?

[sky]

I’m self sabotaging again and told my therapist that I’m done seeing her and I don’t know why I panic and just do this stuff. I’m so afraid to get better and to get hurt etc

[Heather]

Well, I think you just got started in naming a couple of the reasons you sabotage therapy: that you feel afraid of getting better and afraid of getting hurt.

Perhaps you can send her a message or email and share with her what you just did here?

Do you want to take about this more?

[sky]

Heather! Guess what!!!! Not sure why I’m telling you this but I have an emotional connection with you because we’ve talked about a lot and sometimes good things happen and I’m like I can’t wait to tell heather! Lol. Anyways, I found a roommate and I’m moving out!!!! It’s gonna be in about 2 months so her and I can save but it’s happening!!!!!! I can’t wait to get away from my abusive family

[Heather]

Sky, this is such fantastic news! I'm so pleased and so hopeful for you. Thanks so much for sharing this with me.

After today, I'm going to be AWOL from Scarleteen for a couple of weeks while I try and do some of the heaviest lifting of the process for my next book. But I'm here today if you have some time and you want to talk about this strategically, at all. I don't know if you have had roommates before or lived on your own before, but if a crash course in some of this is helpful, I'm glad to get started, at least. Same goes for if you want any help or support when it comes to getting yourself in the mindset where this doesn't wind up feeling like something you have a hard time abstaining from sabotaging. It would, after all, be pretty understandable and normal if on top of feeling thrilling, ir also felt intimidating. <3

[sky]

I’ve never not lived with family so never have had one. I’m a bit nervous, we’ve been friends for a bit, we’re gonna get a 2 bedroom, 2 bath so I’m not super worried but I also am. Anything you have is great lol. I’m really afraid to leave home because they are very shitty and they are telling me I can’t make it etc. I have to try to not believe them but it’s hard, they have me so brainwashed I don’t know if what I think and feel is them or someone else

[Heather]

I'm so sorry they're saying that to you. Gee, I wonder where you learned to sabotage yourself?

I wonder if it might help to figure that you get to just see how this goes and *learn* how to live on your own. That is what everyone does, and I can almost guarantee you that you will make a whole much of missteps and errors: we all do. That's just a lot of how we learn to do anything, especially this.

Have you and this friend sat down and started to come up with some shared boundaries and ground rules? That can often be a big part of what makes cohabitating work well: that everyone involved makes rules and guidelines together, and really talks about what they want and need to make it work. A monthly or weekly scheduled check-in as housemates can also be a very good thing, IME.

Have you thought about what you can do to make sure your housemate doesn't become your sole emotional support? And how you're going to manage hard times for yourself in this new space? If not, I'd just start jotting down some thoughts and ideas for those things.

[sky]

I don’t want to be alone

[Heather]

Not sure what that's in reference to. Fill me in?

[sky]

I just don’t want to be alone. Like I’ll be alone while she’s at work and she goes to visit family a lot and I don’t want to be alone I’m gonna fall apart

[Heather]

Okay, so sounds like you've identified something you a) need to make a plan for and b) need to start trying to frame differently.

It sounds stupid, I know, but a big part of not self-sabotaging is how we talk to ourselves about things. If we say something bad is going to happen, that makes it a lot more likely the bad thing will, in fact, happen, especially when it's something mostly within our control, like falling apart.

What do you think you need in order to be able to be alone and enjoy that time? Or, if you're not yet at enjoying your own company, to be able to do okay when you're alone?

[sky]

Hey heather, sorry. Been busy with working and just trying not to fall apart. I went to therapy again yesterday and I am gonna get a new therapist I don’t like her really. She’s nice and stuff but I don’t think she really knows how to handle me. She always asks me what I want her to do and I don’t know what the hell the options are so I just say I don’t know and it’s awkward and weird.

I’ve fallen in love with someone I can’t really have and it sucks. Life has been pretty terrible for me ha ha ha

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

I think it's a sound move to look for a new therapist if this one isn't meshing with you well. It can sometimes take a few tries before you find one that's a good fit. If you haven't seen it before, this article covers some ways of finding a therapist who matches your needs: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy.

Unrequited feelings can certainly be a bummer; do you have any tools you've used in the past for moving past rejection or relationships you knew you couldn't pursue?

[sky]

Hey lol it’s been a long time. So I’ve made pretty great strides since this I first made this post here. Well, good ish. Long story short, I went to a psychiatrist! I have an official diagnosis but more might come, as of now I have, ocd, severe depression, general anxiety disorder, ptsd and psychosis or schizophrenia (she’s not exactly sure which one because I fit some characteristics of both). She prescribed me a antipsychotic and an antidepressant. I went on Saturday and I haven’t started taking them yet because I just don’t wanna take them. I opened up to my sister last night and she was like please take them. So I’m gonna start the antipsychotic tonight (it’s to help with sleep too) And then in 5 days I can start the other one. No one asked lol but there’s an update

[Heather]

I certainly appreciate seeing one, Sky, and I'm glad you have been seeing someone, have a diagnosis, and are going to try medication and see how it goes for you.<3

Do you want to talk about why you've felt reluctant to take meds?

[sky]

Well I’ve started. I think I’m allergic to the first one so i called and asked like why and all that, waiting for a response lol. Idk why I didn’t wanna. I’m gay and I want love and I can’t have it unless I’m better so I have to try at least. I deserve happiness

[sky]

Hey heather,

I don’t know if you’re even here right now or working on the book but things are bad in my head and I’m getting those self harm thoughts and it’s so hard to control it. Sex won’t give me love right? I have an internet friend and she lives somewhere else and I she’s like my mom and she wants to meet me and I wanna meet her but I feel like I have to try to do stuff and she tells me I don’t because she loves me anyways. I told her that I’ll just touch her and try and she said she won’t let me and it just sucks. I feel like I have too and it’s so hard

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

I'm sorry you're in such a low place right now. Have you reached out to your psychiatrist or your therapist to ask for support around this? If you're noticing the self harm thoughts are really bad, that may also be time for a hotline call or for a visit to an emergency room if you feel you might become a danger to yourself. Once you've got that situation into a safe balance, then we can cover some of the other stuff you mentioned, okay?

[sky]

I did tell my psychiatrist I called yesterday and said I don’t think the pills are working right, I’m waiting for a call back. I’m okay safety wise, that’s not an issue it’s just that I feel manic I think?

[Mo]

I hope you can hear back from your psychiatrist soon. I know that adjusting to new medications can be difficult; sometimes it takes a few weeks for your body to adjust enough that you can know whether they'll be effective or not. One thing I will suggest is that you continue taking your prescribed medication until you can make a plan with your psychiatrist directly; I know that many medications can have negative side effects if you stop taking them too quickly so if your doctor does want you to stop taking one, or switch to something else, they'll work out a plan with you of how to do that safely.
If you're still feeling manic today, make sure you're giving yourself time to do things like eat proper meals and get a decent amount of sleep. If you're still seeing a therapist, you may want to check in with them as well for some extra support right now.

[sky]

I meet a therapist tomorrow let’s see if I like her

[Amanda F]

Hi sky,

I hope your therapist appointment goes well today. Seconding (thirding?) Sam and Mo to say that taking your medications as advised is important because stopping them abruptly can also cause some weird effects. I hope you're able to get in touch with your psychiatrist to talk to them about how the meds are making you feel.

[sky]

Hey y’all, I talked to the therapist and she was cool but I didn’t realize how expensive she is so I have to find someone else now. I am still taking my pills, I called and she said to just keep taking it and riding it out and it should get better. I’m just so not sure how I feel, I just really want to be loved and it’s a hard feeling to get when I go into a mania and block all the friends I had that did love me. I took myself from the group chat and then blocked all of them on all social media’s. It really sucks that I can’t even accept love or anything when I have it.

I just really wish I had any sense of self worth and self love. It is getting better I’ve noticed. I don’t have the bad voices in my head telling me the awful things, I get it sometimes and I just know it’ll pass. Sometimes all I can do is cry until it passes and I hate crying but it just comes out and I just wait and it always goes away. It’s hard, all of this is very hard but I’m trying so much

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

Did the therapist you talked to give you any referrals to providers who might be more affordable? Too, many therapists are open to discussing sliding scale or other payment adjustments to make therapy more accessible to clients. Did you talk about that with her at all?

I'm sorry you've found that mania can be stressful on your social connections. Have you tried reaching out to your friends since you blocked them and left the chat? If so, how has that gone?