Mom stuff

[PartySarah]

This is my first time on here so forgive me if I don’t know how things work.

I am a mommy... which is great! But it is hard to bring people home because I got a kid at home. My kid is 6 years old...

I haven’t had sex In years.. since my kid was born.

Sex is something which is really lacking in my life... and I am ready to have that in my life again. But my kid comes first and I cannot do a relationship... although I would still like to have some fun since I’m young.

Basically... how can I have a sex life with a kid at home?

[Alexa]

Hey PartySarah,

I'm sorry you're missing that intimacy! You definitely deserve the space for a fulfilling sex life.

How do you feel about being creative about where you have space (e.g. at your sex interest's home, a hotel, a car!, etc.)? Also important -- how and when do you feel you'll be able to talk to your child about your dating life? I respect that you don't want your child to be attached to partners who may not be long term, but I don't think that means you have to miss out on dating entirely until they are an adult and moved out of the house. Are those conversations you imagine having with your kid one day?

[PartySarah]

Hey PartySarah,

I'm sorry you're missing that intimacy! You definitely deserve the space for a fulfilling sex life.

How do you feel about being creative about where you have space (e.g. at your sex interest's home, a hotel, a car!, etc.)? Also important -- how and when do you feel you'll be able to talk to your child about your dating life? I respect that you don't want your child to be attached to partners who may not be long term, but I don't think that means you have to miss out on dating entirely until they are an adult and moved out of the house. Are those conversations you imagine having with your kid one day?

I appreciate how quickly you got back to me!

I don’t feel comfortable bringing home a one night stand, as it would confuse my kid as to who her dad is, since she’s so young! As for a more long term thing, I just don’t know how I can explain that to her. Obviously, she isn’t ready for the sex part of the talk until she’s much much older, but I could try approaching the dating part when’s she 12?

I haven’t really thought of how to have a future conversation with her regarding my dating life. I haven’t really imagined having those talks until now.


As for when, I was thinking when she starts having sex herself, maybe 16? But I also would like to have sexual dating relationships before that, (like being able to have a long term boyfriend stay over, or maybe even move in with) so maybe even talking to when she’s 12 about adult relationship but leaving out the sex part till she’s like 14-16. All she needs to be able to understand is that adults need privacy and there are certain spaces that are private. And that just because a guy is holding hands with mommy doesn’t mean that daddy. But she can’t understand now I don’t think.

What’s your advice? What when and how is a good way to approach dating, and later, sex with my kid? And this would need to be deeper as it would be specifically related to how that would play in my life and her life.

As for now, I Don’t have a car, so that’s out. I don’t have a long term boyfriend. So I wouldn’t actually know where it would happen until I met my hookup or partner. Right now due to my kid, that’s all I am ready for, is just the sex part. A friends with benefits thing would be nice for now.

But his house is a good idea! also maybe woods. Maybe his car. If it’s a party then that’s good. I would still have to work out childcare.

[Sam W]

Hi PartySarah,

It's awesome that you're starting to think about how to have these conversations; believe it or not, some people really go out of their way to avoid being honest with their kids about these topics.

I think you may be able to explain the dating aspect to your daughter sooner than twelve. It might not be as complex a conversation as you'd have with an older child, but if you end up with a partner who you want to bring home, there are ways of helping her understand that's not her dad. If you're not familiar with them already, I would check out some of Robie Harris's books; she has ones that cover explaining sex and bodies to younger children, as well as ones that talk about different types of relationships and ways families can look. Those could give you some ideas on how to explain dating to her in a way she'll understand. And, when she's a little older, "Wait, What?" by our own Heather Corinna can help with those topics.

Too, since you're feeling like casual encounters are what you have the bandwidth for, it sounds like getting creative with where you have sex is a good call. In that case, explaining things too her may involve more helping her understand that mom will be gone for a while that night. Is she already used to having a babysitter come and you go out to do something? Or would that be a pretty new thing for her?

[PartySarah]

Hi PartySarah,

It's awesome that you're starting to think about how to have these conversations; believe it or not, some people really go out of their way to avoid being honest with their kids about these topics.

I think you may be able to explain the dating aspect to your daughter sooner than twelve. It might not be as complex a conversation as you'd have with an older child, but if you end up with a partner who you want to bring home, there are ways of helping her understand that's not her dad. If you're not familiar with them already, I would check out some of Robie Harris's books; she has ones that cover explaining sex and bodies to younger children, as well as ones that talk about different types of relationships and ways families can look. Those could give you some ideas on how to explain dating to her in a way she'll understand. And, when she's a little older, "Wait, What?" by our own Heather Corinna can help with those topics.

