I just feel so broken..Am I?

[Sam W]

Hi 0PT1M15T1C,

That sounds like such a tough spot to be in, and I'm so sorry talking with your mom wasn't particularly helpful. It can be extra hard to be having anxiety or depression spikes right now, and honestly the way the world is lately may be part of why this is happening when it is. When there are ambient things to be worried or sad about, it kind of gives depression or anxiety a foothold, which can make it easier for it to flare up.

With your counselor, have the two of you talked about the issues with motivation and enjoyment right now? Those are common symptoms of depression and related mental health issues. They're extra annoying because they make it SO HARD to do the things that you know help you feel better. It's like a feedback loop designed by someone with a sick sense of humor. Aside from grounding, have you discussed how to approach those feelings? Because right now it sounds like they are one of the biggest things stressing you out.

I would definitely ask about bringing the dog upstairs; whatever little things you can find to help comfort yourself right now are definitely worth trying for.

[0PT1M15T1C]

She still came upstairs and at first she thought I was just bored and she does think that plays a role into it - but not just boredom, she explained that some more. Being stuck in a house with no other human contact other than those in my family is hard and she thinks that is making it hard for everyone right now. We started talking about the thoughts I've been happening and she explained although to her it's irrational that something bad is going to happen, that she reognizes it doesn't feel that way to me, and reassured me that she wasn't disappointed in me or anything like that. She pulled me in and hugged me really tightly and we ended up cuddling and fell asleep, so that was really nice. She was just frustrated and didn't understand exactly what was going on in the beginning, she had a rough day and didn't mean to come off the way she did.

I mentioned it with Michelle, but we didn't go much into it, I also mentioned it with my school counsellor but mainly phrased it as the workload, that I didn't have any motivation for school because that was stressful (which it still is, my mom recognizes that as something really stressing me out too). I'll be bringing that up in depth with my therapist today I hope, and so hopefully that'll at least make a difference. Mainly she's doing mindfulness stuff with me, which I get is supposed to help and at the same time though, I don't feel like I really am able to address those feelings as well doing it, so I don't know what to do there... With my mom it's been a lot of go out and do some of the things that make me happy, so I'm supposed to go on a run today and just be outside because she knows that's when I'm doing my best. Also, I want cookies, so I'm going to make some of those because I haven't been eating, which wasn't intentional I just really haven't been hungry at all or felt like making food. And also no kidding about the feedback loop, it blows. I've talked about it regarding anxiety and self harm and how that's a cycle, so I've done that with both therapists now.

Also, my mom is working from home today, I think originally she was supposed to go in but I'm really glad she stayed, even if she still does have to work. So yeah, I have that, and then I think I'll certainly bring my dog up, when my room is clean my parents don't typically have a problem with it. I'm also going to try and schedule a zoom call with my friends, I think that would help all of us honestly. I woke up this morning to a dorky little sketch my friend drew of me and it was honestly adorable, so that's really nice too, we've all been trying to do little things to make each other feel a little less alone and I love it - OOH, maybe it's time for another "delivery".

[Sam W]

It sounds like you put a lot of thought into ways you can take care of yourself, connect with friends, and keep your therapists in the loop with what you need. That all is super, super amazing!

I do want to toss one strategy out there with the motivation stuff: setting yourself really, really basic things to do in any given day. Some people will use hygiene ones to start (showering, brushing teeth), creative ones (write one hundred words about whatever) or life stuff ones (like cleaning one tiny space). The idea is to do something really simple and basic, that won't take much time (but can take however much time you need it to) to disrupt the "I'm awful and can't do anything->why should I do anything" loop.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, I'm doing my best to do that stuff, so that's

Okay, so I actually got done therapy about 20 minutes ago, and so that went pretty wack. Basically, we talked about things going on, we talking about my feelings she said she doesn't know what to do, then we got my mom. So, she said that we have has 11 sessions and normally by now she'd be seeing improvement, so this is really not typical in the children/adolescents she sees. Which really sucks. We talked about the scale with anxiety and for therapy to be productive I need to be at a 6 or a 7 max, she rates me at a 9... So that's not good, she basically said that like it isn't working, she used the same analogy of throwing me in the ocean and saying "Learn to swim" and the mindfullness and things she's suggesting are like saying "Move your arm this way", "move your leg in this way" and it just isn't working. That really quite sucked to hear though. She's really out of ideas to help me and she's said everything she knows about mindfulness and the way the brain works but I just can't seem to do it, so she's unsure of what to do, so she wants to possibly find other options because she doesn't think this is working as it should.

