My feelings about my gender is changing rapidly

[transfemandgay]

I've identified as a trans woman for 4 years now. I've felt content with my identity ever since 9th grade. When I later realized I liked having a penis as a girl more than the idea of having a vagina, I thought I was done with the whole gender thing. For the most part, I solved my bottom dysphoria. I thought I had myself figured out. Hahahaha nope. All of this is related to my sexuality, my genital preference, the kind of porn I consume etc. etc. It's kinda complicated to explain.

I'm completely disgusted by masculinity unless it's presented on someone assigned female at birth (afab). I find masculinity unattractive on people assigned male at birth (amab). I like masculine and feminine girls and I like feminine presenting boys (femboys). The idea of a macho muscly man is completely unattractive to me, but I would fall head over heels for a cute boy in a skirt. I know for a fact that I am completely attracted to femininity, no matter a person's gender or sex. I have also found out that I have a huge genital preferences towards penises. Whether it's attached to a girl, a femboy, or a femboy so feminine you can't tell they're a boy. Not a problem, although 8th grade me would've been absolutely shocked.

This is where the confusion starts. I've mentioned before that I consume a lot of porn art of girls with penises and femboys. I usually try to ignore the slurs used to describe the art, though, because porn of my body type is rather hard to come by unless it's drawn. Recently, however, I've started to... identify (?)... with the femboys in the art. Femboys are NOT female per the name itself, they are very obviously male identifying. Usually they're flat chested and in feminine outfits. Most of the time, they're also drawn having sex with a penis. Obviously, I identify with the trans women I see, but identifying with the femboys is confusing me. I've always thought of myself as 100% girl 0% boy. The fact that I have a penis sure as hell isn't going to make me feel any less of a girl (in fact, having a penis made me feel more like a girl). But, now, I'm starting to feel like I want to be the femboys in the art I see. I know for a fact that I still want to use she/her pronouns, go by my chosen name, and present femininely. But, I also wouldn't mind if I dressed up as and was seen as a femboy in sexual cases where I want to be. That's the thing, I can only see myself as a femboy in explicetly sexual situations. Like, it's wild for me to think about. I'm a trans girl that might be part boy because I want to be seen as a feminine boy. I'm having trouble even articulating what I mean.

My girlfriend pointed out to me that this could be just be because femboy porn don't use the slurs I see commonly with trans women porn art ("sissy", "shemale", "futa", "trap", etc.). I'm attracted to that kind of art because I can see it as trans girl art but not as offensive, and maybe it makes me feel boyish but I can still be 100% girl. They also pointed out to me that I could very well be non-binary or genderfluid, but who knows.

I don't think I've lied to anyone. I don't think I've lied to myself. But, it feels like my previous experiences have been lies? To be fair, eighth grade bisexual male identifying me also said they would never have sex with a penis. Now look at me, discussing how how much I want to have sex with a penis makes me confused about my gender. I'm having trouble navigating these feelings of boyishness (don't know how else to describe it) since they go against how I thought I felt for the past 17 years. And, now I'm starting to question if I even want to develop tits for my transition into a woman. Girl me says absolutely yes, boy me says Hmmm. But femboys don't have tits. Right now, my brain has just been a big aaaargh!! for a few months. It's this feeling that just comes and goes when I look at some porn art but it's gotten stronger a few times. Anyway, hahahaha idk how to finish this except help?

[Jacob]

Hi!

I can relate to lots of this, it can be a whirlwind for the mind when different and changing aspects of our likes, dislikes, identities, bodies and sexualities are marked as 'masculine' or 'male' or 'feminine' or 'female' or 'gender-neutral' or 'agender'.

I'm not seeing anything here that says you've lied to yourself in any way... you sound like you're very honest with yourself which can sometimes be why things that might be contradictions to society at large, reveal themselves to us, because we're willing to look there.

If the debate over whether something is 'authentic' vs 'a lie' was taken out of the picture though, might that change things?

I feel like some or many parts of our selves can be life-long mysteries, which often don't even need to be solved because their component parts are the thing we usually have to deal with. Less so any combination of underlying causes. Is any of that relateable?

[transfemandgay]

I certainly understand how figuring this stuff out can take years and it’s not too important to understand the whole but the parts. I feel like I made this post wanting someone to tell me what I am and how I should feel. Navigating these contradictory feelings is really difficult for me.

[Heather]

I wanted to add that there is still SO little room allowed for anything but very binary identities to trans people, so the pressure to not just identify as that 100% man or woman (that I suspect *no one* probably is over a lifetime, honestly), but to conceptualize ones own gender that way is so tremendous.

