processing sex?

[raginglesbian]

hi, so I'm kinda processing last night and I want to tell someone other than my mother lol. I'm 17 and my gf is 18, we've been dating for 3 months but have been friends much longer. She's a trans girl and I'm a cis lesbian, that's never been a problem for me bc I see her as her, not "him" (ew). she's got waxing and waning bottom dysphoria, some days there's pretty much none and some days you can't touch her. one thing we talked about at the beginning of our relationship was sexual boundaries and the like. she had a hard limit of "no piv sex" and I respected that. personally I wasn't opposed to piv and lately I've been really wanting it, but I knew (thought) it was a hard no for her so I didn't bring it up bc I didn't want her to feel pressured. last night I was staying over at her place (I'm a college student so my mom pretty much lets me do what I want, I have always been a responsible kid so she doesn't worry). in the heat of the moment, my gf brought up piv sex. we're both clean, we've only ever had sex with each other and I'm on birth control for medical reasons, and I've been wanting piv so I said yes (very enthusiastically lol). I asked her if she was completely ok with it now and I asked her if she was going to feel the same in the morning, and she said yes to both. we had the piv and it was really great, it felt really good for me and evidently really really good for her. I don't regret it at all, but I'm still kind of spinning on it. I know I checked in with her beforehand and throughout the sex, and she was always enthusiastically consenting, but I worry that she was into it while she was horny and after processing it for a few days, it'll make her feel dysphoric or otherwise bad. I'm also kinda processing the fact that I'm a lesbian who's had pic sex and really freaking liked it, I know it doesn't make me any less of a lesbian but knowing society doesn't think that makes me feel icky, idk. I'm not sure there's really a point to this post but I feel better having written it so I guess it was productive

[Sam W]

Hi raginglesbian,

It sounds like you and she communicated a lot both before and during this, which is one of the key ways of preventing you or she from feeling crummy afterwards. That being said, sometimes people do enthusiastically consent to something, then find out it makes them feel a bit off afterwards. Have you and she talked since you two had sex this way? If so, how did that go?

In terms of your own feelings around having sex involving a penis, while it's true that some people believe that this is something lesbians don't (or shouldn't) enjoy, there's way more people who understand that sex isn't that simple. If you feel that ickyness popping up, it can help to redirect it; so, instead of feeling icky knowing that some people would (wrongly) think this invalidates your identity, you could try framing it as, "there are people out there who reduce sexuality and gender down to your interaction with one body part? Gross."