That all hit me pretty hard and afterwards I asked her if I was failing or like disappointing her and she kind of reassured me that way, which really helped, and said that she wasn't upset with me just that we need more help with it, and that's okay. She said she's going to talk to the clinic nurse who called the hospital and spoke to the nurse I saw there - there was no notes made of that conversation and she wants to know what was said and if there were any recommendations - and then she'll call me back and we'll go from there. Just really not a fun place to be in I guess, I really am trying, I do all of my therapy homework and exercises and I really want to get better but it's just not working. So yeah, that's where thing's kind of are sitting right now.

Thank you, I'll certainly give that a go, things just feel so hard right now so hopefully that'll help a bit. That sounds really good, so I'll do some of those, I'm hoping to get some schoolwork done today, so maybe at least getting one assignment done will be alright. It feels really simplistic and embarrassing to be honest to be struggling with this, but hey, at least I'm still trying. Thankfully cleaning I did yesterday and so mainly I guess that leaves school (I took care of other things this morning, so that's nice), which I know my art teacher posted today so hopefully that'll be a nice little break or like a reward.

[Mo]

I'm so sorry therapy felt like so much of a bummer today, it sounds like hearing her say things didn't seem to be working was pretty upsetting, but I'm glad your therapist at least reassured you that you weren't failing or disappointing her. Getting some other thoughts from a nurse you talked to earlier is a good idea, I think.
There are a lot of different approaches that therapists can try to help people, and not everything will work for everyone; I know that mindfulness, for example, can be very helpful for some folks but not so much for others. If your therapist has a particular set of tools that isn't working great for you it doesn't mean YOU are the problem, it likely just means that a different set of tools might be more helpful. I hope she can come up with some other strategies that will help you a bit better.

I hope you're able to get some things done that you want to do today but that you're also able to take some time to do some things you enjoy, too.

[0PT1M15T1C]

It would have been unethical if she didn't, so instead of just saying "I can't help you" she phrased it as "I don't know how much I'm going to be able to support you through this, so we should find the services that would be a better option for you." which is chill. It did really suck especially knowing that like realistically by now that I should be seeing progress, and typically that most people see progress in the first few sessions.

So basically my therapist talked to the nurse and found out that they are going to have a GP coming in to work alongside the psychiatrist, and he starts on May 11th. Hopefully around then as they start building his patient list and all that he'll contact us right away and so yeah, I might actually be able to see someone about all of this. She scheduled another appointment in the middle of June so that's nice too.

It's still not easy but she found a quick way for me to get in to see someone. I'm trying not to be excited about it again because these things have really failed majorly in the past.

For now I guess it's just going to be a lot of really pushing through things when they come up and talking to my mom. Like utilizing my supports is going to be pretty important I think and so yeah. At least there's something to like look forward to you know? Like I always try to keep doing that because without it I really don't know if I could do it, so this weekend I'm planning on dropping off brownies at my friends houses and possibly going to the mountains or something, at least a drive with my mom.

Hopefully I can pull through, like right now, at least in this moment, I actually feel alright, and that's more than I can say than in the last few days, so that's good.

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little better than you have been the last few days And those sound like some excellent things to look forward too (I'm a big proponent of giving yourself small, pleasant things to look forward to each week, because it makes it easier to get through those lower spots).

I agree that while that was an uncomfortable conversation to have with a therapist, it sounds like it was one that needed to happen, and that she knew was important in terms of getting you the care you actually need and might benefit from. Too, I will say that any mental health professional who's actually paying attention will tell you that sometimes clients need a different set of tools than the one any given therapist has. Even though it may feel like you're way behind where you "should" be in terms of progressing through therapy (and really, it's understood that most people will have periods of "backsliding" or stagnating during treatment), this switch in care is a sign you actually are making progress, even if that progress is "okay, this style of therapy isn't going to work."