I’ve known quite a few trans people who started out very binary in their identities and then, over years or decades, got a little less so. That doesn’t make anyone less trans or not trans. It just makes gender as potentially fluid over a lifetime as it - like orientation, like so many parts of our identities - can tend to be.

[transfemandgay]

I think a part of me is kinda resistant to exploring other identities as doing so would open new complications to me. But I should probably allow myself to explore non-binary genders anyway. That really helped. Hell, even if I still identify as trans girl, that doesn’t stop me from presenting as a femboy.

I guess instead of someone flat out telling me what I am, I kinda want some help navigating my new feelings? Like questions to ask myself about why I feel boyish and what not. Less about how my feelings are valid and more about how to understand them since I’m having trouble with that. If that’s okay?

[Heather]

Hell, even if I still identify as trans girl, that doesn’t stop me from presenting as a femboy.

Absolutely. This idea that we have to have our external presentation "match" our or anyone else's ideas about what our gender is -- not because we want to have them match, but because they have to -- is based in oppression and heterosexism (which s also what all the original standards for trans care were also based in).

You are who you are, and you present how you present, and where or if those things don't intersect or cross over doesn't invalidate either of them.

I think it might help to remember that your identity can be as private as you want, as can your own thoughts about it, how you experiment with it privately, the works. I'd suggest you give yourself permission to explore this in ways that don't create any new complications right off the bat -- tat you marinate in this over the next few months, at least, and just see how you feel and where your thoughts go.

We can totally have those kinds of conversations with you. Do you want to say a little more first about what you're struggling to understand?

[transfemandgay]

I’ll do my best to articular how I feel. I’m having trouble understanding what these feelings are exactly. Like in the early stages it started with me fantasizing about having sex with a fem person with a penis. So a trans girl or a femboy. Then it slowly divulged into oh shit what if I was the femboy. Like being a girl with a dick is a way different feeling than being a femboy with a dick. A part of me wants to be that boy in that situation as a boy, specifically without tits. Which now makes me question if I even want to develop tits since I can’t take that back. Every so often I switch around depending on how I feel and what I see.

There was that meme that went around called “Femboy Hooters” where it was just a Hooters but staffed by femboys instead of cis girls. I joked with my friends that I would totally work there as a femboy. Except a part of me was actually serious about it. I’d want to be a femboy, just called a girl and using she/her.

Being a femboy is explicitly sexual to me. I wouldn’t want to be a non-sexual femboy. I’d want it to be in sexual situations where sex will happen with slutty outfits and what not. So, I’m thinking that I identify as a girl unless I’m horny enough to feel like presenting as a femboy. I don’t know if this is just some kink I have or that I’m just especially attracted to femboys or that I legitimately identify as some form of part boy (I don’t even want to use the word “masculine” cause that’s not true). I look at femboy porn and I just want that outfit and that partner or to be used in that way or something idk.

[transfemandgay]

To add, I don't even think that statement about me being a girl unless I'm horny enough to be a boy is even true. It feels more like I can only be a femboy when I'm horny because I only imagine myself as a femboy in sexual situations. And, since my gender is related to how I feel about sex, I can't tell if that is starting to overlap with how I feel in non-sexual situations. I'm even starting to doubt if I feel like a femboy only in sexual situations. Who knows?

[Sam W]

Hi transfemandgay,

All this context is really helpful, so thank you for that!

With trying to parse out whether this is mainly a sexual thing, when you're imagining yourself as a femboy, what specific feelings or desires do you associate with it? And when you think about being or presenting as a femboy in non-sexual situations, do you notice those same feelings or desires popping up again?

You could also come at it from a different direction: why do you think the femboy thing only seems to arise when you're horny? Is there something about sex or sexual fantasies that makes it easier or more appealing to to think about yourself that way?

[transfemandgay]

I can't really think of an answer to the first question other than I feel horny. Like, maybe I want the outfit or something. There was this one drawing I saw and it was this femboy in a princess dress with a royal servant attending to his chastity cage. For all intents and purposes, you could not tell the character was a boy except for the fact that he is lifting up his dress showing his cage and that he's flat chested. And, I really liked the idea of being a femboy dressed as a princess and referred to as a princess as well as the idea of being a trans princess. I don't know why but the only way I can explain it is that presenting as a female passing femboy except for the fact that I'm flat chested and have a dick feels different than presenting as a girl who happens to be flat chested and has a dick. And I want both situations. I'm flat chested and I still have my dick (which I wanna keep), so right now I pass as biologically male. But, I don't know where I want to take my transition. I'm actually even considering forgoing HRT and getting implants instead.

