I feel like sometimes I will never be attractive for a girl

[Sabine]

Now, I am not Lizzo overweight, but I am indeed overweight. I’m also not Ashley Graham overweight. Thats why I feel so unattractive, I am not in the category of obese that I can be plus size attractive nor I am in the category of healthy skinny or slim thic.

I feel so uncomfortable with it most in relation to showing parts of it off, like my stomach that sticks out and parts of my upper thighs. Sometimes I get dysmorphic about my face, because I sometimes think its fat and child-like. Sometimes I think my chest is too large and my butt is not shaped enough.

I had one time where after my girlfriend of 3 weeks broke up with me I resorted to trying to find one on Insta and they were often men or bots pretending to be women who wanted to see my body (sometimes pressured me to do so) and I feel ashamed about sending these nudes out even though they tricked me into doing it. So yeah, partially thats why I am uncomfortable with being a slightly big girl and showing off my body, but also thinking about having sex with my future girlfriend someday (even though I want it so bad).

I’m afraid I won’t look good during the process. I am afraid I won’t even look good to her. And I look at these fat girls with acceptance and beautiful couples with untraditionally attractive people and say, “Wow they deserve all the love”. But I think I don’t sometimes, even though I think I am attractive in some ways, I don’t think I deserve those things sometimes because I need to support them. Why is that? Why is it that I think at the back to not love myself, but support others (and myself and do things for myself) in that journey. Clarify if you have trouble understanding, its like people can do these things, but I can’t, but I am doing them secretly because it would be stupid too and it’s my OCD thoughts telling me.

But how can I combat these thoughts and work through such events? How can I love my own body and not feel so dysmorphic and not afraid about my own sexual fantasies and feelings (which also has my OCD saying things and it rarely happens because OCD)? How can I love and open myself up more so and I can trust that when someone says “you are beautiful” I believe it. Because, I don’t trust them usually in my head. I feel also whenever I want to loose weight its my OCD telling me that my body is disgusting and fat and unhealthy.

[Marisha]

Hi Sabine,

First of all I'm sorry about your breakup, and about your problems on social media. I hope you're okay. I don't want to stress you further, but here's Instagram's page about what to do if someone shares intimate photos of you - just in case.
https://help.instagram.com/176941001000 ... ef=related

Your post really hits home for me, because I struggle with the same thoughts myself sometimes. As much as I try to be fair about my body and kind to myself, I worry about how other people will perceive me. Thinking about how to combat these thoughts in regards to sex is even tougher because it's so intimate, and the thought of suffering rejection in such a vulnerable state sucks! And I'm a pretty big girl, probably bigger than Lizzo.

So the first thing that came to mind about combatting these thoughts is the following:

I have a friends, let's call her Tracy, who is the type of person who constantly says negative things about her looks (despite the fact that she puts a lot of effort into her appearance through fashion and skin care). Sometimes she'll say things like, "I'm so ugly!" or "I look fat!" I'm a very blunt person and very body positive, so when she does that I always say: "Tracy, you look like you. I can't join you in your negative self-talk, because I actually like you."
I always say it with a kind of softly chastizing but friendly tone. The idea of it is to build off of the idea that you wouldn't say the type of negative things you say about yourself to your best friend, or someone else you love. I don't even engage with negative self-talk of that kind by saying, "No, you're beautiful!" or "No, you look good!" because I don't think you should have to constantly view yourself as beautiful or perfect to feel good about yourself. We are human, not just pretty things to look at.

I also want to say that 1) being fat is not a bad thing and 2) rejection is hard, but if someone makes you feel bad about your body, that's a red flag and you should take that as an excuse to move on to someone better. Not to lecture you Long read if you want below.
https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/art ... -is-wrong/

The 2 main pieces of advice I give to people about fat-related insecurities are the same things I had to do when my insecurities were at their worst:
- If the media you consume is making you think negatively about your body, or even makes you more judgmental towards others, limit it or cut it out of your life. Social media, magazines, reality TV - all of it.
- When you start to have negative thoughts about your body, you have to make the conscious effort to disagree with those thoughts. When you think, "I'm not deserving of love," address the negative thought - it's normal to have them - but also say, "That is not true. I am just as deserving of love as everyone else." I googled an article that talks about this process in more depth as well.
http://www.valueoptions.com/solutions/2 ... story4.htm

Please take care of yourself. You are worth it.

[Sabine]

My breakup was 1 year ago, March and I didn’t have my dating app because the supervisor of my independent living program (that I am leaving because COVID-19 and my situation) made me delete it because I was sending nudes. But, yeah the nude sending resulted in my second Insta getting hacked! And around that time, my sister got a boyfriend who she’s still with and so did my friend. These were all a year ago ...

