Blocking a guy asking for nudes

[Liltimmyt]

Hi! So I just had a guy asking me for nudes and normally I’d be ok with it but I’m on my period right now so I’m not comfortable with it. But he kept asking anyway and asked if I didn’t want to show my vagina if I could show something else. I just didn’t want to and ended up blocking him. I feel really bad now though. I don’t know why because it’s not like I owe him anything. I guess I just feel like I could’ve explained more? Or I just hate rejecting people and making them feel bad? I’m not sure but I just need to hear if it was ok doing what I did.

[Heather]

You know, if us having limits and boundaries makes people feel bad, those people have their own work to do. Too, it sounds like this person was being outright coercive: you only should have had to say no once.

I think it's great that you blocked him. Someone who shows us they won't respect our limits and boundaries is someone showing us they just plain aren't safe for us, and that's one of the most basic things we need to have interactions with anyone hold any kind of promise at all. There's not only nothing wrong with having and setting personal boundaries, it's vital for a healthy sense of self and healthy relationships with each other.

I do also think that generally sharing nudes with anyone on social or hookup/dating apps is something to rethink, just per your own basic safety. I think a better way to go is at least to build some trust with someone over time. You just never know what someone is going to do with nudes, and having a mess made of your life because of some rando dude feels like a whole lot of possible mess for a whole lot of nothing in return, you know?

Sounds like you have a hard time saying no: am I right on that? Is that something you want to talk about or work on?

[Liltimmyt]

Yes I send nudes to a lot of random guys because I want validation that I am beautiful since many times I don’t think I am. And so even when I don’t feel like it, I’ve sent nudes to guys because I just want to please them and for them to like me. I haven’t really had good experiences with guys and I haven’t found a guy that likes me for me. I’m in college and I’m a virgin and have never had a real relationship and so I guess I take every opportunity whenever a guy shows slight interest in me.

[Heather]

That sounds like a pretty hard way to feel, and also like a pattern of behavior that probably only makes you feel even worse in the long run. When we only do what other people want, we don't ever get to feel certain they DO like us because we can feel -- often validly -- they only like us because we do what they want. If we don't ever set limits and boundaries, one of the problems that creates is that we never get to find out who really *does* like us, you know? People who really like us will want us to be in a healthy interaction with them, very much including boundaries.

Patterns like this are probably part of why you haven't had good experiences, because it sounds like you're scraping (and trying to constantly appease) the bottom of the barrel here.

I saw your other thread where you've been talking to someone you're into. Is this someone who has been asking you for nudes, too, or is this someone who hasn't, or who you have been able to have some boundaries with?

[Liltimmyt]

He is someone who I’ve sent nudes to but he’s different. I’ve talked to him about it before and he says he doesn’t just talk to me because of that it’s because he actually likes talking to me. If I ever don’t feel like it I can tell him and never pushes me to send anything, he just tells me it’s ok. He says he wouldn’t be upset if I stopped sending nudes so I know he likes me for me than that. I’m able to communicate very openly and honestly with him and he does the same with me. So although I may not have anticipated liking him this much and just originally wanted to have fun and send nudes, it’s developed into something a lot more meaningful and I know he does like me.

[Heather]

That sounds wonderful! I saw that this still maybe not develop into what you want it to, because of his wants around distance relationships, but it sounds like even if that doesn't happen, this interaction so far is a really good thing for you.

I saw that you said there, too, you don't really have interest in others right now, so how about you go ahead and just try saying no to anyone else who comes in asking, since you know you don't actually have the interest anyway?

[Liltimmyt]

Yes that sounds like good practice. I just said no to someone who had been sending me nudes for awhile and I’m going to stop all interaction with other guys I think. I guess my only worry is that the guy I actually like isn’t completely on the same page. I’ve asked before and I was the only girl he was talking to, but I think he’s still open to looking at other options since he doesn’t want a distance relationship. But do you think it’s a good idea to just keep talking to him and see where things go? I’m worried I’ll end up getting hurt.

[Heather]

You know, even if he's not on the same page and this doesn't turn into what you want, it sounds like it'd be good for you to just see how this plays out anyway, if for no other reason than it sounds like it might be an interaction where you feel safe to practice having some limits, you know?

Can you protect your heart in this by trying not to get too attached, or by recognizing it might only go as far as it has, and that's okay?

[Liltimmyt]

Yes I’d like to continue talking to him. I don’t think I can protect my heart because he’s everything I wanted and I’ve never met a boy as nice as he is. So I know I’m setting myself up to get hurt and it’s really hard to know that I probably won’t ever get to meet him in person.

[Sam W]

Would it be helpful to talk about some things that could maybe help you protect your heart, or help you get okay with the idea that you may never meet him?

[Liltimmyt]

Yes that would be helpful.

[Liltimmyt]

I don’t know how to block my feelings for him especially when I can’t see any cons to him as a person.

[Sam W]

In some ways, you can only do so much to prevent yourself from feeling a certain way for him. What you can manage is your expectations and communication with him (too, while right now you don't see any cons to him as a person, generally the longer we're in contact with someone the more familiar we get with their flaws). And while you might not be able to prevent being hurt entirely, having realistic expectations is a big part of guarding your heart.

This article has some advice on managing expectations when it comes to long-distance relationships/relationships were people just aren't going to be able to meet in person: Going the Distance: A Few Thoughts on Long-Distance Relationships. This article is also really helpful in figuring out how a relationship is going to realistically look: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models.