make a list of them, and then ask people that you speak with to use those words. They may not be common, but you could make them so. You have the power to create change in your own life by making those words normal for you and the people with whom you interact.

Also lately a disease developed that prevents me from getting sexual in any way and it's pretty frustrating to be unable to have sex with my partner or masturbate, and it seems like it won't be that easily solvable especially with the shitty healthcare we have and medical bills it would/could cause outside of national healthcare. :<

That sounds really upsetting. Shitty healthcare is the worst! I'm sure you've thought of this already, but are there any low-cost clinics you could visit? I hope you're able to get some medical help soon.

[ShadowSong21]

I do have specific words, phrases I'm more comfortable with and I have a lot of them that I feel uncomfortable with.Should I name them here? Why would I make an list? I mean people that I do talk to about it I try to ask to use them when talking about me, but I don't talk to many people about it, mostly my partner, and in internet discussions and articles and guides they are not used hence why I feel like I can't really talk to anyone else or read anything about the topic because I can't change that. I asked a few of people on the internet that I spoke to about myself and nI used my terms yet they were adamant on using the general terms towards me and my body.

Regarding my problem it got a little bit better, so I'm not in as much hurry as before but I still want the problem to be resolved completely.

Other than that idk, I often feel on and off bad about myself and my body, very insecure. I feel like my body doesn't serve me well and I'm inhibited a lot by my body and by dysphoria.

[Alexa]

I think what's helpful about knowing what terms you're comfortable with -- whether you make a literal list or not -- is being able to create and direct conversations around bodies that feel good and safe to you, and hopefully, in doing so, expand the forums in which you're able to explore and heal around body things.

I'm sorry some of the folks that you spoke to were adamant about using uncomfortable terminology around your body! That's an excellent sign that those are not the right people to support you. But that doesn't have to mean that there aren't places where you can find that safety. <3