Too, since you're feeling like casual encounters are what you have the bandwidth for, it sounds like getting creative with where you have sex is a good call. In that case, explaining things too her may involve more helping her understand that mom will be gone for a while that night. Is she already used to having a babysitter come and you go out to do something? Or would that be a pretty new thing for her?

A baby sitter would be unaffordable and it would be a very new thing for her, as I said before in other places on here, I am a lifeguard. That means I can take her to work and she can just hangout. So yes, it would be very new for her.

How can I get childcare affordably and explain to her that it’s OK and I’m fine?

How can I explain to her that mommy will be gone for a while & not to worry?

I would be back before morning, and make her breakfast, and otherwise have a normal day.

I will check out those books, as it would actually be great for my mental health (which would make me a better mom) if I could have a Partners (even maybe a bf) at the house at some point before she’s 12. It really help me to relieve some stress.

Like any sex is amazing. And the causal sex I’m gonna have is amazing (and thanks for supporting me though finding a safe and creative way to do that) and gonna make me a better mom by relieving some stress and honestly releasing some pent up sexual tension. But at some point I would like to enter a long-term relationship as both her and I get older.

Like people assume because I’m a mom I suddenly lost all sexual needs and that’s just not true.

It’s like to be a good mom I need to also have a adult sex life. I hope i’m not completely off.

How can I explain to her that mommy will be gone? Should I even go into why I’m heading out, (like obviously not in any detail because of the age thing, but should I let her know anything besides that I’m leaving?)

I will be open on here, and honestly I do feel like I am being selfish by trying to have a sex life instead of completely focusing on her, but as I go into above, I just feel I need and am ready for a sex life. Just as I wouldn’t expect her to be abstinent for me when she becomes a late teen (like 16-18) I just can’t give sex for her whole life. I hope I’m not being a crappy mom. How can I learn myself to be okay with having a causal sex life while still loving & being there full time for my daughter? Like I am emotionally ready, I just don’t want to not be there for my kid? I hope I am not crazy and hope you can help process all this.

Also for any other young single moms on here, what’s your experience with causal sex while having kids?

Also is everything alright, as my sex drive is even more as it was prior to my daughters birth? Isn’t my sex drive supposed to go down after I have a kid?

Also, for those who have causal sex, what’s the best protection?

[Mo]

Hi there PartySarah,

I don't have clear answers for all of your questions, but I wonder if there are other parents in your area that you know who might be able to give you some tips or recommendations for child care; do you know anyone you could ask about that? In terms of getting your child used to having a babysitter, what may help is starting with something small, like hiring someone to watch her for a couple hours while you run some errands or have quiet time on your own. It might feel like a lot to go from never having had a babysitter before to having a sitter stay long enough to put her to bed, so taking smaller steps to help your child get used to the situation could make it easier when you do start having longer dates.
In terms of what to tell her when you are dating, I think you could say something like "I'm getting dinner/spending time with a friend" and that would be just fine.

As far as the best protection goes, we certainly recommend condoms and other barrier methods for casual sex; some people feel comfortable with just condoms as a birth control method but others would rather add in another method as well. Do you need any information either on condom/barrier use or on birth control options?

[PartySarah]

Hi there PartySarah,

I don't have clear answers for all of your questions, but I wonder if there are other parents in your area that you know who might be able to give you some tips or recommendations for child care; do you know anyone you could ask about that? In terms of getting your child used to having a babysitter, what may help is starting with something small, like hiring someone to watch her for a couple hours while you run some errands or have quiet time on your own. It might feel like a lot to go from never having had a babysitter before to having a sitter stay long enough to put her to bed, so taking smaller steps to help your child get used to the situation could make it easier when you do start having longer dates.
In terms of what to tell her when you are dating, I think you could say something like "I'm getting dinner/spending time with a friend" and that would be just fine.

As far as the best protection goes, we certainly recommend condoms and other barrier methods for casual sex; some people feel comfortable with just condoms as a birth control method but others would rather add in another method as well. Do you need any information either on condom/barrier use or on birth control options?

Yes, i need info on barrier protection options & condoms. I don’t want to take BC because of what it does to your mood!

I don’t have any other moms/parents in my area. I don’t know anyone I could ask about childcare, if you could give me idea’s that would be great.

[Mo]

Here are some articles on condom & other barrier use: All the Barriers! All the Time! & Condom Basics: A User's Manual, and here's an overview of other birth control options: Birth Control Bingo!.

In terms of finding childcare, I'd ask around to see if any friends or coworkers know someone who hires a babysitter and could give a reference, plus you could check places like community websites or bulletin boards, local classifieds, etc. (either to post a "help wanted" notice or to look for people who've advertised their availability). There's definitely some good information online about how to look for or screen babysitters and other childcare workers if you do a search for that!