But, in non-sexual situations, the only thing I really desire is the outfit. Whether it's a dress or some booty shorts and a crop top, I start to feel mostly like a girl again. When I think of myself in the same outfits but, say, walking through a public space, I want everyone to see me as a hot girl. Except... the longer I think about it the more the desire of wanting to be seen as a hot femboy creeps in. That's what's difficult about it. The longer I think about how much of a girl I am, femboy me comes in like unless... and I'm like unless...? That's how this entire thing started. Hahaha! What if I worked at Femboy Hooters! I know I'm a girl, I'm kidding I'm not a femboy. Unless...? That's literally it, that's it in words. I just want to be seen as "girly", not necesarilly "a girl", just "girly." And, right now, all I know is that I want to be seen as "girly" as either a girl or a boy (or part boy girl?).

I'm pretty sure the reason wanting to be a femboy comes in fantasies is because it's exactly that: a fantasy. Right now, I can't dress as a girl or a femboy (cause parents). If it were up to me, I would totally go out in booty shorts that show off my ass and crop tops, mini-skirts and tube tops with thigh highs and combat boots, floor length dresses that show my shoulders and have a leg slit in them, and g-strings that barely even cover my dick. Hell, I would wear that goddess outfit I've wanted to do for a really long time. Plus, in no time right now can I be a 24/7 princess where I have sex with the servants or work at a Femboy Hooters where I have sex with my co-workers. It only comes up in fantasies cause that's where I can imagine myself being the more free to explore my gender and my body and my desires and my presentation. I don't know this post was kinda hard to write and understand so hope this helped.

[Amanda F]

Hi transfemandgay,

I'm curious how you feel innately about gender. You've mentioned wanting to be seen as a hot femboy, or seen as girly, which are both presentations of gender, and related to but not quite the same as your personal internal experience of gender (like Heather mentioned earlier).

What do you imagine it would feel like to BE a femboy vs to BE a transwoman, in both sexual and non-sexual situations?

Also, I totally hear you on the "I feel horny" and want to mention feeling (really) horny is very normal for people at your age. For most people, it tends to decrease at least a little bit as you age, so you may not be feeling this level of horniness forever. Everyone's different, though.

[transfemandgay]

Um, so I'm stumped. I don't know how to answer that question? I don't know what feeling like a gender means. I guess if I explained how I felt like I knew I'm a girl?

I found porn really early. Everytime I watched it, I felt like I wanted to be the girl in that position. I felt really frustrated that my parts aren't as sensitive as hers, and I wished everyday that I would be a girl. I forgot about that for a little while but it was probably always in my head. Then, I discovered something called gentle femdom on Tumblr. Instead of normal femdom, it was a lot sweeter and nicer. A sub was still dommed around but it was with head pets and praises. Instead of "mistress", it was "mommy". Instead of "slave", it was "kitten." I saw men in subby "feminine" positions being praised and rewarded and dommed by women. They were getting pegged, something new to me. After making queer friends, I realized holy shit I'm a girl!! Somewhere around that time I came to terms with being a girl with a dick and I liked it a lot more than the idea of going without it. And, now I want to have sex with people who have dicks. Yup. That's how I felt when I found out I'm a girl. So... I have no idea how this applies to how I feel about being a femboy.

[Mo]

The question "what does it mean to feel like a particular gender?" can definitely be hard to answer, and I think different people (whether they're trans or cis) will have different takes on that question. One thing I wanted to point out is that being drawn to and identifying with certain kinds of people in porn (or other fictional material), or even "wanting to be" them, can mean a lot of different things too. It might mean wanting to explore having the same body or gender they have, being interested in a certain sexual dynamic they aren't seeing in other erotic material, or wanting to be an object of desire for a particular kind of person, among other things.

Earlier in the thread you said "I look at femboy porn and I just want that outfit and that partner or to be used in that way or something" and it sounds like there are a lot of common elements in terms of sexual situations, dynamics, and clothing that you're coming across in femboy porn that are appealing to you. Do you think if you saw those same elements in a situation that was explicitly centered on a trans woman, they'd be as appealing?

[transfemandgay]

Well yeah? A trans girl in a princess dress is just as hot if a femboy wore it. A trans girl hooters is just as hot as a femboy hooters. Etc. etc. The only thing I’d want to point out though is that when I think of a trans woman in a sexual context, I only think of a woman with a dick because that’s what’s attractive to me and it’s closest to how I’ll look when I transition. So positions where a femboy is having sex can be interchanged with a trans girl and vice versa and I’ll still find it just as appealing. It’ll just feel different for the reason that one is a boy and one is a girl, but both are feminine. I can see myself in both positions and desire to be in either position.

