Feel dirty because of fantasies

[cassie12]

I've recently figured out how to masturbate with my hands. I couldn't work it out before so I bought a vibrator which works great, but things tend to be over very fast when I use it so I don't have time to think about much. I'm really glad I can finally get pleasure from using my hands, but It takes longer so I need to fantasize to make it work. I've really surprised myself by enjoying myself most when thinking about what I guess I'd call "kinky" things- being bossed around/told what to do, being told I'm a good girl etc. I can't help but feel like I'm not supposed to want these things, especially when I'm so inexperienced (I'm a virgin)?? I don't judge other people for this stuff but for some reason I just feel gross and perverted. I can't help but like it though. Is it normal to want these things so young? Is there something wrong with me that makes me want it?

[Jacob]

Hi there cassie!

Welcome to the site... I'm sorry this has been stressing you out.

I will say that your fantasies and your mind are completely private and personal to you. It can be a little scary when something we weren't expecting or which feels unfamiliar appear in our fantasies, but it's ok... that can also be part of why we find something erotic.

It can also be a reminder that we have sexuality, which society has a really hard time admitting of young people. But you do have sexuality and it is perfectly healthy (and definitely not 'perverted') for that to be true!

There aren't really 'types' of fantasies anybody is meant to have or not meant to have, or an correct order... like:

"Start at age 13 with fantasies frollicking through fields of blooming flowers..."
"At age 46 you're finally ready for dungeons, dragons and bedroom witchcraft"

So you're ok!

It's also possible that while you might like a bit of being bossed around in your fantasies... it might not be a thing which you would enjoy with a partner. So please don't feel that just because you've fantasised about something that you have to do it, or that it means you even want to actually experience it. If you say the thought grosses you out, then it sounds like for now you actually don't want it but have simply enjoyed the thought of it a couple times.

I hope this helps!