My friend

[Annabanna]

I have a friend who told me that she sometimes sexualizes herself and plays games were judges judge her body parts and sexualize her, and she said she acts sexy. But she said she feels awful after and angry at herself. She was abused by a close relative years ago. But when men and boys try to sexualize her she doesn't like it and she gets uncomfortable. I don't know what to do!! Is she messed up?

[Sam W]

Hi Annabanna,

I wouldn't say your friend is messed up. Instead it sounds like she, like many women, is trying to navigate all the messages we get about our bodies being for the consumption and pleasure of others and the fact that those messages are pretty dang rage-making. Too, if she's a survivor, abuse can also introduce complexities into how she relates to her body.

You mention you don't know what to do. Can I ask why you feel like you need to do something? Did she ask for your help or advice around this?

[Annabanna]

Thanks for replying! Yes. She asked for my help.

[Sam W]

You're welcome! Okay, when she asked for your help, was she asking for help doing (or stopping) a specific thing? Or was it more she was asking for advice on what to do about this situation in general?

[Annabanna]

She was asking me to help her stop doing that.

[Sam W]

The tricky thing about that is that she's the one in control of her thoughts and actions. You could certainly give her a space to process or vent about her feelings about her body, or encourage her to find resources that might help her sort through her feelings. Do either of those things sound doable?

[Annabanna]

Thanks. Maybe?

[Amanda F]

Per Sam's suggestion, what are some ways you think you might be able to do those things (give her space; help her with resources)? Would you like to brainstorm some things together?