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, they just reopened offleash dog parks where I live (with lots of new rules) so I get to go back on the trails with my pup, and it's really beautiful out so hopefully that'll be really nice. Little things like that, especially when it's so nice out are awesome, I just hope it isn't too busy because of it.

Okay, thank you. This type of progress feels defeating still, either way, I'll try to keep all of that in mind. Hopefully this will turn out to be a good thing for me. I can't remember when my next appointment is with Michelle but I believe we put it at 2 weeks again, so that's chill. My friends also like really helped with everything going on there yesterday, so I'm really grateful for that. For right now, things feel good and that's awesome for me. Actually having time to get out rather than doing schoolwork all day makes a big difference already.

[Siân]

There is so much good news in there! Being able to get outside with your pup is definitely a major positive, I'm glad you have that right now.

I know it's frustrating when you are taking the right steps and moving through the process isn't giving you tangible improvements, but you're absolutely right that this will likely turn out to be a good thing as you have a better idea of what doesn't work great for you and can focus on other approaches.

[0PT1M15T1C]

Ah so a lot is going on, for right now at least my mental health seems okay-ish, I kind of just haven't been using social media all that much because I don't really need that and have been doing a lot with my family or just really keeping busy - Like I used power saws today for cutting wood to make another garden bed with my dad. I didn't end up going to my friends houses, but eh, I'll sort that out, the main thing is that I can look forward to it happening, I don't necessarily need a date for it. So yeah, it's been chill for the most part, no major slip ups or breakdowns and I'm enjoying that.

I actually got a girls number while I was at the park yesterday and like that's really nice. We've been talking quite a bit and are just kind of seeing where that goes. The thing that really scares me though is like being vulnerable in that way, like I really don't have a good track record of great relationships. Like between my ex boyfriend and the person that made me make this thread a thing, it's hard, so it's a lot of trying to trust myself to be comfortable. As weird as it sounds it's really hard to trust women/girls based on my past and what's happened, I start worrying really fast. My two best friends are girls and it took me forever to learn to trust them. I don't think I want to bring up my past with her quite yet until things get more serious. A lot of this I can really push through for now, but I do find myself really scared if things are to continue from here, but I guess I'll address it at the time, there's no sense in worrying about it atm.

I like actually having something to look forward to in terms of the mental health and seeing someone, not having it unknown and so far away makes it easier to hold onto reality in that way. I also had a really good discussion with one of my friends, they needed some help and I do actually understand most of what I was doing in therapy and how it works, it can be helpful for me at times, so I got to explain some of the tools I use to them. Doing that made me feel a little more confident in the fact that I was actually doing the work and trying my best that way, but that it just wasn't working for me. Hopefully that doctor calls pretty quickly after he starts and I can get in there to deal with some of this, I know it's not a complete fix but it would possibly bring me to a point therapy would actually help. It's completely possible this kind of feeling of being actually okay comes down tomorrow or sometime in the future, but for right now it's good. It's also been kind of weird because at the same time I'm saying things feel okay, I just also am not feeling a whole lot, either way, better than before I guess?

[al]

Hi 0PT1M1ST1C,

I'm so glad to hear that you've been able to connect with others, even if it's more virtual than you'd like. I can understand why it might be hard to reach out or be vulnerable when you've been hurt before - your heart and mind are just trying to protect themselves. Does the idea of taking things bit by bit feel helpful?

Do you find it helpful to be doing things with your hands, like the woodworking?
I've found it really nice to be able to do some woodworking and gardening - it feels good to build something and get my hands in the dirt. It certainly feels more productive than emails and scrolling through social media.

I'm glad that you have things to look forward to! I'm crossing my fingers that you get a call back soon. <3

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, taking it slow really helps. I always try to take relationships of any kind really slow and building trust that way, with evaluations and reflections of how it all feels. Honestly she seems really chill, and things feel pretty natural in that sense. If anything, even if things don't work out, it's been a nice distraction from what's been going on. I try not to take these things too seriously, because in reality, I'm pretty young, majority of the time these types of relationships don't work out long term so it's better just to have fun while it lasts. I've never been the type of kid to go out and really look for relationships, so my mom is having a lot of fun teasing me at the moment.

