Sexual Desire/Sensitivity Gone?

[bananakate12]

I guess I'll just get into it, I am a 17 year old girl (i turn 18 in a few days). I just got into my first relationship ever. We reach 2 months tomorrow! I really like him--definitely more than I've ever liked anyone before. But the thing is, no matter what him and I do together, I don't feel ANY sexual pleasure. Not only that, but I can't even get physically aroused.

I think it should be noted that I've never masturbated before, although since I was about 14 I would read erotic fanfiction to get me aroused--but then would never do anything about the arousal besides wait for it to go away. Once I started dating this boy, I wanted to try masturbation so I could find out whats good for me. But not even reading the erotic fanfiction turns me on anymore. Therefore, nothing works when I try to masturbate. Its like my sexual desire just left my body entirely. (although I do mentally want to be doing things)

And its not like the two of us aren't doing foreplay to get me buttered up. We are. It just doesn't work. And the more frustrated I get about it, obviously the more its not gonna happen! And I just don't know what to do. What if I'm asexual? I don't know. Please give any advice that you can!

[Heather]

Thanks for moving this to this channel, bananakate.

Thanks for filling us in. I hope it's okay to ask a couple more questions:

• Who is initiating the sexual activity? Both of you? Just you? Just him?
• And, on that same note, whose idea is it *what* you both do?
• Are you telling him that things aren't feeling good, or are you keeping it to yourself or faking pleasure?
• Do you feel a desire to be sexual with this person? Do you like him in a way you'd consider a sexual way for you? Or is that just not part of the feelings you have for him?

[bananakate12]

Usually it’s him initiating it. There was one time when I initiated it because I wanted to see if I could get turned on but it didn’t work.

Because he’s more experienced than I am, usually its him that decides what we do, but he always makes sure its okay with me first and if I say no we stop. I just don’t really introduce new things into the mix.

I haven’t really told him that it doesn’t feel good. I’ve never faked an orgasm or anything like that. But I usually get too nervous to tell him its not working, especially when I want it to be working but its not.

But yes, I definitely feel desire with him. I remember when we just started dating and never discussed sex before, I was thinking about how much I wanted to. But then as soon as we started being physical, that just entirely stopped. And I definitely find him very attractive.

[Heather]

Okay, so I have a couple thoughts:

1) The first thing really needs to be some open, honest communication. When a sexual partner doesn't know things aren't working for us, they're just going to keep doing the same things that same way, so we're going to find ourselves stuck feeling like we have to keep doing those things. It's a pretty sticky, shitty cycle. But also, we can't have healthy, mutually satisfying sexual relationships if we don't tell each other what is and isn't working. What do you think about at least sticking your toe in this conversation with him? What do you feel like you need to have it?

2) How about if you do that, the next thing you propose is that you two work to balance out who is initiating what? One way to do that in the kind of pattern that has been established here is for the partner who has been doing all the initiating (in this case, him), agrees not to do any for a set period of time, like a couple weeks, allowing you to -- but only if you want to -- initiate what YOU want and feel comfortable with. I also want to add that having previous experience with other partners doesn't mean someone knows what to do with someone new. When we're good at being sexual partners, we usually really do learn almost anew how to be sexual in every relationship because we're all so different as individuals and in combination.

3) If you don't feel comfortable talking to him at all about the sex happening but you're having it, that suggests to me that sex being in this probably is too fast for you. In other words, the pace this happened at probably wasn't right for you if you feel too nervous to talk about the things you're doing, you know? So, in the event what you feel best about or want is NOT to be sexual yet, I want to make sure you know you get to ask for that. Just because sex has happened in a relationship doesn't obligate anyone in it to continue being sexual, or sexual in certain ways, together.

How do you feel about all of that?

[bananakate12]

Thats really helpful honestly! I think that you’re entirely right, especially about the last part. He’s really not the type of person to pressure me into things, yet at the same time I feel like I need to be doing sexual things with him just because hes initiating it and I know he wants it. But I know for certain that if I just said that I wanted to take it slower, he’d respect that. Maybe I just need more time to get comfortable with him than I thought—and then maybe then I’ll be able to find out what works for me.

[Heather]

That sounds like a really good plan to me. I'm so glad this has been helpful.

I think it's also really hard to learn what we even like when someone else is calling all the shots, you know? A lot of that learning process really involves starting with feeling and identifying our *own* wants and desires, and while sometimes, those might dovetail with someone else's, other times they won't! Too, sometimes we may like it better or feel better when we're the one initiating!

How do you feel about having this kind of conversation? Do you need any help with how to start or have it?

[bananakate12]

I’m quite nervous about having the conversation. I figured I’d tell him sooner rather than later, and we usually call for a few hours before bed every night so I’d like to tell him then if possible.

Even though we’re very close, we very rarely have deep or serious conversations (We’re both just loud and funny people I guess so we tend to just laugh about things a lot). So I honestly have no idea how to go about introducing the topic so any tips would also be helpful.

[al]

Hi bananakate,

I totally get feeling nervous about being vulnerable or talking about "serious" stuff when that isn't something that happens a lot. One thing that I find helpful is thinking through what I might say, which you're welcome to do here. What would it be like to ask him to talk for a second, or to tell him that you want to share something that's been on your mind?
You mentioned that you rarely have those conversations - have you ever initiated a more serious conversation before, or has he? What about in other relationships (with friends or family)?

[bananakate12]

Hi!
Sorry for getting back so late, it has been a very busy past few days for me.
So I ended up winging the conversation with him and it went very well and he was very apologetic and promised to take it slow from now on. We even hung out today and kept it strictly PG-13.

I also wanted to ask about the masturbation thing. I mentioned a few things about that in my original post and I wanted to know if you had any information on why its difficult for me to make myself feel any pleasure/get myself turned on—even though I used to be able to get turned on.

Thanks!

[Sam W]

Hi bananakate12,

Glad to hear the conversation went well, and that you two have been able to re-set the level of sexual activity to a spot where you'll hopefully feel more comfortable!

With the masturbation troubles, let's start with the troubles you're having around getting aroused. Lot's of things can effect our ability to get turned on, including things that don't seem immediately tied to sex. For instance, have you started any new medications in the last few months or years? Have you had a spike in anxiety or depression?

Too, sometimes things that used to turn us on can get old or feel boring, which is another arousal killer. So with things like fanfiction, if you haven't taken time to explore some new veins of it, that could be worth a try. You can also try out some of the tips in this article to see if they help: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms.