Everything is going wrong. What if my relationship does too?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey,

So I've been struggling a lot with my life currently. I'm stressed about money primarily and it basically effects all the other problems in my life.

I'm not financially stable enough to stay in school unless I take out a loan but I'm adding on debt I feel I won't be able to pay because I'm not becoming a dentist or something else that makes a lot of money. Also my bills, my insurance went up so now I have to pay almost double of what I had before. The family cat passed away this week and my physical health as well as my mental health have been gradually getting worse.

I also think I'm on the verge of losing my job. I'm in the probation period and if you get 2 write ups in probation, you get fired. I got written up earlier when I started because I had to get my wisdom tooth removed and missed work for 2 days. Now recently I got put in a different part of the facility about 2 weeks ago. 2 or 3 days into this new area I was working in I was told about some quota I had to me and they pulled a "you've been here for almost 3 months so you have to improve" even though I was doing something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT for the vast majority of those ~3 months! So pretty much if I don't reach this quota I could get written up again and ultimately get fired.

With everything being so stressful I was really looking forward to therapy today only to find out that my therapist was going to be gone this week. So now I have to wait another week to see her.

Now on to the other matter. I am greatly aware I can't rely on my partner for everything but I want to be honest with the about how I feel terrible without putting them into that excessive emotional labor unto them.

So far we're edging closer to 6 months. If we get to that point this'll be the longest relationship that I've had. With my mental health being shitty, my anxiety has been awful and I'm scared I'll "somehow fuck up the relationship". I have very small good things that I'm clinging to to say to myself "at least you have these things that are positive" or "if these bad things happen you can put your time into something else and figure it out" but I know it feels almost like I'm trying hard to avoid recognizing things suck.

I feel like being negative like this will be a repeat of one of my previous relationships where I wasn't in therapy for a whole summer and put that burden on my partner at the time.

Can anyone relate to that feeling of just waiting for life to give you another kick to the stomach? Even if it feels irrational, you're still just waiting because everything is just terrible and it's better to be prepared for the next shitty thing than trying to keep up what feels like fake positivity?

[Sam W]

Hi BuddyBoi21,

Oh that all sounds so stressful (and I'm so sorry about the loss of your cat; we just went through that over here and it sucks, big time). I can absolutely relate to that feeling you describe. It's actually a pretty common defensive mindset for folks dealing with anxiety or depression; that idea that if you can just be prepared for the worst, you'll be protected from the effects of it to some degree. It took me a long time to learn that having contingency plans that were actually helpful was very different from always assuming the worst. Have you ever spoken to your therapist about that mindset? If so, what has she advised?

While I think it's good to be mindful of how things like depression and anxiety can effect a partner, and to take care not to make a partner ones only source of support around those issues, telling a partner about the crappy stuff going on and how you feel about it isn't automatically emotional labor. If your partner is with you, that suggests they care about you, and if they care about you then it stands to reason that they'd want to know if there are things that are upsetting you, even if all they can do in response is hug you or listen to you vent for five minutes. Does that make sense?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Sam,

Thanks for your condolences. The family is coping by recognizing he had a good home before passing since he was an older rescue cat. (I hope you're coping well with your loss as well).

I can't recall if we've specifically used those terms but my therapist and I have discussed ways to keep me from going into that defensive mode by taking things a day at a time. As for a contingency plan, I the closest I've done is look for things I can do. For example, say I do get fired from my job; I'll take the time to to translate whatever grief I have into my music.

This does make sense! It's been hard to comfort one another though because my partner and I are physically separated. It sucks because we both sometimes need to held and to cry and we can't do that anymore.

I've been trying to cope better by saying I need some time alone but also let them know I'm not feeling well and giving a more surface explanation as to why.

I also just don't want to inadvertently isolate myself from them. So I feel like this is why I may struggle with separating simple venting from full on emotional labor. I also mentioned that this put a strain on and/or even (eventually) ended my previous relationships.

So I will go over this with my therapist. I will be seeing her next week so hopefully things will be manageable until then. Hopefully what I said makes sense!

[Mo]

I hear you when it comes to the difficulties of being able to comfort and support someone when you can't hug them or be there as a physical support. I can imagine that's making things feel a lot harder right now.
Have you been able to talk to your partner about the worries you have about how sharing how you feel or asking for support might negatively impact your relationship? They may be able to share with you some of what they feel equipped to provide in terms of support, or how you can communicate when it is or isn't the best time to have larger conversations about things that are upsetting you.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Mo,

We did discuss it and it went over well. We've also noted we're nervous about a lot of the same things.

I'm doing my best to cope without physical touch as is my partner. Hopefully we'll get through this.

Thank you!

[Mo]

I'm so glad you were able to communicate about those worries! Hopefully along with that shared nervousness you can have a lot of awareness of how to be helpful and compassionate to each other. Best of luck, I know these are stressful times for a lot of people navigating relationships where they have to be separated.