Having a good balance of talking sternly but also nicely is amazing because I often feel like I am the problem because I often talk bad about myself and thus cannot talk about my feelings. So ad a result of my lack of self love, I feel like I am a burden, on top of my lack of exercise (and sometimes my reluctance to exercise often and to diet often). They are not forcing me too, but I feel like its a requirement for me to exercise and sometimes I feel tired and I’m walking and I want to go home and I feel like I am that child who needs to be managed in public because I am upset. But anyways ....

In part, its the media I consume (which is not so damaging because its not photoshopped or pro ana stuff, and I do follow body positive people), but in part everyone in my family is healthy, athletic and is in a romantic partnership. I am healthy but not the latter two. I don’t want to be desperate because I do want this (to have a girlfriend) and thats not all that I talk about. And thats not my main goal.

And how do I keep reminding myself of that mantra because its interesting. I ask my Dad, “Do I deserve ____” and it may be out of context, but he says “Well no one deserves anything”. It’s more logical and more practical, which I run on mainly, but I need a little love and emotional support too. Also, I cannot tell if anyone loves me without assuming ulterior motives, just crazy, its their job or if they love the idea of me in whatever sense.

And yes I will look at your articles! I am so excited to see them.

[Ruby S]

Hey Sabine! First of all, thanks for being so vulnerable with us here. Body stuff can be so, so hard to work through - which is no fault of your own. We're in a society that's structured in many ways around shame, punishment, and dissatisfaction when it comes to our bodies, and being influenced by that is almost impossible to avoid. Acknowledging that you want to let go of your body dysmorphia and be in authentically intimate relationships with others is an amazing step at the beginning of your journey.

Full disclosure, I'm a thin person writing this response. I've been exposed to and internalized fatphobia as much as the next person, but I have the privilege of not experiencing the very real discrimination and abuse that fat people endure in our culture. That being said, there are some ways that I try to combat my own body dysmorphia and unlearn fatphobia that might be of some use to you.

The first thing I do is I try and recognize all the systems at play here that make up a fatphobic culture: a capitalist system that wants us to spend as much money as possible, a racist system that wants us to demonize certain bodies (historically, Black people - check out the book "Fearing the Black Body by Sabrina Strings for more info) and glorify others, and a individualist system that wants us to believe that every choice we make is our responsibility only and that we must suffer the consequences and not blame anyone but ourselves.

When all of these concepts interact, it creates the "health" system that we have - one that promotes restriction, suffering, and smallness and says that's "healthy". Doctors are part of this system, because no one is objective and because the idea of "the truth" is largely created by those who benefit from that version of the truth. It's a very profitable system for corporations that benefit from fat people wanting to look different and thin people wanting to look different, too: diet programs, plastic surgery companies, clothing brands, and so much more are all invested in fatphobia existing (even if they promote empowerment).

All this is to say that recognizing when you're being manipulated by all these systems into thinking your body is bad, and deciding to try acceptance and non-action instead is a directly radical thing. It is incredibly radical to look at your body, hear all the voices that you've internalized which tell you that you need to change, that you're not beautiful or desirable, and that you need to buy x, do y and be like z in order to be loved, and then say "I know I've internalized these voices to keep myself safe and so things make sense, but I'm actually not going to do that."

Here's the kicker: you don't even have to love your body. The body-positive movement can be really amazing for some, but it's also sometimes forced onto people and creates even more of a dissonance to where people feel like a failure for not loving their bodies. You don't have to love your body right now, and that doesn't mean you aren't worthy of love or of loving your body. Or maybe that can be a goal for down the line! Start with neutrality. Here's an article with more info about that: https://www.thefemalelead.com/body-posi ... positivity.

How does it feel to think about all of that? It's kind of a big concept, so let me know if that feels overwhelming or doesn't make sense. Here's some other articles we have about fatness and sexuality that you might find useful:

Baby Fat, Or Why the Ugly Duckling is a Rubbish Story.
Navigating Sexuality as a Fat Teen
The Scarleteen Do-It (I have critique of the idea that there are good and bad foods, so you can keep that in mind as you read this, if you want)

[asunflower]

hi sabine,

i can't emphasize enough what the other folks who've responded have said. i wanted to pop into this conversation to say, again, that you are definitely not alone in how you feel. i'm an in-between sizes fat person who can't always find their size in a plus size sections, but who also has to really comb over the straight size sections to find something to fit me. my body was smaller in high school, but even then, it felt too large. i didn't feel delicate or petite like the feminine people i saw in movies and because i didn't look like them, i worried i would never be seen as desirable.

since then, my body has gotten bigger, and i feared my mental response would get worse, but i think surrounding myself with media that features people who share my body-type has really helped me. seeing that there are other ways of defining beauty or desirability has really let me sit more comfortably in my body. i've also stopped saying self-deprecating or mean things to myself. if i find myself thinking something mean about myself, i try to stop mid thought or tack something good onto the end. it sometimes feel a little silly to praise myself, but then i remind myself that i don't see anything silly in complimenting people on the street or praising my friends. i am worthy of the same praise and affection i give to my loved ones. you are, too.