[Sam W]

I think you may have actually hit on part of what these feelings are attached to for you in the spots where you've mentioned that it's the femininity or being read as girly/feminine that is part of the appeal to you, as well as something you want for yourself in your daily life as a trans woman. So even if you don't want to necessarily be a femboy, the way femboys present lines up with what you like to imagine for yourself?

[transfemandgay]

I feel like that’s only part of the answer, though, since my presentation often lines up with and determines my gender. There’s this feeling I get when I look at femboy porn that’s subtle but really hard to ignore. It’s this feeling that it’s more than wanting to be in that position, or wearing that outfit, it’s that I actually want to be somewhat boyish? Like I want to be feminine, but that I want to be feminine as a boy and not just a girl. I don’t know how to rectify that with my current gender, though. I say I might be part boy so it doesn’t feel like I’m committing.

[transfemandgay]

Aaaaaaagh. Whenever I look at femboy porn, I feel boyish. Whenever I look at trans girl porn, I feel like a girl. Oh god?!

[Alexa]

Hey transfemandgay,

I hope it's okay if I jump in here! Can you tell me a little bit about why wanting to (sometimes) be seen as a femboy and (sometimes) be seen as a transwoman conflict in your head? You mentioned gender fluidity above, and instinctually, I'd encourage you to read up as much as you can/follow a bunch of cool genderfluid folks on socials/ etc. to see whether the ability to play with and fluctuate between genders feels best to you. But it sounds like that doesn't quite click for you as an option right now, so I'm wondering if we can parse that out together!

[transfemandgay]

Being a femboy and being a trans woman conflict in my head because for three years I haven’t felt like a boy at all. Before I identified as a trans woman, I used the labels non-binary and genderfluid because I was so confused about how I could be a girl but enjoy having the genitals I was born with. And I thought I rectified that years ago by just saying I’m a girl with a dick and that was that. I didn’t like the idea of identifying as/feeling as any part boy until a few months ago cause... I just don’t?

I probably wouldn’t mind using genderfluid again, but that’s a lot harder to explain than saying “I’m a trans woman” which is why I’m hesitant to adopt any non-binary labels. Plus idk I like the label “trans woman”?

Is this even like? Valid??? Idfk the idea of my gender changing with the porn I look at kinda seems ridiculous to me. Like, in the best way I can describe it, what if I’m only as much of a boy as a drag king is? Some drag kings arent boys and just dress that way for entertainment. And considering I only see myself as a femboy in explicitly sexual situations, would that even be a gender I should consider??

[Amanda F]

Your gender changing in response to some outside stimulus (e.g. porn) is totally valid, because your gender is something that you only YOU experience. It doesn't have to be static. There are a number of people who identify as genderfluid/genderqueer and they, like you, feel that their gender changes over time and/or in response to certain situations. Those changes can occur over a period of hours, days, weeks, months, or years.

As for whether you should consider a gender that only seems to come up during sexual situations for you...that's up to you! Only you can use/claim labels that make sense to you. I know that genderfluid can be more difficult to explain, unfortunately...maybe you could pick a label day-to-day that matches with the amount of energy you have to explain it, how you're feeling about your gender that day, and how receptive you think another person might be toward that gender label?

Just in case you'd like some more info on genderfluidity, here's a wonderful article about that identity and exploring your gender. (Apologies if I shared this with you already, but I didn't see it in our thread.)
Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer

[Amanda F]

Also, I think you might like this: an interview with Jiz Lee, a nonbinary porn star. They've even written a book about their experience.

An Interview With Jiz Lee

[transfemandgay]

Honestly, I might stick with trans girl and just keep saying I’m a femboy and dressing as one when I feel like it. The word genderfluid just... seems to describe a different situation from mine. Who knows maybe I’ll change my mind later.

On that note, how am I gonna make a decision on how to transition now? I’m now seriously considering getting implants over HRT to keep my sex drive but even then do I want breasts at all? I‘m leaning mostly yes but then I won’t be able to dress like a femboy. But then how? Which process? Ahhhh???

[Mo]

You're always allowed to change your mind if your feelings change.
In terms of what choices to make about transition, that can certainly be a lot harder when you have competing desires. Do you do any regular journaling at all? I find that it can be easier to make larger choices when I can look back at clear data that shows patterns in how I was thinking and what options I was drawn to over time. If I was thinking positively about Choice A 70% of the time and Choice B 30% of the time, for example, that would be really helpful information to have! I know that keeping a journal when I was having my own thoughts about if and how to transition really helped me feel more confident making those decisions.