I think purity culture gave me sexual anxiety

[brookie_cookie]

I'm a homoromantic heterosexual 19 year old. I want to have sex for the first time with a casual friend. I grew up in a Catholic school with a Catholic mother who always loved me, but stressed from the moment I was born the idea of purity she said things like "God is always watching" and "That makes god sad" She also would tell me constanly that if I ever ran away or got lost I would be kidnapped and raped, and of course masturbation was the worst thing ever, I got spanked a couple times for that. Pretty heavy stuff I know, but that was my childhood. Since then I have come out of the closet and developed anxiety and depression.

I've always enjoyed masturbation but I want more. I have given casual friends a blowjob and a handjob while drunk and I enjoyed it greatly, I felt empowered, sexy and free. so when I'm in the moment I know it's all a stupid phsychological thing, but I also don't want the only time I'm able to enjoy myself and my body be when I'm drunk and ive forgotten my pressured cautious childhood.

The days and weeks folowing I felt disgusted for no reason, I couldn't stand the thought of doing anything again and it crept into my mind gradually that this was bad and disgusting, that I was bad and disgusting and eventually I'm going to do it again and feel even worse.

I've been flirting with my friends Hella gorgeous daniel radcliffe-esque brother who is coincidentally loose and is single and not an entitled douche. After I had dinner with them I couldn't eat anything for a day and a half and my stomach was so tight that I threw up acid. When I was with them and flirting I felt awesome, and then it all came back after I left the applebees. I began to feel wrong and sick. Utter disgust flooded me

So yeah every time I ever think about doing anything for more then four minutes I feel disgusting, revolted, and I'm almost positive this is because my whole life I was told this is disgusting and revoltIng. Only a wife can marry and fall in love, kiss, and have a baby" pair that motto with I will be raped if I ever walk to the store at night and I'm a paranoid, self disgusted mess. I want to just do and not think. I want to be free from this and have a great first time. And quite frankly I want to do it sober. Being empowered, confident and happy shouldn't be something that's brought on by drinks. So how do I fight this headless monster?

And as an added note, I'm ready for this, it's not nerves that's holding back it's the idea that once I do I'll be tainted and messed and up. Also I droped religion when I turned thirteen but I feel as if it had alreaduring become engrained in ne.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, brookie_cookie.

You know, I get the impression, from many of our users, that quite a lot of people are struggling with the impact of this kind of culture on their sexualities and sexual lives. I think you've expressed some common impacts of that I, too, have been seeing people struggling with, very clearly. And I'm so sorry to hear that this is something you are struggling with.

Given, however, the extreme nature of some of what you're feeling -- it sounds like this really is very intense and acute for you sometimes, and like these feelings are having a pretty big impact on your whole life, not just your sexuality -- this sounds like a level of suffering I'd personally suggest seeing if you can't get some ongoing, pro help with, like with a counselor.

One thing sex therapists tend to do more work with than anything else is the impact religious/family shame has had on someone, since that can create pretty intense, ongoing struggles for many people. And in some places, this is bigger, it's cultural, not limited to just a given church or family. In your case, sounds like it's both.

Since you know that all your other bits are in place -- you want the sex you're engaging in, you feel ready for it, and when you're in it, you feel good about it -- it seems to me this would probably be the best first route to trying to unpack this more and learn to ditch it over time.

Is counseling, of any sort, something you may have access to via any healthcare you have? If not, would you like for us to take a look and see what might be available to you at no cost or low cost locally? Is there someone you already see for the anxiety, depression or both?

(I would also suggest some reading for you, but you sound pretty schooled in this already. But if you want some book suggestions to do some of your own work with this, by all means, let me know, and I'll toss a few things out there for you.)

I do think one conversation we can have per choices with sex you want to make now is figuring out how to consider if it's worth it for you, at this time, before you've gotten help with the onslaught of yuck after sexual activity you have been dealing with. Do you want help with that?

Can I also ask if you are still living at home, and, as well if you have ever talked to your mother about any of this with any positive (positive in the sense that maybe she took some responsibility and/or that conversation made you feel able to let any of this go some) results?

[brookie_cookie]

Thanks for responding! I do live at home with my mother stepfather and little sister. As far as counseling, I used to have a therapist and psychiatrist, but I moved states two years ago and have seen them about 5 times. I am actively looking for one around here, though! I would love some reading materia, it never hurts to be educated.

As far as talking to my mom about this, if you really think it would help. When I was 16 I kissed my girlfriend of 4 months in front of her, she said she didn't want to see that again and most certainly not in the house. She doesn't let my 24 and 21 friends sleep in the same bed when they come to stay, despite they've been dating for 3 years. Although I'm past legal age and she knows I have my own social life she isn't comfortable with the idea at all and she would probably end the conversation, I can try though?

Oh and she's not homophobic at all and never has been

[Heather]

Hey, Brookie, sorry to leave you hanging here.

Per talking to your Mom, I don't know her -- and your dynamic together -- and you do. I was asking if you had to try and sort out how that had gone, and if that had proved promising or discouraging for you.

I hear you saying your mother isn't homophobic, so I assume, then, her intense objection to you and your girlfriend kissing was that she just is not okay with (for you? for anyone?) physical affection, period?

When you had the counseling, were you able to talk about any of this? If so, is there anything from that you can work on carrying over?

In terms of books, I think "Yes Means Yes," edited by Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti (it's an anthology, I have a piece in it myself) would be a great start if that's not familiar to you. You also might find Jessica's book on purity culture helpful, too.