Tips for patience while waiting to get a new boyfriend?

[Hel]

Hello,

Recently, I got over my ex, and I am looking to start a new relationship. Below is a better-detailed description of what I am thinking about, right now.

I have only dated one person, my ex-best-friend/ex-boyfriend. The reasons for the breakup were never completely clear to me. He seemed great, at the time: all the girls at school thought he was cute; he was my best-friend; we went on a vacation together; etcetera. When he broke up with me, it was the typical: 'it's not you, it's me'. He called me months later to apologize, but it wasn't a good apology. He messed up our friendship, and didn't give a single reason for it.

I never heard from him again, and it left me feeling like I had done something wrong. Could I have done anything that caused him to leave me? How can I prevent this in the future?

Now that COVID-19 is happening, I have been a bit disappointed, because I know it will be a while before I can meet more people. I really would like a boyfriend to hang out with; someone who cares deeply about me; who has time for me. I don't want sex, but I would love to meet a romantic, like me. How do I find this kind of guy, sooner rather than later? I'm not really the online-meet-up kind of person.

[Sam W]

Hi Hel,

Breakups can be so rough, especially when they take a friendship we valued with them. But, I'm glad you've been able to get over it at your own pace!

It's tricky to give you advice around what happened in the break-up, because it sounds like he was pretty vague when he ended things. And, as frustrating as it can be sometimes, there's no guaranteed set of behaviors that means you'll never get broken up with again (or need or want to break up with someone else). The best you can do is try to build a healthy relationship that works for you and your partner: Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship.

When it comes to meeting new people, is it more that you're not interested in online dating (which would basically be off the table anyway, given your age), or that you're also not interested in making friends or getting involved in groups or hobbies that take place online?

Too, since you mention patience in your post title, something that can make you feel less like you're just waiting around for your next boyfriend is to focus your time and energy on relationships with friends, family, and yourself. Is that something you've been doing lately?

[Hel]

Thank you for the fast reply and the link.

I'm not interested in online dating or meeting people online. It's just not for me. I prefer to meet people in person. I've felt like I haven't gotten that opportunity because of quarantine. I am hopeful there will be opportunities to meet people soon, but it is hard because there are so many unknowns.

I have focused on my own hobbies/family a lot, but I don't have too many friends to chat with. Logically, I know that getting a boyfriend shouldn't be my top priority, but emotionally, it is something I have started to desire ever since I got over the breakup.

[Sam W]

You're welcome! And thanks for those clarifications.

So, if online communities aren't really your thing, then you may indeed be limited in how you can connect to new people for the foreseeable future. Given that, how do you feel about focusing on the friendships you have and your relationship with yourself for the next little while?

It can be tricky when your brain knows something but your emotions are like "but no, actually we totally want this thing still." Something that can help is to identify what, exactly, do you feel is missing from your life because you're without a romantic partner? Connection? Affection of a certain kind? Something else entirely?

[Hel]

I think that focusing on current friendships and myself is a good idea. As for what I would like from a relationship, I'll continue to think about that. I think a lot of it is just about having someone who can be there for me; make me laugh; kiss me; be my friend.

Thanks for the advice!

[Mo]

Those all sound like great things to want from a relationship! I think your plans to focus on yourself & friendships for now, and to keep thinking about what you'd like from a romantic relationship, are excellent ones.