Honestly yeah, I enjoy things that actually require my hands or at least my attention that way (I mean, with saws I kind of like having all of my fingers), it doesn't allow for other worries to come in which is really nice. Specifically I'm just enjoying the aspect of building something with my dad, I get to spend some good time with him and that's always really nice. With gardening it's kind of something at my house is a family thing, it's really fun. Last year was kind of an experimental "Let's see what the previous owners had planted and then plan for next year" so this year is the actual building, experimenting and fixing, which is SO cool.

Thank you <3

[Amanda F]

Yeah, taking it slow really helps. I always try to take relationships of any kind really slow and building trust that way, with evaluations and reflections of how it all feels. Honestly she seems really chill, and things feel pretty natural in that sense. If anything, even if things don't work out, it's been a nice distraction from what's been going on. I try not to take these things too seriously, because in reality, I'm pretty young, majority of the time these types of relationships don't work out long term so it's better just to have fun while it lasts. I've never been the type of kid to go out and really look for relationships, so my mom is having a lot of fun teasing me at the moment.

a new person! Sounds like it's exciting and a little nervous-making, too. I think going slow and building trust is a great idea. I know it's still early, but it might be good to think about how you can create a relationship that feels good and right to you - either with this new person, or anyone else.

This article from Heather has a really wonderful breakdown of all the different components of building a healthy relationship: Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

And this one has a big ol' list of items you may or may not want in a relationship: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

Do you have a sense of what you would want from a relationship right now?

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, I think a lot of what's on that first one is just basic respect for each other, boundaries will continue to be set but really, I don't think I'm throwing a whole lot of expectations in. Like I think we're waiting to talk about where we want this to go for a little while until we can go on a bit of a date since restaurants open in two weeks and both of us are killing for some bubble tea. I view us as equals, I respect her, she does the same and we're just enjoying talking.

Ah, I love Yes, No, Maybe So, Al's zine was pretty cool too and covers most of the same stuff - although it may be a little more helpful later in with some of that. For right now, I just think it's exciting to talk to someone new, if things continue there's pieces both of us will need to know, a lot of which are on that list. I don't really know what I want, just kind of seeing where it goes.

Maybe that's not how some people handle it but I feel like expectations just cause stress rather than having fun and having conversation about things as it progresses.

[Mo]

I can understand that excitement of talking to someone new! I think just seeing where things go from here is a good plan. Also I really hear you on wanting bubble tea, there's a place near my house I used to go to whenever I needed an excuse to take a little walk and I hate that I haven't been in almost two months!

[0PT1M15T1C]

Bubble tea really is the best. And a perfect idea for a date IMO. I hope you’re able to get some, I know I can’t wait for my place to open. My friend has made some a few times since the start of quarantine and has been teasing me about it, so I’m excited.

I’m just glad that for right now things are chill. So yeah, I hope everything’s going okay on your end <3

[justnobody]

I'm not sure where else to put this. I hope this is okay.

I need to apologize.

Earlier this year, I lashed out at you and attacked you and talked down to you. My actions were utterly reprehensible. I recently saw this comic on tumblr about trans people and hurt, and I realized that's what I was doing. I wasn't listening to you and was being unfair and cruel to you. I put my feelings ahead of yours and your questions, and instead of just discussing, I tried to silence and shame you. Especially considering our ages, I really should have known better and done better. I was selfish, and I let you down. Your feelings matter.

I am so incredibly sorry. My actions and words towards you were unacceptable. I am very sorry for the hurt I caused you.

~horriblegoose

[0PT1M15T1C]

Ah hi, I don’t know if you’ll see this or not but here.

I am glad you challenged my ways of thinking and created questions beyond just going off my experiences. My views have changed drastically to be honest, I’ve realized it just doesn’t matter what other people do in regards to being trans. Do what you feel comfortable with, that should always be someone’s first priority.

While yes, there were inappropriate things said on both sides, which I apologize for taking away or at least making a safe space, feel less like so.

I hope you are doing well, and staying safe. Thank you for all you have said previously as well, all of the support.