Sex and my brain don't mix, what can I do?

[PanTobi]

My fiancee and I have been together for over 4 years now, and our sex life is relatively bland. I suffer from ADHD, depression, and anxiety, and having sex is very hard to really do, or even get started. Often times she tries to get me in the mood by putting on some more suggestive material on one of our computers or on her phone, knowing that it will be distracting. If she tries to be a bit more physical to turn me on, it doesn't do too much. It's not that I'm not sexually attracted to her, but my body just feels suffocated. On top of that, my sex drive isn't particularly high, but hers is. We don't normally have relations more than once a month or maybe every 2 months, and it's very upsetting for her. Despite me telling her otherwise, it certainly seems like my problem is about her, but that's not the case.
Something that has bugged me for about the same length of time is how easy and enjoyable masturbation is. If I get in the mood, I can very easily masturbate and feel refreshed, but if she discovers that I did, she gets upset that I didn't put that energy towards having sex.
But having sex requires a lot of energy, and it's very generally boring in my head. It pretty much always go the same way, I need some sort of mental stimulation to keep me from getting too bored, but there's not much I can do there because if I try to go into my imagination, I will lose the sex drive I'm running on. I have found it impossible to provide oral sex because I get major sensory overload every time I've tried, the heat, the smell, the taste, it all makes me dizzy and sick. So our sex is usually me laying next to or sitting on top of her and using either my fingers or a toy to get her to orgasm and then having penetrative sex that only lasts a few minutes, and then that's it. It's the same thing every time, but I can't stay focused long enough to try anything else. And so if I don' want to have sex, it upsets her, and then I feel like an asshole. But it's all just the way my head processes it. It's so much work, and it's so hard to have monotonous sex, that if I ever do end up needing a release, masturbation is fast and easy and requires very little work.
I just don't know what to do, I'm making her upset and that's upsetting me, but I don't see a solution. Does anyone else have a similar issue or have any suggestions??

[Sam W]

Hi PanTobi,

That sounds like a stressful dynamic for both of you. I do want to mention that it's absolutely okay that you choose to masturbate rather than have sex with your girlfriend. As you pointed out, sometimes masturbation can be a very different experience to sex, or offer quick release, and there's nothing wrong with opting for it.

Can I ask how much of what you've told us you've also told your girlfriend? Too, you mention that boredom seems to be playing a role here. If you try to stay in the moment, rather than up in your head, during sex and focus on your girlfriend and the sensations you're both feeling, how does that usually go?

[PanTobi]

Almost all of this has been shared with her, with the exception of the boredom part, because she is liable to take it personally, as if I'm bored with her, as opposed to the simple repetitive action.
Staying in the moment usually leads to a sort of empty headedness. When I'm simply making her feel good, the end result is often me just waiting for her release, the same way I might wait for someone who ran into the store, it becomes more of a hope for the end goal as opposed to the journey to get there.
The primary reason this goes the way it does is because she very much wants penetrative sex to begin with, and though she feels good during, I don't have a large stamina pool so it doesn't last particularly long. More than a few minutes, but still not that long. So making her feel good beforehand is usually the best way to ensure that it's not a short trip that ends with her feeling just okay.

[Sam W]

Got it. Can I ask if there was ever a time when being in the moment didn't just feel like waiting for her to get off? And are you two only engaging in sexual stuff when you're both excited at the prospect? Or do you find yourself agreeing to it even when you feel pretty "eh" on the whole thing?

Another thing to try is for the two of you to try is to talk about what sexual things you're each interested in that you haven't tried yet. If your sex follows the same pattern every time, that can indeed get boring or feel like you're following a script rather than engaging in an active back and forth with each other. A list like this one could help you do that: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. Does that seem like something you two could try?

I do want to add that if you're on medication for ADHD, depression, or anxiety, that medication could have sexual side effects, including decreased interest in sex. So if you are on medication and this is really bothering you, it could be something to bring up with a healthcare provider or mental healthcare provider.