Gf and I have a disconnect with sex

[transfemandgay]

My gf and I have different views on sex because our experiences with it have been wildly different, and somehow quarantine when we're not having it is making that disconnect either worse or more apparent.

I have sex for pleasure; my gf has sex for intimacy with me, even if it isn't that much pleasurable.
I'm attracted to people because of their physical appearence; my gf is attracted to people because of their emotions.
I react strongly to porn I like and want to share it with my gf; my gf doesn't really care for porn and would rather avoid it (although they look at the things I share with them).

Up until meeting me, the idea of having sex was out of the question for my gf because of their asexuality. It wasn't until meeting me did that change because of how open I talked about sex. And, obviously, we're dating now and having it. We've talked about the attraction thing because I was starting to feel self-concious about how my gf views my body. I look for approval for my physical looks but my gf doesn't express attraction/love that way, hence the emotion thing. I better understand that now. The other two, however, are still making me self-conscious.

When we have sex, I know my gf enjoys the intimacy of having sex more than the pleasure, but I still can't help but feel bad that I don't know how to finger them properly or that I can't give them an orgasm when we have penetrative sex or that I don't like eating them out even with dental dams or that penetrative sex only lasts a few minutes before I cum because I can't last very long. I know they don't expect me to do something I don't know how to do well or to do something that I'm not comfortable with, but I feel like they kinda do at the same time? Recently, when I ask for foreplay they don't want to do it but they want me to do the same to them. I don't force them to do it nor do I want them to but idk I wish they would return the favor.

The porn thing just has to do with the fact that I consume a lot more porn than them. They're fine looking at porn and the porn I send, they just don't really want to actively look for it. I send them stuff I think they'd like like WLW porn drawn by WLWs or just cute girls or something and I want to share the act of enjoying the porn, but usually they give a one word response (lmfao) or talk about how bad the drawing is. I joke about it saying like "Your artist mind can't just let me be horny, can it." but idk still feels bad when you want to share something with someone and they don't care for it or hate it.

I know I shouldn't make them give me foreplay or look at the porn I send them if they don't want to cause that's what consent is. But man is it making my feelings feel invalid right now. I really don't know how to talk about this with them. I've tried having a proper discussion about this with them but my gf ends up replying with thy don't know what to say and the discussion gets shot down. Help?

[Sam W]

Hi transfemandgay,

That does sound like a tricky situation for both of you. I think the porn situation is a little bit easier to solve, since the basic solution is to not send those links to her any more. They don't interest her, and it bums you out to share something you like and get a "meh" response back. Too, it's pretty common for partners to not share everything they like with each other, more so with things like porn that have an extra level of comfort or desire on top of the interest.

It does sound like there's a communication issue around sex that need to get sorted out. When you've tried to have these conversations in the past, the ones that get shot down, how have you approached them? What do you normally ask to talk about?

[transfemandgay]

I’ve pointed this out to them before with almost the exact same wording. We have different views on sex and that it makes me worried. I have it for pleasure, them for intimacy. And I’ve explained that when I cant return the pleasure they give me I feel bad cause, to me, why else would you be having sex if not for the sensations, the pleasure, and the orgasms. At the same time, I feel like they won’t put in the effort to learn what is pleasurable for me and try it during foreplay even though it feels like they expect me to for them. I would ask if they would like to give me a handjob during foreplay but they always say no with a kind of... idk how to explain it like “disgusted?” face? So sex just turns to me failing to pleasure them and then a few minutes of thrusting before I cum. My gf knows about this already and I said we should have a serious discussion about it. I say serious because our anxiety and depression can cause us to spiral into just pure misery and needless apologizing to each other and there are certain text cues that cause that. But last time that happened neither of us knew what to start or even what to talk about and the conversation ended with my gf saying they don’t know what to say. I haven’t approached it since cause I feel like I’m just beating a dead horse and wallowing in my self consciousness. We joke about it a lot calling each other pillow princesses (wlw subs who expect to be pleasured without returning it) and what not.

[Sam W]

I can see how this is leaving you both feeling stuck, or like you're at an impasse. I can definitely give you some tools to have this conversation, but it might be that, on some level, you two are incompatible around your sexual needs and boundaries in a way that isn't sustainable. Right now it sounds like sex isn't pleasurable (either physically or emotionally) for either of you, and you two may need to decide whether tabling it entirely is the way forward,

When you decide to have this conversation again, these resources might help you both feel less like you're sitting there going "uhhh, how do we start:" Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner, How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics.

[transfemandgay]

I don’t think putting sex off entirely is the way to go? I love my gf and we have talked about it and agreed to be in an open relationship to satisfy our sexual needs. I still want to have sex with them but I don’t know where to even start talking about it. Like where do you begin?

[Mo]

I think if you aren't able to really talk about the disconnect you're having when it comes to sex, that may be a big reason why taking a break for now would be helpful. It sounds like what you're doing right now, where your partner seems uncomfortable or even disgusted by things you ask for and you aren't sure what to do for them to feel pleasure, is causing a good bit of distress for you both, which is understandable! And I think trying to address this will be easier if you can put sex on hold while you talk about it, instead of trying to communicate about something that's an ongoing issue. And if you truly can't manage to have an open and productive talk about sex together, that may be a sign that a sexual relationship won't work out between you two right now; you really do have to be able to communicate about sex to be able to have a sex life that's healthy and fulfilling for everyone.

In terms of where to start, could you ask your gf for specifics in terms of what they want to get out of sex with you, and what kinds of sex they feel comfortable engaging in? You say they're interested in the intimacy of sex, but have they talked about what in particular feels most intimate to them when you're being sexual together? What do they most enjoy about sex with you? If they're less concerned about having an orgasm than with feeling close to you, can they give you some details about what in particular they want to experience during sex that will leave them feeling fulfilled, or if there are some expectations they have that they haven't communicated to you yet?